To look out for you
by callie rawston
Summary: Sam is feeling isolated and things are going from bad to worse. A Sam centric fic, from the perspective of Sam, Dylan, Nick and Zoe. Sometimes people can be there for you, even if you can't see it. Multi-parter.
1. The definition of belonging

**Hello again. Right, I finally seem to be back in the writing zone and am feeling inspired. I can't guarantee you I will update this every day because I have a busy two weeks coming up, but it will be as regularly as I can make it. I hope you enjoy.**

**Oh, and thank you so much for all the lovely PMs and emails from people saying how much they've missed my writing. It means a lot and the thought that people actually might be interested in what I am writing is certainly helping me get pen to paper again. Special thanks to Anny and Meggi, as always, for being saints in putting up with my strange rambling emails! :)**

**So here is part 1, of not sure how many parts yet - lets see how we go!**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of belonging**

_Belong: verb; be the property of, be a member of, be rightly placed in a specified position_

Sam Nicholls

Since her arrival in Holby there had been days when Sam had genuinely been excited about going to work at the E.D., however she couldn't help but note as she walked through the entrance to her workplace that these were becoming less frequent by every passing week. The chance to spend nine months working alongside her husband had been too good an opportunity to turn down when the secondment had been offered to her upon her return from Helmand, yet despite them now being on better terms than they had been at any point in the past two years facing up to the shift in their relationship from spouses to just colleagues was becoming more difficult to bear the further he seemed to move away from her.

She strolled through the department and made straight for the staffroom to drop her coat and bag in her locker, knowing full well that she could guarantee it would be buzzing with colleagues making breakfast, drinking coffee and chatting about their previous night's escapades. Sam had willingly joined in the post-shift debriefs that seemed to be occurring on an almost daily basis these days, but that was because their focus was mainly work related. She had never been able to comprehend why so many of her fellow medics spent such a considerable amount of their day, before, during and after work mindlessly chatting to each other. She smiled to herself as the thought crossed her mind that sometimes she sounded more like Dylan than she ever cared to admit, but the happy look drained from her face as she entered the packed out staff area and was confronted by a sea of people she didn't really have the energy or inclination to talk to.

As usual she fought her way through the crowded room and over to her locker, remaining stationary with her back to her colleagues as she readied herself for her working day. Sam considered that it wasn't as if she didn't like these people, she had worked with them now for several months and had become accustomed to their ways and processes more than she had ever intended to on that very first day in the department. Back then she had been quite happy to do things her own way, regardless of the consequences or the impact on anyone else, yet she had tempered that over the past months with a desire to be part of this team. That was why it felt unfortunate to her that she had allowed herself to get close enough to them all that she could see what she could have if she stayed long term just at the point when she realised all she wanted to do was to get as far away from Holby and certain individuals in it as quickly as possible.

"Sam," a familiar female voice called out from across the staffroom. "Did you have a good night last night?"

Sam hoped she kept the puzzlement she was feeling at Zoe's question from her face as she turned round to face her older colleague, who had appeared beside her.

"You said you had plans?" Zoe questioned and Sam knew that the woman had picked up on her complete lack of understanding of the previous question.

"Yeah, it was a really good night," Sam lied through her teeth, forcing herself to smile to increase her chances in coming across as convincing. "Sorry, I'm a bit tired this morning – it was a bit of a late one. You know how it is."

For a brief moment she saw a slightly odd look, bemusement perhaps, cross Zoe's face and she cursed herself for feeling the need to make up stories the previous day. It had just been one of those shifts where everyone, bar Dylan, had felt the need for team bonding time down the pub before they went home and despite a large part of her wanting to spend some time with the few people in the department she genuinely had affection for, Jeff and Dixie for example, she had not wanted to spend a single moment longer in Zoe's company than she had to. Sam knew she could just have excused herself, like Dylan successfully did every single time, but for some reason she had had this compelling urge to portray to Dr Hanna that she actually had a life away from Holby City E.D. despite the fact that this was far from the case.

"Sam, you dirty stop out," a loud Scottish voice came from behind her, punctuating her trail of thought. "So who is he then? This new bloke of yours?"

It was in the momentary silence that fell across the staffroom immediately after that question that Sam looked over Zoe's shoulder and noticed Dylan's gruff frame in the doorway, having obviously heard every word.

"Excuse me," Dylan said curtly, pushing between people to get to his own locker just in front of where Sam was standing. She caught Zoe's mortified look for a second before turning back and shutting her own locker's door, determined not to make eye contact with her ex in front of the entire team, who had remained in a hushed state since Dylan's untimely arrival. She could feel her heart pounding unnecessarily loudly in her chest and the feeling of time standing still washed over her as she wished that the ground would just open up and swallow her whole.

"Dr Nicholls?" boomed Mr Jordan's voice across the crowded room, causing Sam to nearly jump out of her own skin and snap her head back round towards the doorway. "A word please. The rest of you get to work."

She took a deep breath as she felt her face redden slightly at being singled out in front of her colleagues yet again. The embarrassment and humiliation of the situation that had just occurred with her husband was still fresh in her mind and here she was being summonsed to see her boss and all before she had even seen a patient never mind treated one.

That very same husband was still standing by his own locker, so she carefully went to sidestep him to exit the room only to have him move backwards to allow her to pass. Sam knew that their momentary shared look would have gone unnoticed by the majority, but she saw a flicker of disappointment in Dylan's eyes, a look she remembered far too well from all the previous times she had caused him to distrust her yet again.

"Dr Nicholls," Mr Jordan's voice again called from the doorway. "Today would be useful."

She dropped her gaze and stepped in front of Dylan, passing him without so much as a second glance knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep her emotions in check if she looked back. It was at times like this that she wished she had changed her name to Keogh when she had gotten married, because hearing Dr Nicholls day in, day out was another constant reminder of everything that she had lost. In fact it was second only to physically being in the presence of the only man she had ever loved every single day, but never being able to do more than stand on the sidelines as he moved on with his life.

"I received this last night," Mr Jordan said, thrusting a familiarly marked envelope into her hands. "We'll talk in my office. Walk with me," he continued before striding off down the corridor.

It was in the subsequent pause before she almost had to run after him to catch up that Sam stared at the envelope in her hands and felt a sense of dread. It was bewildering, she thought to herself, that for someone who prided themselves on being as fiercely independent as she was and who had never even taken her husband's name, she had this overwhelming need to belong. It was just a shame that she didn't belong here.

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><p><span>Nick Jordan<span>

He had been watching her sitting on the chair in front of him, practically boring a hole in the envelope with an intense glare on her face. She hadn't moved a muscle since her arrival in his office some minutes before and at this stage he couldn't tell if that had more to do with the letter clutched in her hands or the scene he had interrupted in the staffroom.

Upon learning some months before that Sam was actually Dr Keogh's wife he had anticipated there would be some fireworks in the department. Prior to that revelation becoming public it had seemed clear to Nick that there was a flirtatious tension between Dylan and Zoe, although this appeared to be mainly one sided on his own ex's part, and he was certain that something had occurred between them shortly before they were rescued from the E.D. fire prior to Christmas. Yet as far as he was concerned the pair were far from suited, being so different as to make them being a couple feel somewhat impossible. Besides which, he considered, Dr Keogh was still married – technically or not – to the young woman who had currently taken up a vow of silence in front of him, and therefore Zoe should not be involving herself until the unresolved issue of the Keogh's marriage was resolved.

Nick had to acknowledge to himself that he had been far from an angel in his own relationships over the years, but having his two most senior doctors commencing a relationship directly in the face of one of their spouses was a situation he couldn't see being resolved amicably at any stage. His only buffer from having to face this head on prior to now was that Dr Keogh seemed somewhat oblivious to the connection he appeared to be developing with Zoe and whilst the lady herself was not backward about coming forward in these types of situations, Nick granted her with enough sanity not to just throw herself at Dylan. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Dr Keogh would react in those circumstances, because he had yet to see the male doctor show more than the merest flicker of emotion over anything to date. However it was abundantly obvious to him that the young woman in front of him had deep rooted feelings for this man and therefore Nick had to assume that underneath the gruff exterior Dylan presented to the outside world there was a much more loving and caring individual.

His gaze returned to Sam, who was still sitting deep in thought, apparently quite comfortable to remain in silence whilst she gathered herself together. The girl wasn't normally known for sitting still or keeping her peace on any subject, especially where it concerned her own job, so it felt both slightly off kilter and yet honouring at the same time that she felt able to allow herself time to reflect in his company.

It hadn't been an easy time for her since she had arrived in Holby Nick contemplated as he watched her turn the letter over and over between her fingertips. It was clear for all to see that Sam was used to playing the hero in any scenario that arose and for the majority of the time this allowed her to hide her feelings behind a mask of action and adventure, but there were moments where she allowed her armour to slip and he had seen the vulnerability behind the mask.

He had always suspected Sam and Dylan had once been in a relationship from the day they had first worked together in the department, despite Zoe's protestations that Dr Nicholls was young enough to be his daughter, which incidentally it turned out an incorrect assumption. However on the night of the fire when Sam had known the danger both Dylan and Zoe were in, she had shown real fear and the army trained medic had unusually been unable to work in a pressurised situation. For all Sam's experiences, positive and negative, the only time Nick had ever seen her show any demonstration of feeling was where Dylan had been the route cause.

He hated to watch her enjoyment of her job and enthusiasm diminish over the previous weeks, but it had drained out of her regardless as she had watched Zoe and Dylan's friendship blossom. Her attitude towards Zoe had been skirting towards rude on a number of occasions and whilst he had hated pulling her up for it, he couldn't allow the complicated personal relationships of the staff disrupt his department. His heart went out to the girl though, it really did, because now he knew her a little better he could conclude that the only thing that would break her would be to lose Dylan for good. And that, he had to concede, was a big part of the reason she was running away from them all now, regardless of what she was about to say.

"You're choosing to go back then?" he questioned, finally breaking the hush that had enveloped his office some time before. "I read the letter Dr Nicholls. We were happy to extend your secondment, the army were fine with you staying another six months, and you chose not to take us up on the offer. And worse still you told them you'd be willing to leave immediately if they needed you."

"This place isn't me," Sam answered so quietly her voice was barely audible. "I'm trained to treat soldiers who've lost limbs on IEDs or save casualties from roadside bombs. I make a difference there, I save lives."

"You save lives here too," Nick shot back quickly. "You make a difference here."

"Treating sprained ankles and binge drinkers? Yeah right," Sam said, a harsh tone entering her voice. "All of that stuff, it just isn't me."

"You think you're better than that?" Nick countered. "I know this isn't about that Sam, we've been there, done that and had this conversation months ago and since then you've proved yourself to be a bloody good doctor. Yes, you'd probably love to spend every day going back and forth between resus and being out on scene, but I've seen you adapt to do some really good work with these sprained ankle and binge drinking patients."

He watched as a look of sadness crossed Sam's face for half a second, before she literally shook herself free of it.

"I don't belong here," Sam stated, her voice level and matter of fact.

"So what, you belong in a warzone?" Nick argued. "You find working here so bad, you'd rather just leave straight away?" He paused for a moment, but on receiving no answer continued. "You know when I first came here I spent all my time consumed with thoughts of going back to surgery. I never wanted to work in the E.D., I was Nick Jordan, Cardio-thoracic surgeon and I did everything to get back to that. We're not so different in that respect Dr Nicholls, but luckily for me I realised what I had here before my escape attempt was irreversible. If you get all the way back to Helmand it will be too late for you to change your mind."

"I won't change my mind," was the simple response. "I need to be back out there, doing what I'm trained to do. The army is part of me, it's who I am. I'm not about to turn down the opportunity to get out there."

"Fair enough," Nick answered, knowing that it wasn't worthwhile arguing the case with her further when she wasn't in the mood to communicate. He sensed though that the lack of discussion stemmed more from her desire to stop herself thinking about the real reason for her impending departure than it did to do with her apparent disagreement with him. "Do you know when you leave?"

"Sometime next month I think," Sam explained. "As soon as I know the date I will let you know, so you can get a replacement."

The thought of replacing her whilst she went away felt slightly abhorrent at that time, so Nick brushed it from his mind. "Does anyone know you're leaving?" he asked, to which she responded only with a shake of the head. "No-one at all?"

"No. No-one," she answered pointedly. "I'd rather it stayed just between us until the last minute if that's alright."

"If that's what you want," Nick said with a sigh, as the thought entered his mind that whilst her imminent departure would simplify the department relationship situation, he knew it would devastate Dylan despite his outward unemotional state. He wouldn't allow himself to dwell on the thought of a heartbroken Sam thousands of miles from home, because to be honest that was too horrendous to think about. "If you need some time off beforehand, to pack or anything, just let me know?"

Sam met his gaze, before shaking her head. "Thank you, but I really don't. I never unpacked in the first place, so it won't take me long to get myself sorted. I'd rather keep busy and working right up until I have to go to base if that's alright."

"Of course," Nick responded, feeling a sense of sorrow wash over him as Sam stood up to signal that she was ready to depart and he watched her leave the office. This beautiful, bright and intelligent young woman was about to rush off to treat casualties in a warzone in some ill-fated attempt to escape the seemingly inevitable breakdown of her marriage and for that Nick couldn't help but feel a deep sense of compassion for her plight. However having just learnt that Sam had never even settled in to Holby enough to unpack her possessions and make a life for herself in the past six months, he felt saddened at how lonely she really must have been.

They were all about to lose Sam to the army, potentially for her never to return, and all because she was seeking a sense of belonging. It was unfortunate that what she seemed to have missed was that she was actually running away from the only person Nick believed could actually give her the "home" she so desperately seemed to need. Why she wouldn't fight for Dylan, well he couldn't begin to comprehend the complexities of someone else's marriage, but he just hoped that if Sam really did have to go she could find something akin to what she was looking for where she was now headed.

He wasn't quite sure why he cared so deeply for the young doctor, but in a sense she reminded Nick of a much younger version of himself – determined, strong-minded, opinionated. He just hoped she wouldn't end up repeating all of his own mistakes. She deserved far better than that.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and reviews are always gratefully received.<strong>

**The next part will be up in the next day or so. Callie x**


	2. The definition of jealousy

**So here is part 2 of my new fic, a little later than scheduled but it has been one of those weeks. I am hoping the next update will be up in the coming two days. I would like to say thank you to everyone who reviewed chapter 1, and those of you that subscribed or favourited the story. This update is dedicated to Anny and Meggi, for just being amazing as always.**

**Chapter 2... Hope you enjoy.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of jealousy**

_Jealousy: adjective; feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions or perceived advantages._

Dylan Keogh

CDU was the busiest it had been in weeks and Dylan knew he should be in his element, especially with the patient in the last cubicle with a possible tropical illness, yet somehow the often bizarre mix of cases that darkened the doors of his very own domain were not satisfying him today. In fact despite the protestations of that young male nurse whose name he could never recall, Dylan had taken refuge behind the CDU counter desk and decided to stay put for the foreseeable future.

It wasn't often that he allowed thoughts of his ex-wife to preoccupy his mind, particularly whilst he was at work, but since her arrival at Holby she had made it rather difficult for him to ignore the rather gaping hole in his life that Samantha had once filled. He remembered how much her reckless and slightly irrational behaviour had always gotten under his skin, but recently she had been doing that more and more much to his annoyance. Her behaviour at the toxic spill site had been irresponsible at best, her ill-advised trip into marriage counselling for the injured fireman appeared to stem from a desperation Dylan barely recognised in her and whilst the Sam he knew had often been fiery, placing a patient in a headlock had taken her to a frightening whole new level of insanity.

Yet despite all of these incidents, Dylan recalled how comforted he had felt in the unspoken connection that seemed to have been brewing between them since she had waltzed back into his life as if she had never left in the first place. In fact he remembered almost being surprised that Sam hadn't been sitting in her usual spot on their sofa that now resided in his houseboat at the end of their first shift together; he wouldn't have put such a brazen act of defiance past her despite everything that had gone before.

It was that newly rediscovered connection which made the current state of affairs all the more confusing for Dylan, because whilst he had to acknowledge relationships and dealing with other people were not his strongest suits, he had believed he was fairly competent at reading his ex-wife and her behaviour. Therefore he had assumed, wrongly he now realised, that she would be pleased with their vastly improved personal situation. In a strange way recent events had reminded him of their time together on her first work placement working under his mentorship, a time where they had learned to work so closely together that their then Clinical Lead had told him that they were beginning to morph into one person rather than two individuals. At the time that fact alone had rather terrified Dylan, as he had never felt that intense connection with anyone prior to this being pointed out to him but oddly enough their ability to work so effectively and effortlessly without communication gave him a sense of comfort that little else ever did these days.

Maybe it had been an arrogant assumption he considered, that he had never thought Samantha wouldn't feel the same sense of satisfaction from their renewed working relationship that he did. For her first few months at Holby Dylan had been sure she had been actively pushing his buttons to try and reinstate the very same connection he now craved, yet upon them actually reaching a status quo that he thought would be mutually agreeable his ex-wife had started backing away from him, both in terms of physically removing herself from any space he was in and also mentally, by failing to respond to jibes he had made over their past. Jibes he well knew she had been taunting him with for a response since her own entrance back into his world.

The reason for her starting to eliminate any trace of their personal connection from their working relationship was as unclear to Dylan as he found most people's behaviour, but Samantha never normally acted in such a manner. For her to fight for something so hard over a prolonged period was a significant thing for her to do, given that both of them hated facing up to anything emotional or difficult even on the best of days. Therefore for her to then walk away from the exact same thing without just reason or cause was impossible to understand. Dylan couldn't help but regret the gulf that was appearing between them on an ever increasing basis every day, but given her distinct lack of communication with him in recent weeks he could only imagine this distance would continue to grow.

That worry had existed prior to Dr Lyons' earlier announcement in the staffroom that Samantha was now ensconced in a new intimate relationship with another man, but it had been that one moment in time that had thrown him to the point where even a case that would require the almost Holmesian detection he prided himself on was barely on his radar anymore. With one notable exception, a momentary lapse in judgement that Dylan knew he had all but forgiven her for, his wife was not the type to enter into a new association lightly. He himself was well aware that prior to him Samantha had not had a serious relationship and despite their separation it had not crossed his mind until today that he wouldn't be the only person she may share that part of herself and her life with.

Nor, he reflected, was his wife the type to go out on the prowl looking for a date unlike the majority of the females he seemed to meet on a daily basis. His Samantha was not one for dressing to impress and hitting the town to get drunkenly picked up by some random man she wouldn't remember in the morning, yet she also spent nearly every waking hour in the hospital and therefore would have had very little time to meet anyone new. The whole situation both intrigued him and appalled him in equal measure, but as he had been the one to walk out on their marriage in the first place he knew that he had no right to be angry at her for moving on.

Despite that though he felt uncharacteristically hurt by the fact that it seemed that she was now pulling away from him and confiding in some unknown entity of a man, someone he doubted would ever be good enough for someone as smart and unique as the woman occupying his thoughts. He had known from way before their marriage collapsed that one day he would lose her, but to lose her once and have her return only for her to be snatched away from his grasp yet again, just when he realised how much he had missed her company, was a situation so perverse that it was bordering on the absurd. However the realisation that was now dawning on him made him see that if Samantha moving on made her happier, he would have to learn to live with it because to see her appear so isolated and withdrawn as she had done in recent weeks had been heart wrenching. As long as she stayed in Holby, where he could keep a watchful eye over her and ensure she was safe in whatever new life she chose to lead, Dylan knew he could at least be assured he would be around for support if she required it. All he could hope for was that the army put off recalling her for active service for as long as possible, because to physically lose her from his life as well would be unbearable.

His trail of thought and glazed over eyes were awoken back into reality by that nurse, Floyd or something Dylan recalled, placing some files down rather loudly and pronouncedly in front of his folded arms, before he stood there in front of the desk as if awaiting some sort of response.

"I'm busy," Dylan spoke curtly. "I'll be in resus," he added before exiting the room at such speed he knew the nurse would have no chance of catching up with him before he made it to his destination.

Upon entering resus he was faced with two options, either to join Samantha is examining her assault victim or to link up with Zoe and her crush injury case. Upon both women looking up at his entrance, Dylan chose to make a beeline for the one who had smiled upon seeing his arrival and joined Dr Hanna in her deliberations. From her haste in looking away from him, Dr Nicholls it seemed was not in the mood to speak to him at that moment and given the tension between them he wasn't sure she would appreciate his observations.

It had been the same every time he had entered resus that day, and he certainly couldn't count those occasions on one hand. Doctors Hanna and Nicholls had been hauled up in there all day, treating a variety of patients, but had been far from overwhelmed by the volume or complexity of cases. Regardless Dylan had invented a number of ingenious reasons to join them at various points throughout the earlier part of the shift, purely to satisfy his own curiosity at his ex-wife's state of mind following both Dr Lyons' obviously ill-timed outburst and the mysterious meeting between Mr Jordan and herself, details of which had yet to make it round the department despite the significant levels of gossip that usually surrounded any unforeseen or unusual event.

As usual Zoe had reluctantly accepted his willing interference in her cases, whilst vocally bemoaning his presence in what he perceived a teasing fashion. Well that was his understanding of the banter between them anyway and given the atmosphere that appeared obvious to him whenever he was in the same room as Samantha he would have been struggling without Zoe's mindless conversation, albeit a conversation that was littered with pointed questions over the current state of play between him and his ex. In a way Dylan assumed that this must be what friendship was like, an oddly likeable new experience for him as, his connection with Samantha notwithstanding, he had never been interested in building more than amicable dealings with work colleagues prior to meeting Dr Hanna.

Upon re-establishing with Zoe the current diagnosis for her current patient, Dylan stepped back and realised that Dr Nicholls was no longer alone with her patient as she had been joined by that young female nurse, whose name he also couldn't recall, and an agitated man he assumed was connected to the severely beaten woman lying on the bed. There was something about the way the man was pacing back and forth muttering to himself that disquieted Dylan, yet he forced himself to turn away from staring at the four of them. He knew full well that Samantha was more than capable of taking care of herself, yet despite her long-held ascertains that she had not needed him to look after her he had only ever wanted to protect her from harm. His mind again drifted to thoughts of who may be taking care of her now, whether given the amount of time she spent at the hospital her suitor could well be a work colleague, although none of the obvious contenders, Dr Lyons, Dr Kent or even Mr Jordan, would have been remotely suitable.

Upon seeing Zoe beckon him over to check out some interesting test results, Dylan looked over towards Dr Nicholls for the briefest of seconds and caught her smiling at Dr Kent, who had momentarily entered the room to pass on a message about her patient's child. It was in that moment he first identified the feeling that had been lingering around him since his arrival in the staffroom that morning. As much as he hated to admit to himself that she still had the ability to get to him, Dylan knew he was jealous of whoever it was his wife had moved on with. He'd felt that feeling once before and it had brought their marriage crashing down around them and sent her off into someone else's arms, a situation he could see recurring yet again right in front of his eyes.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam wondered if she would be able to use self-preservation as a defence in court if she went through with the plan currently circling her brain and throttled her two colleagues who were currently deep in conversation in the corner of resus. The fact that the two individuals concerned were her estranged husband and the woman he was apparently finding happiness with since Sam herself had royally screwed up their marriage was pushing her sanity to the limits, especially as these days said husband felt more estranged than ever.

The relationship between herself and Zoe had been cordial, even bordering on friendly, in those first few weeks and months after they had met and she had found the older woman's tolerance of Dylan's grumpiness and often self-righteous behaviour a refreshing change from how most people treated him. However that positive start had soon ebbed away as Sam had struggled to watch Zoe's growing closeness to him without feeling the need to intervene and tell her to back off.

Sam knew that the tension between them was not a one way street and therefore couldn't help but feel Mr Jordan had enacted a strange type of punishment on her that morning by giving her the opportunity to work in resus with one hand, but then landing her with Dr Hanna with the other. If he had thought letting her work in her favourite part of the E.D. was going to persuade her to stay put rather than return to Afghanistan then he should have chosen a better bedfellow for her to share it with.

As it was, Sam knew that she herself was already preoccupied by thoughts of the warzone she had willingly signed herself up to return to. The chance of a longer secondment to Holby had been incredibly appealing when it had first been put to her, yet that had been before she had become suspicious that her husband's relationship with Zoe had crossed a boundary that she would not be ready to bear witness to for some considerable time to come. As much as Sam loved being part of the army, and being an army medic had been her long-awaited childhood ambition, the horrors of Helmand were still fresh in her mind from her last tour of duty and returning to what she knew would be six months of hellish experiences was not something she was relishing. The fact that she was considering it a more attractive option than remaining in her current post spoke volumes to her about how little she had dealt with the breakdown of her relationship with Dylan and how far she still had to travel before she would be able to look him in the eyes and tell him how pleased she was that he was finding happiness with someone other than her.

The first time Dylan had appeared in resus that morning Sam had busied herself with paperwork for fear of him making any snide comment or pointed remark about her apparent date the night before. She wasn't sure if she was more nervous about telling him she was moving on, despite her being the cause of their marital discord, or the fact that he would know in an instant that this date was nothing more than a piece of fictional one-upmanship against his own precious Zoe. The abject humiliation she would feel at being caught out in this lie now that she had actually allowed everyone to believe it would be awful, especially given that she had only made the implication in the first place to make herself look less like the miserable ex-wife that she actually had become.

Dylan had appeared at regular intervals, almost like clockwork, ever since that first visit to resus, which given the fact that he was meant to be running CDU and neither she nor Zoe were exactly overwhelmed by patients demonstrated to Sam just how much he wanted to be in the same vicinity of the woman Sam was beginning to loathe, even though she had to acknowledge that Dr Hanna hadn't even done anything wrong. Sam's own attempts to make eye contact with her husband on each occasion he appeared had fallen without response, as every time without fail he had approached the other side of the room without so much as a second glance before throwing himself into deep conversation with the other doctor.

Sam had managed to bite her tongue so far, mainly through grit and determination not to make an already uncomfortable situation any worse than it needed to be. She couldn't understand how it was possible for Dylan to be treating anyone in his beloved CDU given the amount of time he had spent away from that department, yet as she watched him and Zoe pore over another set of case notes and tests results standing so close together they were almost magnetically attached she felt the now familiar pang of jealousy fill the pit of her stomach.

Dylan had never given Sam any real reason to be jealous before, having shown absolutely no interest in anyone since she had known him. She had practically had to persuade him all those years ago that dating her wouldn't be too much of a hardship and it had been as much as a surprise to him as it had been to her when he had somehow managed to get past his emotional blockades and propose to her. Given how little interest he had shown back then in pursuing any sort of romantic intent with her, it pained Sam to see him so at ease in Zoe's company without any of the complications she had once faced. A little bit of her couldn't help but question whether she and Dylan had ever really been suited at all, or whether his burgeoning relationship with Zoe proved once and for all that they had never been meant to be.

It wasn't like she hadn't already lost him Sam mused, because their marital breakdown had occurred well over a year before and she had adjusted to physically living without him by her side outside of a working environment since her arrival back at Holby. It was the fact that seeing him with Zoe and watching his evident happiness in her company made her feel like she was losing him all over again every single day. Despite her own acceptance of blame for the situation she now found herself in, that didn't mean she was immune to the pain of watching someone she loved move on. There may be no justification in her jealousy given how it was her own behaviour that caused her husband to leave her in the first place, but it was jealousy she felt all the same and she didn't know who she hated more in that moment, the woman he was obviously falling for or herself for not realising what she had until it had walked out the door.

She finally brought herself out from her thoughts and back into treating the patient in front of her when Scarlet brought the woman's highly agitated husband in to visit her. Sam had felt there was something off about the whole situation since the family had been brought in to the E.D. earlier, with this man claiming he returned home to find his wife and son viciously assaulted, yet given everything else that was going on she couldn't find the capacity to deal with any of these thoughts at that particular moment in time. When the woman was well enough to be moved to cubicles she would ask Tess or someone to talk to her, anyone except herself really as she didn't think her advice on marital issues would be of any use to anyone.

Tom entered resus and informed them all that the child would be okay and upon leaving had indicated silently to Sam that he had picked up on the suspicious circumstances, before she hurriedly covered his tracks with a smile and a thank you for the update as the husband of her patient eyed them warily. She briefly caught Dylan staring at her but looked away, knowing she needed to focus on the task at hand and manage any risk the relative of the still unconscious female may pose to her or the child involved.

Seeking a distraction and escape route from resus and knowing full well that the man's agitation would only increase if he stayed present by his wife's side she asked Scarlett to accompany her and him to a treatment room where they could see to the cuts on his hand that he had advised were sustained on broken glass he found upon entering his home.

Sam had to admire the young nurse's attempts to engage their rather menacing looking patient in conversation as she cleaned his wounds and Sam assessed the nature of his injuries. Oddly enough she was actually finding herself smiling at some of Scarlett's attempts at diffusing the tension that was apparent in the room and joining in some of the conversation topics that randomly seemed to spring from the nurse's head.

"Sam," an irritatingly familiar voice appeared from behind Sam and she snapped her head round to come face to face with Zoe. "Can I borrow Scarlett? We need to prep resus for an incoming RTC. We'll need you in a few minutes too."

There was a moment of hesitation as Sam looked at both Scarlett and her patient before agreeing to the request, and as she met the nurse's gaze as she scurried out of the door behind Zoe she couldn't help but feel a nagging sense of self-doubt at the decision she had just made. It wasn't like she couldn't take care of herself, her wartime experiences had proved than a million times over, but she still had the same sense of unease about this particular patient and being alone with him in a small, isolated room had never been part of her treatment plan.

Although added to that was the consideration that she would soon be required to return to resus and therefore her attempted escape route to get back out into the main department after treating this patient had definitely been thwarted. She turned back towards the door to bin some of the gauze strips and other items that had been used to mop up the congealed blood on the man's fingers and as she did so she identified that there appeared to be police officers in the reception area talking to Tom, who was now holding her patient's small child in his arms and was directing the officers to where the woman lay in resus. As she processed that information and went to turn back to her patient she also caught sight of Dylan and Zoe, huddled together in conversation with the female doctor playing with her hair in a manner that Sam would definitely have considered to be flirtatious.

Pushing all those thoughts from her mind the best she could, she returned to focus on the task in hand and finish sterilising the man's badly cut hands before dressing them herself. Given Scarlett's inexperience and obvious nervousness around this particular patient she couldn't leave that particular task for her to complete, despite having a very limited time to finish it herself before the RTC would be arriving.

"You called them didn't you?" the man asked, his tone low and intimidating. "What did you tell them? I don't want no police involved."

Sam took a deep breath before starting, "I didn't call them, but they will want to speak to all of you. Your wife is badly injured and whoever did this to her needs to be caught."

"I said no police," was the snarled response she got.

"Why scared of getting caught?" she snapped back in a momentary lapse of sanity, overlooking her own safety and just staring him straight in the eye.

"What did you say?" he growled back at her, grabbing her arm and standing up from the bed in front of her.

"I've finished treating you," Sam answered, trying to keep her voice steady as she forcefully shook her arm free. "I think you'd better go."

She turned away from him and started to stride purposefully towards the door, determined not to show any fear and to remove herself from the deteriorating situation. However she realised turning her back on him had been a mistake the moment she felt a heavy hand on her shoulder and her legs were kicked from under her and she came under an intense and sustained volley of kicks and punches to her back, stomach and head.

Sam knew that attempting to prevent the assault was futile given the man's size, strength and advantage over her as she lay on the floor, even given her army training she would not be any match for the battering she was taking. Therefore instead she curled herself up into the tightest ball she could and waited for the rain of blows to stop, hoping desperately that none of her colleagues would get caught up in the crossfire trying to help her.

The onslaught ended as soon as it had begun as the man, spooked by a noise that Sam barely heard through the pounding of her heartbeat inside her head, fled the room. As the door closed behind the vicious assailant Sam made a vain attempt to push herself into a sitting position but as the wave of pain and sickness descended over her and the room started to spin, she gave into the overwhelming urge to remain lying curled up on the floor. The irony of the fact that her husband was just outside the door, yet had no knowledge of her current predicament, was not lost on her nor was the fact that she had usefully just been attacked in the one place full of people who she could guarantee would be able to help her. Her medical training instinctively kicked in and she knew that the one thing she should not do was close her eyes, yet in that moment all she wanted to do was shut out the world and go to sleep.

She heard voices outside the door, chattering away about something she was unable to distinguish, and she felt her concentration drop as a haze descended over her mind. She had this vague awareness of the door behind her opening and a panicked female voice calling out her name, but in that same moment a warm feeling overtook her and she gave into the darkness that had started to fall across her eyes.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. Reviews are always welcome.<strong>

**The next part will be up in the coming days. Thanks once again for your support. Callie x**


	3. The definition of beautiful

**Thank you as always to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, especially given how most of you came back especially to do that due to issues with FFN on Friday. Your comments always make me smile and thank you for the feedback, knowing that I got the last chapter in character was very positive for me indeed. Sorry for unexpectedly hurting Sam, but it just needed to be done! **

**Anyway here is the next update, part 3. I hope you enjoy it. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of beautiful**

_Beautiful: adjective; pleasing the senses of mind aesthetically._

Sam Nicholls

Sam felt the tears blurring her eyes the moment Tess and Zoe exited the cubicle and finally left her alone. It had taken every ounce of strength that she had had left to hold it together for the past hour or two but now she was beyond exhausted from pretending she wasn't on the edge of breaking down. She couldn't quite decide though whether she was crying from the pain she was in, the fright she had been given upon being totally overpowered or the fact that since briefly appearing at her side when she was first discovered Dylan had been conspicuous by his absence ever since.

She had a vague recollection of being scooped up from the floor by her husband, who had carried her into resus, and whilst her memories were somewhat murky for a while after that she knew he had disappeared from the room without trace after Zoe had begun to examine her. The irony of the fact that Dylan had spent all day trying to find a reason to stay in resus but the second she was hurt he had fled without so much as looking back was not lost on her. Sam was self-aware enough to know that she had a tendency to put up emotional blocks to prevent people getting too close, but despite their recent cooling in relations she had always considered that her husband would instinctively know that she actually needed him by her side on days like this. He had always seemed able to read her so well before, yet today it felt like they were almost strangers.

That she hadn't even seen him in the department whilst she had been back and forth for the numerous tests, scans and x-rays that Zoe insisted she have indicated to her that Dylan was actively ignoring her and in many ways that burned far harder than the pain she felt from the copious number of bruises that now littered her body. Sam knew that no matter what had occurred between them over the years, she would have been next to him in a heartbeat if he had needed her and yet for the first time, she was forcing herself to consider whether in those circumstances it would actually be her he would want to see.

Sam tried to push those thoughts from her mind before the tears that had begun to silently fall down her cheeks threatened to turn into loud, distressing sobs. Her colleagues had done nothing except be completely supportive since Scarlett had found her collapsed in a heap yet she was not prepared to suffer the further indignity of allowing them to find her bawling her eyes out now. She was feeling bad enough about the effort they had all had to go to in treating her so far, especially when it had been her own stupidity and lapse in judgement that had resulted in her injuries being sustained in the first place, without having to call upon the very same colleagues to comfort her as she cried.

She had never been particularly good with emotions, her own or anyone else's for that matter, preferring to keep feelings inside her head rather than spill them out for others to see. However since she remembered the haze that had crossed her mind after her attack lifting she knew she had failed to hide how embarrassed she was at allowing that patient's relative to get the better of her, an incident that was especially mortifying to her given her own military background and action girl reputation. From what she had heard it was Tom who had played the hero on this occasion, Dr Kent having been the one who had chased her assailant out of the department on being alerted to the commotion and kept sight of him long enough for the police to pick him up. She hoped she would remember to thank him next time she saw him, because the thought of that man still being out there was more frightening that she would ever have dreamt of letting anyone else know.

Even thinking about what had happened made that feeling of nausea, the one that had overwhelmed her after the attack, return with a vengeance and the room again started to spin. The little cubicle suddenly felt very claustrophobic, and she caught herself breathing deeply to prevent herself from panicking. It had been her decision to remain isolated by the curtain, her who had told them all to leave her alone and yet now all she wanted was someone to wrap their arms around her, to reassure her that everything was going to be just fine. Sam had always portrayed to the world that she was fine alone and that she was capable of taking care of herself, recalling all the times that she had told Dylan off for fussing over her or crowding her independence when they were together. However it was times like this that she knew no matter what brave face she put on for the world, she was still a scared little girl underneath it all. It was just unfortunate that the only person whose arms she would want to hold her seemed to have decided that even visiting her was too much of a hardship for him to bear.

In fact the only visitor to her cubicle since her arrival from resus, Zoe and Tess aside, was Mr Jordan who had stayed barely more than a few minutes but appeared to recognise the fear in her in spite of her best attempts to hide it. He had done and said very little, other than to assure her that the police were already processing her attacker for both the assault on her and the man's own wife, but the simple light squeeze of his hand on her bare, bruised arm accompanied by a knowing look demonstrated to her that he had this uncanny ability to see what was going on inside her head like no else seemed able to.

The moment he had left she felt cold air fill the space on her arm where his warm touch had been just seconds before and she had carefully lifted her arm, uncertain of the pain that this may cause her, to wipe away the tears that had built up in her eyes. That had been some time before, yet she knew she was yet again sitting in the cubicle silently crying both at the horror of what she had experienced and the realisation as to how disconnected she was with everything she thought she knew. Sam wiped her eyes again, trying to dismiss the feelings as a natural reaction to what had happened just hours earlier but that would have meant ignoring the events of the previous few weeks and her decision to leave for Afghanistan as soon as possible as mere coincidence. It may not have been Dylan who had physically hurt her, but she identified that it was his lack of responsiveness that was causing her pain. In her mind escape from this town and from her husband's world couldn't come fast enough, for her own sanity if nothing else.

"How are you feeling?" Tess queried as she pulled back the curtain and entered the cubicle, pulling Sam from deep within her thoughts. She could barely bring herself to answer the woman, knowing that any positive answer she gave at that moment would be an obvious mistruth, so responded simply with a shrug, and pulled herself up into a more upright position on the bed, bringing her knees up towards her chest.

A worried look crossed the nurse's face as Sam inadvertently sighed outwardly in the pain triggered by her movement, "Are you sure there isn't anyone I can call for you? Or anyone you want me to fetch?"

Sam hesitated for the briefest moment, knowing exactly who the nurse was referring to with that remark, before replying "No, there's no one" and looking away, not wanting to see the pitying look that she knew would soon cross her older colleague's face. She considered how strange it must look to the rest of this team that her husband was busily working just a few rooms away from where she currently sat and despite that had not once been to see her.

"Okay, if you're sure," Tess answered, a sympathetic tone to her voice. "Zoe will be back to check on you in a few minutes" she continued before exiting the cubicle.

Sam was dismayed to find that when she looked back round the curtain was not fully across and therefore she could see out into the department just enough to pick out where Zoe and Mr Jordan were standing, animatedly talking about something she couldn't quite hear across the bustling space. She remembered that it was he who had made the decision that Zoe would lead on her care, despite protestations from them both. Whilst Sam knew her treatment had been nothing less than first class and that most patients never received such intensive one-to-one attention, Dr Hanna would not have been her first choice of doctor.

As she considered the options, Sam realised that she would even have preferred Tom or Lenny to treat her such was her confusion over where she stood with Zoe. Mr Jordan would have been her favoured option by far, but she had seen him physically back away from her bedside in resus before leaving her in Dr Hanna's capable hands. She had felt a sense of disappointment that despite their earlier conversation and his apparent understanding of her thoughts he hadn't wanted to stay and make sure she was okay, but she guessed that he was quite busy and in the grand scheme of things she was barely hurt. In fact the only doctor she would have wanted in charge of her right now less than Zoe was Dr Keogh, not because he wouldn't have offered her the best care available but because he appeared to have demoted himself from husband to friend to colleague in front of her eyes and the awkwardness they both would have felt in his examination of her injuries would have been unbearable.

Sam watched as Zoe finished writing up some charts just in her eye line and reflected on her feelings for the woman. As usual Dr Hanna looked practically perfect, despite the craziness of the department and the obvious stress that must have been caused by having one of the team stuck in a hospital bed rather than lending a hand. She noted Zoe's hair was perfectly straightened, her make-up immaculate, her outfit faultlessly coordinated and Sam couldn't help but see her as the glamorous consultant that she was, smart, sassy and charming, exactly the kind of woman who would look perfect on Dylan's arm. Sam knew that between the two of them there was absolutely no comparison, Zoe was beautiful and even the usually oblivious Dr Keogh couldn't have failed to spot that. The sooner she got back out to Afghanistan the better it would be for all of them.

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><p><span>Zoe Hanna<span>

As she stood in the middle of the department writing notes up near Sam's cubicle, Zoe considered that she was having one of those shifts where she wondered if she would be better off working somewhere else. It wasn't that she didn't love Holby, the E.D. where she spent a significant majority of her time was like a second home and whilst she clashed with her colleagues sometimes, she really enjoyed working alongside them most days.

Today however was turning out to be somewhat of a nightmare when it came to her team and she couldn't help but feel partly responsible, even if she wasn't actually sure what she had done to cause any of it. Despite the fact the respite of home time was still some distance away she had a battered and traumatised Dr Nicholls in cubicles, a completely unresponsive Dr Keogh practically barricaded in CDU, Dr Kent was still with Sam's resus patient and her child and their esteemed Clinical Lead was hauled up in his office with the police. If that hadn't been enough to cause disruption to the department, they were at least one nurse down with Scarlett having been sent to the staffroom in floods of tears and Zoe couldn't recall seeing her or Lloyd since. The fact was that as they currently stood she was relying on Dr Lyons and Linda to keep the department functioning and she was certain that alone was enough to send her over the edge.

On top of that Nick had assigned her of all people to treat and monitor Sam, a decision which baffled and annoyed Zoe no end. She had no issue with the younger doctor herself, in actual fact she quite liked her and her fiery attitude for the majority of the time, yet Sam had obviously taken a distinct disliking to her in recent weeks and therefore Zoe knew any intervention she made would be both unwelcome and badly received. She had practically begged Nick to take on responsibility for dealing with Dr Nicholls, knowing full well that the young medic appeared to both trust and respect him in equal measure but once the immediate concern over her status was resolved he had refused and left resus almost as quickly as Dr Keogh.

Zoe brought to mind the moment Scarlett had screamed and alerted them all to Sam's assault, which had been gut-wrenching and Zoe recalled the horror she felt as her and Dylan had rounded the door to find injured woman's body in a heap on the floor. Dr Keogh hadn't waited around to assess the situation, instead preferring to remove Sam to the relative safety of resus and it had been the moment that he had placed her down on a bed that Zoe had been able to see that the woman was only semi-conscious. By the time Mr Jordan had arrived in the room, Zoe had started her survey of Sam's injuries whilst noting that Dylan had yet to let go of his grip on his ex-wife's hand and was studying her face intensely. The injured woman had winced under Zoe's touch and as she did so it was as if she woke up to the confusion that surrounded her and began to forcefully struggle against being treated.

Zoe recalled trying to reason with her, get her to see that she was hurting herself by pursuing this course of action but it had appeared that just the presence of people around her was causing her to struggle more ferociously against both the team and the lines they were trying to get into her. In her distressed and disorientated state Sam had lashed out violently, pulling the line out from her arm and causing blood to drip from where it had been inserted. Zoe remembered that it was an in that moment that Dylan completely froze, apparently completely unable to deal with seeing Sam in such a vulnerable and confused state. Nick had called his name in an endeavour to trigger a response from the doctor, but upon registering the words Dr Keogh had fled from the room. Between herself and Nick they had managed to physically restrain Dr Nicholls until she calmed down and came round enough to understand where she was, but it was as Zoe was then able to begin examining Sam for the second time and cutting away her clothes to get a better look, that Nick had indicated he would not be staying. His face had been almost unreadable, except for a strange uncomfortable look that crossed it every time he caught sight of Sam's broken looking form.

Dr Nicholls herself had been lucky Zoe considered every time a scan or x-ray was returned to her for the woman's file. Despite the severe beating and kicking she had obviously taken, her injuries were far from life threatening. In fact as she readied herself to go back into the cubicle and deal with her colleague once again she reflected how grateful she was that they weren't in a much graver situation.

She had barely seen Dylan since he had abandoned Sam earlier, as despite her best attempts to encourage him to at least speak to his wife he had refused to leave the confines of CDU. He had been exceptionally snappy with her when she had attempted to chide him for his apparent lack of interest in Sam's treatment, so she could only imagine how grouchy he was being with the patients who happened to be stuck in there with him. Zoe knew it was a bad indictment of the current state of affairs that she was now encouraging Dylan, the same Dylan she had spent the past almost 12 months flirting with, to spend time with his ex-wife but even she wasn't cruel enough to want to deprive Sam of his comfort after her experiences today. She was well aware of the fact that she herself was interested in pursuing a romantic connection with Dr Keogh, but not at the expense of becoming caught up in the crossfire of the breakdown of his relationship with his wife.

She mused that it wasn't as if she had even known he was with Sam when she had started to develop feelings for him, in fact he had failed to mention that the woman even existed and had maintained right up to and through the fire that he had never even been married, before even then dismissing his wife as a mere technicality. Zoe knew the situation was unfortunate, because it had quickly become apparent to her from the dark looks and moody comments she had received from Sam ever since she and Dylan had grown closer in recent weeks that the younger woman was far from being over her estranged husband, despite Dylan's ascertains that the marriage had been over almost before it even started.

Zoe looked over at the forlorn looking medic, who was currently sitting on a hospital bed with her knees up in front of her chest and her head resting atop them, staring out into the department but obviously not really seeing what was occurring in front of her eyes. It was clear to Dr Hanna that despite her own interest in Dylan, any inclinations she had in that direction would need to be put on hold temporarily whilst he resolved the outstanding issues he had with Sam, as it was quite apparent to her now that seeing his ex-wife so distressed and vulnerable had wounded him badly.

She had also picked up on how aggrieved Nick was at the thought of someone causing Sam this much pain, as the anger she had caught flashes of in their brief snatched conversations in the department had been stronger than anything she had seen from him in recent years. The dynamic between Nick and Dr Nicholls was not one that Zoe had been able to figure out yet, except for the fact that it was as far from romantic as you could get. She considered that perhaps Nick could see something of himself in the ballsy, fiery young doctor but he had definitely demonstrated a support for her that went far and above his usual levels of concern in junior doctors. Equally it intrigued her that they seemed to share confidences from time to time, most recently that very morning when Nick had taken Sam to his office and had then point blank refused to discuss the meeting with Zoe despite her questions. There had once been a time where he would have told her absolutely everything, however unethical that may sometimes have been, so the thought of him having secrets with Dr Nicholls felt rather disquieting to her.

Zoe took a deep breath and moved to join Sam in the cubicle, pulling the curtain closed again behind her. As she reassessed Sam's appearance she reconsidered her assessment that the young medic had been lucky, more that she had gotten off lightly given the circumstances. She manoeuvred the uncommunicative woman so that she could lift her gown and check the bruising on her back.

Sam's entire upper torso was covered in lacerations and abrasions from her sustained attack, and whilst the congealed blood that had been matting her hair and scrubs had long since been removed her skin felt rough and damaged to the touch. Sam had no further signs of any concussion and had assured her that the nausea and disorientation that she had first presented with had all but resolved, so they had put that down to the overwhelming wave of pain that must have consumed her at the point of attack. She definitely had a few cracked ribs and severe bruising to her sides and lower back however, but despite this Sam had refused all but the most basic painkillers, much to Zoe's consternation given the amount of pain she must be in.

As Zoe continued her examination she could feel her colleague shaking underneath her touch, whether in fear or due to her injuries she could not be certain, and the moment she moved too quickly she felt Sam instinctively flinch away from her. The young woman was obviously lost deeply in thought and was barely responding to any of her questions, in fact she had not said more than half a dozen words since they had found her all that time ago. Zoe couldn't help but think how sad it was that she had shut herself down and refused to let anyone in, but then she considered given the lack of communication she had received from Dylan both today and in recent weeks she conceded that was almost understandable.

The absurdity of the fact that Sam had two men in the department, Nick and Dylan, who were both so affected by her assault that they were both refusing to do more than barely acknowledge her existence was not lost on Zoe, given that Sam herself appeared so low and alone. She wished that there was something she could do herself to offer the vulnerable young woman comfort, but she knew that it wasn't her Sam wanted to draw support from.

"Can I go home now?" Sam said quietly, finally breaking her silence and meeting Zoe's gaze.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Zoe answered, hesitating before continuing. "Do you have someone who would be at home to look after you?"

Sam looked away, a reddish hue crossing her face and Zoe knew that she was thinking about her earlier lie. It had been clear from the moment those words had left Dr Nicholls' mouth that morning that she had not been out the night before, nor had there been any date to go on in the first place, and Zoe had assumed that the words had only been said aloud in the first place to provoke some reaction of sorts in her or Dylan. It wasn't as if Zoe wanted to make her feel any worse by reminding her of that difficult situation, more that she was genuinely concerned about her colleague being home alone that night. Sam may not have concussion, but come the morning those injuries her injuries were going to be painful beyond words and she wasn't sure the girl would be able to manage by herself.

"You know I'll only discharge myself anyway," Sam stated as a matter of fact but with a steely determination in her voice that Zoe had missed hearing in the past few hours.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do about getting you out of here," Zoe answered, figuring that Sam would actually follow that promise through regardless of medical opinion of her decision and therefore deciding it was better to at least manage her departure. "But we will have to find someone to drop you home, Jeff or Dixie perhaps if they can swing it."

As she went to leave the cubicle, Zoe turned for a second to watch as Sam carefully repositioned herself at the edge of the bed and immediately began reaching for the clothes Tess had earlier retrieved from her locker. She may have been limited in movement because of the severe discomfort she must have been in, but Sam's distinct strength of character as she bravely tested out each muscle and bone before starting to get ready for her imminent departure shone through.

The blonde haired woman in front of her should have looked shocking, given the obvious trauma she had been through on this very long day, yet despite the bruises that adorned nearly her entire form she looked anything but a state. The fact that Sam could sit here, hair in disarray, make-up long since tear stained and face pale wearing nothing more than a shapeless hospital gown and yet still emanate a sense of effortless beauty made Dr Hanna both admire and envy her in equal measure. Zoe couldn't help but wonder if the determined, feisty woman sitting in front of her in that moment was the girl Dylan had fallen in love with all that time before. Sam was striking, there was no doubt about that, but from the little Zoe knew of her young colleague she strongly believed that Sam herself had absolutely no concept of how beautiful she actually was.

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><p><strong>Thank you once again for reading. Reviews are always welcomed :)<strong>

**The next part should be up in a couple of days. Callie x**


	4. The definition of lonely

**Thank you to those of you who reviewed my previous update - your words never fail to make me smile. Extra special thanks to Anny, Meggi, Dee and ficmouse for your support with my writing - where would I be without you? :)**

**So here it is, update 4 - I hope you enjoy.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of lonely**

_Lonely: adjective; sad because one has no friends or company, without companions, solitary_

Dylan Keogh

Dylan knew he should have been back on his boat in bed, but sleep had been brief and fleeting that night. He had been beyond exhausted upon arriving home the previous day and had retreated straight to his room, attempting to steady his thoughts by reading the latest medical journal. It was at times like this that cold, hard facts and complex research pieces usually provided him with a degree of comfort yet even his most pleasurable past time had not moved his thoughts away from earlier events in the E.D.

The shift had already been a long one prior to the incident, with Samantha's erratic and mysterious behaviour causing him no end of consternation and confusion. In facing up to the fact that she appeared to have moved on and he had once again lost her, just like he had always known he would, Dylan had been forced to consider exactly where his relationship with his wife now stood. He remembered thinking how unfortunate it was that it stood in exactly the one place he had never wanted it to end up, with the two of them barely on speaking terms and him feeling like he had yet again failed in some unexplainable way.

Dylan couldn't help but blame himself for what had occurred after Samantha had departed resus, because he had seen the way that man had been behaving and had known there was a likelihood of him being difficult with her and that nurse. When Zoe had left resus upon hearing of a new incoming patient he had expected her to return with Dr Nicholls, yet it had been the nurse who had entered the room with her. Dylan knew that he had not particularly wished the young woman harm, she seemed relatively nice for a start, if a little too happy for his liking, yet he had immediately been concerned about his wife's lone treatment of the angry relative.

He recalled leaving resus immediately, determined to locate and check on his ex-wife, but this instinct wavered upon his arrival in the reception area as he had known she would not take kindly to his interference. In his hesitation his attention had faltered as Dr Kent had appeared in the department with a small child and several police officers in tow and as that piece of information had percolated his brain, Zoe had appeared behind him and questioned Dr Nicholls' behaviour that day.

Dylan's memories of the remainder of the day were almost a blur, which he knew was unusual as his memory had been crystal clear and sharp ever since he had been sober, yet there was one moment he was sure would remain burned onto his brain forevermore. The horror he had felt when the young female nurse had screamed out into the department that Samantha was hurt had hit him like a steam train and that sense of physical pain had remained with him to the present time.

He knew he had acted more as her husband than a doctor when he had scooped up her barely conscious form into his arms and carried her through to resus, but the act had been without thought and had done more to satisfy his need to keep her safe than it had aide her medical treatment. However once he had done his duty and taken Samantha to a safe place he remembered that his medical instincts had failed to kick in and he had remained motionless by her side. He could not recall a previous occasion where he had actually frozen and failed to commence treatment on a patient, yet Dr Nicholls was not just a patient and it was the unexpected intrusion of pure emotion into his clinical setting that had thrown him completely off balance.

That unwelcome feeling of helplessness was one that Dylan only remembered feeling at a few points in his lifetime, but he couldn't help but wonder whether this was how the majority of relatives who stood in resus watching their loved ones in great degrees of pain or discomfort would feel and for the first time in some considerable period he reflected on whether he had ever stopped to take into account their feelings in those first key moments where confusion reigned on resus post a new admission. If the part of him that was Dr Keogh, rather than plain old Dylan, could take anything positive from the experience of watching Samantha suffer it was his newfound respect for those who stood in his shoes without the medical knowledge to understand the chaotic scene unfolding around them.

The moment he had seen his wife flinch under Zoe's touch he knew she was in a much better physical condition that he had originally anticipated, yet it was in that brief second of relief that she started to use her extensive strength to rebel against her treatment and began fighting against any restraint or reason that was levelled against her. His mind had been instantaneously transported back to a time when he had watched the woman in front of him scare him witless by using her fear as a catalyst to break the constraints that had then bound her down. It was a harsh reality that he had been partially responsible for triggering her terror on both of those occasions and seeing her wrestle against the line that had been inserted in her arm, before finally wrenching it free was more than he had been able bear.

He hadn't noticed Nick Jordan appear behind him until the man spoke his name aloud and it had been that which jerked him back into the reality of the situation, a place that found him surrounded by worried faces of colleagues expecting him to manage his wife's reckless and unforeseen behaviour, but that pressure to act coupled with Samantha's obvious fright had led to him rapidly retreating to the relative safety of CDU.

He recalled the slightly nauseating feeling that had fallen across him upon sitting back behind the desk in CDU, the very same desk he had sat behind just a short while earlier as he had thought up reasons to visit resus to check on the same woman who was now being treated for injuries just down the corridor from his seat. Given the unexpectedly lengthened departure he had taken from his role in CDU his remaining patients had been restless at best and his continuing treatment of them had been delayed further due to the unexplained disappearance of that male nurse, who he had seen roaming the corridors earlier apparently looking for his distressed young female counterpart. It had entered his mind at that point whether they had an issue being separated, as he usually only saw one of them in close proximity to the other rather than as today working in different areas of the E.D.

He knew he had deliberately buried himself in the various illnesses and ailments that had afflicted his CDU occupants mainly to distract himself from the situation with Samantha, but as a diversion it had failed to work mainly due to Zoe's insistence on interrupting him at regular intervals with updates on her condition and test results. He had felt the need to instruct her to leave his area and not return, notwithstanding his knowledge that he was directing his anger and frustration at the wrong individual. If Dr Hanna had taken offence by his harsh words she had not shown it, because she had continued to provide him with information for the remainder of their shift even though he had single-mindedly decided to ignore her on principal every occasion she returned.

It wasn't as if he was not grateful to her, because he would rather her treat Dr Nicholls and her injuries than almost every other doctor in the department. Dr Lyons was not to be trusted with such an important task in his opinion, Dr Kent would have been wholly inappropriate to examine Samantha on any occasion and he felt a deep sense of unease at the thought of Mr Jordan laying hands on his wife, in spite of having no reasonable explanation for those same thoughts. Even looking back on the day with the benefit of hindsight he knew that Dr Hanna was the best doctor for that particular role, in fact she was the only person he would have authorised to treat her had anyone sought his opinion on that throughout the process.

Zoe had implied to him that she felt it would be a positive for him to actually see his wife following the resolution of any immediate danger, yet whilst he had considered the option appealing he felt unable to leave his position to stand by her side. Their role in each other's lives had slipped from spouses to mere colleagues over the past twelve months and despite their recent periods of good humour in their relationship, Dr Nicholls had been icily cool with him in recent weeks and he therefore doubted she would see any reason to allow him access to her bedside. He felt incredibly useless being unable to offer her any real comfort, but as he was now adamant that there was someone else in her life able to fulfil that role he felt it was only best he stayed away. Her earlier traumatised behaviour in resus had shocked him to the core and the thought of her being forced to recall the attack and own past experiences was too distressing for him to allow it more than a passing thought. If his history had taught him anything it was that people had a tendency to bury difficult emotions for a reason and both he and Samantha were masters at that type of behaviour.

It was as he now stood in the freezing cold rain and near pitch blackness outside of her flat, a tired and bedraggled looking Dervla snuggled into his leg for warmth he reflected that it may not be a few days until he got any sort of resolution to the outstanding questions that lay open in his mind, because given the nature of her injuries Dr Nicholls would not be back at work for a week at least. Zoe had arranged Samantha's discharge and a lift home for her at lightning speed and it had been clear to him, from Dr Hanna's obvious annoyance at him, that he was not welcome to ask for more details. In fact she had told him in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to know something about his wife's condition he should try asking her himself, which he knew she was aware would not be a conversation that he would be willing to start that night.

He watched as the light came on in the room he assumed was Samantha's bedroom, given that she had always been partial to a street facing room, and it was that reassurance that she was awake and therefore in a reasonable physical state, that finally allowed him to move from the spot he had worn in the pavement and begin the slow walk home with his canine companion close at heel.

* * *

><p><span>Sam Nicholls <span>

Sam stood motionless in the shower allowing the warm water to cascade down over her and sooth her aching muscles. The cuts and lacerations that enveloped her upper body stung at every single drop of water, yet that pain provided a strange sense of comfort to her in that the prolonged torment gave her an anchor in the reality of her situation rather than her completely losing herself deep in thought.

Her sleep that night had been disturbed, which she accepted was far from unexpected given the searing discomfort of her injuries, pain that had failed to be repressed even despite her finally accepting stronger painkillers from Zoe prior to leaving the hospital. However it had not only been the physical pain sustained in the assault that had triggered her disrupted night, as she knew that she had been slightly on edge ever since she had fully retained consciousness. Sam recognised that this again wasn't exactly unanticipated due to the loss of control she felt during the attack, but she couldn't help feeling an unnerving sense of disappointment in herself for letting the incident get to her this badly. Her army training had taught her how to minimise her emotions at times of crisis, to survive even the most difficult of circumstances and despite all of this she had allowed herself to be weak at the point where she most needed to show her strength, a trait she saw as unforgiveable in herself.

She did however recall that she had managed to stick to her insistence and get herself discharged from the hospital the previous day, rather than stay in and be admitted which she knew had been Zoe's preferred option. Doctors always did make the worse patients in Sam's opinion, but more than that she had never been that comfortable in being forced to lay herself open to other people, preferring instead to mull over her thoughts in solitude. It had appeared Dr Hanna had decided not to argue with her, but in their compromise over her release her colleague had imposed two conditions; firstly that Sam allowed her to prescribe stronger painkillers to aide her in managing her own treatment and secondly that she willingly accepted a lift home from Dixie and Jeff, Zoe having decided that even the short walk to Sam's home was beyond her capabilities at that point. Upon her trying to debate this one point alone, Mr Jordan had appeared by her side and silenced her with just a simple hand on her shoulder, as if removing her argument with just his presence alone.

She wasn't sure whether the paramedics had either offered or been coerced into providing her transport, but she was grateful to them at any rate. The two of them had been her co-conspirators on a number of occasions since her arrival and she knew that when she reflected back on her time at Holby from the army base at Bastian, some of her fondest memories of the department would be days spent out with the them on shouts. Those were the occasions when she ceased to be confined by the restrictions of the E.D. and could practice emergency medicine the way she had always anticipated being free to do, and where the action girl reputation she had cultivated over numerous years had been on show for all to see.

The ride home with Jeff and Dixie had been fleeting, but upon their arrival at her flat it had been they who had insisted on accompanying her in to ensure her safe arrival. She hadn't been entirely keen on even them seeing the insides of her somewhat spartan accommodation, especially the boxes she had as yet failed to unpack, handily as it transpired given her imminent departure from the country. However it had brought her a limited degree of comfort to listen to the couple noisily making them all a coffee in her kitchen, their gentle bickering providing an alternative soundtrack to the usual all-encompassing silence that she usually returned home to.

It had been when they eventually departed, leaving her alone with clear instructions to call if she needed any support, that Jeff called her "Princess", which made her smile in spite of herself. She knew that his much repeated nickname was not reserved just for her, but at that time it had made her feel special nonetheless and she had dragged herself to bed with both the warmth of that comment and the steaming mug of coffee lodged deep inside her.

Sam recalled the first moment she had opened her eyes that morning, her room still bathed in darkness with barely a hint of streetlight streaming through her curtains. A wave of abject despair had washed over her before she had even fully adjusted to being awake, causing her to grab out for the lamp switch by her bedside, which in turn sent a searing pain down her side and triggered a wave of nausea that had nearly threatened to push her into unconsciousness. Her first coherent thought on calming herself down had been the ache that occurred inside her every morning, the ache she had felt ever since Dylan's departure from their marriage over a year previously. She felt it unfortunate that her physical injuries and her self-doubt over her ability to cope had only seemed to make this dull ache more intense.

Standing in the shower Sam threw her head back and allowed the water to wash away the salty tears that had been streaming down her face. Every single act that she had completed since dragging herself from her bed had caused her to wince at the movement of muscles and the graunch of bone in places even her medical training hadn't indicated to her should hurt at that moment. She remembered that her coffee making exercise had been on the edge of bearable, but she had fallen at the first hurdle in washing her hair, with the simple act of moving her hand above her head seeming beyond possible given her bruised and cracked ribs.

As Sam exited the shower she wrapped a large fluffy white towel around her, taking some vague relief from the light feel of the material against her skin. The room outside her glass cubicle had long since steamed up, so she wiped her hand across the mirror and studied the blurry reflection of her battered body with a sigh. She considered that even on her worse day in Afghanistan she had never looked quite this awful, and the irony of the fact that returning to a warzone may in fact be a safer location for her than Holby City E.D. was almost laughable.

With that thought in mind Sam struggled back into her bedroom and dried herself off, leaving her still wet hair trailing down her back. She sourced the clothes and underwear from the pile that remained permanently atop her chest of drawers, as she had yet to find a reason to neatly locate it in the drawers below. It sapped the small amount of energy she had yet to use in dressing herself, with Sam learning how difficult it was to navigate buckles, zips and buttons whilst keeping the majority of her muscles still to minimise the impact on her sore body.

The clothes, especially the tightness of underwear, felt alien against her bare, damaged skin and no matter how much she adjusted her outfit there always seemed to be something rubbing uncomfortably against one of her numerous lacerations. She had chosen to sleep in only an old oversized t-shirt for that very reason, as the cool loose cotton laid gently on her skin, but barely registered against her bruises. The t-shirt itself had been a favourite of hers, as it had been one that she herself had purchased for Dylan prior to their honeymoon given that she had assumed, rightly it had transpired, that her husband would fail to buy any appropriate holiday clothing. She recalled that his idea of casual wear was akin to walking boots rather than beachwear for a romantic vacation.

Upon thinking of Dylan, Sam again had to blink back the tears from her eyes as she cursed herself for becoming such an emotional person in recent weeks. She still felt the crushing weight of defeat that had been pushing down on her since his disappearance from resus the day before and whilst his continued absence had been a disappointment, it was his lack of contact since that had hurt her the deepest. They had never been a couple to have involved conversations over the phone, but if it had been him she knew she would have called or at least tried to get confirmation from the man himself that he was actually okay.

Sam winced hard as she ripped herself from her thoughts by distractedly pulling out the stitches that had been carefully sewn into lower arm. She grabbed hard at the now bloodied wound, clutching her hand around it to stem the bleeding, but in spite of the warm liquid now seeping slowly between her fingers she couldn't actually bring herself to care. It just seemed to her that everything about the situation she now found herself in purveyed a sense of emptiness that Sam knew she would not just be able to shake off, even when her injuries had started to heal.

The independent streak that she had always prided herself on felt like it was better suited to the old Sam, a girl she felt she barely knew these days. Despite her near constant assurances to the contrary she recognised that she had always taken great comfort from the attention her husband had showered her with when she had been either sick or injured in the past. The days when she had been trapped at home with a broken ankle had inexplicably sprung to her mind, days she spent curled up on the sofa in her hoody and slouchy trousers, snuggling up to Dylan and Dervla in front of an open fire, whilst her husband attended to her every whim without so much as a grumble. Sam missed having him by her side at times like this; his sweet, caring side was well hidden from the rest of the world but had always been open to her when she had needed to call on it. She couldn't help but consider whether Dylan had allowed Zoe to be party to this aspect of himself and the hurt she felt even at the thought of that was enough to send her head into a spin.

Sam sank back into her bed, wrapping herself up into a ball as the tears started to stream down her face once again. She recalled those happy times with Dylan, back when they had had no need for conversation, having grown used to being able to talk without any words. These days it had become apparent that they barely even spoke, never mind know each other well enough anymore to read the other's thoughts. The immense loneliness she felt in that one moment was all but overwhelming and Sam felt herself sinking into her heartbreak all over again. The tears stung against her cuts, as Sam cried out for comfort that she knew was never going to be received and as her weeping turned to desperate sobs, the wracking pain from her chest caused her to pull herself into a tighter bundle.

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><p><strong>Thank you as ever for reading and I would welcome reviews &amp; feedback. <strong>

**The next update is likely to be up on Wednesday. Callie x**


	5. The definition of paternal

**Thank you once again to all my readers and reviewers, especially Anny, Meggi and Ficmouse for their neverending support and kind words. I'm so pleased by the positive reaction to this fic and it is inspiring me to keep going, even though I'm having a crazy week!**

**Here is part 5, I hope you enjoy. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of paternal**

_Paternal: adjective; of or appropriate to a father, showing a kindness and care associated with a father_

Sam Nicholls

Sam found herself sitting silently on the comfortable chair and tried to push the fear she was feeling from her mind. She couldn't bring herself to look up from the floor, not having yet decided what her answer to his question would be but the one thing she did know was that she couldn't continue like this. The newly re-opened wound on her arm was throbbing deeply inside her and the excruciating headache that had formed as she had descended into sobs on her bed a few hours earlier was almost causing tears to again appear in her eyes. His words were resonating loudly around her brain and deep inside she knew that he was right, but admitting that she actually needed help was something Samantha Nicholls had never been prepared to do.

She recalled the mixture of shock and surprise that had crossed the faces of her colleagues as she had arrived at work, not only early to undertake her shift but also with an air of what she hoped they had perceived as confidence about her. She had known that as appearances had gone, she looked pretty rough despite the make-up she had used to cover up the dark, tear stained circles that were present beneath her eyes. The pain she was in had dictated that her still damp hair was only tied back loosely in a messy ponytail, as any further intervention would have caused unspeakable levels of discomfort in her chest and arms, but she would have described herself as just about passable to face the public.

She knew that she had walked into the staffroom like she hadn't been seriously assaulted just metres away the previous day, her head held high and a small, definitely faked, smile plastered onto her face. It wasn't just a matter of acting normally to save face, but Sam had felt that she must prove to the outside world she still had what it took to re-join her army unit when she was called up. It hadn't felt like following her instincts and hiding out in her flat, curled up in front of mindless daytime television, had even been an option given the circumstances. For that reason, and to ensure she demonstrated to her colleagues that she was just fine on her own, Sam had dragged her aching body the short distance from her flat to the E.D. The fact that this small act alone had all but sapped her energy had worried her slightly, but despite her near exhaustion she knew it was important to make an effort to keep up appearances for the outside world. She couldn't see any justification in letting anyone, most notably Dylan, know how weak she really was, especially not after his complete dismissal of her the previous day.

The reaction from her colleagues to her arrival had started off seeming relatively friendly, but had soon become a grinding irritation to her. Tess and Charlie had both shown her kindness, offering her a seat which she politely refused for anxiety of not being able to control her pain levels as she sat down and got back up. The likes of Linda and Lenny had made some comments about her being virtually indestructible, with a tone to their voice that sounded vaguely sarcastic to her and young Scarlett had practically refused to make any eye contact with her. However it had been Zoe's unwelcome intervention that had annoyed Sam the most. She had not been given a choice in accepting the older doctor's help the day before, what with Zoe being assigned to treat her injuries and Sam did know that her colleague had offered her nothing but a great standard of care. Despite that, Zoe's public questioning of her fitness had been an interference too far and Sam recalled standing her ground and snapping back at her that she was more than capable of making that decision herself. She had been surprised that Dr Hanna had not challenged her on that comment, remembering all their previous clashes within the department, but instead Zoe just deferred to Sam's judgement and busied herself making a coffee.

Tom's arrival soon after her own had jogged Sam's memory and she had approached him to offer her thanks for his help in catching her attacker. He had shrugged off her praise, instead apologising to her for failing to manage the situation better before it escalated. She was pretty sure that they agreed mutual culpability for the incident that occurred and Tom's apparently genuine understanding of how the situation got so out of control gave her enough comfort to offer him an almost genuine smile. She had felt relieved to hear that what happened hadn't been completely her own fault; despite her assuring Tom that she was not actually apportioning any blame to him for her assault.

At some point during her conversation with Dr Kent she had become aware that Dylan had appeared at the doorway, looking incredibly tired and upon meeting his stare she had seen that his eyes were like thunder. She had sensed the wave of interest circulate through her colleagues behind them, but the majority quickly exited through the door Dylan had arrived in mere moments before, obviously reluctant to be part of an awkward domestic scene two days in a row. Tom had apparently also felt the tension in the air and pulled a face at her, before turning and leaving the room, touching her arm reassuringly as he did so.

Dylan's consternation at her presence at work had played out across his face, in a way Sam had never been used to seeing him express his feelings. His words had been harsh, gruff and almost spiteful in tone, disparaging of her attempts at normalcy and he had stated the obvious in his ascertain that she should be recovering at home. She had felt it unfortunate that she was no longer able to read him well enough to know whether his comments had been made out of genuine concern for her, irritation at her perceived reckless attitude towards her recovery or out of a moral sense of obligation towards his ex-wife, but she had known that she felt distinctly small standing under his gaze.

She had almost been grateful for Zoe's intervention at that stage, the older doctor interrupting the scene playing out in front of her with an offer of coffee to them both, yet in seeing her husband respond positively to Dr Hanna's offer and visibly dismiss Sam from his thoughts was still a hard thing to watch. She had been left staring into the empty space where Dylan had been standing just seconds before, unsure of what her next course of action should be. The thought of remaining in the staffroom with Dr's Keogh and Hanna would never have been her first choice, but if she was honest with herself neither was facing a department full of patients in her present state. It had briefly crossed her mind that potentially she was not ready to return to work, but she had never really been comfortable with the thought of failure either.

"Dr Nicholls?" had boomed Mr Jordan's voice across the nearly empty staffroom, and despite the fact that Sam had been staring towards the doorway, her eyes had been unseeing and therefore she had nearly jumped out of her skin upon hearing his words. "A word in my office please," he had continued, motioning at her to follow him.

She had moved to follow him, but before leaving had turned her head and sadly looked on as Dylan and Zoe stood closely together by the kettle, talking as he made his coffee. She had dragged her eyes away from the scene and turned back to Mr Jordan, only to catch him staring somewhat wistfully at the pair of them also. Sam had already recognised from her conversation with him the previous day that she and her Clinical Lead appeared to share some similarities, but she hadn't until that point realised quite how alike their thinking was over some topics.

"Dr Nicholls," Mr Jordan's voice again called from the doorway. "Today would be useful," he had continued before stalking off towards his office. Sam felt a strange sense of deja-vu at his words, so alike they were to his summons to her at the start of her shift the day before. However on thinking that she also recalled that this time yesterday she had not yet said aloud that she was Afghanistan bound as soon as possible, nor had she been assaulted. The last twenty four hours had been one of the longest days of her life and she knew she could only hope that today was far shorter and much less eventful.

Sam had sat down in the chair in Mr Jordan's office, knowing full well he was most likely about to ask her a number of probing questions and lecture her about recovery timescales, before trying to send her home. She had hoped he didn't notice how long it had taken her to follow him up to his room, the tiny distance taking her an inordinate amount of time to cover and whilst he had retrieved paperwork, the dreaded incident form, from his desk she had carefully positioned herself as comfortably as possible in the seat to avoid aggravating her injuries any more than necessary whilst they talked.

However rather than proceed with the formalities of form filling, her boss had moved round in front of his desk and leant back on it like a seat.

"Dr Nicholls," he had started, his voice soft. "Sam," he continued, before hesitating and she knew the evident surprise she felt at his rare use of her first name flushed across her face. "Sam, are you okay?"

She'd almost frowned at the simplicity of his question, especially given that she knew it would have been quite apparent to pretty much anyone that she was far from being that.

"I'm fine," she had replied simply, trying to be as non-committal as possible. She couldn't recall the thousands of times that she would have defined herself as being "fine" when she was far from being that, the word seemed to cover a multitude of sins and whilst out on tour, she had used the description so many times to deflect attention from the realities of the horror she was actually feeling stuck in a warzone miles from home.

"You're far from fine and you know it," Mr Jordan's sharp response had come, puncturing her thoughts and reminding her of the reality of the situation she now found herself in. "You look like hell, you're obviously in a lot of pain and I'm assuming the fact you are even here means that you want to work today," he had continued, to which she had nodded in answer.

"I just want to keep busy," she had started to explain, but he had cut her off before she could continue.

"Then for your sake, let me help you," he had advised her. "Yesterday you were trying to convince me that you aren't running away from anything when you go back to the army, but here you are again today, trying to escape everything that is going on around you by throwing yourself into work. You can't do everything by yourself, there is going to come a point where you are going to need to ask for some support."

He had hesitated slightly, before continuing, "Come on Sam, let me in. Will you let me help you? Will you tell me what's really going on?"

She briefly considered lying to him, persuasively pushing the issue that she really was fine despite his close to the mark comments. Still her newly reopened wound was creating a throbbing sensation in her arm, her head was pounding from a deep seated headache and Mr Jordan's words were repeating through her mind, on some kind of twisted loop. Sam had never been one for showing weakness and she barely remembered asking anyone for help, bar Dylan on the odd occasion when they had been close enough for him to almost offer it willingly regardless. She found herself practically drilling a whole in the carpet with her gaze, focusing her eyes on a single spot in a desperate attempt to prevent tears from reappearing on her cheeks.

She took a deep breath and looked up, knowing his focus had never left her despite her lack of response. It was in that mutual exchange of looks, a moment of shared understanding of confusion, hurt and pain that Sam made a decision she knew could leave her laid bare to his scrutiny and send her scarily close to allowing him inside her head.

Without looking away from him, she gently rolled her sleeve up slightly and removed the newly attached gauze patch she had applied to her still bleeding wound prior to leaving her flat not that long before. She peeled it back, revealing the partially removed, moderately damaged stitches, stitches it would be obvious to her boss had been deliberately removed rather than accidentally picked out. She watched him physically wince at the sight, a mixture of pity and sadness crossing his face, before he moved to kneel down in front of her and took her hand, his touch emanating a sense of safety that she couldn't help but appreciate.

"Let's do something about sorting that out shall we?" he asked, and she nodded, tears brimming in her eyes. "It's going to be okay Sam, you're going to be fine," he added with a reassuring smile, and she knew that he wasn't just talking about the seeping wound on her arm anymore. She had never wanted to be the vulnerable girl whose dad had to take care of her, but right now she knew that not only was that what she needed, surprisingly it was what she wanted to.

* * *

><p><span>Nick Jordan<span>

Nick had hated seeing Sam in so much pain, but having spent some time listening to the staffroom conversations before making his presence known he knew that her hurt was more than just physical. Upon her somewhat delayed arrival at his office, which he had known was down to a mixture of her injuries and exhaustion, he had pretended to busy himself with paperwork as she slowly settled into a chair and tried to hide the extent of her discomfort. However it had been her facial expressions that had given away exactly how she was feeling, as despite her best attempts to remain a blank canvas he noted the tough cookie expression she was wearing at any point she knew he looked in her direction wavered the moment she felt his gaze was averted, instantaneously being replaced by an alternating blank, glazed over look or what he would affectionately describe as a "bambi" face, totally forlorn and lonely.

He had felt an overwhelming sense of relief when it appeared that she had relinquished her fiercely defended independence slightly and was going to let him help her, but this had been short-lived upon seeing the state of her bloody wound. He couldn't help but silently question how accidental the aggravation to her pre-existing injury actually was, yet regardless of the cause it was apparent that it needed to be cleaned up and re-stitched and he hoped that his words of reassurance allayed any concerns she had about opening up to him in the first place.

Nick had been able to gauge how uneasy Sam was about asking for his help the moment he had returned to his office with the necessary accoutrements for stitching her laceration and found her nervously biting her lip. He had found it strangely therapeutic to care for her and it seemed to appeal to something within him that he had the opportunity to make her feel somewhat better. He had offered to gently check her over and ensure the remainder of her wounds were still intact, but after the briefest of once overs their eyes had met and he knew they both felt highly uncomfortable with the close physical contact.

He wondered what exactly it was about the beautiful young woman that made it feel almost inappropriate to examine her or even touch her, but he had felt the same way in resus the day before and he had fled the room because of it. The very thought of that moment gave him a strange sense of empathy for Dr Keogh, the man who obviously still loved his wife very deeply if his reaction to her injuries had been anything to go by. Yet whilst it was clear to Nick that Dylan had run from Sam because he couldn't face up to the emotions of seeing Sam hurt, his own feelings were more akin to that of a helpless father than anything at all romantic.

"Thank you," she said meekly, before returning her gaze to the floor. Nick considered how much of her feisty spark she had lost over the previous few weeks, not just as a result of the attack. Yes, he had locked horns with her on a number of occasions regardless, but she had not been herself for quite a while and yet it was only now, when faced with the physical scars of her assault that it had become apparent quite how far she had withdrawn. Nevertheless he knew that the Dr Nicholls he had come to know and love since her arrival in his E.D. was still there, he just needed to find a way to bring her out from behind the mask she was hiding behind.

"I don't really think you're fit enough to work Sam. I really should be signing you off," he'd stated honestly, but she had shrugged off his concern without as much as a second thought. He had listened to her arguments as to why she should be allowed to work, even given the compelling reasons for her to be at home, and hadn't been surprised by their coherence or the passion with which she expressed them. He had never failed to notice that when she talked about work the girl's eyes always lit up a little brighter and it comforted him that she still managed to fight her own corner on her reasons for being at work.

The fact that Sam appeared so adamant about working her shift was what swung it for him in the end, as he knew that feeling all too well from his own history of illness. It had never mattered to him how sick he had been, he had always wanted to be at work and whilst he knew that the attitude he had adopted back then was unhealthy he could see that the opportunity to continue in relative normality for the day might be the crutch Sam needed to see her through this bad patch.

He recalled laying down an almost never ending set of conditions that predicated her return to the department floor, most notably that she would remain by his side in resus the entire time. Her surprise at his choice of role for her had been evident, but he had hurriedly covered his tracks and explained to her that she looked scarily pale and beaten, so keeping her away from their conscious and clear minded patients was probably for the best. He had known resus wasn't her ideal placement, given her lack of physical ability on that particular shift, but this had instantly been overridden by his desire to keep an eye on her and prevent her from coming to further harm. He knew he would never tell her that he was worried about how she would react if a patient shouted at her when she was alone with them in cubicles, although he silently acknowledged that he wasn't sure if he was more concerned she would go to pieces or more worryingly take some sort of retaliation out on them. The Dr Nicholls he knew was more than capable of being hot headed and short fused when she wanted to be and he could tell she was feeling as if she had something to prove today.

He had been less than keen to return to the mania of the department with his newly acquired shadow in tow, but he had seen how time had ticked on as he had offered Sam support and he knew that by now they would both be being missed.

"I thought we needed to fill in the incident report?" she questioned, confused look upon her face as he motioned for them to leave the room.

He had laughed in response, before adding "You can fill it in when we get a quiet spell. Just make sure you put in what great treatment you got in the E.D. and how understanding your boss has been and I will be happy."

Sam nodded and smiled, a smile Nick could tell was a lot more genuine than the previous ones he had seen on her in recent weeks. His thoughts turned to a certain Dr Keogh, who was no doubt already holed up inside CDU which was fast becoming his main residence within the department. Dylan was a decent man and a brilliant doctor, that much Nick was certain of yet his treatment of Dr Nicholls had been nothing short of shoddy in recent weeks. He instinctively considered whether the man was even good enough for Sam, assessing that he failed to measure up to Nick's own expectations of what she deserved. Nonetheless he was well aware of how much her husband meant to her and he was determined not to see her hurt any further by added complications, which he assumed at some point meant he would need to tackle Zoe over her intentions.

He shook that thought from his head as soon as it entered, figuring that having that conversation with his own ex-partner was going to be beyond awkward and wouldn't be a situation he would willingly put himself into for anyone other than his young medic. The fact was that this situation needed a resolution and soon, especially with Sam's newly acknowledged desire to return to Afghanistan as quickly as she was able. Her departure was not something he was positively anticipating because he knew the hole it would leave within the department, but especially in both himself and Dylan, but if she got her wish he was sure that she needed to leave on good terms with the team, and that included both her husband and Zoe. He refused to let her return to war with such important issues left unsettled and long overdue conversations remaining unspoken.

He followed Sam out of the office, watching her hold herself together and refuse to buckle to the pain that it was transparent to him she was suffering, obstinate to a fault as always. However as she turned her head slightly to the side and met his gaze once again, her eyes slightly unsure and her resolve no doubt wavering, he realised quite how much she looked like a little girl sometimes.

As he guided her gently down to the department, still against his better judgement but knowing how important it was to her, he felt a wave of paternal responsibility wash over him and he considered how it could be that somewhere along the way, he had not only gained a highly skilled army medic but a young woman he thought of like a daughter. He only hoped that now she had opened herself up to him slightly he wouldn't buckle under the weight of any expectations she had of him, because he knew with certainty that she would need him on her side for some time to come.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading and I would welcome reviews as ever. I know this fic has been a little bit like the depths of despair for poor Sam and whilst that is not over yet, at least I have finally made her see there is someone on her side right? :)<strong>

**The next update is likely to be on Sunday or Monday as I am away for a few days. Callie x**


	6. The definition of stubborn

**Thank you to everyone for your reviews of chapter 5 and to my lovely fanfic buddies (you know who you are), thank you for your support as ever with this fic and all my writing. **

**Here is chapter 6. I hope you enjoy it. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of stubborn**

_Stubborn: adjective; having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of having good reasons to do so_

Sam Nicholls

Sam leant back against the staffroom kitchen counter and took some deep breaths to control her exhaustion and steady her nerve. Every single one of her muscles, even the ones that hadn't been caught in the tirade of blows the previous day, were aching deep inside her and having spent the entire day holding herself together she had created the unwelcome effect of stiffening her body up to the point where she wasn't sure how much she was actually in control of her own limbs anymore.

It had already been an incredibly busy shift and despite the fact that it was far from over she had been forced into taking a break at Mr Jordan's insistence. She hated that the day was taking such a toll on her, with her only main comfort coming on that score coming from Zoe commenting on the relentless and ever increasing workload that had poured into the E.D. already that shift. She couldn't help but smile to herself knowing that she wasn't the only one finding the day tougher than normal and unlike herself, Dr Hanna didn't even have the excuse of being injured.

Sam hoped that her colleagues hadn't picked up on how much pain and discomfort she had been in. It felt bad enough that she had already opened up to Mr Jordan and allowed him to see her weakness, but she credited him with enough sensitivity, discretion and reassuringly enough protectiveness to keep her confidence. Trusting people had never come easy to her, with only Dylan ever having previously earned the right to be someone she could open herself up to, although she had to admit he had never welcomed such frank disclosures. It had been that moment in Mr Jordan's office where he had asked her to let him help that she had decided she could trust him, a decision she had a feeling she would not regret despite her initial concerns. Something about her Clinical Lead gave her the feeling that he had her best interests at heart and that for some reason, he appeared quite happy to let her lean on him. She only hoped that he wouldn't tire of her current vulnerability, because as much as it pained her to admit it even to herself, she really needed someone in her corner right now.

Sam recalled how she had strangely dropped her barriers down around him and allowed him to fuss over her slightly despite her usual wish to be independent and wholly self-sufficient. He had made his efforts to help her appear almost over the top and comical, ordering their colleagues to pick up the slack physically from her and eliciting an eye roll from her in return. She hadn't realised until he had tipped her the wink but Mr Jordan's humour in dealing with her inability to undertake full duties at that particular time had drawn attention away from how awful she was feeling and as it turned out the chance to spend one-to-one time with him in such a pressured environment meant she had actually learned a great deal from him already that day, which she was always going to be much appreciative of.

Sam reflected that she would have found it unbearable if her colleagues had seen how much she was hurting, but she was reasonably confident that she had covered it well enough to fool them, given how little most of them knew her to start with. She realised people had been surprised to see her in the department at all and given the never ending stream of patients in and out of resus Sam recalled she had had the misfortune of crossing paths with nearly the entire staff group throughout the day, meaning her fake smile and utterings of "I'm fine" had been irritatingly present almost constantly.

Dixie and Jeff had been the first to nearly crack her resolve to stay strong. Their concern for her welfare had been well-placed given the state she knew she looked when they had left her merely twelve hours before, yet she had managed to accept their warm hugs and Jeff's parting remark of "Take care of yourself princess", without allowing the tears prickling in her eyes to start falling.

They had been the first in a long line of people who had almost queued up alongside her throughout the shift to wish her well, everyone from Big Mac and Noel to technicians she had barely even been aware existed prior to that point. Even surgeons from other departments, those from wards like Darwin, Keller and AAU who rarely lowered themselves to make the apparently short journey from their part of the hospital to the E.D. had deigned to speak to her and offer their support when they had come to assess patients. Sam knew she came across as confident, a skill she had honed through years of being embedded with the army, but she had definitely felt uncomfortable under the gaze of so many people.

In fact by the time she had been in the department a few hours Sam had only picked up on two people from her team that she had yet to speak to. One of them was obviously avoiding her, for reasons she was learning to sympathise with given their complicated personal circumstances but it still burned nonetheless. According to the earlier conversation she had overheard between Linda and Lenny, Dr Keogh had all but insisted he would run cubicles and CDU to free up the other doctors to help out in resus. Sam found this apparent act of generosity unbecoming of him, especially when she was well aware he would have recognised that it would appear to be a defiant act of avoidance in her eyes.

She had managed to push thoughts of Dylan to the back of her mind for the majority of the shift, partially due to how busy she had been but just as equally due to the constant haze of pain that had been clouding her mind. Sam smiled to herself in the staffroom, knowing that there was a strange perversion in the fact that only near all-consuming agony could keep her from thinking about her husband. It was only that she had been used to living in silence with Dylan for a great deal of their marriage, however comfortable or not that silence had been, which had prevented her from cornering him in CDU and physically forcing him to talk to her.

Sam remembered that she hadn't really given the second person who had been avoiding her any choice in whether or not to face up to that, as she had cornered Scarlett in resus, cursing the younger nurse as she did for the discomfort caused by the near impossible speed which had been required to cut off her escape route. She had confronted Nurse Conway over her lack of communication and listened with confusion as the poor girl had muttered something almost incomprehensible about the assault being all her fault. Sam recalled being utterly bemused and at a complete loss as to why everyone wanted to take responsibility for an attack that had been no-one's fault except her own yet she had reassured Scarlett regardless that she was not responsible. Their subsequent discussion had been eye-opening for Sam, listening to her colleague's shock and horror at having found her collapsed on the floor and she had realised with interest that Scarlett had very little life experience prior to her placement at Holby City E.D.. Sam had always known that her army experiences set her apart from most medics in terms of her coping strategies for difficult situations, but this girl in front of her had been quite innocent to the challenging days ahead of her in a nursing career. Sam had allowed herself to briefly consider taking on the task of toughening Scarlett up but before she had even given it more than a passing thought she remembered her imminent departure, a departure she knew was now dependant on the speed of her recovery.

Sam had known she would require an updated medical prior to her posting out to Afghanistan and she could only hope that her expected recall to hell was not delayed too greatly by the injuries she had received. A wounded army medic would be next to useless in a warzone when she would have thousands of service personnel relying on her to be fit enough to save their lives, nevertheless the last thing she wanted to do was to remain stuck in Holby with her husband for the foreseeable future. If it came down to it, she was reasonably sure she could rely on Mr Jordan to give her a positive medical and to be honest, even if he wouldn't she was pretty certain Zoe could be persuaded of the benefits of helping remove her from the country, especially if it meant Dylan would then be free of any ties to her for at least nine months. If it hadn't been completely unethical and against every rule in his book she would have asked her husband to do the damn medical in the first place, because he was the one person she knew would want to be rid of her and the impact she had on his life like a shot.

Standing in the empty staffroom, Sam couldn't help but consider if any of her colleagues would actually miss her when she was gone. A small part of her did feel like she had slightly become part of their team in recent times, but still detached from them all the same. She contemplated that aside from Mr Jordan, and the ever approachable paramedics, there weren't many people in the department who she actually thought would be particularly bothered by her absence, thoughts of her husband's own erratic and stunted emotional responses notwithstanding.

Sam did wonder whether she would ever have become friends with any of the team if she hadn't been due to leave them so suddenly and when she thought through the various options she only came up with two that would ever have been viable. Dr Hanna could have been a great ally of hers, someone Sam knew she could have learned a lot from, yet that possible friendship had been shattered the moment she had picked up on Zoe's interest in her own husband. That therefore left Tom as the one person she felt she could have built some sort of personal connection with, his mixture of humour, strong ethics and an ability to bend the rules slightly when required appealing to her like no one else had in a long time. Sam knew she had never been very good at being friends, but Tom really did seem to meet any criteria she had for awarding someone that status.

She had bumped into him a number of times during the shift as he dealt with the paediatric cases that had been stacking up just as quickly as the adults. She recalled appreciating how he had joked with her about the chaos reigning down around them as they both wrote notes up and checked patient details at the reception desk, causing her to replace the "I'm fine" smile with a slightly more genuine one for the first time in hours. She might not be staying long enough to become friends, but Sam was quite happy to spend her remaining time in the company of someone she knew who could improve her mood and given how blatantly obvious it was to her that Dylan was not prepared to be that person for her any longer, she was quite willing to get to know Tom a little better instead.

"It's nice to see you smile," a female voice sounded close to her, breaking Sam's trail of thought as she realised she was no longer alone. Zoe appeared by her side, her open locker testament to her having been in the room for a little while already despite Sam not having picked up on this until she had spoken.

"Would you like a coffee?" Zoe questioned, gesturing at the various coffee making implements Sam had collected on the counter behind her before she had lost herself in memories some time before.

Sam considered rebuffing the offer and insisting that she was more than capable of making her own hot drink, yet the overwhelming sense of tiredness that had long since descended weakened her resolve and she just nodded in response. She moved away from the work surface to give Zoe access to the kettle and winced at the movement of her extremely stiffened muscles as she did so. Dr Hanna caught her eye briefly, visibly concerned but Sam dismissed her worry with what she hoped was a reassuring half-smile. She knew that she was being nothing more than obstinate, but she refused to give in to the pain that she was feeling, especially in front of Zoe.

Sam felt that the older doctor had been something of an ever present force over her the past few weeks, always watching her with interest, almost as if to see how she measured up. Sam knew that she was many things, incredibly stubborn being one of them, but as she took the much wanted coffee, she realised sadly she had begun to accept that when it came to Dylan, she wasn't even on the same scale as Zoe Hanna.

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><p><span>Zoe Hanna<span>

Zoe watched her younger colleague gratefully take the steaming mug of drink from her hands, a vaguely reflective and desolate look passing across her face as she began to sip at the liquid, and half wished that she hadn't disturbed the girl from her thoughts. It was abundantly clear to her that Sam was in a great deal of pain, despite the almost Oscar winning performance she had put in trying to convince them all that this was far from the case all shift. She couldn't begin to understand why Nick had even allowed Dr Nicholls to work in the first place, given the obvious discomfort she was in, yet despite thinking Sam a little crazy for coming in to the E.D. in the first place given her injuries, Zoe couldn't help but feel impressed by the woman's unwavering determination to carry on regardless.

Zoe knew appearing unfit seemed to be a touchy subject for Sam, a fact she herself had learned to her cost on confronting the girl over being at work earlier in the day. Dr Nicholls' response had been unnecessarily snappy to say the least, but Zoe had forgiven her for the harsh words upon witnessing her subsequent disagreement with Dylan. She wondered if Sam's apparent inability to appear vulnerable in front of anyone was down to her army training and she again considered how much respect she had for her colleague for the role she played out in the warzone. Zoe reflected on how much she loved her creature comforts, having a safe place to call home and that she could kick back with a glass of something sweet in a wine bar of an evening, things she knew Sam rarely would have the opportunity to appreciate, not that in Zoe's opinion Sam appeared to be a wine bar type of girl in any sense.

Zoe watched as her younger colleague gently lowered herself into one of the chairs in the corner, almost expertly covering the grimace that briefly passed across her with a blank expression. She had been watching her with interest throughout the shift, both trying to keep an eye out for her given the abject mess the girl had been in the previous day and also out of a strange sense of curiosity. She knew Sam was very much a private person and appeared, just like Dylan, to be cut off from the majority of the team socially speaking but in her current condition she had practically been the centre of attention all day, a position Zoe predicted hadn't given Dr Nicholls any pleasure at all.

She had overheard Sam's somewhat disparaging dismissals of almost everyone who questioned her fitness with interest, seeing how she interacted with different people and how much of a distance she kept them at. Zoe smiled to herself as she watched the younger woman sitting deep in thought, coffee mug in hand, and realised with some amusement that studying Sam had become quite a habit for her in recent weeks. Her own connection with Dylan had become increasingly strengthened over time and at first she had considered her interest in his wife purely self-serving, a way of getting to know Dr Keogh better. However when she had been crashed out at home the previous night, thoughts of her battered colleague never far from her mind, she had realised that actually she cared about Sam independently of who her husband was and couldn't help but wonder whether the two of them would be able to move past this issue with Dylan and become friends. Zoe was well aware that Nick had offered both Sam and the army the chance to extend her secondment at Holby and a part of her was definitely hoping that Dr Nicholls had accepted the offer, even if it just gave her the chance to extend the olive branch to the girl and regardless of Dylan's opinion on the matter.

Zoe had seen Sam had the capability to be friends with someone through her connection with Dixie and Jeff, the simple act of her allowing them to both comfort her and scald her in equal measure that day without so much as a comeback testament in Zoe's eyes to the fact that Sam obviously knew they cared. She recalled seeing how Sam's entire face had lit up momentarily the previous day when she knew the paramedics would be the ones taking her home and how comfortable she had looked in their company as they had escorted her from the department to their waiting car.

The only other person Zoe ever recalled seeing Sam make any form of effort with was Nick, but she knew there was more to it than the younger doctor just trying to impress her Clinical Lead. Dr Hanna had spied that their relationship was a definite two-way street from a while back, but she had spotted Nick's obvious protective attitude towards the younger doctor throughout the day. She had heard him ordering people around much more than normal and at first she had been intrigued by his overly strict attitude, despite his joking tone, yet she had soon realised that Nick had been somewhat ingeniously engineering the staffing situation in resus both so that Sam had never been left to treat a patient alone, because no doubt she would have tried to take on too much physical strain, but also so that she had been forced to work alongside pretty much every staff member, herself and Dylan excluded.

Zoe recalled being initially perplexed by Nick's reasons for the almost constant resus staff shuffle, but upon watching him work with Dr Nicholls she happened upon him wanting to expose Sam to her colleagues in a controlled setting, rather than allow her to shy away from their friendly concern as a possible reason for his odd behaviour. She had identified that this appeared to be more of a fatherly concern that normal management relations, as if Nick was supervising the social introduction of his vulnerable daughter. In fact, she remembered that it had been Mr Jordan himself who had insisted that she herself took a break from the chaos in the department and ordered her to staffroom, when he must have known Sam would still be present and obviously therefore had wanted her to check up on the battered young woman.

Zoe knew that she would eventually need to tackle Nick over his preferential treatment of Sam, especially before one of the other junior doctors took offence at it. However not only was she not keen on removing Sam's safety net from underneath her quite yet, Zoe also had more pressing concerns of her own to address, most notably being the incredibly obtuse Dr Keogh. She had completely despaired of Dylan ever since the shift had started as he had once again barricaded himself in CDU, refusing to engage with her for anything other than professional discourse.

However Zoe couldn't help but feel grateful that she hadn't been in Tom's shoes that day, because on the few occasions she had witnessed him cross paths with Dr Keogh, Dylan had practically growled at him. Zoe had yet to identify any particular reason why Dr Kent was the object of Dylan's rage, but she felt it had been fortuitous that Tom was a fairly affable guy and therefore had reacted more with amusement than annoyance to the unacceptable level of anger he had received from his colleague.

Zoe recalled watching as most of the team scattered the moment Dylan entered their area of the department; such was the ferocity of his bad attitude. She knew that it stemmed completely from his much earlier animated conversation with his ex-wife, but in truth she had been more concerned about Sam's lack of reaction to Dylan's harsh words than she had been at what he had actually said. Zoe remembered trying to defuse the situation by offering to make them both a drink, but her attempt at extending the hand of friendship and brokering a peace had been swept away by Sam's complete failure to respond. Zoe knew she had tried again to resolve the tension by speaking to Dylan as they made drinks, but she had been well aware that her quiet berating of him for his treatment of his wife had fallen on deaf ears and Dr Keogh had refused to listen to her pleas for him to make an effort to comfort the traumatised woman. Not that Sam would ever have admitted to being traumatised Zoe had been forced to concede.

She knew that it wasn't as if Dylan didn't care about his wife, as it was Zoe had caught him watching her from across the department on a number of occasions throughout the day. He had always positioned himself just out of sight enough that Sam would have been wholly unaware of his presence and if she hadn't thought it would have distressed the younger woman further, Zoe would have been highly tempted to shout out across the department at her that if she just turned around, Dylan was right there for her. As it was, she knew that Sam was obliviously suffering from not having her ex-husband's support, when in actual fact it appeared to Zoe that if anything, Dylan cared too much for his own good. Quite where that left her and her own relationship with the man she had grown to have feelings for, she was yet to ascertain but she knew with a significant degree of certainty that Dylan did still have feelings for his wife.

Across the staffroom, Sam stood up abruptly and Zoe caught the look of horror that filled her eyes as she must have felt a sharp pain at the sudden movement. She watched in silence as the brave young doctor strode over to the kitchen area and placed her cup in the dishwasher. If Zoe hadn't been witness to the state Sam had been in the previous day, she knew it would have been easy to assume that there was nothing wrong with her, a fact which elicited both respect and fear from Zoe about the state of mind of her colleague.

There was no doubt in her mind that Sam was stubborn, a quality that Zoe had come to admire and find endearing in the woman's husband but normally irritated her in Dr Nicholls herself, as she had a tendency to rub her up the wrong way with her unwillingness to relent or follow instructions. However as she watched Sam exit the staffroom without so much as a backward glance, Zoe realised that today it was actually Dylan's behaviour and his complete inability to deal with anything vaguely emotional that annoyed her beyond belief. However it had also proved to just how alike Mr and Mrs Keogh really were, even if they appeared to be in complete blissful ignorance of this. They were both as stubborn as each other, than much was Zoe could be sure of without question.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading as always and reviews will definitely be welcome. <strong>

**The next update is due on Thursday (maybe before!). **

**Thanks, Callie**


	7. The defintion of disconnected

**Thank you to all my reviewers for the last update, it is so lovely to know this fic is building up a following and your support is much appreciated. I'm hoping you are enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it.**

**Here is chapter 7. Enjoy. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of disconnected**

_Disconnected: adjective; having had a connection broken, no longer connected_

Sam Nicholls

Sam exited the cubicle and checked out her reflection in the mirror of the ladies toilets with a degree of disheartenment. She already knew that she was beyond exhausted, the last few days finally beginning to take their toll on her, but the dark circles under her eyes and pale complexion definitely proved that she was no longer doing a very good job at hiding her lack of sleep from the rest of the world. She had calculated that it had now been around a hundred hours since she had been assaulted and she reckoned that she had slept for no longer than ten per cent of that time, a situation she knew was untenable in the long term.

Sam reflected that this wasn't through the lack of trying, because as soon as she had gotten in from work the past few days she had gone straight to bed, mainly because her clothes still felt harsh against her battered skin and it was only when she lay down on her soft mattress that her muscles stopped aching enough for her to breathe freely. She just knew that every time she closed her eyes and let the darkness start to close in around her, her mind was filled with images of her beating and the sound of her bones crunching underneath the hail of blows she had received. The previous night she swore she must have woken up at least five times dripping in sweat and close to having a full blown panic attack and in the end she had decided it was easier not to even turn out the lights anymore so at least when she came round she could see there was no immediate danger.

However Sam knew that it wasn't just a lack of sleep that was tiring her out, but the added complication of actually having to deal with patients and their relatives as a standard part of her job, despite her attack still being so fresh in her memory. She had always prided herself on being fearless, but in the past few days she had become aware of quite how jumpy she now was around the public. She had spent half of this shift in cubicles and every time she had found herself alone with someone in a bay she felt her hackles rise and the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. Mr Jordan had checked up on her a few times and each time she had reassured him that she was fine, which she had known it must have been blatantly apparent was not the case but even despite their recent closeness she wasn't quite ready to own up to the fact that she had been freaked out by both a gobby ten year old and an elderly man with slightly wondering hands.

Sam yanked her hair out of its scraggy pony tail and started to pull it back together in a much tidier style. The end of her shift had not come fast enough for her today; in fact she had been counting down the hours almost from the moment she had arrived that morning. However for the first time in months she was not rushing off home to an empty flat, because initially against her better judgement she had agreed to Tom's request for her to join him and some of their colleagues in the pub for a drink. He had been nagging her to come out with them for months now, but she had always dismissed his idea as laughable given how little she enjoyed socialising with anyone, not least her colleagues. Yet somehow when Tom had asked her that morning, Sam had readily agreed, considering the opportunity to have a few drinks and a laugh away from the confines of the four walls of her flat a much better idea that her usual evening entertainment of mindless television and medical text books.

Zoe had expressed anxiety that she would be drinking on top of her painkillers almost before Sam had even agreed to go out with their colleagues, but she had dismissed her concerns just as quickly as they had been expressed. The truth of the matter was Sam had ceased taking the painkillers Dr Hanna had prescribed the day after her assault and therefore there was no reason a little alcohol would be any cause for concern. She had never been the type of person to take medication unnecessarily, nor to shy away from a bit of discomfort, but she had been forced to admit to herself that if a patient presented to her in her current condition she would have all but ordered them to continue taking the painkillers for at least another two weeks. However Sam had never been good at following orders, which she knew was ironic given her army career, and in spite of the harsh reality of her aching muscles and cracked bones, she actually found the physical pain a soothing distraction from her hellish nightmares and current status as an emotional wreck. She had never been good at dealing with that kind of feeling.

Sam recalled the moment Jeff had given her arm a reassuring squeeze as he left her with a patient and whispered in her ear that him and Dixie were looking forward to buying her a drink in the bar later, before telling her that he hoped she had a good shift. If she hadn't already been slightly looking forward to the night out, the fact that the two paramedics would be in attendance more than would have made up for that. Sam already considered them to be her favourite people to be around in the wider E.D. team and she could only begin to imagine how much of a comedy double act they would make when they had a few drinks inside of them.

However Sam hadn't needed any encouragement to look forward to the night out, as the fact that Tom was organising things had already convinced her she would have a good time. He didn't strike her as that much of a drinker, but in her opinion he seemed like the type to enjoy himself away from his working environment. In the past few days Tom had been nothing but supportive and definitely had her back, in a similar fashion to how she had always gotten on with her army comrades. It had quite surprised her but she was truly enjoying having a friend, someone who was simply just there for her with no complications and didn't want anything particular back in return. With the exception of Dylan, and even then it had been minimal, she couldn't really recall doing the "friends" thing very much in the past few years, yet in the past week alone she had opened up to Mr Jordan and agreed to drinks with Dr Kent. She wasn't exactly sure of herself enough anymore to know whether this was a direct result of her attack, her impending departure to Afghanistan or something else entirely, but she knew there was a reassuring edge to having a couple of people more than normal in her corner.

Sam finished scraping her messy hair back into a more sophisticated style, which she almost felt a sense of pride in achieving given that she was trying to fix it up in the staff toilets with nothing other than her bare hands and one hair bobble. She debated briefly whether to make a real effort and sort her make up too, suddenly feeling unsure as to the dress code for staff drinks, before deciding that at minimum some concealer and foundation to make herself look a bit more alive wouldn't go a miss.

Sam wondered why this kind of thing seemed to come easy to the Linda's and Zoe's of this world, as she guessed they probably never had to think about the make-up and hair requirements of a local pub. Although she was reasonably certain that her ex-husband had never been particularly bothered by her low-maintenance take on appearances, a part of her couldn't help but speculate as to what his thoughts were on Zoe's slightly more high-maintenance approach to life. The first rumour of the day around the department had been that Dr Hanna would not be joining them for drinks as she usually did because she had a dinner date with Dr Keogh, a rumour that she was sure Tom and Nick had been trying to shield her from all day. She considered that they needn't have worried, because although it still stung deeply that Dylan had moved on, that day it just gave her another reason to go out and get drunk. Alcoholic beverages had understandably been a taboo subject for the majority of her marriage, but given the inevitability of their separation she saw little point in abstaining any further. Nonetheless the thought of wine drinker Zoe and tee-total Dylan trying to have a civilised meal together just didn't feel right in her head.

Sam thought back to earlier in the shift when she had been coerced into working with her husband for the first time all week. Mr Jordan had been brilliant to her for the last few days and had kept isolated from Dr Keogh for the sake of everyone's sanity, but that morning it had appeared their Clinical Lead had not been in a great mood and he had insisted she work alongside Dylan in resus for a while whilst he had a meeting with Zoe. The second rumour of the day around the department was that Mr Jordan and Dr Hanna were no longer on speaking terms as a result of their confrontation, but whilst Sam hated seeing her boss so wrung out over something he had made it incredibly clear to her that he did not feel like discussing the argument with anyone.

Sam had found working with Dylan weirdly awkward at first, given that due to him actively avoiding her she had barely even seen him since he had carried her into resus several days ago. However they had exchanged formal pleasantries and her husband had requested an update on her injuries, before they descended into a strangely comfortable silence. They had never been a couple that had relied on words and conversations, so part of her had felt a sense of normality had been restored simply by the fact that they were working in each other's presence.

An unconscious man had been brought into them following a mugging with severe head injuries and defensive wounds to his upper body. Dylan had immediately picked up on his breathlessness and started a chest drain, but it hadn't been until Sam had been wordlessly passing him the various pieces of equipment he required before he even requested them whilst she also focused on treating a very deep wound to the man's arm that she had realised quite how much she missed the good old days of being part of Dr Keogh's team. She knew they had always been able to communicate silently, but that was a skill she thought they had long since lost given the complex status of their personal relationship.

Sam recalled that particular patient waking up highly disorientated and lashing out in her direction in fright. His sudden violent movement had completely thrown her and she had jolted backwards, out of the man's reach and straight into Dylan's protective arms. For the briefest of moments their eyes had met and she felt an intense wave of emotion travel through her, almost akin to an electric shock in strength and she had found herself leaning in towards him for safety.

She remembered that almost as quickly as she had allowed herself to melt into him, she had reassured him that she was fine and then felt a sense of cold disappointment at the loss of contact as he released her from his grasp. If nothing else that short-lived flash of connection had only highlighted to her exactly how disconnected from her husband she had truly become over the past few weeks and it was that very thought that caused her make a decision about what she needed to do, causing her to run to the staffroom to make a phone call.

Sam checked out her reflection again and decided she looked vaguely presentable at best, but that she would have to do. She had just about managed to cover the black circles and added a touch of lip gloss to at least give herself the air of someone about to enjoy herself that night. She grabbed her bag from underneath the sink and made her way back to the staffroom where she found Tom waiting for her.

"I thought you might have chickened out of me you took so long," he said as she entered the room to which she rolled her eyes at him and grabbed her coat from the chair.

"I said I'd come didn't I?" she responded. "Thanks for waiting though," she added, almost as an afterthought.

"Would have even known where you were going if I hadn't?" came Tom's reply and Sam shook her head vigorously, knowing that the drinking establishments of Holby were far from her specialist subject. "Come on, the others have gone on ahead to get the drinks in so let's get out of here."

Sam followed Tom out of the staffroom door and as they left in step with each other, he made an innuendo laden comment about showing her a good time that night, but started laughing before she could berate him for being inappropriate. His laughter was infectious nevertheless so as they walked out into the car park she found herself having a fit of the giggles and she slapped his arm playfully in rebuke. Sam couldn't remember the last time she had really laughed, but given how disconnected she had felt from the only person she had ever cared about for some time now, the fact that she now appeared to have a connection with Tom brought a smile to her face like nothing else had recently.

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><p><span>Dylan Keogh<span>

Dylan watched Dr Nicholls enter the staffroom and start chatting to her male colleague with a sense of resentment at how happy and bright she appeared to be. He considered that it wasn't as if he wanted her to be miserable, but this week had been incredibly long and tiring to the point he felt completely shattered. He couldn't understand how his wife could possibly be in the mood for a date with Dr Kent that evening, but that did indeed appear to be the case. He was not so self-absorbed that he didn't realise Samantha had every right to have moved on, but it felt strange to him that unlike before it hadn't been him she had turned to for comfort and support.

Dylan also considered that he had tried really hard to look out for her these past few days, which he had assumed she would have noticed given how they had always clumsily taken care of each other in the past. However he was pretty certain that Dr Nicholls had been completely oblivious to his concerted efforts to keep her safe from further harm. It meant that she would probably never know he had been siphoning off patients who had appeared challenging or difficult on their arrival, despite hating having to deal with disruptive or argumentative people himself. It had been the only preventative measure he had been able to deduce would reduce the likelihood of her having to deal with confrontational or stroppy individuals, because he had not been able to shake the feeling that she was not as alright as she had insinuated to the entire department.

He had to admit though that he had felt a great deal of satisfaction at channelling these identified troublesome patients to Dr Lyons and Dr Kent when they irritated him too much and he was self-aware enough to know he had deliberately directed the most challenging towards Dr Kent purely to ease his urge to throttle the younger doctor who had made moves on his wife. Dylan could not see what it was about this man specifically that interested Samantha, but the fact that Dr Kent was younger, fitter and more outgoing than him peaked his grouchiness and had caused him to take out his frustration on Dr Kent on more than one occasion already that week.

Dylan had begun to feel that on every occasion he had entered an area of the department he had found Dr's Kent and Nicholls whispering in corners and despite him not having heard any official announcement of their relationship, it had become apparent to him that there was no doubting the two of them now shared a connection. Dylan knew that Dr Kent was nowhere near good enough for his Samantha, but he could see that she always smiled when in his company and given that he himself knew her well enough to know how difficult she found personal relationships, he was well aware how much it must have meant to her to be so close to someone once again.

He recalled all of the times that day that he had misdirected his grumpy attitude out on a colleague or a patient, when it was really his wife that he wanted to have it out with, but despite having been aware of this he hadn't been able to stop sulking for long enough to rationally think through his behaviour. In fact the main thought that had circulated through his mind for the entire shift that day was how much he wished he could have been the one to be holding Samantha when she let her guard down enough to need comforting, despite knowing that this was no longer his right or responsibility.

His mood had been worsened by the fact that not only were the majority of his colleagues actively avoiding him, something he would usually have been grateful for but today was just an annoyance, but that Zoe had also appeared distant from him and had been unwilling to have any meaningful conversation with him. She had made some cryptic remark relating to needing to talk to him that night over dinner, which he had seen had elicited some raised eyebrows from some of the nurses in the vicinity but she had refused to be drawn further on the subject much to his annoyance. Things had been tense between them over the previous few days and Zoe had expressed her displeasure at his reluctance to talk things through with Dr Nicholls following her attack, but he had thought that situation had already been resolved. He had never been comfortable with the idea of talking things through with anyone so whilst he had initially been looking forward to his meal with Dr Hanna this latest turn of events had left him ill at ease, especially as he knew that whilst he was being forced into a serious conversation his wife would be out enjoying herself with Dr Kent.

Dylan remembered the moment earlier that shift when he had first been confronted with the concept of working with Samantha once again, after Mr Jordan had for some unfathomable reason tasked him to keep an eye on both her and resus and they had been left alone to process new critical patients arriving in the department. It had been a testament to how awkward he had felt upon seeing her that it had been he who had made the small talk of formal pleasantries and asking her how she was, which given how little he liked to initiate discussion had felt inherently strange. Conversely Dr Nicholls had been incredibly quiet and barely responded to any of his simple questions, which had worried him slightly as he knew how keen she was on rising to any pointed remarks he threw in her direction on any usual day.

However despite the apparent oddness of the situation they had worked very successfully together in silence and he had been reminded of the days where he had first mentored her and upon becoming irked by her constant inquisitorial discourse had informed her than meaningless chit-chat displeased him greatly. Over the subsequent weeks he recalled that she had learned to work wordlessly alongside him, picking up non-verbal clues as to his requirements of her until their close team work had become instinctive to them both.

He had been jolted out of these happy memories by one particular patient lashing out in their direction which had sent Samantha stumbling backwards in alarm. He had automatically reached out to rescue her and upon dragging her into his arms had seen a fleeting look of abject fear cross her eyes before he felt an overwhelming sense of calm descend over him at being so physically close to her presence. Her reassurance that she was fine and obvious desperation to be out of his grip had hit him like a shock and he had quickly released her from his grasp, a feeling of sadness creeping across him as he watched her recover and then leave resus as soon as she was able.

Dylan now watched as Samantha and Dr Kent exited the staffroom together and began to head out of the department. He hadn't seen her properly since that moment in resus until now and from his study of her appearance he could tell she had fixed up her hair differently to normal, something he knew from experience she never did unless it was for an important event. In any case, she had certainly never sorted her hair so prettily for dinner or a night out with him, not that they had spent much time dating prior to getting married. Moreover as he followed their departure from a discrete distance he could see that she was smiling and watched with dismay as both his wife and Dr Kent descended into fits of giggles and she slapped his arm playfully, in a way Dylan remembered Samantha had done with him at the end of their first shift together in Holby many months previously.

As he stood in the doorway of the E.D. he caught sight of Zoe who was leaning against the wall just outside the department, cigarette in hand and reticent look upon her face. The two of them stood there in an uncomfortable silence and watched their two colleague doctors stroll across the car park, so close he swore their arms must have been touching the entire time. Dylan reflected that he had always known he would one day lose Samantha, but he hadn't thought it would feel like this nor that it would occur right in front of his eyes, where he could see how happy she was without him. Despite the fact that they were long since separated, today it felt to him like their once strong connection had been completely severed, a connection that had seemed so evident to him only hours earlier in resus. That truth alone hurt Dylan more than he would ever care to admit.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading as always and I look forward to hearing your comments as ever.<strong>

**I'm hoping the next chapter will be up on Saturday. Callie x**


	8. The definition of understanding

**Thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing and tweeting me about this fic and the last update. Your support as always is overwhelming and I'm loving hearing on where each of you thinks this story is going. I am really enjoying writing this and I hope you are enjoying reading it too. This update was going to be up before Casualty tonight, but I stayed up half the night writing it so thought I'd give it to you a little earlier than scheduled. Roll on Sam being back on our screens this evening - I've missed her!  
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**Anyway, here is chapter 8. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of understanding**

_Understanding: adjective; sympathetically aware of other people's feelings; tolerate and forgiving, having insight or good judgement_

Sam Nicholls

Sam leant back against the bar and surveyed her work colleagues' drunken antics with amusement. Of all of them, her and her current drinking partner were definitely closest to being sober, but even she had to admit the warm haze that had descended across her proved she was bordering on tipsy, a fact she attributed to recent years of abstinence weakening her alcohol tolerance levels. It had always been her choice not to drink in support of her husband, but for the first time that now seemed an irrelevance although she had to admit that she was slightly concerned if she had any more to drink she might lose whatever inhibitions she had left intact. However the temptation to continue to allow alcohol to numb the pain of her injuries and push fearful thoughts out of her brain had been too great for her to resist thus far.

The thought had crossed her mind more than once as to whether this was how Dylan had felt when confronted with the demon drink in the past, but whilst she definitely still held a deep concern over her husband's drink related issues, she had been determined that this night out was not going to be dominated by thoughts of Dr Keogh. That feeling had recently gained strength from the fact she was well aware that as she even allowed thoughts of him to enter her head it was distinctly possible he was currently engaged in extra-marital activities with Zoe Hanna, a consideration which was almost guaranteed to push her alcohol induced nausea into an actual physical sickness.

Sam reflected on that momentarily as she swigged another mouthful of beer from her bottle and pondered whether Dylan and Zoe's intimate relationship could even be classed as "extra-marital" given that she herself was so far estranged from her husband that they would quite likely be closer when she was soon posted to another continent. She had to concede that as she had been the one to cause the breakdown of her marriage and forced his hand enough to ensure he walked out on her, sparing herself the agony of watching him learn to hate her whilst they still shared the same airspace, she had no right to feel wronged by the fact he was currently occupied with another woman. However it was at times like this she was acutely aware that if she hadn't been such a coward and could have told him the truth she wouldn't have let things spiral so badly out of control that she ended up betraying Dylan's misplaced faith in her in the first place.

She physically shook herself free of that thought, refusing to dwell on the past any further. She would have plenty of time for reflection when she finally escaped Holby, but even with a few bottles of beer inside her she had no intention of breaking down in front of her colleagues. She knew alcohol altered people's moods and she had always been a sombre drunk, but today was supposed to be about looking towards the future, a future that would be free of Holby, Dylan and the seemingly never ending nightmares that had taken hold of her in recent days. However as soon as that thought formed in her mind she picked up the irony in the fact that out of the three things she had cited, she would only actually be happy to be free of one of them.

She recalled that until she had allowed thoughts of Dylan to enter her head, she had been surprised by how much she had enjoyed the evening in the pub. It had been a long time since she had been out socially with anyone, mainly as a consequence of her detachment from everyone except Dr Keogh since they had started dating all those years before but the last few hours had reminded her of care-free student days spent in university bars with fellow trainee medics. She knew she had never been a particularly outgoing person and had never really had what she considered most people would term as close friends, but before she had met the man who had quickly become her husband she had actually enjoyed alcohol fuelled socialising with her peers.

It had been virtually instantaneous that on her arrival at the pub a few hours previously she had felt part of something bigger than herself and the individuals she joined, more like she had become part of a warm family group. In truth she had been slightly disappointed by the limited contact she had been able to have with Tom since their entrance, as they had been reduced to snatches of conversations across other people but she had been intrigued to see how comfortable he was in a social setting. It had been clear to her almost immediately that Dr Kent regularly frequented the pub, given how many people seemed to know him on a first name basis and she had watched with interest as he flitted from group to group, but somehow managed to give everyone the personal one-to-one attention he had already afforded her over the past few days.

However she remembered her focus had shifted away from him and she had found herself drawn into a conversation that had been occurring between Dixie, Jeff, Big Mac and Noel around their table. She had been fairly certain her paramedic colleagues would make room for her in their banter and given how much kindness and concern they had shown her over her time in Holby she had started to allow herself to depend on their presence in her life, however much such a reliance on anyone had always spooked her before now. However Sam knew she had only had the merest of passing contact with the porter and receptionist in her daily existence in the E.D. so she had been pleased to see that they both seemed to appreciate her opinion and equally it had bemused her that they had both sweetly fallen over themselves to get her drinks for most of the night.

The discussion around the table had veered from intensely serious to joking, in a manner than Sam knew was mainly down to the sheer amount of alcoholic beverages that had been consumed. Dixie and Jeff's description of how they had almost kidnapped a gentleman who they believed had been passed out at the railway station, but it transpired had just fallen asleep waiting for the rail replacement bus had definitely gotten them all laughing, particularly when Jeff explained that when the man had awoken as they lifted him onto the trolley it had emerged he had spoken no English and had fled in confusion at nearly being bundled into the back of an ambulance. Sam recalled painting out to them all that things like that could only happen in their workplace and people outside the NHS just wouldn't understand how crazy emergency medicine really was.

The conversation had moved on to their lives before Holby and whilst Sam had managed to remain cagey about the personal complications that had beset her before her own arrival, she had talked about her wartime experiences and had triggered a debate with Big Mac about the hellish things they had both seen over their years in the armed forces. She had found it quite enlightening that she had ended up holding court with her descriptions of Helmand, Camp Bastian and alike because it was something she had consciously never spoken aloud of outside of her unit. Dylan couldn't have been more disinterested if he had tried over the years and although Sam had always been the type to keep her emotions firmly locked down, it had been a bone of contention between them throughout their marriage that she had unquestioningly supported his career decisions, such as his unforeseen deviation into the world of General Practice, but he had not offered her a similar level of unequivocal backing. She had ended up telling them all about the horrific injuries she had treated in Afghanistan and the precarious nature of life out there, in a way that was far more real, harsh and honest and much less about bragging over her action girl status than she was used to disclosing. She couldn't recall at what point it had occurred, but by the time she had finished talking she had been manoeuvred from her chair into the middle of the sofa, where she remained sandwiched between Dixie and Jeff, feeling comforted and safe in equal measure.

Conversely the deep and meaningful conversation topics had been lifted quite considerably by the arrival of Lenny, Linda and a few of the nurse's friends fresh from another bar. Sam had initially been quite confused by the connection between the new arrivals, as having been fairly convinced beforehand that Dr Lyons and Linda had been in a relationship for some time despite usually being quite incapable of spotting such assignations, Lenny had arrived with his arm around one of the other young women and had spent the majority of the evening making bizarre small talk with her, which Sam had only been able to guess was his idea of chatting someone up. When she had been subjected to listening to his cheesy lines, she had barely been able to suppress a chuckle as she considered that this might well be why he appeared to have so little luck with women from the little she knew of his personal life.

If Linda had been bothered by Lenny's flirtation with her friend Sam had not picked up on it because the nurse seemed to have focused in on her instead and had obviously decided that given her slightly tipsy state, Sam may well be more amenable to giving her some gossip. She had to give the woman some credit because she had actually managed to tone down her usual pointed, straight talking nature and asked some very subtle questions, but given how touchy the subject of Dylan was at that moment, Sam had been forced to work quite hard not to rudely tell her to keep her nose out of business that didn't concern her. However she had been a little devious herself in that she recalled using the topic of Mr Jordan and Zoe's apparent falling out to distract Linda from her prying and it had transpired that this was one subject that the nurse had useful information on. From the lengthy chat she had reluctantly become engaged in Sam had established that the two senior doctors dispute had arisen from a personal disagreement over Zoe's relationship with Dylan and that other nurses had informed Linda they had heard shouting coming from Mr Jordan's office before Zoe had stormed out of the department for an hour, something Sam had been previously unaware of.

She turned to face the man himself, who had joined them sometime earlier citing a long and difficult shift as his reason for needing a drink. She had watched him when he first arrived and although he had maintained his central role and position of authority throughout, she had sensed the barriers he had put up between himself and their colleagues, including her. Not for the first time it had struck her that he might be as perplexed and confused by her husband's relationship with Dr Hanna as she was, given the shared history between him and Zoe but whilst he had been a constant support to her in recent days she wasn't sure they were yet at the point where she felt able to offer him her perspective on his personal life. The alcohol content in her bloodstream might have loosened her tongue a little but she knew that tomorrow morning he would still be her boss, well for as long as the army took to send her details of her new posting anyway and she instead made a mental note to have that conversation with him on her last day in the E.D. when any offence he took from her words would have no consequences for her or their positive working relationship.

For the first half an hour after his arrival she could have sworn that he was avoiding her or in the very least avoiding being alone with her, which had thrown her slightly as it seemed to go against his consistent reminders of the last few days that he would be there for her. Yet as she saw him relax into the environment of the pub his sour mood had started to lift and when she had eventually caught him alone, he had half-heartedly questioned that perhaps she might have been sick of his constant presence by her side, something she had instantly shrugged off as nonsensical and had offered him the reassurance that his support was always nothing but welcome.

The two of them had been standing together at the bar ever since, watching the others get increasingly drunk, as ever since Lenny had removed his tongue from where it had taken up residence in the mouth of Linda's friend he had been buying the group shots. Sam recalled the last time she had drunk shots had been at her much resisted hen party, when some girls she barely knew had insisted tequila slammers had been the best way to numb herself into a suitable state to marry the famously grouchy Dr Keogh and she had spent the remainder of the night vomiting her stomach contents out into the ladies toilets. Back then she had been so sure of her marriage to Dylan despite the very vocal opposition they had received from family, colleagues and even the hospital management, yet here she was just a few years later feeling the devastation of a failed marriage at the tender age of twenty six.

"Where did you go?" came Nick's voice next to her, piercing into her rambling thoughts and causing her to realise she hadn't been doing the greatest of jobs of hiding her disquieting emotions as they stood together in silence. "You looked miles away?"

She cocked her head slightly and briefly met his gaze, before looking away. Sam knew that she needed to confide in someone and that given how fragile she was feeling, even before she started drinking, she wouldn't be able to keep this to herself forever. She guessed that of anyone her current companion may well understand and of everyone, he had already seen her at her weakest so it wouldn't damage his opinion of her any further if she opened up and let him in.

"I spoke to a solicitor earlier," she started, turning back to face him in time to see him raise his eyebrows in surprise. "I'm starting divorce proceedings. It's time to let him go. I need to set him free." She looked at Nick expectantly, waiting for him to respond, but rather than speaking she watched as he turned to the barmaid clearing glasses from the bar behind them.

"Can we get the same again please?" he asked, gesturing to the bottle in Sam's grasp and the glass in his own, before he took Sam's hand in his own and squeezed it tightly. That one small act of comfort brought Sam to the edge of tears, his demonstration of understanding her despair at simply saying the words aloud evident in his touch.

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><p><span>Nick Jordan<span>

Nick watched Sam interacting with her colleagues with a mixture of pleasure and concern. He had been incredibly pleased to hear she had agreed to the drinks event in the first place, knowing all too well how much she needed support at that time, but given the bombshell she had dropped on him an hour or so beforehand he couldn't help but be worried that she might end up drunkenly doing or saying something she may well regret. He had been eyeing her drinks with suspicion ever since her return to the table, but so far he had been placated by the fact she appeared to be avoiding the shots in favour of continuing with beer yet he couldn't help but worry about the state of mind of the girl he had come to consider an almost surrogate daughter.

Nick noted with interest that Sam was far from being the only member of his team who was the wrong side of tipsy. The last time he had ventured over to the table he had overheard the level of jokes being told by Jeff, Dixie and Big Mac and had winced at the schoolboy humour, although his own laughter had actually started when Noel's bewildered question indicated he had completely missed the obvious point of the gag. At some point after he had left them to their own devices and returned to the bar he had inwardly cringed upon hearing vague strains of both "Danny Boy" and "Hey Jude" being murdered by tuneless voices coming from their direction. The only saving grace he had managed to come up with was that it was not Christmas and therefore he had not been subjected to his staff badly trying to pull off everything from Slade to The Pogues, well that and the fact that their volume was muted by virtue of the pub not being in possession of a karaoke machine, something for which he would be eternally grateful.

He had quickly established that both Linda and Lenny had managed to go from stone cold sober to completely drunk within a matter of hours and he had realised with significant annoyance that the two of them would be about as useful as chocolate teapots on the next shift given the number of units each had consumed. Nick had been sure that Zoe had told him the two colleagues were in some sort of relationship but unless this was a very open one, their actions that night had caused him to doubt that was indeed the case. Dr Lyons had apparently become surgically attached to the mouth of a nurse from St James' who Linda had apparently introduced him to and she herself seemed more interested in interrogating poor Dr Nicholls that she did in spending time with Lenny.

Nick watched as Tom joined the group from one of his frequent trips to talk to beautiful women at other tables and saw him drop down on the sofa next to Sam, whispering to her and receiving a smile in return. From his vantage point across the room, Nick felt every inch the proud father at the fact she was making friends and he only hoped this would help him convince her to reverse her decision to depart them, but at the same time he made a mental note to sound out Tom's intentions towards his vulnerable colleague. It was people she could rely on and not any complicated or messy romantic entanglements that Sam needed right now and if he could protect her from getting hurt any worse than she already was, then he would. However he was pretty sure that Tom's slightly more touchy-feely and conspiratorial behaviour was a result of his drinking rather than anything else, as he had watched the doctor working the room and his semi-flirtatious behaviour with all concerned just seemed to be an alcohol related extension of the natural charm that had encouraged Nick to offer him a job in the first place.

There was something about watching a group of people you knew well highly under the influence whilst you were close enough to sober to notice the changes to their behaviour that had bemused him that evening. The majority of people that had come out that night were from the harder drinking spectrum of E.D. staff and therefore he had seen them half cut on various occasions over the years, yet it was an entertaining sight to behold half the group singing, beer glasses in hand and swaying slightly, Lenny practically eating his new friend's face and Linda and Tom intently trying to study the cocktail menu through the haze of beer goggles, with only Sam appearing to be a little lost in herself.

Sam also appeared to be suffering from the effects of alcohol a little bit, in that Nick had noticed her neatly tied back hair had begun to come lose and she kept instinctively putting her hand up to push the undone strands behind her ear. However he couldn't help but see that her eyes were bright as she joined in the conversation with Tom and Linda, which given the serious topic she had been discussing with him earlier was almost miraculous in his opinion. He couldn't help but wonder whether she had drunk more than he had noticed or whether she was a brilliant actress, but there was little about her demeanour now that indicated her previous unhappiness and he therefore had taken a little comfort in the assumption that in opening up to him she had reduced the burden she placed on herself enough to give herself some breathing space. Her barriers had certainly dropped a little as her level of alcohol increased, but she had still seemed fairly reserved and Sam-like when they had spoken, so he really didn't see what harm it would do for her to let her hair down and join in the hilarity.

His mind drifted momentarily to Zoe's notable absence from the pub crowd, as she would usually have been the first one at the staffroom door suggesting drinks at the end of the shift. The fact that she had continued to pursue her night out with Dylan despite their earlier words had angered him beyond reproach and it was only for fear of upsetting Sam further that he had not said anything more publicly about the subject.

He had known his meeting with Dr Hanna, called at his insistence to tackle her over the inappropriate and ill-advised nature of her relationship with Dr Keogh, would have been terse given the subject matter, but he had never expected it to be quite so awful. What had started out as a friendly warning from him to her that her recent behaviour was causing fractions within the team and difficulties for Sam especially had been poorly received and had been the catalyst for an argument, the likes of which they had not had since their own separation. They had both said some harsh and uncalled for things, dragging their shared history, previous lies, brain tumours and baby related problems into the present without Nick really understanding why that had occurred.

Zoe had been far more touchy on the subject of Dylan than he had anticipated, which now that he reflected on it from the pub caused him to consider how much the gruff doctor must mean to her, a fact which he knew shouldn't wound him as deeply as it did given all the water under the bridge since their own relationship had ended. However it had been Zoe's snappy responses that had cut him deepest, like when she had questioned his overt devotion to Sam in favour of the other doctors within the E.D., something that had played on his mind when he had next seen the girl and had caused him to keep his distance from her initially, until she had all but cornered him over his behaviour.

Zoe had also questioned why he was so bothered about her relationship with Dylan, because he had never seemed that bothered by other couplings within the department, even when they had impinged on patients and work, such as the obvious tension that had occurred between Adam and first Jessica and then Kirsty. Her vociferous claims that he was doing this out of jealousy or spite over her having moved on, rather than out of any sense of loyalty to the team had touched a very raw nerve but his response that he was doing it to protect both her and Sam from harm had been every bit as much his true intentions.

The conversation had undoubtedly been awkward and incredibly heated, but it had been when he had pointed out her previous history of taking a wrecking ball to someone else's marriage, her affair with Jessica's husband being a prime example, despite knowing that these circumstances were completely different that she had taken real offence and flown off the handle. Nick knew he had always been able to push her buttons very successfully, but her pointed remarks about his unhealthy interest in Dr Nicholls had caused him to snap and he couldn't begin to imagine how uncomfortable it would be to work alongside her knowing some of the toxic comments they had directed towards each other in that horrendous argument. He could only hope that their shared history would be enough to get them through this bad patch, but he knew that they were both as pig headed and stubborn as each other. The fact that Zoe had carried on with her dinner date with Dylan regardless of the impact Nick had told her it was having on Sam, just the same way that he had spent the majority of his evening alone comforting the younger doctor despite Zoe's warning not be seen favouring her publicly proved to him that they were both still on completely different pages. In fact, he considered that if he took that metaphor to its logical conclusion currently him and Sam were in a completely different book to Dylan and Zoe, never mind being anywhere close to being in agreement with each other.

He recalled the moment Sam had told him she was seeing a solicitor and would be initiating divorce proceedings against her husband with so much sadness, because she had looked so desolate at the thought of where her life had ended up. He had taken her over to another table and they had stayed deep in conversation for some time until he felt the girl was probably feeling overwhelmed by all the talking she had just engaged in. She had innocently queried the ease and speed for obtaining a divorce, obviously never having considered that one day she would be in this position and Nick had tried to answer her the best he could, sharing a little bit of his own personal experiences and history with her for the first time. It was clear to him that she wanted to get proceedings underway before her return to Afghanistan and that she wished to make things as clean, simple and pain free for both Dylan and herself as possible, a route he advised he definitely agreed with if she was definitely sure she wished to pursue this course of action.

It had saddened him to hear her say that they had no shared assets from their marriage and it troubled him further that she said she had no assets of her own to share with Dylan, not even savings of any significance. He hadn't been able to shake the feeling that Sam had never had a future planned out for herself and her transient way of life, moving from secondment to posting to secondment, seemed to be her way of coping with the lack of any consistency in her own life since her separation. He had listened as she referenced the three assets she was aware Dylan owned, being a houseboat, a car and a dog, but her insistence that she would not stake any claim on these as Dylan had already given her more than enough had intrigued him. That comment plus that her stated justification for the divorce being her own unreasonable behaviour both warranted further investigation in his opinion, but he had felt it was best not to push her too far at that moment given how bereft she was at the situation she found herself in.

His mind had gone into overtime upon seeing her absentmindedly scratch her arm and he had gently probed into whether it was likely her stitches would be remaining firmly in her arm that night. The redness that spread across her face had immediately indicated her embarrassment at being caught out, but she had hurriedly reassured him that it was a one off borne from the frustration of not being in control of things at that point in time. Nick couldn't help but still query her ability to cope, given that her skittish behaviour around patients was a very visible demonstration of how far away from being back to normal she really was following her assault. Yet despite his fatherly berating of Sam for her possible self-harming behaviour she had guaranteed him that her decision to initiate the divorce had actually given her back some control over her own life and therefore she was far from being in such a dark place.

He wasn't sure exactly what his intentions had been when he had instructed Dylan to work with Sam earlier that day, but pushing her into making this particular decision had not been on the list of possible consequences he had considered. It was apparent from the way she spoke about Dr Keogh that she still loved Dylan a great deal, but she had been adamant in her ascertain that it would be the right thing to do to set him free and allow him to make a new life, even if that was with Zoe.

If Nick hadn't previously considered how alike they were before, he knew he would have picked up on it now as his own thoughts drifted back to his own failed marriage to Karen. He fully accepted responsibility for the breakdown of that relationship, but he had never wanted to divorce her because he had still loved her and he knew there would always be a place in his heart for that particular woman. However in the end it was because he still loved her that he had eventually conceded to give her the divorce and allow her to move on without him. He had left Holby pretty sharpish at that point and put significant distance between himself and the feelings he hoped he had left behind in a flash, but unfortunately he could still recall all the times when those feelings had come rushing back and reminded him of all that he had lost.

Nick glanced back at Sam before turning back to the bar and indicating to the barmaid to pour him another whisky. It was startlingly apparent to him that Dr Nicholls was following in his footsteps in divorcing someone she loved to set them free and he knew that she too was running away, with it being unfortunate that her place to run to just happened to be a warzone on the other side of the world. He couldn't help but wonder whether she realised that her heartbreak at losing Dylan would still be with her out there, but as he downed the newly refilled glass in one he reflected that what he did know was that he understood Sam much more than she had yet to realise and it was that understanding that meant he did not want her to repeat the same mistakes he had already made.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it and feedback is always welcome.<strong>

**The next update should be up in a couple of days. Callie **


	9. The definition of passionate

**Thank you as ever for the lovely comments, both on here and on twitter. Your kind words always give me a smile. Extra special thanks to Anny, Meggi, Ficmouse and Freya for your in depth reviews and to Melissa, Becky and Eilish for your twitter support!**

**Here is chapter 9. **

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><p><strong>T<strong>**o look out for you**

**The definition of passionate**

_Passionate: adjective; having, showing, or caused by strong feelings or beliefs_

Zoe Hanna

Zoe sat down on the sofa, placing the wine glass and half empty bottle on the table to her side and curling her legs up underneath her. She had never been the type of person to feel uncomfortable easily, but sitting in silence wasn't a speciality of hers either yet Dylan appeared so lost in thought that she felt it would be inappropriate to disturb him. She stifled a yawn, reluctantly conceding to herself that it had been an incredibly long day, actually an incredibly long week. From the moment Sam had been injured Zoe had known they were all in for a difficult time, as it was never easy to watch one of your own being hurt however looking back on the week she realised that it was Dylan and not his wife who had actually been causing her the most stress.

She picked up the glass of wine and downed the remaining mouthful before refilling it once again from the bottle. She had been planning this evening ever since the day of Sam's attack, having already booked the table at her favourite restaurant before her younger colleague had been injured with a view to finally sorting out where she stood with Dr Keogh. The fact that now the night was drawing to a close and she was still no closer to establishing how she felt about the whole situation was seriously beginning to get under her skin, never mind the fact that her dinner companion had barely acknowledged her existence in the last few hours. Zoe knew she had been involved in messy and complicated relationships in the past, but despite what she appreciated other people thought about her right now all that concerned her was that even she didn't know what she wanted anymore.

She went to take a further swig from her newly topped up glass, but as she bought the drink to her lips and the sweet, fruity smell of the wine wafted up to her nose she suddenly realised that this was one problem a bottle of vino couldn't solve for her, a thought which brought a slight disparaging smile to her face. She sighed as she put the glass back down on the table, pondering over what the best course of action to take would now be. Zoe admitted she wasn't keen on having another one-sided conversation with her silent counterpart, nor did she fancy provoking an argument with him over his behaviour that evening, because she had had enough rowing to last a lifetime on that particular day. In truth all she actually wanted to do was to get some sleep and shut thoughts of Dylan, Sam and Nick out of her head for a few hours, but given that she knew two of those individuals were out getting drunk together and the other had taken up residence on her sofa, she couldn't see how that would be happening anytime soon.

Zoe felt her stomach rumble and recalled without fondness the earlier meal she had not managed to eat with Dylan. "Carlotta's" had been her favourite restaurant for as long as she had been in Holby, the Italian restaurant and wine bar being a haunt she frequented regularly both as a single lady and as part of a couple. She recalled that Nick had previously taken her there when they had been together and although she wouldn't have described him as the most romantic of souls, those dinners had been vastly preferable to the difficult evening she had just spent there with Dylan.

She knew it was unfair that she was unfavourably comparing Dr Keogh to Nick Jordan, given that they were such different specimens of men yet somehow they had come to share a great deal of commonality in recent times, an entanglement with both herself and Sam being the two similarities that instantaneously sprang to her mind. If she didn't like Dr Nicholls quite so much herself, Zoe knew that she would be beginning to get a complex at the amount of time the men in her life seemed to spend either running round after the younger girl or actively avoiding her, yet she couldn't bring herself to lay the blame for that squarely at Sam's door.

She recalled the concerned looks of the faces of the restaurant staff as Dylan had rapidly, and somewhat rudely, left her sitting alone at the table, storming out on her in much the same way she had walked out on Nick half a day before. Thinking back she remembered that she had briefly considered relocating her meal with Dylan to her flat when she realised quite how much they would have to talk about, but she had concluded, wrongly as it transpired, that he would be more likely to communicate with her in more civilised manner if they were eating together in a public place. She was unsure quite why she had ever come to that particular conclusion, given that she already knew exactly how belligerent and dismissive he could be when dealing with people having watched his interactions with colleagues and patients at work.

Zoe guessed she had assumed that when they were in a one-to-one setting he would actually want to talk to her and that if pushed he was capable of having a conversation about he felt, but the fact he had fled the restaurant the moment things had become difficult indicated otherwise. She couldn't begin to comprehend how he had managed to sustain any sort of relationship with his wife, let alone had actually married Sam in the first place, given that he seemed totally unable to express any sort of emotion or face up to any problem, but then she considered the younger girl didn't seem to be much better at dealing with her own issues either.

As it was Zoe recalled they had stayed on the relatively safe discussion topics of patient care and an upcoming E.D. inspection whilst they waited for the starters and she had been sure to have a glass or two of wine to take the edge of her nerves at the conversation she was about to start with her grumpy dinner date. She did not need reminding of the look of horror that had overtaken his face as she had confronted him over what she now believed to be the truth, in that he was still in love with his ex-wife and questioned where that left the two of them and their own relationship.

Dylan's abject dismissal of her statement had not been a surprise, but when she had cited his treatment of Dr Nicholls since her attack and the extremely jealous behaviour he had been directing towards Tom, the atmosphere at their table had swiftly deteriorated. Zoe had been keen to make it clear to him that she had not wanted to get involved, but she was no longer prepared to stand back and wait for him to decide what, or more accurately who, it was he wanted. They had just been finishing the starters when Dylan had shut down the conversation completely and through a barely controlled rage had informed her that there was nothing for them to discuss. The stress of the day had gotten to her by that point and she had all but shouted at him that if he couldn't tell her where they stood she was going to leave, because she was beginning to fall for him and she wasn't prepared to pursue someone who still loved someone else.

She still hadn't shaken the image of his dark, unreadable expression on hearing her finally admit something she had thought would have been obvious to him for months now and whilst she had never been sure how he was going to react when she laid her heart on the line she hadn't considered that he wouldn't have reacted at all. He had been the one that had been trying to speak to her all day and when she had given him the opportunity to talk he had refused to even acknowledge the very valid points she had raised.

It had only been when she muttered "No wonder she left you if this is how you treated her," that she finally got any sort of response from him, in that he noisily pushed his chair back and walked out of the restaurant leaving her alone at their table for two just as their main meals arrived from the kitchen. By the time she had apologised for the disruption, paid for the meals and finally made it outside she had been hungry, angry and mortified in equal measures, but had not been in the least surprised by Dylan's complete disappearance from the street. She guessed that it had never even crossed his mind to make sure she got home okay.

Zoe recalled that she had walked the short distance home hurriedly, still smarting from his obvious rejection of her in the restaurant. She had wanted to know where she stood but whilst Dylan had failed to answer that question, or any other for that matter, it was quite apparent to her that whilst she had been falling for him he had never considered that the two of them could have a romantic relationship. She knew that she had handled the whole situation incredibly badly but she had known this was one conversation that she had needed to have with Dylan before things had gotten any more serious.

However until earlier that day Zoe had not anticipated Nick would all but force her hand to get it all out in the open in one go, the simple fact that he had irreparably damaged their own friendship to help Sam still weighing heavily on her mind. She reflected on their earlier argument with a significant degree of sadness, because whilst she had never intended to become sandwiched in the middle of the Keogh marriage, Nick's assured belief that she was chasing a married man without a thought for the consequences for any of them had hurt her greatly. Zoe had considered he would have known her better than that, given all they themselves had been through in recent years, but he had cited her previous messy relationship with Sean as a prime example of how she had a history of this behaviour and angered her greatly by suggesting that she was responsible, albeit only partly, for the distressed state Dr Nicholls was in.

Their subsequent argument had been as cruel as it was passionate and she recalled with despair some of the awful things they had said to each other. To be honest, as she looked back she couldn't help but wonder whether the reason for this was actually that rather than dealing with their own deceit surrounding the baby and Nick's illness they had buried it with their separation and now with an excuse to have the most almighty argument they both had had the perfect reason to bring all their unresolved past issues back to the fore. However even with that excuse Zoe was sure that this was one fight that would take some time to move past, given the incredibly harsh and spiteful tone in which they had both spoken to the other. She knew she had landed some verbal blows as well as receiving them, most notably her pointed remark about Nick's unhealthy and somewhat obsessive possession of Sam, which she saw had wounded him deeply. However it had been the way he had managed to look so desperately disappointed in her for having feelings for Dylan that had touched a raw nerve and whilst she had argued with him that far from looking out for her and Sam he was actually jealous, she sadly knew that this was far from the case and it had been the apparent distance that now lay bare between them that had hurt her the most.

She recalled that she had stormed out, partly because she had no longer been able to stand the feeling that she had somehow let him down and partially because she was so angry at his words she was no longer able to think straight enough to come up with a suitable retort. She had smoked nearly an entire box of cigarettes as she strode off down the road to calm herself down enough to return to the E.D. and if it hadn't been for Dylan's stalking of Sam and Tom down the corridors of the department as they left for the pub that night, she knew she might have remained stable enough not to provoke a row with Dr Keogh at dinner. Instead Nick's references of her past fresh in her mind she had demanded answers from a man she knew found it difficult to communicate emotionally and had set off a chain of events that left her more confused than ever.

She turned to watch Dylan sitting beside her on the sofa and wondered why he had turned up at her place at all, given how badly things had ended up between them at the restaurant. Zoe had returned home full of intentions to satisfy her appetite with beans on toast and a bottle of wine, but had barely removed the cork and grabbed a glass when the doorbell had gone and she had opened the door in surprise to see her dinner date standing there, not looking any less grumpy than he had last time she had seen him.

They had been sitting in a hushed silence almost ever since his arrival and whilst she was grateful for his presence it had not helped resolve any of the outstanding issues from their meal. Zoe had to admit that she believed Dylan should still be with his wife, just from the little ways they interacted and how their behaviour towards each other proved that they both obviously still cared. Nonetheless she knew that everyone else, Sam included, seemed to think that she was already seeing Dylan and despite how much she did wish that was indeed the case, she had actually done very little to move that situation forward herself. She knew that this was a decision Dylan himself needed to make and she felt she owed it to Sam, as well as her own sanity, to step back and give him time to think through what should happened next. It just pained Zoe that because of Dr Keogh's unwillingness to talk through the situation, she still didn't really know whether there was even anything more than a spark between the two of them, something that would indicate to her that she should consider sticking around to wait for him to make up his mind or whether she would be better off walking away and sparing herself the agony of watching him making the inevitable decision that he wanted to be with Sam.

Upon realising she had been sitting staring at her companion for some time, Zoe grabbed the wine glass and half-drunk bottle from the table and made her way to the kitchen, tipping the contents of both down the sink. As she braced herself against the sink, wine clouding her mind slightly and making the room spin, her mind drifted and she wondered what Dylan would ever have done if she had kissed him, her mind buzzing with regret that it was now unlikely she would ever know what it would be like to be with this man.

A noise from behind her caused her to spin round and she saw Dylan had joined her in the kitchen, a determined expression written all over his face. Within a matter of moments he had moved to be directly in front of her and reached his hand up to her face, tipping her chin upwards slightly so they made direct eye contact. Zoe felt a shiver ripple down her spine at the intensity of the look but barely moved as Dylan leaned in and kissed her, their lips fleetingly meeting. She reached up and pushed him back slightly, eyeing him with a degree of confusion, but as their gaze met again physical instinct took over and she pulled him back towards her, deepening the kiss. Her head span at the long-awaited contact with Dylan, but despite knowing how wrong this was given his still unresolved feelings for Sam, she reflected the kiss had been at his initiation and as he was sober, he didn't even have the excuse of alcohol to fall back on.

Zoe's mind went blank as she pushed all her doubts aside and allowed him to lean her back against the kitchen sideboard, where the two of them stood locked together in a passionate embrace, before she reached down and took his hand, leading him out of the kitchen and along the hall towards her bedroom.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam dropped don on the sofa at her flat and rubbed her tired eyes, trying not to give in to the exhaustion she had been feeling for days. The long alcohol fuelled evening had been somewhat of an eye opener to her and she smiled to herself at the reality of the fact she now had people in her life she could actually consider to be friends. For that reason alone she was incredibly grateful that Tom had persuaded her to join them in the first place and she hoped that her coming last few weeks in Holby would be all the better for having people in her life she could have a laugh with.

The number of people around their table had dwindled as the evening had gone on, with the various pairs and groupings each eventually calling it a night. Noel and Big Mac had been the first to depart if she recalled correctly, with them both wishing her a speedy recovery from her injuries and Big Mac informing her that they would need to catch up over a drink at some point in the future to talk through their shared experiences further, something she found she was looking forward to in spite of herself.

Dixie and Jeff had left not long after the two of them, both privately checking with her that she was okay to stay and equally able to get herself home safely before they made tracks. Sam had recognised their surprise at her being the one to initiate farewell hugs to them before they went left the pub, but she had assured them that she was genuinely grateful to them both for their support that night. She could only assume that it was her own tipsy state that had caused her to relax her personal rules on lack of physical contact enough to draw them both into a tight embrace, but she had been left smiling at Jeff's insistence that he would see his "Princess" in the morning. There was just something about the two paramedics that always brought her a sense of happiness that they were in her life and in truth she would knew she would really miss them and their hilarious banter when she got her posting back to Helmand.

However Sam recalled with amusement that it hadn't just been the two of them that had caused her to laugh that evening. Linda had eventually given up trying to elicit any gossip from her and had instead turned her flirtatious attention to Tom, an act which had obviously massively annoyed Lenny as he had caused a huge scene when he thought his colleague was going to be departing with Nurse Andrews. His declaration of interest in Linda had caused the girl Dr Lyons had been kissing all evening to slap him, throw a drink over his head and flee the pub loudly cursing both him and Linda, but the fact he appeared to have suffered to get her back seemed to have warmed the nurse to Lenny's charms and the last time Sam had seen them both they were stumbling into a taxi together outside the pub, locked so closely together it was difficult to tell they were still two people. The whole event had given her the giggles, which had obviously been quite unexpected to Tom and Mr Jordan, who had ended up laughing alongside her as she barely held back tears triggered for once by pleasure and not fear or devastation.

Before any of that had occurred Sam had found herself having an incredibly intense discussion with her Clinical Lead, who had insisted on her calling him Nick outside of work despite the fact that she found that incredibly strange. He had confided in her a great deal about the ex-wife he walked away from to spare her the pain of being tied to him for any longer, giving Sam the perspective she needed to know that she was making the right decision to resolve her marriage with Dylan before her impending departure. Nick had offered her advice on the best way to proceed, talked her through her options and had appeared genuinely surprised that she was citing her own unreasonable behaviour as the justification of the divorce.

Sam couldn't help but wonder whether everyone who had met her and Dylan had incorrectly perceived that due to his gruff and grumpy exterior it was he who had caused the breakdown of their marriage and she wondered if that would bother him if he knew. She was well aware that any blame that required apportioning for what happened definitely lay at her feet, as not only had she been the one to stray but she had also been the catalyst that had sent both of their lives spiralling out of control in the first place. She was sure that Dylan wouldn't want the world to know the full truth about the reasons behind their separation any more than she did, as he would see it as a gross invasion of his privacy, but she would definitely have to correct the assumption that the responsibility for the mess they were sat with him. Sam knew that she would be escaping the intense gaze of their colleagues soon enough anyway and therefore it would matter little to her what story she chose to give, only that it spared Dylan's feelings and kept the real reasons behind what had occurred behind closed doors where they belonged.

She had felt quite sad at listing the very minimal number of assets that had been accrued through the length of her marriage, but when Nick had pointed out to her she would be entitled to half the houseboat, car and even Dervla, she had almost choked on her mouthful of beer. Sam had known that legally speaking they should share everything, but it wasn't as if she had anything of her own to divide and there was nothing in her that would ever be convinced separating Dylan from his dog, or forcing him to buy her out of his car and houseboat would be a good idea. The army would provide her with accommodation whilst she was in Afghanistan regardless, so it wasn't as if she was about to be made homeless and in truth, if she was going to start over in a different part of the UK without Dylan on her return she would rather do this without his hard earned money burning a hole in her pocket.

Mr Jordan had also passed comment about her previous attempts to remove her own stitches, querying whether her state of mind was such that she was likely to repeat the apparent act of self-harm and causing her to feel incredibly self-conscious under his view. She remembered assuring him that she was rational enough not to replicate the injury again, but was not entirely sure she had been particularly convincing. Sam had never considered her actions deliberate, but she was certain that if Nick ever had cause to speak to Dylan about the self-inflicted damage to her wound, her husband would be guaranteed to fill him in on some of her more erratic previous behaviour and she knew that there were a few misdemeanours in her past that weren't exactly easy to explain away as accidental incidents.

Nick had eventually decided to leave, but not before he engaged Tom in an intense debate out of her earshot. Upon his return Dr Kent had informed her that he was under strict instructions to ensure she got home safely in one piece and whilst she had initially considered protesting about her ability to take care of herself, she knew that her current battered state completely belied that fact and in any case, she had quite been enjoying the company of her colleague.

The two of them had stayed in the bar for a little while longer after the others had departed, before they had exited together and made the short walk out of town towards her flat. The cold air had hit her face and sobered her up considerably in moments, which she was incredibly grateful for as she knew the early start the next morning for work would be a killer if she went to bed still drunk.

Tom had kept the conversation from the pub going along their walk, with snippets of stories about previous patients and consultants he had worked under filtering through her hazy mind, but the main thought still circling her head was that Dylan and Zoe would probably have had an excellent night together by that point and be curled up asleep by that time of night. She decided it was the irrational, semi-drunken part of her mind that hoped they were at Zoe's flat rather than her husband's boat, somehow supposing that it hurt just that little bit less if she didn't have to consider Dr Hanna sleeping in the bed that she herself used to share with Dylan or the idea of her colleague bonding with Dervla over breakfast the next morning. Sam knew she had no reason to be annoyed at her husband's behaviour, because he had every right to have moved on with Dr Hanna given everything that had gone before, yet the fact that it was occurring right underneath her nose with apparently little thought for her feelings felt like an incredibly large slap in the face.

However now that she was back in her poky little flat, with its still packed up possessions and very few home comforts, she accepted that she was doing the right thing in setting Dylan free to make his own choices once again. She recognised the determination inside herself to put the state of her marriage right before she received her posting, but it did concern her how she would be able to communicate any of this to her husband without breaking down in front of him. She very much doubted that Dylan would offer her any comfort upon announcing her intention to seek a divorce, but a small part of her still held out hope that he would support her decision to return to Helmand and that he would accompany her to the base on her departure date to wave her off, just as he had done every time before in spite of the tattered state of their relationship on the last of those occasions. She could only begin to wonder what Zoe would make of that turn of events.

The hand that extended in front of her with a steaming hot mug of coffee in its grasp pulled her gently out of her thoughts and she gingerly took the warm cup, turning round it her hands so that she had hold of the handle. Tom settled down on the sofa beside her and she watched as he inquisitively studied her living room with interest. Sam recalled that she hadn't anticipated inviting her drinking partner in for coffee until they had arrived at her front door, but he had willingly accepted citing that he had promised to ensure she was safe and well before he left as his reason. She would usually have been too embarrassed by the state of her sparse flat to allow anyone in, having not received a single visitor since she had arrived in Holby over six months previously, bar Dylan on one occasion, yet in the last week she had now hosted Dixie, Jeff and Tom whilst in various degrees of pain or alcohol induced numbness and therefore the lack of possessions seemed fairly irrelevant to proceedings.

"You know," Tom mused unexpectedly, causing her to face him with a start, "This is the first time a girl has invited me in for coffee and I've actually ended up having coffee." They both descended into a fit of giggles once again at that statement and Sam took preventative action, placing her coffee mug on the floor beside the chair, trying not to spill it down her as she laughed.

"Well I'm not most girls," Sam spoke quietly when she finally got herself under control and met his gaze, her head suddenly buzzing with a feeling she could not quash despite knowing how insane it would be to act on it.

"Indeed you're not," Tom responded, cocking his head slightly to one side and looking at her questioningly. "Are you alright Sam? You look a bit pale."

She couldn't bring herself to do anything but nod in response to his remark, but slid herself across the sofa slightly towards him and felt herself impulsively remove the mug from his hands and place it on the carpet next to hers. She nuzzled her face into his neck and on feeling no negative reaction from him in response to her touch, she tilted her head up and brought her lips to rest on his in the briefest of kisses.

She pulled back, feeling momentarily vulnerable and exposed, but regardless of the nagging doubt in the back of her mind, Sam initiated another kiss, much deeper and zealous in nature. Her hands instinctively came to rest around the back of his head, pulling him closer and she felt his strong arms wrap around her, holding her tightly against him. As their tongues wrestled with each other, Sam manoeuvred them both so that Tom's weight began to push her back into the seat of her sofa and as his body began to lie down atop hers, she grabbed at the hemline of his shirt pulling it upwards. Their lips separated for a matter of seconds as she removed Tom's shirt from over his head and as their mouths crashed back together, her fingers began to undo her own shirt buttons in between their chests and all thoughts of everything that had gone before were pushed from her mind as she gave herself up totally to the passionate connection she was sharing with this man.

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><p><strong>Please forgive me! <strong>

**I hope you enjoyed reading, I did warn you things would actually get a lot more complicated!**

**Reviews as always are welcome and the next part should be up on Tuesday. Callie x**


	10. The definition of regret

**Well this is up slightly earlier than anticipated. I would like to say thank you to all those who are following and reviewing this fic, it is making me very happy to have so much support. Extra special thanks to Anny and Meggi - love you!**

**I hope this update helps make up for chapter 9 and I would like to thank you all for not hating what I did to Sam and Dylan in that part!**

**Here is chapter 10.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of regret**

_Regret: verb; feel sad, repentant or disappointed over something that one has done or failed to do_

Sam Nicholls

Sam stood with her hands submerged in warm, soapy water at the kitchen sink washing the plates, cups, cutlery and various cooking implements that recently been used for breakfast. She put the first dinner plate down on the side to dry and reached back into the bowl, momentarily confused as she pulled out a second plate. She reminisced that it had been an incredibly long time since she had done two people's washing up, the last occasion being that very difficult morning before her preceding tour of duty when she had spent the night sharing Dylan's bed despite the fact that she no longer occupied his heart.

Sam rolled her shoulders back and stretched out her aching muscles as she continued to rinse the dishes. Her wounded body still felt stiff and she had a niggling hangover induced headache, but she felt in surprisingly good shape given her alcohol consumption the previous night, the unexpected fry up managing to settle her stomach enough to prevent nausea from making an unwelcome reappearance. Her waking thought on stirring from an unbelievably good night's sleep had been that she felt safe for the first time since her assault, in fact she had slept more in that one night that she had done any day since her injuries had been sustained, remarkably without a single nightmare. She had been able to hear Tom clattering about in her kitchen for a short time, but it had eventually gone quiet and she had assumed he had departed for work.

She recalled feeling assured that she could finally brave the kitchen and make herself a much needed coffee, so had pulled her big fluffy dressing gown on and yanked it tightly around her for comfort before heading out of her bedroom and down the hall. She brought to mind that mortifying moment where she had entered the living room and had come face to face with her house guest, instantaneously looking directly at the floor, face reddening in embarrassment and wishing the ground would swallow her whole. It wasn't as if she hadn't considered that she would actually see Tom again, given that they worked in the same department it would be unavoidable, but she had hoped it wouldn't be whilst she still looked incredibly rough and hadn't downed her morning caffeine fix.

Memories of the night before still burned fresh in her mind and she found herself thinking, not for the first time, how grateful she was that Tom was such a lovely guy and that he wasn't holding it against her that she had made such an exceedingly clumsy pass at him the night before. She had been distinctly out of practice in passionate encounters, her last such foray being over a year previous and had been responsible for the devastation that had been caused to her marriage. Dylan had never been one for such recklessly amorous behaviour himself either but the connection between them been so incredibly deep that despite the lack of romance in their day to day lives, the intensity of their time alone together had more than made up for that. Even just the slightest reminder of those days caused her to yet again regret how badly her marriage had ended and exactly how much she had lost along the way.

In fact the only occasion Sam recalled ever making out with someone in such a fashion it had been her twenty first birthday and she had been so drunk she barely recalled her crazy actions the following day. That had been the last time she had been with anyone before Dylan, which she realised with a sense of despondency meant she had only actually kissed four people in the past five years, and had barely managed to sustain one relationship from any of that. If she had ever wanted to move on from Dylan, which she doubted would ever be the case, she was well aware her poor track record with men made it highly unlikely she would ever settle down with anyone else in the future.

She had been desperately trying not to think about that awful moment in the small hours of the night when Tom had pulled away from her and called a halt to the rapidly escalating proceedings that had been occurring on her sofa. They had been all over each other and a sense of hazy desperation had descended over her mind as she continued to pull her companion closer in towards her. She had managed to squash her feelings for Dylan down deeply inside her, despite him apparently trying to fill her every conscious thought, but it had been the aggravating discomfort of her injured muscles that had caused her to tense up in spite of the moment. Tom had lifted his head from hers and looked at her questioningly as they both lay there barely clothed and breathing heavily, before drawing himself up into a seated position and pulling her into a hug.

His bare skin had felt alien against hers and in spite of the comfort he had obviously intended to provide her, the rejection she had felt had hurt enough to bring tears to her eyes and caused her to hastily grab her clothes and flee the room, slamming her bedroom door behind her. Tom had knocked on her door a few moments later and tried to extend the hand of friendship, but through the rapidly strengthening sobs she had dismissed him outright and instead her guest had retreated back to the relative safety of the sofa, informing her as he did so that he would spend the night there in case she wanted to talk.

Sam recalled that she had paced back and forth across her small bedroom repeatedly for about half an hour, trying to calm herself down and quell the erratic thoughts that were spinning through her confused mind. Several times her fingers had instinctively travelled to the slowly healing stitches on her arm, but on each occasion she had been just strong enough to pull her hand away before she caused herself any further harm, Nick's earlier words echoing inside her head the entire time. She hadn't been able to believe that she had just all but pounced on Tom, purely as an act of drunken retaliation at her husband's dinner date with Zoe. She knew herself well enough to know it wasn't Dr Kent she actually wanted to be with, more that she had needed to feel something for someone once again and that she had wanted to feel wanted, in a way no one bar Dylan had ever truly demonstrated to her. The fact that in order to make herself feel better she had used her colleague and come extremely close to manipulating him into her bed just added a sad sense of guilt to the long list of awful feelings that had been dominating her brain in recent weeks, an emotion she was well versed in given her own previous fling back in a time where Dylan would still have referred to her as his wife.

Just seeing Tom standing there in her living room in the same clothes she had quickly removed from him the night before had both filled her with regret and caused her to feel incredibly mortified. She had never been used to laying herself open in front of other people, but Tom had seen her at her worst and most vulnerable moment the previous night, never mind the fact that the last time they had locked eyes on each other she had been practically naked and the memory of his hands on her body still filled every corner of her brain.

Sam recalled that they had sat there in an awkward semi-silence for what had felt like forever, making brief small talk about the antics of their colleagues the night before, until her companion had apologised for taking advantage of her drunken state and questioned whether she was okay given that she had fled so rapidly from the room last time he had seen her. She had been horrified that he had felt the need to apologise, given that it had been Sam herself who had initiated the whole disaster in the first place, but when he carefully referenced the obvious injuries he had seen underneath her clothes as a cause for concern she hadn't been sure whether it hurt more that he had rejected her in the first place or that she had been so incredibly stupid as to jeopardise such a potentially good friendship with her actions.

She had listened with interest as Tom had informed her that he hadn't put a stop to their liaison because he hadn't wanted it, but rather that he had known she still had feelings for Dylan and wasn't prepared to be second best nor get caught in the crossfire between her and her husband. She remembered making it clear to him that she had known she had used him to make herself feel better and had asked for his forgiveness, but he had pointed out that he was actually quite flattered and joked that things like that didn't happen to him every day. She recalled teasing him about how the young nurses swooned over him every time he walked through the E.D. and he had remarked that he was more interested in the yummy mummies who brought their little darlings into paediatrics if he was honest, sending them both into fits of giggles at his reasoning for choosing his medical specialism.

It had been as he rummaged through her fridge and she had unpacked a box of kitchen implements she had barely used just so that they could make a fry up that she had finally relented and informed him she was divorcing her husband and on seeing the pity cross his face, she had finally articulated the thought that had been stuck in her mind since their earlier conversation, that she wasn't prepared to be second best to anyone either. She knew it wasn't fair on her or Dylan for them to continue like this, especially as she had so completely made an idiot of herself with her breakfast guest purely to punish her ex-husband for moving on.

Tom appeared back in the kitchen as she finished the remaining washing up and dried her hands on the towel and he threw her the jacket she had dumped on the armchair when they had returned to her flat some hours beforehand.

"You ready to go?" he asked, his voice uncertain and she nodded, still not quite able to look him in the eye. "You do realise," he continued, "that if we arrive together people might talk?"

Sam considered the implication of that statement for a moment and reflected on what the gossip mongers of the E.D. would make of her walking into the department with Dr Kent, still dressed in the clothes he had been wearing the night before and both of them looking slightly dishevelled and less than their best given the state they had gotten themselves into at the pub. She didn't like being the centre of attention any more than Dylan did but in truth the only person whose opinion she ever worried about had no reason to be bothered by idle chit chat about her any longer.

"It doesn't bother me," she answered, shrugging her shoulders dismissively. "Let them think what they like."

Tom met her gaze with a grin. "I won't tell if you won't," he responded. "It will do wonders for my credibility if they think I managed to somehow end up with you."

Sam laughed at the thought of Dr Lyons and alike interrogating Tom about their night together and she carefully pulled on her jacket, wincing slightly as she forced her still sore and swollen arms into the coat.

"Just don't go making up any stories eh?" Tom added to his earlier comment. "I'd quite like to keep my air of mystery if you don't mind."

Sam batted his arm light-heartedly and shook her head in mock annoyance, before grabbing her bag and leading him down the stairs to her front door. As they reached the bottom she noticed an envelope on the door mat, which given the still early hour she assumed would have been delivered the day before and therefore she must have walked straight over it when she had come in last night. Post had been a rarity for her since her arrival in Holby as with the exception of the utility bills that arrived like clockwork each month no one else had ever had just cause to want to write to her.

Tom paused in the doorway as she bent down to pick up the letter, which was adorned with an instantly recognisable post mark. She ripped it open without thinking and studied the contents, inadvertently gasping as she realised the significance of the subject matter and tightly screwing her eyes up to shut out the world around her.

"Bad news?" Tom asked, pulling her from her trance like state.

Sam opened her eyes and passed him over the letter, studying his face as he took in the substance of the document.

"I have to report back to base in three weeks," she spoke, her tone hushed and serious. "Three weeks and I'm out of here." She noticed Tom's stunned expression and how tightly he was clutching the piece of paper, almost as if he was scared that if he let go of it he might actually have to respond to the words it contained.

"Tom, this is a good thing," she said, this time with a more determined edge to her voice. "I want to go back, I need to go back. This is what I'm trained to do."

"Will we ever see you again?" he asked, staring at her intently and she met his gaze for a moment, as a look of horror inexplicably fell across her colleague's face. "I didn't mean like that," he quickly added. "I know you'll be fine out there, I just meant will you be coming back to Holby when you get back?"

"No," Sam responded quickly, adamant that she would never be returning to Dylan's part of the world ever again. "I'll probably get seconded somewhere else, which given that I'll be divorced by then will be for the best. It's awkward enough now; can you imagine how hard it would be then?"

She made sure to give Tom a half smile, trying to reassure him that she was genuinely alright with the circumstances she found herself in despite the looming date of her departure coming as an incredible shock to her. She had always known the army was capable of moving fast when it was required to, but even she hadn't anticipated that when she made herself available for a new posting they would take her up on the offer quite so quickly. She had a matter of weeks to sort things out with Dylan and get their divorce moving on enough that by the time she returned he would be completely free of any ties to her.

"You do realise we will have to do drinks again?" Tom's voice came from beside her and she realised he had been speaking to her the entire time she had been lost in thoughts of her husband. "If you're leaving I mean?" he added and she nodded in response.

"I guess we could do that," she said smiling. "But don't mention it to anyone yet, there are a few people I need to tell myself first."

"Of course," Tom replied, a slightly joking manner to his voice. "But next time, I'm not coming in for coffee you know; no matter how much you try to persuade me." Sam raised her eyebrows at him, unsure of where that statement was leading. "Well if I'm never going to see you again and you are really divorcing this husband of yours, I might not be able to resist your advances next time round."

Sam rolled her eyes at him, "You're something else, you really are! Come on, we're going to be late." She bundled Tom out the front door and pulled it shut behind her, before the two of them started the short walk to work together.

As they walked along and she listened to Tom's extraordinarily bad jokes, trying to stifle the merest hint of a smile that appeared on her face at the worst of them, Sam couldn't help but let her thoughts drift to what she was going to say to people at work about her posting. She knew that if she had been initially wounded by Tom's rejection of her the previous night, it would be nothing to how bad she was going to feel when her husband didn't react to hearing of her upcoming departure. There was no other feeling she knew that was quite as bad as the rejection she had felt from Dylan in the past. It was a good job she had slept well that night because there was no doubt today was going to be an exceptionally long shift.

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><p><span>Dylan Keogh<span>

Dylan sat on the sofa in the unusually empty staffroom sipping at the boiling mug of coffee that was warming his hands and enjoying the silence of having his own space for a while. Since his arrival he had only seen staff from the nearly concluded shift and had been working on the assumption that he had the place to himself because of the staff drinks the previous night, causing him to dread what a terrible state his colleagues would be in when they finally sauntered into work.

The door opened and he looked up to see Zoe briskly walk in, failing to acknowledge his existence and heading straight for her locker. He went to speak but he was unable to find any suitable words and from her demeanour, he gathered that she was having similar difficulties which he was well aware from his knowledge of this particular woman was not a usual occurrence for her. The awkward tension that had descended on the room since her entrance was all encompassing and Dylan couldn't help but wonder whether it would be as apparent to their colleagues as it was to him that he and Zoe were no longer on the best of terms. He had always found it difficult to read or understand people, women especially, with the exclusion of Samantha for the duration of their marriage at any rate. Yet it was beyond obvious that Dr Hanna was having some degree of difficulty in facing him that morning and he knew without doubt that it was his behaviour that was responsible for her stubborn refusal to meet his gaze.

He stifled a yawn as it dawned on him quite how tired he was, the stress of the past week finally taking its toll on his body and mind. Dylan recalled returning to his boat in the small hours of the morning and taking Dervla for a much needed walk through the darkness, stretching her legs and clearing his mind simultaneously. When he had gotten back to the boat he had crashed out on the sofa and managed to grab a maximum of a couple of hours of fitful sleep for the remainder of the night, thoughts of both the women in his life dominating his mind and disturbing his usually peaceful slumber.

Dylan was very confused by the previous night's events, not least the part whereby he had initiated an encounter with Zoe. He knew that it was highly unusual for him to be the one that did the running in any relationship, mainly because he had always been baffled by the conventions of liaisons with the opposite gender, something he was sure his wife would testify to if asked. He could count on one hand the number of occasions he had instigated anything romantic with Samantha, especially if he discounted their engagement and wedding night.

He still wasn't actually sure why he had followed Zoe into the kitchen and kissed her, especially considering it had been her who had put thoughts of his wife into this mind but he was certain that his companion had responded to his advances, despite the fact that just hours earlier she had been the one telling him he still had feelings for her younger colleague. Dr Hanna had thrown him completely when she had interrupted her tirade in the restaurant about his supposed feelings for Dr Nicholls to inform him that he was the object of her own affections, but whilst he had not wanted to admit to her that he was muddled by the turn of events he had been stunned by her declaration. Dylan knew he was barely able to manage friendship, never mind anything more emotionally intense than that and he had actually found himself vaguely disappointed that Zoe had complicated their own relationship by adding a romantic dimension. Although he never would have admitted it to her, Samantha or anyone else for that matter, he had truly been looking forward to having the support of simple companionship with someone who accepted him and his grumpy nature without judgement.

He brought to mind the moment he had kissed Zoe and whilst it had been her he had been looking at, it was his wife's responsive touch that had been on his mind. Samantha had always had this annoying habit of filling his head and refusing to leave his thoughts at the most inappropriate moments and with her very presence dominating the room, kissing Zoe had felt incredibly wrong, like they were two puzzle pieces that didn't fit together but somehow had become connected regardless. Dylan knew he never felt like that when he was with his wife and wondered whether when Sam had told him all those months before that she had not gotten anything from her fling with a fellow soldier, she had felt something similar to the strange emotion that he had at that moment.

He recalled that it had most definitely been Zoe who had taken their liaison to the next level, but he knew he had been just as willing a participant in proceedings as he struggled to push coherent thoughts from his mind. Their intimate association had been over almost as quickly as it had started and it had been in the moments immediately afterwards that Dylan had felt the gulf between them opening. He realised with a significant degree of regret that he had managed to compromise any remaining semblance of friendship that had remained between him and the woman lying beside him, which had led very quickly to his departure from the bed and her flat.

He remembered that neither of them had even tried to make eye contact as he left and that lack of inclination to engage definitely appeared to have carried forward to this morning if Zoe's positioning of herself, back towards him as she made herself a coffee, was any indication of where they now stood with each other. Her behaviour the night before still shocked him, as he could not understand why she had allowed things to escalate so far knowing full well he had feelings for Samantha, but he was aware enough to be sure that he had been the one who should have called a halt to proceedings the moment his thoughts had drifted away from the woman he had actually been personally involved with at that moment.

If he was honest with himself the entire evening had been a disaster and if he could have gone back to change how events had panned out he would do without hesitation. Dylan knew he had refused point blank to listen to any of Zoe's thoughts on the subject of where he stood with his wife, despite knowing that what she was saying was incredibly sensible. He felt a sense of shame at how he had embarrassed them both with his swift and abrupt exit from the restaurant, but the statement his dinner companion had made about the separation from his wife being triggered by his treatment of Samantha had angered him so greatly he had curiously been unable to control his emotions. He considered that everyone would assume she had been the one to leave him, rather than the actual occurrence of him walking out on her, as given that the general perception of him appeared to be gruff and unreasonable most people probably assumed Dr Nicholls had reached the end of her tether with both him and their marriage. Whilst he knew that this was not the entire story, he definitely felt responsible for the breakdown of their union as from the little enlightenment he had garnered from his wife over the past year he was aware he had been at fault for failing to offer her enough understanding and support, leading her to seek solace elsewhere.

On leaving the restaurant he had roamed the street deep in thought, neither wanting to go back to his house boat nor willing to seek out Samantha to argue out their current status with her. He recalled instinctively heading to Zoe's with the sole intention of apologising to her for his unacceptable level of rudeness, in spite of the fact it was rare for him to seek forgiveness for such behaviour in any circumstances. However upon entering her flat and being confronted with her questioning glare his desire to open up to her about the situation they all found themselves in had rapidly ebbed away.

The woman currently still ignoring him as they both drank from their coffee mugs had understood him better than he had previously given her credit for. He might have been able to issue an abject dismissal of her when she had confronted him over his feelings for his wife, but he was mindful that despite Samantha's destruction of their marriage he had never lost the automatic reaction the beautiful woman had generated in him every time she walked into a room. He had perceived Zoe's open challenge to him to deny his interest in his wife as an ill-advised ambush, but the moment the words had escaped his dinner date's lips Dylan had known they were indeed correct and he had been forced to face up to the deeply buried knowledge that he was still in love with Samantha. That truth was something he knew he was far from being ready to admit to anyone, the incredibly determined and feisty object of those feelings included, but even admitting it to himself had been a significant step forward for him given his lack of experience in emotional declarations.

He watched Zoe finish the last dregs of her coffee and start rinsing her mug in the washbowl, reminding him of when he had entered the kitchen and found her draining the remaining wine down her sink late the previous night. Dylan had been incredibly grateful to her for that act, as the sweet smell of the wine combined with his jumbled thoughts had caused him for the first time since his separation to consider drinking once again. He had managed to maintain his composure in the face of that temptation, knowing that alcohol would only have added to the confusing situation he had found himself in, but the simple act of considering a drink had forced him to reflect back on his past.

Dylan's mind had been thrown back to the one time Samantha had really needed him and it had been the drink that had initially prevented him from being the support she had so desperately required. Nonetheless his memories prompted the recollection that it had been the consequences of that experience that had compelled him to renounce alcohol completely so that he was able to protect the woman from further harm. It was a great source of horror for him that yet again Dr Nicholls had been put at risk and wounded in his presence, but the fact that it wasn't him that she had turned to in this instance had hurt him more than he cared to mention.

He had never been the jealous type in the past, mainly because he had never been emotionally invested enough in anyone or anything to care enough, but on every occasion that he allowed his wife's relationship with Dr Kent to enter his head he found himself unable to manage his own attitude towards the man.

"I think we should just forget last night ever happened," the female voice from across the room interrupted his thinking and he glanced up at her.

"Yes," he responded tersely. "That would be best."

He saw Zoe raise her eyebrows at his curt answer, but he had very little else to add to the statement and was content to allow the awkward silence to fall back on the room.

"You do know Sam and Tom aren't together don't you?" Zoe spoke again, apparently now able to read his mind and answer a question he had actually not finished forming in his head. "Just forget about that and for the sake of my sanity if nothing else, talk to her Dylan. If you two don't clear the air this whole situation is just going to get worse and it won't just be you and her that suffer."

He considered her comments and unexpectedly found that there was a lot of truth in her words, but before he could respond to acknowledge her words they were interrupted by the door opening and the two subjects of their conversation entered the staffroom. He instantaneously recognised that his wife looked much more relaxed than she had done in recent days and also that her male counterpart was wearing exact same clothes he had been dressed in the previous day, therefore obviously having yet to make it back to his own home overnight.

The two entrants stopped dead in the doorway and all four of them remained stationary for a second, with Dylan noticing an exchange of glances between Dr's Hanna and Kent as Samantha busied herself staring at the carpet.

"Awkward," Tom said aloud, provoking his wife to look up and meet the gaze of all those in the room, himself included, who were now staring at her intently.

"Indeed," Dylan heard her respond, her gaze fixed firmly on him before making fleeting eye contact with her companion and then heading straight to her locker, focused exclusively on that and not giving him a second glance.

He studied her momentarily as she intently rootled through the belongings strewn in her locker, before her apparent lack of interest in the remaining parties in the room felt incredibly dismissive towards him and he felt an overwhelming need to exit the room. He hurriedly exited through the very door she had just entered, almost knocking Dr Kent over in his haste and without even acknowledging the half-finished conversation with Zoe that had been invalidated by the arrival of Samantha and her confidante.

Dylan headed straight for the relative safety of CDU with the sole intention of occupying his mind with a case that would test his deductive skills to the limit. He had found the last months working with his wife incredibly difficult to bear, not only with her invading his professional working space but also that her presence had forced him to reconsider their history together. However the demands of that challenge were nothing in comparison to the crushing rejection he felt at knowing that as he was finally ready to accept he was still in love with Samantha, the woman herself had been moving on with a younger colleague who was obviously far more suited to her than he had ever been.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading and I would very welcome reviews. Feedback makes me happy :)<strong>

**I'm hoping to have the next part up in a couple of days. Callie x**


	11. The definition of damaged

**Hello everyone. So firstly let me start with a massive apology. I seriously never meant to leave it 9 days before updating, so thank you to everyone who is still prepared to stick with this fic. I blame the delay on me having a really bad last week, which I didn't want to take out on poor Sam - so I took it out on Dylan in my new fic instead. Oops.**

**Anyway, in case you have forgotten here is a brief recap of events before this update: It is the morning after a very bizarre night before, where Zoe and Dylan crossed a line, but Sam and Tom did not. We now have various couplings and friendships either thrown together or torn apart and most people have a reason to not be on speaking terms with a number of their colleagues. Oh and Sam is leaving in three weeks, but no one except Tom knows that yet.**

**Therefore welcome back to a very difficult shift in the life of Holby City E.D. - this chapter is purely from Sam's point of view, as she had a lot she wanted me to say. **

**Here is chapter 11 - I hope you enjoy it. And thank you once again. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of damaged**

_Damaged: verb; inflict harm on (something) so as to impair its value, usefulness, or normal function, have a detrimental effect on_

Sam Nicholls

Sam found herself sitting in the now familiar setting of Mr Jordan's office for the third time in a matter of a week and couldn't help but wonder why she seemed to be spending such an inordinate amount of her life in this particular room recently. She knew that it was no great hardship to spend time with her Clinical Lead, in fact given the state the department was in that day it was vastly preferable to any other available option, but that did not stop her feeling strange at the realisation she had been summonsed here on more occasions in these past days than she had been in the entirety of her spell at Holby prior to that.

However that awareness was tempered with her newly acquired knowledge that said time at this particular E.D. was rapidly coming to an end and that a mere matter of weeks from now she would be leaving behind the department, colleagues and dare she even consider it, but friends too, for the challenge of a further tour of duty in a place that felt a million miles away from somewhere that had suddenly begun to feel like it could have become her home if only she had decided to give it a chance many months before.

Sam was certain that when she was stuck out in the hellish environment that would be her base for at minimum half a year there would be more about Holby City that she would miss than she had ever previously considered. She had also found herself looking at her fellow medics through different eyes since the start of the days shift, wondering what each of them would make of her imminent departure and whether they would be relieved, disappointed or ambivalent to the news. She recalled with a wry smile that it had greatly helped her deliberations that her colleagues had for the most part not been buzzing around her or creating the usual amount of meaningless chatter that she had grown accustomed to, with the majority seemingly still suffering from the shared sensation of a fiendishly prickly and painful hangover.

Sam remembered that it had not taken long before the impact of the previous night's drinking and escapades had impacted on the working of their team, as she had watched Mr Jordan struggle to assign roles to staff whilst apparently wary of pairing up anyone who had recently had either a dispute or an assignation, be that event public or in secret, well as much these things could be with colleagues like Linda on the prowl for gossip that was. The disarray the drunken night out had left the department in was unlike anything Sam could recollect experiencing since her medical student days, when such behaviour had been commonplace. She could only assume that spending so much of her past few years in warzones, where alcohol consumption was strictly prohibited and therefore undertaken firmly in secret moderation, had dimmed her memory of how wild nights out with a team of medics could be.

She thought back to a moment early on in her shift when her favourite ever friendly paramedics had stormed through the ambulance bay doors and called out about their first patient of the day, a very fragrant homeless man with all the obvious physical ailments that she had learned to associate with those that slept rough. Sam had been incredibly surprised by how jovial they both had been, given how many units of alcohol they had both consumed in the drinking session but it had appeared to her that these had had little effect on the only other husband and wife pair in the department. She remembered sharing a joke with Dixie over their shared tired eyes that morning, hoping that this was the only outward sign of the night before they were both displaying to the world and the older woman had told her how pleased her and Jeff had been that she had finally joined them out on a staff night out.

It had been when Dixie had left to book the patient in that Jeff had approached Sam, querying if his "Princess" was feeling ok and reacting with mock surprise when she responded with a smile and indicated that she was astonishingly not feeling the after effects of a hangover. He had whispered in her ear conspiratorially that Dixie had been quite unwell that morning before work but had thought he was unaware of this so therefore he intended to spend the remainder of the shift being as loud and jolly as possible to drive her slightly crazy despite feeling worse for wear himself. Sam recalled that the two of them had actually shared a joke at that point about the difficulties of working with a spouse and she had been amazed that despite everything else that was going on in her life at that moment the paramedic had been able to make her laugh at the comparison between his situation and the mess of her own marriage. Even thinking about how odd it was that neither of the two marital duos within the team were quite what they seemed made her consider that it wasn't just her own circumstances that were ill-fated and she realised, not for the first time, that most of the time no-one really knew what was going on behind someone else's closed doors, a statement that would certainly have been true for the entire duration of her relationship with Dylan.

Sam remembered that on Dixie's return she had informed the pair of paramedics that she wanted to arrange to have drinks with them again soon, but had neglected to mention that the night would be her chance to say goodbye rather than a cause for celebration. She knew they would be two people she would find it difficult to walk away from, as since her very first day in Holby they had been incredibly supportive of her and as yet had never failed to offer a welcoming hand of friendship and a comforting sugary doughnut when required.

The outward cheerfulness of Dixie and Jeff had definitely been at odds with how Sam had perceived some of her other colleagues that day. She recalled catching Noel with his head in his hands behind the reception desk, suffering at the hands of a piercing hangover and had found herself sympathising with him for having to manage the manically busy reception area and deal with waiting bad-tempered patients and relatives in his state. She had heard Mr Jordan shout in irritation in his direction more than once and had caught the receptionist jumping sharply, before retracting quickly in pain at the sudden movement. The sarcastic comments she had heard coming from Big Mac about Noel's lack of ability to hold his drink had amused her greatly given the ex-military man who had been talking up his own alcohol related history the previous night had been incredibly stroppy and short with her and anyone else who had asked him to do anything beyond the basic responsibilities of his role that day, obviously suffering ill-effects himself.

Sam had found herself considering at one point that working in the E.D. that day was not unlike a situation where a union had ordered work to rule industrial action, as nearly every staff member had been reluctant through alcohol induced illness or colleague related disputes to do little more than the bare minimum their job dictated and she had pitied any time-wasting patients who may have come across anyone's path that day for the short shrift they would receive. However Big Mac's sharp attitude towards her had not stopped her from reminding him of their agreement to have a further night out to discuss military experiences and they had agreed to ensure this happened the following week, with Sam having known at the back of her mind that her available time was extremely restricted before she departed.

She remembered thinking it unfortunate that both Tess and Charlie were tied up in a trust nursing coordination meeting all morning when she had overheard that piece of information, but she had seen Mr Jordan blanch considerably at the news that he only had minimal nursing cover. It had quickly become apparent to all those present, herself included, that the two junior nurses were no longer on speaking terms either with Scarlett and Lloyd distancing themselves from each other instantly on arrival for reasons she had overheard Linda informing Lenny were due to Lloyd being far too overprotective over the female following her witnessing the recent assault in the department. As she sat in the office now Sam couldn't help but wonder if this was something else that she was responsible for, at least partially, given how little she had followed up with the girl following their conversation earlier in the week and she guiltily considered the damage her behaviour and actions seemed to be having on those around her, something Sam realised was fast becoming a bit of a pattern with her.

As it was she had watched with interest as all of them had finally been assigned areas of the department to work in, with herself, Tom and Scarlett sent to cubicles, Zoe and Linda dispatched to resus and the unfortunate Lenny and Lloyd shipped off to where Sam had been well aware one Dr Dylan Keogh had already taken up residence for the day following his storming out of the staffroom. She had been pleased to work alongside Dr Kent and Nurse Conway, considering that of all of the people that could have been selected to work alongside her these were the two she would have chosen for herself and she had briefly wondered if the slight soft spot her Clinical Lead seemed to have for her and his expressed wish for her to change her mind about not taking up the offer of a longer secondment had led him to give her preferential treatment over the others.

Sam had watched Dr Lyons and Nurse Asike head off towards CDU with trepidation, wondering if they considered their upcoming shift with the grumpiest of E.D. doctors punishment for their recent behaviour, Lenny for his late arrival whilst obviously still under the influence and Lloyd for his apparent annoyance of sweet little Scarlett. However she had felt pity for them nonetheless as having experienced Dylan's dark moods and grouchy demeanour at first hand on more occasions than she ever cared to remember she had known they were in for a difficult shift.

Through the early part of the working day her mind had also wondered in the direction of resus and a small, slightly masochistic, part of herself contemplated the conversation topics that had been available to Dr Hanna and Nurse Andrews who had been alone together for some time. Sam had known from Linda's raised eyebrows at her when they had all been gathered around with Mr Jordan that the nurse had already heard the gossip about her early morning arrival with Tom, which hadn't been unanticipated but the thought of Linda discussing that particular indiscretion with Zoe and filling her in on the drunken silliness of the night before filled Sam with dread. She hadn't been able to shake the image from her head of Zoe and Dylan curled up together that very evening and Zoe filling Sam's husband in on all the apparent gory details that Nurse Andrews had found herself misinformed with.

Sam had regretted the implication her and Tom had given of their night together almost the moment they had arrived together in the E.D. and caused Dylan to walk out of the staffroom, although she had still to ascertain quite why he had reacted so strongly other than the embarrassment he may have felt at her apparent public relationship, given his own tendency to keep things incredibly private. There had been one moment where she had considered seeking him out to tell him that nothing had occurred between her and their colleague to try and make amends for whatever damage she had caused, despite being a tiny bit irritated that he would feel slighted in the first place given his own relationship with Dr Hanna. However upon finishing up with a patient and heading in the direction of CDU she had seen Zoe and Linda in close conversation in the corridor, before the doctor had entered Dylan's department and through the window Sam had seen them talking earnestly.

Until that point she had believed, wrongly she now realised, that her husband had not only been avoiding her and Tom, but also his current partner, having noted an apparent tension in the air at the point when she had made her ill-advised entrance with Dr Kent first thing that morning. It had been the seconds after Dylan had hastily exited that she thought she had noticed that not only did Zoe seem annoyed at the interruption to their conversation but also that she looked incredibly sad, something that Sam had not seen Dr Hanna appear to be before. She had presumed that the two of them had been having an argument of sorts but the intensity of the exchange she had later witnessed between them, despite not actually being able to hear the words, had clarified for her that this was far from the case and the two doctors were from her perspective closer than ever. She had felt a wave of disappointment wash over her at that thought, something she chastised herself for feeling as she knew that not only did she have no right to wish the couple trouble in their relationship, her imminent departure meant she should actually have been pleased that she was able to leave Dylan behind knowing he would be happy and taken care of by someone he loved in her absence.

She recalled that she had returned to cubicles and immediately taken on another few patients to busy herself, whilst also trying to offer the bereft looking Scarlett comfort by praising her for the exemplary effort she was making in her work that day. That one comment had been enough to bring visible tears to the young nurse's eyes and Sam had found herself sending the girl off to get them both a coffee, purely to give her a break from dealing with people and she remembered the thankful look Scarlett had shot her at the chance to escape from the mayhem for a while.

That had been the unfortunate moment Linda had chosen to arrive from resus, which had unusually but incredibly luckily given the lack of competent staff had lain empty for the majority of the shift, to offer a hand to her colleagues in cubicles. Sam had found very quickly that the nurse was as shattered from her previous night's activities as she was gossip hungry and rather than be a help her presence had quickly become a hindrance. However Nurse Andrews had provided one useful piece of insight, in so much as like she had been the one to alert Sam to Mr Jordan and Zoe's falling out the previous evening, she had referenced that Dr Hanna had returned to the upstairs office rather than come to cubicles to lend a hand. Linda had pointedly wondered aloud who exactly it was Zoe was avoiding and whether her short journey upstairs would be enough to send Mr Jordan back down into the department to get away from her.

Sam had found herself engaged in listening to the woman, mainly out of concern for her Clinical Lead given his reluctance to talk to her about his falling out with Dr Hanna the night before, but she had been annoyed that Linda had immediately seized upon this to start interrogating her about her night with Tom. Sam had been pleasantly surprised to see that despite her late arrival with Dr Lyons, Linda had seemed far more awake and far less worse for wear than her male counterpart, but on seeing how expertly the nurse had spent the morning flitting from area to area and chatting to all concerned she guessed that her alertness was down to a mixture of increased alcohol tolerance from far too many nights on the town and the gossip opportunity she saw in Sam's apparent liaison with Tom and Mr Jordan's falling out with Zoe.

Sam had known the entire department was talking behind her back about what they believed she had done the previous evening, but she had not been at all shocked that Linda had been the one to ask her outright how she rated the experience, having expected that comment from either her or Lenny. It had only been Tom's own arrival behind her, grabbing hold of Sam around the waist in a way both of them knew was meant jokingly but Linda would perceive as flirtation and scoring his own performance as ten out of ten that had saved her from having to deal with the nurse. She recalled that as the two of them had laughed on watching her depart Tom had apologised if he had overstepped the mark, but she had remarked that the look of sheer elation on Nurse Andrews face as she scurried off to share the information with Dr Lyons had been well worth it. She had only hoped that Dylan would not be open to listening to the idle chit-chat he normally closed his ears to, as she knew that her out of character behaviour may rub salt in a wound he appeared to have over this non-existent relationship.

Mr Jordan had arrived in cubicles only a few seconds later, almost on schedule if Linda's predictions that he and Zoe couldn't bear to be in the same room together were correct. She had felt Tom step away from her as soon as their boss made his presence in the area known, which had caused her to look at him in confusion but he had just winked at her as he went back to his patients and she had then been distracted by the return of Scarlett, coffee in hand and smiling a little more than she had been shortly before.

Sam had caught her Clinical Lead's attention a while later and had asked to speak to him privately, which she knew would have immediately grabbed his attention. She had not wanted to make a big deal out of giving him her notice of departure but she had been well aware that if she didn't say it aloud soon she would never actually go through with it, each passing moment in the E.D. making it more difficult for her to seriously consider departing even given Dylan's abject detachment from her. Mr Jordan had sent her up to his office, telling her that he would be right behind her and she had headed off, stopping only briefly in the staffroom to pick up the letter she had received that morning.

It had been upon reaching the office and touching the handle that she had seen Zoe sitting inside, with it having slipped her mind that she had been informed not that long before that this was where Dr Hanna had headed. She recalled that she had entered regardless and informed the senior doctor of her upcoming meeting with Mr Jordan in that very space. The two of them had sat in silence as Sam had settled herself on the comfortable chair that seemed to have become her own personal space in the past week and Zoe logged off from the computer, apparently keen to leave before the expected return of their colleague.

Sam had watched Zoe with interest as she had appeared to want to speak, but had failed to find the words to do so. She remembered telling the woman that if she had something to say, she wished she would just come out and say it, covering up her anxiety at what she was about to hear with a false sense of confidence she only hoped Zoe was unable to see through. She had known instantly upon hearing the words that Dr Hanna's comment about other people's relationships not always being what they appeared to be had been a sharp reference to her faked dalliance with Tom and she had snapped back that what she got up to in her own time was not Zoe's business, nor was it anything to do with Dylan, regardless of whether he was still technically still her husband. She had seen a peculiar look cross Dr Hanna's face at that statement, but she had then hurriedly left before Sam had been able to examine her further.

It had only been when she had been left alone that it hit her quite how much it hurt that Zoe was in a relationship with Dylan and sharing confidences with him, especially where those secrets concerned her. She had been worried that it was Dr Keogh who would have been mortified by her own presumed actions, but now she found herself feeling humiliated under his partner's gaze by the fact that there had been no such activities in the first place. However she had felt the need to keep her strength and not let her emotions get the better of her on this occasion, particularly since she was about to start announcing to the world that she would be returning to active military service and the horrors of war far too soon to give herself time to break down completely first.

She was still sitting thinking back through the events of the day and trying to keep a lid on how she was feeling when Mr Jordan had finally arrived from downstairs. It had begun to cross her mind in the moments before his entrance quite how much her head was pounding and as she met his inquisitive look with the best smile she could manage, she wondered quite when her hangover had turned into a headache or whether this particular pain was more likely stress induced.

"I just wanted to say thank you for everything," she started, realising how child-like she and breakable she felt under his gaze. She had previously established that he had this unnerving ability to see right through her defences and she longed to be sure that he could not see that it would only take one more thing to smash her entire world apart.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say?" Mr Jordan responded, his tone concerned and his face filled with a frown.

"You've really been there for me," she continued, hearing the determination come through in her own voice at wanting to ensure she managed to say her pre-prepared words out loud. "It's been a tough week and you know better than anyone that I've been feeling a little fragile."

"From last night's alcohol?" he questioned with a smile. "Or because of Dylan?" he asked much more seriously.

Sam looked down at the ground and chose not to answer that particular statement. On gathering her thoughts she looked back up at his familiar form and realised quite how much she was going to miss this man, someone who in such a short space of time had come to represent everything she had ever wanted but never before had in a father.

"I got my posting date," she said quietly, taking her time with each individual word as they suddenly felt alien to her tongue. "Please remember this is what I want," she added, seeing his shock at the news. "I need to do this, I want to do this," she continued, unsure if that declaration had been meant to convince him or herself.

"I leave three weeks today," she finished reluctantly and in that moment of seeing devastation fill Mr Jordan's face she knew that leaving this E.D. behind was going to be a hell of a lot harder than she had ever considered, because despite everything that had occurred in recent weeks it turned out that this was the one place she felt a little less broken, even as she felt herself becoming more damaged every single day.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading and I so grateful to everyone for being incredibly patient for the update. Reviews will be very welcome indeed. <strong>

**I should have the next chapter, which will be Sam/Nick, up in a couple of days. Callie x**


	12. The definition of delicate

**Apologies for once again having a delay in updating this chapter, but it has been a very long week. I hope the bumper, extra-long update makes up for the long time you've had to wait. Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, especially Anny, Meggi and Ficmouse for their continued support and friendship. **

**I hope you enjoy this update, here it is. x**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of delicate**

_Delicate: adjective; easily broken or damaged, fragile, requiring sensitive or careful handling_

Nick Jordan

Nick found himself unexpectedly sitting in silence at his desk staring across at a female colleague for the second time in the matter of half an hour and couldn't help but wonder quite how he was going to explain his very recent behaviour to her or anyone else for that matter. It wasn't as if he had not been familiar with the madness that ensued when personal feelings became intertwined with working relationships, his own former romantic entanglement with Zoe was a clear example of that as was the breakdown of his marriage. Nonetheless he could not recall that there had been many occasions in his career when he had reacted quite so vehemently towards the complicated affairs of the heart that members of his team found themselves ensconced in.

However Dr Sam Nicholls was far from being just another member of staff and whilst he couldn't quite remember at what precise moment his affection for the young woman had become quite so strongly paternal, seeing her hurting so badly and quite how desperate she had been to convince him that her deployment to an Afghan warzone was a positive move for her had been too much for him to bear. The incoherent chain of events that had led from them being involved in an intense discussion in his office to him now being glared at by Dr Zoe Hanna was still quite a blur, yet unlike his earlier meeting with Sam his current companion was definitely less than pleased to be in the same room as him and he was sure she only remained present to prevent him from doing anything more irrational than his actions downstairs just minutes earlier.

The fact that within a matter of twenty four hours he had taken a sledgehammer to his friendship with his ex-partner and then acted so badly towards one of his team that he felt certain he would feel the consequences for quite some time to come was out of character for him, of that much he was certain. However despite that he had become aware that when Sam was at the centre of an issue his ability to act rationally was clouded at best.

He had known from the moment he had arrived at the pub the previous night and seen the state some of his E.D. team had already been in that this shift was going to be particularly hellish and that had been before he considered the added complexities of shifting allegiances and relationships between himself and Drs Hanna, Keogh and Nicholls. He recalled the moment he had stood in the centre of the department and reluctantly cast his gaze over the motley and dishevelled group of individuals that were apparently on better days his prized staff group, capable of managing all eventualities and disasters. He had known it would be too much to hope for that the disarray would be eased by a quiet shift, but whilst cubicles had been relatively busy he had spent most of the morning feeling incredibly grateful that the day had passed thus far without major incident or accident in the locality. If he was honest he didn't think any of them, himself included much to his own annoyance, had the capacity to manage such a situation well that day, despite realising how incredibly unprofessional that sounded.

He remembered the expectant look he had seen in everyone's eyes at the thought of whatever horrendous task he would assign them too that shift as punishment for their slightly dazed state. He could barely remember another occurrence when his allocations had caused so much of a stir, as with the exception of keeping Dr Lyons away from the much sought after resus patients and Dr Keogh's never-ending tenure in CDU he knew that the remainder of the staff were always flexible about where in the department they worked. However he had definitely picked up on an air of anticipation as he had announced who would be working with who, something that had been complicated significantly by his overwhelming desire to take his own hangover out on someone. He knew he had allowed his normally coherent decision making process to be compromised by a few key individuals that he felt needed to be treated in a certain manner that morning and this had definitely helped him speed up the allocation, albeit not being an outcome he had been entirely satisfied with.

He recalled that his quickest decision had been to send Lenny to work with the already busy Dr Keogh in CDU, primarily as a way of reprimanding him for his late arrival and how clear it was that he was still suffering the ill-effects of his vast alcohol consumption the night before. Nick had figured that of himself, Zoe and Dylan it was the latter who would actually give Dr Lyons the hardest time that day, both as Dr Keogh had no time for those who abused alcohol but also as the consultant appeared to be in an even worse mood than was usual for him, something he had still yet to get to the bottom of.

The moment that decision had been made, it had felt most appropriate to keep Sam and Tom together given how supportive the male doctor appeared to be of his counterpart and the good rapport Nick had watched develop between them in recent weeks. After their conversation in the pub he felt Dr Kent was possibly the only other person he trusted within the department to keep a watchful eye over Dr Nicholls and therefore he felt able to leave them to their own devices, with a slightly depressed looking Scarlett for company as he had picked up that Sam appeared to have a soft spot for the young nurse since her assault.

With those assignments made it had seemed wisest to despatch Zoe to resus, where Nick had felt she would be far enough away from Sam, Dylan and himself to prevent the already tangled situation from disintegrating any further during the shift. The thought of Dr Hanna being the consultant to work alongside Dr Nicholls had seemed untenable and given his own falling out with the woman the day before he had known their own separation would be for the good of the team, if not helping to heal their shattered friendship. It had been as the impact of his own thought processes had started to sink in that he could not help but realise quite how unsustainable the fractures in this E.D. would soon become as it had become apparent to him quite how many people had colleagues they would struggle to work alongside for much longer if circumstances didn't begin to improve, something he knew he would soon have to do something about.

He had briefly hoped that his words with Zoe had actually had an impact and that she would be prepared to help him resolve the source of the tension, being the outstanding marital difficulties of her partner and his wife, but he had always known quite how stubborn Dr Hanna could be when she was cornered so he had not allowed himself to be optimistic this would indeed be the case. His only other hope lay with Sam herself and this ill-considered plan to initiate divorce proceedings as a way of moving things forward, but he had also known that whilst he would support that choice if it was what she really wanted he personally believed that far from improving things it was likely that this course of action could only end with her becoming even further isolated.

He remembered that he had finally dispatched Linda to work alongside Dr Hanna after much deliberation, but in wanting to keep her from being a distraction for Lenny and also put some space between her and Sam after the nurse's clumsy attempts to establish some gossip from her the previous night he had been left with few options. Nick had only been able to hope that she didn't subject Zoe to similar levels of interrogation, but he had been certain than despite the current mess she was embroiled in Dr Hanna had far too much sense to disclose anything important to the loudest mouth in the department.

The remainder of his morning had been spent calling those that had disgraced themselves into his office to be reprimanded, with Dr Lyons and Nurse Andrews being top of that list, a list which had also included the exceedingly grouchy Big Mac and Noel, who had obviously been still suffering from their own alcohol consumption. He had also considered berating Dr Keogh for the disrespect he had shown in failing to attend the staff briefing that morning, but had thought that was a conversation better suited to a time when he himself was feeling a little less delicate, given how dismissive his fellow consultant was likely to be of any such rebuke.

In fact if he recalled correctly he had been quite happy to leave his team to get on with things that day, mainly because given the impact the previous night was having on their personalities he had felt it wiser to stay out of their way and recover from his own hangover in peace and quiet. He had only left the safety of his office in the first place because Zoe had arrived wanting space to complete some paperwork he had asked her to deal with before their argument and the awkward tension in the room with them both present had instantly been almost unbearable. He had picked up that not only was his ex-partner distancing herself from him as a result of their cruel words, but she also appeared to be keeping out of Dylan's way too and at the time he remembered that he had been annoyed at her for finally trying to show a discrete distance from her relationship now that the damage had already been done.

He had been busy reviewing a patient when Sam had tried to speak to him, but he had instantly seen from her nervous expression that it was important and therefore he had sent her up ahead to his room to wait for him, before seeking out Dr Kent for assurance that all had been well when he had left her the night before. They had had a brief, hushed conversation in the centre of cubicles, out of earshot of everyone except perhaps Scarlett and he had been relieved when Tom had confirmed he had walked Sam safely home. It had only been when Nick offered him his grateful thanks for that particular task, being pleased to see that his stern words of warning to the man when they were still in the pub that he was entrusting him with the well-being of his colleague and cautioning him off doing anything stupid, that he saw a slightly confused look cross Nurse Conway's face as she made eye contact with Tom. However he knew that he had pushed any concern he had over that out of his mind, thinking it more of a priority to find out exactly what Sam had to tell him.

He had felt an immense wave of horror and concern wash over him on hearing her words, not only because he didn't think there would ever be a time he would be ready for her to leave, but also on considering that she was not ready to be posted out to a warzone, physically or otherwise, the image of her freshly picked out sutures still fresh in his mind from days before. She had looked so delicate and fragile that her words about the army seemed to jar against the perception he had of the vulnerable young woman who had been sitting in front of him still battered and bruised from her assault. Her reasons for her imminent departure had sounded rational enough, but he had not been able to shake the feeling that she was using the army as an excuse to run away from problems that would not just disappear even if she was thousands of miles away. He recalled considering whether there was any excuse he could use to stop her going, in fact he was still determined to come up with one if there was no other way to prevent this from happening, but he knew that if he did it was likely Sam would just push him away and then go regardless.

He had made it clear to her immediately that he would need to inform the board, trust management and also Zoe, as the team would need to find a replacement for her if she was sure this was what she wanted and he had been surprised that she had not been more fazed at the thought of this development becoming public. The only condition he had heard her set out was that he gave her until the end of the day to tell Dylan before he or Zoe made any announcements and it had saddened him at how little she seemed to realise the impact her departure would have on other people around her, her ex-husband aside.

She had piqued his interest on commenting that she was fully prepared for Dylan to walk out on her as soon as she informed him of her decision to go, which she had clarified by adding that he had never given her any reaction to her previous two postings either other than to inform her that the army was not a good form of career progression, something Nick could well imagine him saying. However he had not really been taking in her words until she had made mention of the fact that Dylan had already stormed out of a room on her once already that morning and she had explained that there had been an awkward moment between the two of them, Zoe and Tom in the staffroom earlier, which she felt may have resulted in her husband refusing to leave CDU for yet another shift.

He had listened with interest as she had referenced Tom being the only other person that knew of her posting and had initially been amused by her hurried explanation that she had wanted to tell him first, but it had been Dr Kent who had been present when she received the news. However that bemusement had soon been replaced with horror upon his realising the implication that Dr Kent had spent the night at Sam's flat with her, despite his instruction for him to watch his step around the girl. As he had started to comprehend the situation he had faced at that moment, it had been a particular statement that she had made around her having wanted to forget all about Dylan and the complications of Holby last night and it being Tom who had helped take her mind off of things, before helping her realise that she actually still had unresolved issues with her husband that she needed to deal with before she left, that had left Nick feeling livid.

He had made his excuses quickly from the office, promising Sam that once they had taken the opportunity to inform Zoe and Dylan of the circumstances then they would have a further discussion later over where that left them before she went home. He had followed her back into the department and immediately sought out Dr Kent, only to be informed that he had been called into resus with Zoe to treat a young child. On the way through the E.D. he had overheard Linda and Lenny whispering in corners but before he had the chance to berate them for their gossiping he overheard the nurse informing Dr Lyons that Tom had been bragging about his night time performance with Sam in such a sordid manner it made him feel nauseous, as he had never wanted to consider her in that way.

Nick had entered resus with such force that the doors slammed backwards and he had found himself staring at the man in question, suddenly having difficulty in contemplating what he was going to say to him in their confrontation. It had become apparent to him at that point that whilst people had openly been chatting about the previous night's events this particular piece of news appeared to have been kept secret from him, even by Sam, and he had suddenly realised the meaning behind the strange look he had earlier seen Scarlett give Tom on him having been congratulated for getting his colleague home safe, when in fact he had walked her home with entirely different intentions it seemed.

Nick had seen the look of alarm cross Dr Kent's face as he approached him on autopilot, but that had not stopped the diatribe of words streaming from his mouth as he slated the young doctor for taking advantage of his female colleague and he knew that he had barely heard any responses that the man had chosen to make. Nick was well aware that he had allowed the red mist to descend across him and that he had come within seconds of hitting Tom for doing the one thing he had solemnly promised not to do, but before he had lashed out properly Charlie had appeared from nowhere behind him and dragged him away. He had still been fuming when he had all but spat in the direction of Tom that he was disgusted with him as they had both known she still loved someone else and he had gone there anyway, meaning that he had just used her for his own ends.

It had only been as Charlie bundled him out of resus and given him a strong indication that he should go and calm down somewhere else that he finally registered the horrified expressions on the faces of Tom, Zoe and the kindly male nurse, as well as the mixture of glee and concern written across the newly returned Linda's face. He recalled taking a deep breath and trying to stabilise his thoughts to work out his next course of action, but the adrenalin had been pumping through him and it had taken all the restraint he had to not storm straight back into the room and properly have it out with Dr Kent.

Zoe had followed him out of resus almost immediately and summonsed him to his own office which had irritated him greatly but he had followed regardless, knowing that to stay would just increase the tension in the E.D. further on an already difficult day. They had walked together in an abject silence and Nick had immediately noticed quite how distressed Dr Hanna had seemed at his unexpected actions, plus the fact that the normally confident and outspoken woman had seemed reluctant to even speak to him.

The two of them had now been sitting across the desk from each other in silence for a number of minutes, but Nick had certainly not wanted to break the noiselessness as it had begun to dawn on him quite how badly his momentary lapse of judgement and descent into utter madness could cost him, especially if Tom reported his unreasonable and aggressive behaviour. However despite that he knew that if the situation were to recur he would act in totally the same way to protect Sam from harm, scaring himself at the thought of how this girl had now taken up residence in part of his heart that he was sure was wholly reserved for his child.

"What in hell were you playing at?" Zoe asked irately, glaring at him with such a force that he felt as if he was under police interrogation. "You could be struck off for that."

"He took advantage of Sam. I warned him off doing anything stupid given how much of a state she has been in recently, but no he had to go there anyway. She's only got a few more weeks to sort everything out and the last thing she needs is to have him making everything even more complicated" Nick started to justify, but realised even on saying the words that it was unlikely his ex-partner would understand the sentiment. "She's leaving Zoe," he explained. "She didn't take the opportunity of a longer secondment."

"What?" his female colleague questioned sharply, surprise evident to him in her features. "Why not?"

"Why do you think?" he retorted bluntly on hearing her reply.

"You can't lay the blame for this at my door," she responded slowly. "It seems like the entire department is caught up in Sam and Dylan's mess at the moment, not just me."

"You started it by sleeping with Dylan. You did that and now she's going," Nick countered, eyeing her with intrigue as he watched her process the information but feeling suddenly overwhelmed by sadness on seeing her broken expression at that piece of news.

"She can't leave because of that," Zoe stated desperately. "She can't go because of me and Dylan because there is no me and Dylan. He's still in love with her, he always has been."

Nick couldn't help but feel stunned at that statement as whilst he had already considered that this may well have been the case, he had never anticipated quite how badly it would affect his own ex-partner for it actually to be true. It almost felt as if someone had taken a wrecking ball to everyone he cared about and smashed everything in its path and for the first time he considered that it wasn't just Sam that needed him to protect her now, as both of the women in his life – his surrogate daughter and the woman he himself still loved – were both incredibly delicate, more so than he thought he had ever seen them before.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam stood leaning against the counter in the centre of cubicles looking through the test results Scarlet had just provided her with for one of her patients, reflecting as she did on the outcome of her conversation a few minutes beforehand with Mr Jordan. She had not been that surprised he had not been best pleased with her piece of news, as over the past few weeks since he had made her the offer of a longer secondment, he had definitely been pushing the angle that she should not be returning to war and instead ought to remain in Holby. He had definitely been upping his support of that idea since her assault and whilst she had agreed with him to some extent that she was far from fully fit to be heading back out to Afghanistan, she hoped she had offered him the reassurance he seemed to need that she would be fine. The fact that she had been trying to convince herself of the very same just as much as her Clinical Lead was still not lost on her, but she had decided that the best way to distract herself from what horrors may be about to come her way was to enjoy her last few weeks in Holby the best she could and give herself some better memories to cling onto in the dark days of war.

She had to admit that it had hurt slightly when just a few minutes after hearing of her departure Mr Jordan had all but forced her from the room and it had only been his indication that they would need to talk again later that had convinced her they were still on speaking terms at all. Sam recalled him pointing out to her that he would need to inform Zoe of the development, something she wasn't exactly best pleased about but understood nonetheless and she knew she had apologised that he had not been the first to know, having cited Tom as her initial confidante of that piece of information, hoping as she did that Nick would see she had taken his advice and opened up to some of her colleagues.

Since she had returned to the department from his office she had been pleased to see that order appeared to have been restored, mainly due to the arrival of Tess and Charlie who she was sure had been in a fairly jovial mood until they had seen their wrecked team of staff. However Sam had watched the two older, experienced nurses soon get a handle on the situation and whilst Charlie had been reasonably understanding about the tired state of the majority of staff, she had noted Tess had seemed less so although both nurses had raised a smile on hearing Dr Lyons had been assigned to work with Dr Keogh in CDU, seemingly pleased that their errant colleague was being punished for his poor timekeeping and attitude in recent weeks.

However as Sam had run through with them exactly where everyone was at in terms of her knowledge of current patient status and location she had realised there seemed to be a number of her colleagues missing in action, as whilst she knew Tom had gone to resus, she was unsure if either Jordan or Zoe were in the department any longer and Linda had definitely flitted off somewhere, most likely to gossip with Lenny about the various relationships in the department. Charlie had indicated he would go and check on resus and the moment Nurse Andrews had appeared in the area, Sister Bateman had dispatched her back in that direction also, berating her as she did for apparently being busy doing absolutely nothing whilst poor Scarlett had been practically run off her feet, something Sam had alerted the senior nurse to herself having much appreciated Nurse Conway's efforts, especially as she had not been feeling too happy herself that morning.

Sam returned to the centre of cubicles a few minutes later having passed on the test results she had been studying to her patient and as she did so she noticed Charlie had returned, his face ashen and had quietly whispered in Tess' ear causing her to look visibly concerned on hearing his words. She watched with interest as the two senior nurses shared a confidence across the room from her before Charlie had hurriedly left the department in the direction of CDU and Tess had busied herself sorting out the waiting patient charts, studiously not making eye contact with Sam in her opinion and she found herself wondering if they had somehow already established that she was due to depart imminently and cursed whoever may have informed them this was the case before she had been able to speak to Dylan.

"Why are you still here?" Linda stated from beside her, popping back up out of nowhere and disturbing her trail of thought.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, looking at her questioningly, as in truth she had no clue what the woman was talking about. "Why wouldn't I be here?" she continued, before picking up her coffee cup from the side and taking a slurp of the now lukewarm liquid, guessing this explanation may be one that could take some time.

"Are you sleeping with Jordan?" Linda probed bluntly in her strong Liverpudlian accent, shocking and horrifying Sam to the core at the very thought of that scenario being true and in response she spluttered the coffee she had been just about to swallow all over the desk. "I thought you would have gone to see what was going on out there."

"Where the hell did you get that from?" she responded angrily. "You seriously need to get your facts straight before you start spreading things like that around," she added, fuming and mortified in equal measure at the interrogation from her colleague. "And what do you mean what's going on out there?" she finished, suddenly remembering the second half of Linda's statement.

"Mr Jordan nearly punched Tom's lights out," Nurse Andrews explained and Sam could see how much the woman was dying to know what was going on. "Charlie had to pull him off him and he was ranting something about Tom knowing better than to lay hands on you because he knows the score," she elaborated, her tone conspiratorial and Sam felt the woman's intense gaze upon her in anticipation of hearing answers from her soon.

"Where is he?" Sam asked instinctively, feeling an overwhelming need to get out of the department and away from the inquisitive stars of the remainder of the team.

"Who?" Linda snapped back.

"Nick," Sam answered quickly and saw the blonde nurse raise her eyebrows in response at that name.

"I'd have thought you'd be more interested in lover-boy to be honest," Nurse Andrews replied sharply. "Zoe took him to his office to cool off if you're that concerned, but I last saw Tom in resus and he's fine by the way, just a little shaken up," she added pointedly. However before Sam could consider which of her two male friends she actually did need to speak to first she was distracted by the sight of Dylan and Lenny appearing back from CDU, her husband's face looking like thunder and failing to hide his reluctance at being back out in the main department with her.

"Charlie said you needed some help?" Dr Lyons said, staring straight at Linda and obviously confused as to what was going on that had enabled him to escape the confines of the other room.

"Where are Mr Jordan and Dr Hanna?" Dr Keogh asked pointedly, but Sam looked away from his stern gaze, unable to comprehend exactly how her ex-husband would react to hearing the news that two of their colleagues had apparently come close to blows over her, especially when she had barely gotten her head around that thought herself.

"In an emergency meeting," Tess responded as she appeared beside Sam, who saw the reassuring glance the nurse shot her as she made that comment.

"And Tom?" Lenny queried, still appearing bemused at what appeared to be going on.

"He's just finished treating a patient in paed's resus, but he's been caught up in dealing with the aftermath of an incident," Tess explained simply and Sam felt slightly amazed at how succinctly the older woman had managed to summarise the situation without either causing alarm or indicating that anything untoward had occurred, despite her obviously having heard what had happened.

"Right," Dylan responded grumpily. "I'll go to resus and you can stay here," he added dismissively and Sam shot her head up to face him, initially unhappy at his attitude towards her before she realised he was actually talking to Dr Lyons, who was shrugging in acceptance of the fact he was yet again not getting to work in the part of the E.D. everyone knew was his preferred area. She quickly came to realise that everyone had turned to look at her expectantly, as if wanting her to confirm what she was going to do at that moment, but it was Dylan's glare that felt the most uncomfortable to her.

"I, um," she started hesitantly, not really wanting to say the words aloud. "I need to find Tom," she finished quickly and rapidly left cubicles, hastily averting her gaze from Dr Keogh before she could see his reaction to those particular words.

It did not take Sam long to check around the department and establish that Dr Kent was no longer inside, so she headed out of the main doors to look outside and saw Tom sitting on one of the benches in the peace garden, her heart instantly going out to the very confused looking man as she headed over to join him.

"I heard what happened," she said as she neared his side, causing him to look up momentarily. "I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen. It's completely messed up I know it is," she added sadly. As Sam sat down beside her forlorn colleague she thought back to the events of the night before, when she had been far from innocent in what had occurred and it had only been Tom's preventative action that had stopped the situation escalating between them. The fact that he was now the one to suffer as a result really did not sit well with her, nor did the niggling feeling that it might well have been a comment she herself had made to Nick Jordan that had caused his erratic behaviour. She had realised the implication of her words almost as soon as they had left her mouth, but she had thought she had covered them well. However even despite that she still couldn't understand why just the thought of something occurring between her and her colleague had been enough to cause her confidante to react so harshly towards someone she thought they both trusted.

"Sam," Tom started, turning on the bench to face her and grabbing at her hand to bring her back to reality. "You know I really like you and we've been great mates recently, but this is insane," he continued, bewilderment still evident to her across his features. "I already told you I didn't want to get caught in the crossfire between you and your husband this morning, but I was as game for a laugh as you were in winding everyone up about us. I've already got Dylan giving me hell just for going near you," he explained, shaking his head at her before she could interrupt. "No, seriously Sam he has done nothing but either deliberately avoid me or be really bloody rude to me ever since you got attacked. I know you're going to say that he is like that with everyone, but it's different with me now and I don't know if he doesn't like you being friends with me or whatever. All I know is whenever he sees us together I end up paying for it afterwards."

"I didn't realise," Sam answered dejectedly, tears prickling the back of her eyes at the thought of the resistance her newly acquired friend appeared to be putting up with just to be around her. "I don't know why he'd be like that with you, but I'll talk to him, I promise," she added earnestly.

"I don't even mind him," Tom responded reassuringly. "If I was in his shoes I'd be jealous too, you're quite a catch you know," he clarified and whilst she knew he had been trying to raise a smile from her, she didn't think she had one left to give. "What I hadn't really taken into account was that I'd have to fight Jordan for you too," he stated, his tone thoughtful. "If a man goes to hit me about a woman in my life, it's usually a duly jealous husband not our boss. You know he warned me off you last night right?" he queried, staring her straight in the eye and causing her to shake her head in reply. "He told me that I should take care of you, but not to do anything to hurt you, almost like he was your dad or something I guess. I think the last time a girl's dad lashed out at me I was about 17 and even then I'd done something to actually deserve it."

"It's like everything's been turned on its head and I don't know what way is up anymore," Sam contributed to the conversation. "I've never been that great at reading people and I don't think I really thought about the impact any of my issues might be having on others," she tried to elaborate. "You, Nick, Dylan, Zoe. God even Scarlett got caught up in everything that's been going on," she added, hearing the distress in her own tone. "I never meant for it to go this far, you have to believe me on that one."

"Sam, listen to be," Tom determinedly responded. "You didn't cause this craziness, you really didn't."

"No?" she retorted, suddenly finding anger at herself flooding back through her body. "You try telling me that if I wasn't here that any of this would still have happened," she stated, before pausing. "Because I know you can't do that."

"That doesn't make it your fault though, you can't control what other people do," her male companion countered, but Sam shrugged off his words dismissively in a manner she knew was akin to how Dylan usually dealt with people.

"Are you going to report Nick for what he did to you?" she heard herself asking and felt a wave of relief course across her on seeing Tom shake his head.

"I don't see how that would help sort out this mess do you?" he queried. "But if I was you, I'd think about getting away from here for a few days," he continued, bringing his hand up under her chin to force her to look at him. "Seriously Sam, you need a break. You were already physically exhausted, never mind still recovering from the attack. Don't think for a second I didn't see how badly some of those bruises were healing last night and those stitches on your arm aren't going to stand a chance if you keep doing that to them," he added, before releasing her face from his grasp and using his hand to remove her own from where she had instinctively, yet unconsciously, started pulling at the already re-done sutures.

"I'm getting a break," Sam snapped back at him, embarrassed to have been caught out trying to remove the stitches for the second time. "I'm going back to the army aren't I?" she elaborated on seeing his confusion. "I'm getting away from the whole lot of you," she added cruelly, determined not to break in front of him and feeling that the only method to stop him from being pulled deeper into the situation would be to push him further away from her side.

"That isn't quite what I meant," Tom said in reply, his voice coming across as uncertain in response to her harsh tone. "But I know you want to get back out there and how much you've always said you love the army, so if that's what you want then maybe it is for the best," he added, still looking at her strangely and she found herself averting her gaze from him, not wanting to give him the option of recognising quite how badly she was hurting. "I'm going to get back inside, can't possibly imagine how they're coping without us in there," he stated simply and stood up to walk back towards the department. "I'll see you in there alright?"

"Tom," Sam said softly, causing him to stop and look back in her direction. "I am sorry you know for getting you involved in all this." He nodded in her direction in response before heading back into the E.D. running his hands through his messy hair as he travelled, obviously trying to bring himself back the reality of the situation before returning into their workplace.

Sam brought her knees up to her chest on the bench, feeling as if she was trying to physically hold herself together and stop the distressing ache that was cursing through her at the events of the past hour or so. Her circumstances just felt like they kept spiralling further beyond her control with each step she took, as if her life were a delicate web of tightropes and she couldn't help but think that she would soon make one false step too many. She felt overwhelmingly sad at the thought of how she had managed to gain two new friends in the previous week in Nick and Tom, but now her own presence had pushed them so close to the brink that she knew she could not ask them to catch her if she fell once again. Sam recalled how earlier that day she had been feeling so positive about her future and how sad she had been at the very thought of leaving the people of Holby far behind her, but now she knew she wanted nothing more than to leave. One unexpected development had been all it had taken to seal the deal and convince her once and for all that her imminent departure would be for good and there would be no turning back.

A small movement from the entrance to the E.D. caught her attention and she looked up to see Dr Hanna emerge from the department and light a cigarette, Sam able to see the stress that filled her features even from so far away. Zoe turned slightly, catching sight of her as she did so, and as the woman made her way over towards her, Sam couldn't help but realise quite how badly her head hurt and this time she was certain it wasn't the result of any hangover.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading and sorry once again for the delay. I'll try and update much sooner this time, I promise. <strong>

**Reviews will be very welcome indeed. Callie x**


	13. The definition of responsible

**Thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing, PM-ing and tweeting me about this fic, your little words of encouragement are giving me motivation to keep going even on manically busy days. Extra special thanks to Anny, Meggi and Ficmouse for their endless words of support as ever.**

**So here we go, chapter 13. I hope you enjoy it.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of responsible **

_Responsible: adjective; being the primary cause of something and so able to blamed or credited for it, morally accountable for one's behaviour_

Zoe Hanna

Zoe lit up another cigarette, her second in a matter of ten minutes and surveyed the scene in front of her with relative interest, feeling that anything was better than continuing to sit in silence with a colleague who now appeared so disengaged from everything around them that she had barely raised so much as a glance when she had approached and asked if the girl wanted some company. From their position on one of the benches of the peace garden Zoe looked out at people coming and going from their busy department in various states of happiness or distress dependant on the news they had just received or were waiting for in anticipation, before those departing headed either off for the car park, bus stop or in a surprising amount of cases the pub, somewhere she herself wished she could be right now drowning her sorrows and commiserating with Nick, a man she knew she really needed to sit down and have a proper conversation with over a few drinks.

Other people and their lives could only distract her for so long however from the situation in hand and the fact that Nick had just informed her that the girl sitting beside her was leaving them all to head off to a warzone in a matter of a couple of weeks. The fact that the headstrong woman was so adamant she was departing was of no surprise despite the realisation she wished it was not the case, but that did not stop her being concerned about Sam's physical and mental fitness to undertake such a huge upheaval and demanding role, especially given recent events.

Zoe recalled her recent confession to the same man who had imparted Sam's piece of news to her that her own relationship with Dylan was a sham, to such an extent that she was unsure if the two of them could even salvage their friendship anymore and had clarified the situation for him by explaining that her apparent partner was actually still in love with his ex-wife, whether he would ever admit that to her, Sam or anyone else seeming particularly irrelevant now.

Zoe remembered how awful she had felt that morning when she had finally awoken, after an incredibly disturbed night of sleep, to the memory of her assignation with Dylan and how he had gotten up and walked out of her apartment almost as soon as that had been over. She had tried to speak to him earlier that morning but her pleas appeared to have fallen on deaf ears and her reassurance that his wife was not seeing Tom had been completely blown out of the water by the two parties arriving concurrently, clearly having been home together the night before. The look Dr Kent had given her in the difficult moment when they had all stood awkwardly in the staffroom had spoken volumes about the reality of what had occurred, so it had been with bewilderment that Zoe had spent the remainder of the morning hearing from Linda about how the two younger doctors had definitely crawled out from the same bed earlier that day.

Her own suspicions about the status of Tom and Sam's relationship had been aroused ever since the girl's attack some days before, when Zoe had been so sure that she was not telling the truth about her implied plans with another man and subsequent conversations they had had, including Sam's brief snapped response at her when she had made an observation in Nick's office just a short while before had all but confirmed that there was no real relationship to be hidden. She still was unsure quite why the younger woman was making such efforts to convince the world that she had moved on, other than it possibly being an attempt to get under Dylan's skin, but the irony of the fact that Zoe's comment about things not being what they seemed had related to her own relationship difficulties with the same man and not Sam at all had not been lost on her.

Zoe had already been incredibly tired when she had arrived at work that morning, sleep having been difficult to come by given the events of the previous night. However she had been reasonably looking forward to getting stuck into the chaos of the E.D. and trying to keep busy to ensure she had something to focus on other than her own confusion. That Nick had decided to allocate gossip-hungry Linda to work with her had annoyed her no end, but she had been able to see quite how difficult his staff planning had been that day having seen what a sorry state some of her colleagues had been in from the staff drinks the day before and strangely she had found herself wishing she had been there, rather than trying to push Dylan to face up to their non-existent relationship issues. A simple night out of drinks on the town was something she had started to miss ever since she had become closer to her grumpy colleague, because for obvious reasons that would not have been his idea of a good time and she had therefore found herself turning down invitations like that in recent weeks out of respect for him, not she realised that he ever appeared to have noticed this had indeed been the case.

Zoe recalled that Linda had made an exceptional effort to provoke a reaction from her and elicit some juicy gossip whilst they worked on the small number of resus patients first thing, but she credited herself with enough integrity not to be that easily drawn into saying something she might regret. However Nurse Andrews' persistence had appeared to have paid off with some other members of the team and the fact that the blonde nurse had spent most of her time flitting between various areas of the department to gather and share her newly acquired information had been an irritation to say the least. The look on the woman's face when she had walked in on Nick attacking Tom had been close to gleeful and the fact that she had scurried off so quickly to impart her knowledge to others had been a source of dismay to Zoe, as she had realised quite how difficult this incident would be to contain.

In truth she herself was still struggling with quite how badly Nick had behaved, even after talking through the messy saga with him and although she did understand he had acted in such a manner to protect Sam's honour, Zoe still couldn't begin to comprehend quite how far her ex-partner had stepped over the line from boss to protective father figure with the girl. She recalled with horror the look on Tom's face as Nick had approached him, looking for all intents and purposes as if he was going to give him a good hiding and with the whole situation blowing up so unexpectedly she had not been surprised when Dr Kent had barely been able to defend himself from the tirade of abuse he had received. Zoe thought back to the moment that Nick had been pulled away from their colleague and felt so thankful that Charlie had appeared from nowhere, as she didn't think she would have been able to prevent the one-sided war of words escalating into a physical fight on her own.

She had fleetingly spoken to Tom in the E.D. entrance as she had headed out for a smoke and he had quietly reassured her that he was not pursuing Nick any further for the attempted assault, mainly out of concern for the impact such an action would have on Sam, but despite that she couldn't help but worry about the increased tension Nick's actions had caused in an already fractured team. It was clear to her from the brief words that she had exchanged with Sam when she had initially sat down next to her that the girl had no real understanding of how or why the altercation occurred in the first place and found herself feeling sorry for the young woman for not being able to see how much the people around her cared about her welfare. Zoe cocked her head slightly to look at her female colleague, taking a long drag on her cigarette as she did so and reminded herself of how quick witted, determined, feisty and smart Sam used to be and couldn't help but wish that she was anyone other than Dylan's wife, as she was sure they would have been firm friends if they weren't complicatedly connected via Dr Keogh.

Zoe thought back to Nick's awful words to Tom in the heat of the moment and felt the wave of devastation that had come across her earlier make a reappearance. Although Dr Kent had been shocked at the tone, rightfully so if her assumptions about the lack of relationship between he and Dr Nicholls were correct, Zoe herself had felt laid bare for all to see on hearing them. It had almost been as if Nick's words about her colleague's actions had actually been a pointed reminder of her own behaviour with Dylan, even if he had not actually known how stupid she had been at the time and it had hurt to see her own behaviour lain out so simply in front of her, as if all the world could criticise her for her mistake.

She had found it somewhat cathartic to open up to Nick and confess to him after his own act of idiocy, but having someone else know what happened between her and Dylan the night before still left her feeling embarrassed. Zoe had yet to work out exactly where she stood with Nick Jordan, as despite him making every effort to avoid her that morning she had seen his face crumple in sadness for her on hearing her explain that Dylan's heart lay elsewhere and somehow it had felt natural that he be the one she confided in, regardless of the hellishly cruel argument they had had some twenty four hours before. She still knew that they would eventually need to go back and deal with the outstanding issues from that, because things had been said that neither of them could take back, but she remembered how safe she felt wrapped in his arms as they had stood together in his office, each trying to work out quite what their next steps needed to be.

Zoe reflected that she was still smarting from what had actually happened between her and Dylan, with a vague sense of being used filtering through her mind every single time she thought about her own behaviour. She had allowed the alcohol to cloud her judgement, but she was well aware that this could not be an excuse as she had known from the moment she led him to her room that what they were doing was wrong. She had realised even then that he was compromising by sleeping with her and whilst a part of her was angry at him for behaving so badly, she was kicking herself for thinking it through at the time and still going there anyway. She was unsure looking back whether she felt worse that he had used her to scratch an itch, a way of distracting himself from his wife and desire not to have to face up to the outstanding issues in his marriage, or the fact that she had been desperate enough for his company that she had allowed herself to be second best. In either scenario though she was well aware that she had to take her fair share of responsibility for what had occurred, but even that could not take back making the mistake that may well eventually cost her the friendship of a man she had started to fall for many months before.

She had approached him earlier in the shift to try and rectify the situation by apologising for her part in the disaster they had created, but Dylan had not wanted to talk about it which had come as no surprise knowing him as well as she did. However when he had told her that as far as he was concerned it had never happened it had burnt her even harder than the initial rejection and they had ended up having a heated argument in the middle of CDU, which Zoe knew had not been a wise move on either of their parts. However they agreed that it would be for the best that they did indeed bury the night's events rather than allow them to play out publicly and Dylan had given her the smallest indication that he was sorry for how things had panned out, by breaking his emotionless state to inform her that he had liked being her friend. The words coming from him had seemed alien, as she had not been at all sure the man was capable of friendship nor whether this was what they actually had and she had felt dejected at how the terminology he had used confirmed for her that they would never be more than that, even with her now acquired knowledge that Sam would soon be leaving.

Zoe identified that she had come to accept Dylan's feelings for her were not on the same page as her own for him and knew now that she could not cling on to hope anymore that something more could occur. She couldn't help but feel saddened though at how devastating the impact their presumed closeness had been on the young woman sitting beside her and the weight of guilt she now felt on hearing that Sam was running away. In fact the only positive Zoe could take from the entire scenario was that she seemed to have rebalanced her connection with Dylan, albeit in a way that was not exactly mutually agreeable, and that his wife had not been present to witness any of their disentanglement nor have knowledge of the previous night's assignation.

"Sam," Zoe started, the trail of thought finally making clear in her own mind what she needed to say to the girl and the sound of her name causing her colleague to slowly look round at her in interest. "Nick told me you're leaving soon," she added. "You really need to sort things out with Dylan before you go, you can't leave things like this."

"I think what happens between me and Dylan is our business, not yours," Sam responded pointedly, a frown fixed across her face.

"Of course it is," Zoe answered, her conversation with Nick still ringing in her ears. "But you owe it to each other to at least sit down and talk things through before you go," she continued before hesitating. "Dylan still loves you, you know," she blurted out.

"Tell you that did he?" Sam replied with a sneer and Zoe could see why the girl would dismiss that thought out of hand given how uncommunicative the man could be. "No, I didn't think so," she furthered on getting no response. "Anyway it's too late, there is nothing left to talk about," she ended dismissively.

"You're still here another three weeks Sam," Zoe countered, trying to convince the younger woman that talking was actually an option worth pursuing. "It's never too late."

"I'm starting the divorce proceedings," she shot back. "It's over."

"Did you not hear what I said?" Zoe questioned, desperation filling her voice. "He still loves you," she added slowly and simply, trying to make the situation as plain as she could for the girl.

"Did you not hear what I said?" Sam retorted. "I'm getting a divorce. It's time I gave Dylan his life back, we've been over for the longest time and I need to let him go."

Zoe could tell instantly from the way Sam looked away from her gaze blinking furiously that her colleague's eyes had filled with tears and she would have given the world to be able to reach out to her in reassurance, but knew the younger woman would not have wanted to appear weak in front of her yet again. Over the past few weeks she had come to realise that the girl was far too good at avoiding sensitive interactions, just like her husband, but unlike with him she could see that Sam was nowhere near as expert in keeping her counsel when there was something on her mind nor holding a blank expression to hide her inner turmoil. The fact that Sam was as emotionally incompetent as Dylan but as passionate as Nick was intriguing to Dr Hanna, because it was a combination that used to make the girl a force to be reckoned with, rather than now dragging her into isolation and despair. Zoe recalled that she had witnessed the woman's anger on more than one occasion but recently she had come to pick out the ever present fear and desperation in her eyes.

"Are you seeing Dylan tonight?" Sam questioned suddenly, still not turning round to meet Zoe's stare, but causing her to snap out of her thoughts nonetheless.

"I don't know," Zoe responded quietly, both in truth over her lack of knowledge as to where they now stood but also believing that it was unlikely that would be the case.

"I'd appreciate it if you did," Sam explained, her voice barely audible. "I'm going to tell him about me leaving and the divorce before I go home and I don't know," she elaborated, her voice trailing off momentarily. "I don't know what he'll say but he might need a friend and I know how close you two are these days. If he'd want someone there it would be you I guess," she justified, apparently more to herself than anyone else.

"Look whatever you think is happening with me and Dylan, it's far from the case," Zoe replied. "We aren't in a relationship, there is nothing going on between us."

"You don't have to protect me from this," Sam said despondently. "You're nowhere near as good at hiding how you feel as he is. I know you're in love with him, so step up and be there for him. That's all I'm asking of you and then I'll be out of your hair for good," she continued before standing up and turning to face her. "I hope it all works out for you both I really do," the young woman said earnestly. "He deserves to be happy Zoe, he really does, and I know you can give him that like I never could. I get that you think there might still be some feelings there between me and him and you know what, there is bound to be something there given how abruptly we just ended things, but please believe me when I say it's over because I threw it all away long before either of us even knew you existed. None of this is your fault, but you're the one who can pick up the pieces for him. I need you to do that and so does he," she explained. "He'll just never ask you, that's all."

Zoe watched as her colleague marched back towards the entrance to the E.D. on finishing that statement feeling incredibly sad at the whole mess. She had seen how apparent it was that Sam had not been able to accept even the possibility of her husband still being in love with her, but at the same time the young woman's last statement had made Zoe realise that although she did have feelings for Dylan herself, this was far from being in love with him as yet and therefore once she had gone away to lick her wounds, she knew she would eventually get over him. She couldn't see how Sam would possibly end up so fortunate given that she was about to throw her marriage away when it was possible that it could be saved, especially when that ill-judged decision had been made with the weight of the world heavy on the girl's shoulders.

Zoe accepted that she bore some accountability for the crazy situation they all now found themselves in, with herself, Nick, Tom and Dylan all tied up in knots over how best to handle Sam. However she now realised that the best way to ensure the happiest outcome for the majority, Sam included, was for her and Dylan to confront their issues and start working on patching up their marriage, and if that meant Zoe herself ended up alone that was a sacrifice she was willing to make. She was not prepared to be responsible for letting Sam walk away forever with so many things left unsaid, not when it was within her power to ensure things did not stay that way.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam sat down on the bed in one of the treatment rooms and took a deep breath to steady her nerves. She had never noticed it before today but when they had rebuilt the department following the fire that had nearly claimed her husband's life they had taken away nearly all of the places to hide, the only real exception being if someone was senior enough to have an office. She very much doubted that she would ever be that kind of doctor, nor did she guess she would want to be, definitely preferring to be out and about in the thick of things than tied up with paperwork. Nonetheless on days like today she didn't half wish that she had somewhere of her own to run to, other than this little space or the ladies toilets that is.

Sam knew she had always been an expert at running away from things, that or burying them so deeply they would never come back to haunt her, a skill she had learnt from her own messed up childhood. However she well knew that it hadn't been until that fateful day when her and Dylan had first gotten together that she had learned to use such a talent to so great an effect and for the last four years or so her methods had worked the majority of the time. She had coped reasonably well she thought with her separation from her husband, despite her overwhelming desire to return to her previous behaviour, but since she had been back in his orbit it had been harder to control her own emotions, something she had been kicking herself for ever since she had first cried over his attachment to Zoe.

As it was she now found herself close to tears for what felt like the millionth time in the past few weeks and it was for that reason she was hiding out away from everyone, determined not to break in front of the entire department, especially because it would only add to the vast amounts of gossip already swirling around about what she had been up to in her private life.

Sam recalled that when she had returned to the department following her conversation with Dr Hanna outside her head had been spinning, both due to the fact she had now informed Zoe of her divorce plans and therefore had to tell Dylan quickly, but also because her colleague's own words had almost broken her heart. The other woman's claims that her husband still loved her had made her consider the immediate thought things might not yet be over, but as quickly as that feeling had descended Sam had batted it away. She could not claim to know her husband any better than Zoe these days, but what she did know was that Dylan did not wear his heart on his sleeve and therefore whatever her colleague thought she knew, it was likely to be far from the case.

She had busied herself instantly on returning to the E.D. and had found herself taking on additional patients purely to ensure she kept herself occupied, finding that the simple interaction with patients who did not know or care about her far easier to manage than discussions with her colleagues. Sam had recognised that the cubicles area had become a lot more manic in the absence of her, Tom and Nick, and as she felt a significant degree of responsibility for pulling them all out of the department for one reason or another she had made it her personal mission to restore order to the chaos and luckily for her, Scarlett had seemed eager to just follow her commands without question.

Sam had tried to ignore Zoe's return to the E.D. but had barely been able to disguise her relief when Dr Hanna had headed back off into resus rather than join her out in the main department. She had been able to feel everyone else's eyes upon her as it was and that had been difficult enough to bear, working alongside Zoe would have just added to her complications no end. Sam remembered the wave of nausea that had come over her instantaneously on Linda gleefully informing her that Dylan had indeed heard about the altercation between Nick and Tom, causing him to apparently trudge back to his own hideout in CDU. She had felt her heart immediately sink on hearing those words, because if either the blonde nurse or Lenny had been involved in imparting that particular piece of news to him he too probably now believed that she was sleeping with their boss as well, as absurd as that concept felt to her. She realised now that even given everything that had occurred and her imminent departure from Dylan's world she still did not want to disappoint him and every part of her regretted that she had allowed things to spiral this far out of control.

She had barely seen Tom since her return to the E.D. and she felt quite awful at how grateful she was for that, but she had recognised his similar need to her own to keep busy to avoid having to deal with what had occurred any more than was required. There had been one or two occasions where they had both appeared at the central desk in cubicles simultaneously, but on each instance she had immediately withdrawn and then sent Scarlett back for whatever it was she had approached the desk for in the first place. Sam recalled the hurt look on Dr Kent's face when she believed he had realised she was deliberately walking away from him, but from the moment he had referenced in their conversation outside quite how much his friendship with her was impacting on his working relationship with both Mr Jordan and Dr Keogh she had known it was in his best interests for her to dismiss any attempts he made at re-establishing their own connection. The fact that she still was unsure as to quite where they all stood meant that she could not guarantee he would be kept out of any further worsening of tensions and therefore she had come to the decision that distance between them was the only safeguard she could provide him, despite knowing how much she had come to rely on his humour and companionship in the last week or so.

Mr Jordan had also arrived back in the department, but Sam had found it easier to avoid him as he had appeared to have made the decision to stay out of the main cubicle area to keep out of Tom's way. She recalled that he had tried to speak to her on more than one occasion though until she had finally brushed him off with a dismissive comment about wanting him to leave her alone, before she had fled from his side on seeing the wounded look that had crossed his face. Sam had known all too well that he had only stepped in to protect her honour because she had allowed herself to get too close to him, but a small part of her still couldn't help but find it infuriating that he had overstepped the mark with Tom, whatever his justification for doing so.

As she sat in her hiding place she reflected back to that moment and she had to acknowledge that freezing him out had not been her best decision, but she didn't know what other option she had any longer. When she thought back to all of her interactions with her colleagues since Tom and Nick's altercation Sam could see how much she had withdrawn herself from the people around her in such a short space of time, with the only person she now felt able to show the world being detached army medic Sam, not the Sam she knew she had allowed them to get to know of late. The irony of the situation being that it had been her two closest confidantes ending up in a dispute over her welfare that had caused her to act like this was not lost on her, but despite knowing exactly what she was doing she had made the choice not to stop herself from shutting them out. She had been in the same position once before and she knew how much damage she was likely to do herself pushing everyone away in such a forceful manner, because back then it had nearly cost her everything. Nonetheless with only three weeks to go until she could escape to the relative sanctuary of her robotic army state in the hellish environment of Afghanistan, this was the only thing she could think of that would preserve her sanity until that departure date.

In fact she strangely hoped that she might even be helping her colleagues and the friends she was about to lose, because she was leaving soon enough and they would have to say goodbye to her then regardless. The less they cared about her at the point she chose to have as her farewell the more confident she could be about walking away and leaving them all unscathed. Sam recalled that on her previous two tours there had just been one person she had needed to say goodbye to and that had been difficult enough, but this time the break was going to be a clean one and she would be leaving them all to forget about her, something she knew would soon happen, even for the paramedics, Tom, Nick and Dylan.

Sam allowed her thoughts to consider what other people might make of her dramatic change in behaviour through the shift, but she decided that once they knew she was going they would probably put it down to her being focused on that. However in truth she could not actually bring herself to care what they thought of her, because the most important thing was that she took responsibility for the mess she had created and set them all free from their connection to her before she had to leave. A task that she knew had to urgently include informing Dylan of her plans, both to take up this posting and also to initiate divorce proceedings against him by the time she departed for war.

She recalled her conversation with Zoe outside in the peace garden and the other woman's insistence that she sort things out with Dylan as a matter of priority. Sam knew she had told her to butt out of things that did not concern her, but in fact Zoe was at the very heart of the issue as it had been her importance in Dylan's life that had caused the jealousy Sam had been feeling build up inside her for weeks. Dr Hanna's persistent declarations that Dylan still loved her had gotten to her a little that much was true, but she knew that the words were far from correct having seen the intensity of her husband and Zoe's connection in CDU earlier that day.

It had hurt a great deal to ask Dr Hanna to be there for Dylan after she had informed him of the news of both her impending departure and their divorce, but Sam had seen how her colleague had reacted to the pointed remark that it was easy to see she was in love with him. Even after everything that had occurred, she did still trust Zoe to do the right thing and be the support Dylan may need to talk through any residual issues he had over the breakdown of their marriage, even if it was not necessarily fair to ask the other woman to be the one who had to listen to that. Sam reflected that if circumstances had been different she was sure she and Dr Hanna could actually have been friends, but she sadly knew that this would now never be the case.

She remembered how she had felt this overwhelming need to apologise to the woman for dragging her firmly into her own marital mess, but instead she had settled for wishing her all the best for her relationship with Dr Keogh, despite Zoe's protestations that she should hear him out first. Sam had felt an odd sense of comfort in passing over the batten of responsibility for Dylan's happiness to the older woman, mainly because it had felt like the first step she had needed to make towards sorting out the outstanding issues she had to resolve before her departure, but she had still been taken aback by quite how much it had pained her to say the words aloud.

Sam finally decided she needed to shake herself out of the dark mood she was in and head back into the department to catch up on some work, knowing that she had been a significant reason for the disruption in the E.D. that day, however indirectly in some cases. As she re-entered the cubicle area she saw Scarlett returning from a bay and headed over towards her, with the pretty young nurse smiling up at her as she approached.

"Are you alright?" Nurse Conway asked before Sam could even speak, looking at her with a face full of concern.

"I'm fine," she responded, trying to sound as reassuring as she could. "Honestly," she added, on seeing that Scarlett had not seemed appeased by her first statement. "Listen, I just wanted to tell you that you've been brilliant today and I've told Tess as much," Sam explained. "I don't know if that helps you or not, but I wanted her to know that I couldn't have coped without you." She recognised the girl's expression as surprise on hearing those words and realised quite how few times she had ever offered praise to a colleague for a job well done, wondering not for the first time why she had allowed herself to learn from Dylan this skill of becoming oblivious to the talent of those around them.

"And I wanted to say," she went on with a sudden sense of urgency. "That I've heard you and Lloyd have had a row and I know it isn't any of my business, but maybe you should talk to him about what's gone on. I mean, I don't really know him that well but it sounds like he was trying to protect you and sometimes it's nice to have someone to look out for you, even if they go about things the wrong way," she explained. "Just give him a chance yeah?"

Scarlett nodded simply in response, obviously bewildered by the outburst but acknowledging the point that had been made nonetheless. Sam looked over the girl's shoulder and saw Mr Jordan appear back in the department, but before she headed off to speak to him she had allowed her hand to briefly rest on the young nurse's arm in a gesture she hoped would demonstrate her understanding of the dilemma that Scarlett faced. She instantly recognised the irony in her own words of comfort though, as so far her attempts at allowing someone to look out for her had not exactly ended well.

"Mr Jordan?" Sam stated formally as she sidled up to him and she saw the questioning look evident across his face on hearing her words. She found herself averting her gaze quickly from his eye contact as she still couldn't bring herself to understand the chain of events that had led up to him nearly punching a colleague over something as insignificant as her. "Can you free both myself and Dylan up for half an hour or so?" she asked, before continuing without giving him time or space to answer her question. "I don't want to have to ask, but I doubt he would meet me after work and I need to talk to him before he goes home for the day," she added. "I don't think any of this mess can be sorted until I've spoken to him and then you can tell whoever you like that I'm leaving. I don't care after that."

"Go and wait in my office," Nick responded meekly, his lack of continuing the conversation speaking volumes to Sam about how off kilter their friendship had become in the matter of a few hours. She watched him head off in the direction of CDU before she herself made the short walk to the Clinical Lead's office.

Sam settled herself into the chair that felt like it had become her semi-permanent place of residence in the last week and waited with a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach in anticipation at the next conversation she was about to have. She caught herself pulling at the still healing cut in her arm, the same sutured wound Tom had already removed her fingers from once that day, and silently berated herself for allowing her emotions to become so visibly evident in her actions for all to see.

"Are you going to tell me why I'm here?" asked the unmistakeable voice of her husband as the door swung open and she stood up to come face to face with both Dylan and Nick, standing side by side in the open doorway.

"I'll leave you two to talk," Mr Jordan quickly chipped in before departing and pulling the door closed behind him, leaving husband and wife staring straight at each other in abject silence.

"Well?" Dylan finally questioned pointedly. "Are you going to tell me why I'm here or am I just supposed to guess? I do have a department full of patients down there to be getting on with."

Sam took a deep breath to steady her nerves again and found herself chewing her lip in nervous anticipation of the words that were about to leave her mouth. However whilst she accepted that this was about to be the most difficult discussion she had had in years, she knew that the only way to take responsibility for the situation she now found herself in was to finally open up to the one man she knew would hate having this conversation even more than she would.

"Do you remember when I was in hospital all those years ago you made me a promise?" she asked softly, eliciting the smallest of nods of acknowledgement from him in response. "Well it's time to come through on that now," she continued slowly, her voice thick with emotion and tears prickling the back of her eyes. "I need you to let me go Dylan," she added, "just like you promised you would."

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><p><strong>Yes, you read that right - Sam and Dylan are going to have a conversation, their first of the entire fic I believe and we're only on chapter 13!<strong>

**Thank you for reading as always and you all know how much I love reviews.**

**The next part should be up over the weekend. Callie x**


	14. The definition of honest

**Okay, so I got this up on schedule which pleases me! Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the previous chapter, thank you all to sticking with the story and offering me your endless support - it makes me so incredibly happy to know people want to see where this is going. Thanks especially to Meggi, Ficmouse and Anny for being there to listen to my writing woes, this chapter is for you!**

**Anyway, so here we go with the next update. I hope it begins to put things out a bit clearer - because believe it or not, Sam and Dylan are finally going to talk!**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of honest**

_Honest: adjective; free of deceit, truthful and sincere, morally correct or virtuous, done with good intentions even if unsuccessful or misguided_

Sam Nicholls

Sam found herself perching on the edge of her Clinical Lead's desk silently busying herself with studying the patterns on the carpet rather than looking up and taking the risk of meeting her ex-husband's gaze. She wished she could forget the look on Dylan's face as she had spoken the words aloud that she wanted him to keep that one remaining promise, just like he had always stuck to the other two he had made that traumatic day. She had felt so incredibly sad on even asking him to abide by it, not just because she had never thought she would have the need to ever call it into question but also as she had known it was the one sure fire way of explaining to her husband exactly how she was feeling without having to elaborate further. The fact that they had always communicated better with only the most minimal words had been yet another demonstration of just how close the two of them had once been and it had been that illustration of the gulf that now lay between them that was causing her heart to break.

Sam recalled how Dylan had been the one to hold her hand back in her hospital bed all those years before and reassure her that he would never be the one to walk away from their connection, something she knew he had stuck to despite everything else that had gone on since. He had inexplicably extended the hand of friendship, possibly even forgiveness, to her in the days, weeks and months prior to her recent assault even though she could never have asked him to give her that reprieve and regardless of his newly established relationship with Zoe, Sam knew he had never broken his half of this particular bargain despite her own indiscretions and recent dismissive attitude towards him. The fact that he had tied himself to her in a way she had never been able to commit herself in response had never sat easy with her, but back then he had assured her that he had been comfortable with things as they stood. He had given her a get out clause to leave everything they had once built together and just slip away, a deed she considered ironic given that he had always been the one who was out of her league and therefore he should have had the same opportunity to depart their promised vows without comeback or reprisal.

It had been since that day Sam realised that she had come to rely on Dylan as her anchor, in that he was the one person who always kept her grounded in reality even with the horrors of war that she had seen burning fresh in her mind every single day. His ever-present acceptance of her for who she was, rather than who others had wanted her to be, had always struck a chord with her and she knew now that she could only hope he felt she had offered him a comparable level of unequivocal support in his own difficult times, the last week notwithstanding for either of them.

Sam looked up to where Dylan stood from his position just inside the doorway, having not moved since she had made her earlier statement some minutes before. She recognised that there was a real depth of emotion etched across his expression that was an unusual occurrence for her husband, but it was the clear lack of understanding he had as to why exactly she had chosen this particular point in time to impart her decision to him that she could feel keenly in his gaze. Sam knew she had to be honest with him now and to give him all the explanations she so desperately owed him, clearing up all his misconceptions and bewilderment along the way. The simple act of honesty had always been important to her, to the point whereby she had been informed on more than one occasion by former colleagues and such like that it was possible to be too honest, but she had always believed that this was a trait she shared with her husband, however much she hoped that her delivery of truth was less blunt that Dylan's own emotionally stunted kind.

Sam remembered all the times she had not corrected implications over her relationship with the man standing in front of her and she recalled how they had both spent half their martial time together not saying anything at all for fear of the truth being trigger that destroyed their relationship. However those simple acts had been derived from a sense of self-preservation and even though she had on rare occasions lied outright to a colleague or a friend, mainly to inform them that she herself was fine when it was far from the case, she had never once lied to Dylan and had no intention of starting now.

"Are you expecting me to say something Samantha?" her husband asked coldly and with a familiar sense of detachment from the emotiveness of her earlier words despite his expression belying this lack of interest in the conversation. "Because I don't see that you are giving me any say in this and therefore you could at least do me the courtesy of explaining what the hell is going on."

"We need to initiate the divorce proceedings," she replied, wincing inwardly at the harsh tone he had used towards her. "We can cite my unreasonable behaviour as grounds for the divorce," she added, hoping that this would appease a man who never wanted to admit being at fault either professionally or personally. "I'm not going to fight you for anything either," she continued. "This isn't about the money or Dervla or whatever. I need to be able to start again and I can't do that whilst we're still stuck in limbo like this."

"I don't want a divorce," he countered, sounding more like a petulant small child who wasn't getting his own way than a highly qualified medic.

"This isn't about what we want Dylan," Sam tried to explain. "This is about what we need. We can't keep going on like this, you must see that as much as I do," she continued earnestly.

"This is about him isn't it?" he responded irately, causing her to look at him in confusion. "Tom. Dr Kent," he elaborated with disdain as if that suddenly made his statement more logical. "I've see the way you look at him, all the little smiles and reassuring touches he's been giving you," he justified by way of explaining his anger. "What? You think I'm so oblivious that I wouldn't have noticed?" he questioned, but Sam couldn't bring herself to respond other than to simply shake her head. "Have you been trying to humiliate me or something? Is this your attempt at drunken retaliation?" he interrogated, voice almost at a shout. "Although quite what you have to take revenge for I'm not sure," he added, trailing off into thought before continuing pointedly. "Or are you back to sleeping with older men these days? You always did have a thing about sleeping with the boss didn't you?" he questioned slowly approaching her position on the table. "But having said that," he continued as he reached her. "That wasn't always the case was it Samantha?"

She instinctively found herself slapping his face before gasping at the realisation of what she had done and as Dylan's words echoed through her mind the tears that had been prickling at the back of eyes finally streamed silently down her face. Sam had never wanted to allow herself to cry in front of the man she loved again, but there was nothing she could do to prevent the occurrence of these tears at her husband's harsh reminder of their shared past and the mistakes she had made.

"That," she started through the tears. "That is unfair and you know it." She hated that Dylan would even think his assumptions could be true given all that they had been through, but she guessed that given it had been her fling that had triggered their separation in the first place she had not exactly provided him with many reasons to trust her on that score. "Nothing happened between me and Tom," she confirmed sadly. "Not because I didn't want it to, but because he put a stop to it out of respect for you, even though you've been nothing but awful to him recently," she justified. "He made me see that I wasn't ready to go there yet, because he could see what neither of us is ever going to admit to," she added with a determined edge to her voice. "That I'm not over you and I probably never will be. No one else will ever understand me the way you do and that's why it's killing me to be here with you every single day."

"Then why?" Dylan asked, still standing so close to her that she could almost feel his heart beating in his chest and she felt surprised that he was willing to break from his usual need to maintain a reasonable amount of personal space between them.

"We can't keep going on like this, that's why," Sam replied, staring him defiantly straight in the eye as it dawned across her that Dylan will always be her one, no matter how much distance she put between them. "And for the record, I'm not sleeping with Nick either," she added as a point of clarification.

"I know," Dylan said simply. "And I'm sorry for, well saying what I did. That was uncalled for, even I can see that."

"The great Dr Keogh admitting he is wrong?" Sam queried with a slight smile in spite of the circumstances. "That must be a first," she continued and received a stern, but warm, glare from her husband in reply. "Nick's more like a dad to me than anything else, I mean even the thought of going there makes me feel a little sick," she admitted sheepishly. "And as for implying there was something going on with Tom, I'm sorry for letting it go that far. I was just angry that's all and I guess I wanted to hurt you, but I was wrong," she explained. "Please don't make Mr Jordan and Tom pay for mistakes I've made in the past though, because they haven't actually done anything to deserve it. If anything, they've really been keeping an eye out for me since I got attacked."

"Like I should have been doing you mean," Dylan stated despondently. "I'm glad they've been there for you though," he added and reached his hand out briefly to touch her cheek, causing her to bend into his caress. "I know what you can be like when you're on your own." Sam couldn't help but think to herself that she should really inform him that she had actually pushed them all away, but on seeing how reassured her husband appeared to be that she had people to offer her friendship by her side she decided to spare him the worry. She was still struggling to deal with the complete confusion that she had seen on Tom's face when she had blanked him a short time before and the fact that she was not allowing her surrogate father to play his now preferred role any longer was also preying on her mind. Nonetheless she stood by the decision to keep them out of the situation as it now stood, because in the longer term she knew it would be the emotionally safest option for them all.

"You still haven't told me why you're suddenly bringing this all up now?" Dylan questioned. "I mean if it isn't anything to do with Dr Kent then what is with this sudden urgency to end our marriage? Surely you can give me an explanation for that at least." She watched the confusion at not knowing the probable cause for triggering this chain of events play out across his face.

"I'm leaving," Sam started slowly. "I'm going back to the army in three weeks' time and then I'm on the first plane back out to Bastian," she explained and saw the familiar glazed over expression descend across her husband that always occurred when she had ever mentioned her posting dates to Afghanistan. She had always been expecting him to meet this piece of news with blank dismissal and she thought back to the last time such a disclosure had occurred and the man had failed to speak to her for almost a week after hearing her words.

"You can't," he said, his voice thick with emotion and if Sam hadn't known him better she would have guessed that his furious blinking was to hold back tears that were threatening to fall. "I don't know what's the matter with you, I really don't. I get that sometimes I'm not the easiest man to be around, but the past few months I really thought we'd gotten close again. I mean I wasn't keen to have you around when you first arrived in Holby, I'm not going to lie to you on that score, but I got used to having you here and I actually quite liked it," Dylan stated matter-of-factly as if remembering and Sam was surprised by how open he was actually being with her in the circumstances. "And then one day you just shut me out like none of what we went through was even important and now you're telling me that you want a divorce and you're running off to war again, just like you've always done," he continued angrily. "Sometimes you're incredibly selfish Samantha and this is one of those times."

She physically retracted at the unexpected harshness of his words but despite the anger he was displaying she could see how broken he was from the look in his deep, absorbing eyes.

"I can't bear to watch you moving on Dylan," she responded dejectedly and staring him straight out. "But worse than that I can't bear the thought that me being your wife is holding you back and that's why I have to let you go. I still love you and that's why I know I need to set you free." Sam felt her devastation totally laid bare in front of the intensity of his gaze, but astonishingly felt stronger in spite of that. She knew that she had spent the majority of the past few years actively hiding how she felt about everything in her past from the world, but she remembered now quite how comforting it felt to allow her inner self to be exposed to her husband in such a manner, not that she had ever been able to hide from him how scarred she had always been even from that very first day.

There was a brief second of stillness in the room as the two of them stood practically in each other's footprint and Sam chewed at her bottom lip in anticipation of the words she had yet to say. However before she could speak Dylan cocked his head forward slightly and she found their lips clumsily brushing together momentarily before they both pulled away, bewilderment evident in both their expressions. Sam reached her hands up to her husband's chest, bringing them to rest on him softly, and found herself instantly brought into Dylan's embrace. His mouth met hers in a kiss as passionate as their very first, with one of his arms snaking round her back and drawing her closer into him as the other came up to her head, his fingers starting to run through her hair as he backed her towards the desk and leant in to gently lay her onto the table. Her mind went blank at the power of the feeling from the very heart of her, but on coherent thought exiting her mind Sam found herself drowning in the honesty of his touch.

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><p><span>Dylan Keogh<span>

Dylan stood deep in thought in the staffroom with the coffee in the mug clutched in his hand slowly cooling as it remained untouched. He had only made himself the drink in the first place as a distraction from the thoughts that were still buzzing through his mind from the earlier conversation with his soon to be ex-wife, officially at least. In truth he was certain that he would always consider Samantha the other half of himself in every way that counted, regardless of the legal status of their union.

Dylan reflected on his thoughts on hearing that his wife finally wanted to dissolve their marriage by initiating a divorce and how disappointed that he had been that she even felt the need to mention money, because in all honesty he couldn't bring himself to care if she cleaned him out. She was more than welcome to take it all with the exception of Dervla and he considered that they may have to come to a shared custody arrangement over the dog, but all he actually wanted was for her to take back the words and retract that she had asked him to make their separation permanent in the first place.

He recalled that he had felt like she had punched him in the stomach when she had clarified the reason for her sudden need to finalise things, but he had never been able to support her deployment to a warzone even in their closest moments. He had always known that one day he would lose her, but he had wanted that to be of her own volition not because she had been fatally wounded in a hellish location he had no comprehension of. His wife had always been the most courageous woman he had ever met and he doubted that would change even in the darkest of moments he knew would be left to come for him once she departed, but despite her strength of bravery Dylan remembered that one vulnerable moment where she had visibly broken in front of his eyes.

He thought back to all the times since Samantha had arrived in Holby that he had caught himself staring at her and even when he had allowed her feisty attitude and argumentative tongue to lead him into rebuking her he had still been able to see through her fiery outer exterior to the truth of young woman he knew he would never be able to save. That moment many years ago in the hospital where he had promised that if she ever grew confined by his presence in her life he would let her slip away without protest had been the hardest to make, because he had known he would never want to let her go but whilst it had hurt more than he could ever explain every time she had headed off to war without him by her side, he now knew that nothing could compare to the empty void he felt on losing her from her emotional attachment to his side

Dylan reflected on how worried he had been about her since she shut him out completely a few weeks back, but he had been pleased to see how she appeared to have let down some of her barriers and allowed herself to get close to people once again. He had to admit to himself that he had not been particularly keen on her choices at first, as the paramedics seemed slightly brash and sarcastic to him, the young female nurse whose name he could never recall was almost mute in his presence and her companionship with Dr Kent had forced him to face up to the possibility that she would one day move on from him with someone else. He knew that given his own disastrous attempt at friendship with Zoe he was not in a position to judge his wife's somewhat haphazard attempts at initiating such connections, but it had reassured him to hear her reference Mr Jordan's paternal relationship with her. He had been unduly harsh on her over her apparent relationship with their younger male colleague too, but following her assurances that what he believed to be true was far from the case, he now felt able to accept Dr Kent as his wife's friend.

He had to admit to himself that he still felt bewildered at quite how their colleagues had ended up in a physical dispute over her honour and wondered if his own behaviour after Samantha's hospitalisation some years before received a similar reaction from their colleagues back then. Dylan had found Dr Lyons and Nurse Andrews glee over the insurmountable level of gossip that had run through the E.D. on hearing about the altercation distasteful but he had had to remove himself back to CDU to prevent any chance that he would follow their Clinical Lead's attempt to seek justice for Dr Nicholls, something he was now grateful for on hearing that Dr Kent had actually done little to warrant such an assault.

Dylan recalled that he had noticed a sutured scar on his wife's arm as she had been informing him of the reality of her connection to the two other males in her life and had instantly considered the option that the raggedy nature of the stitches meant her fingertips may previously have danced over them in a hasty attempt at self-destruction. He knew all too well that she had an exceptional talent for such behaviour when the mood so took her to the point where he had once been frightened she would not be there when he woke up, but whilst he had always had that thought in the back of his mind since their initial separation he had not seen any indications of repeat incidences of it occurring until that moment. He still felt incredibly grateful that she now had companionship in the form of her colleagues to offer her the support he was concerned she might one day desperately need, but he knew that he would always want to be the one who was there to put her back together all over again if she ever stepped over that particular line.

He allowed his mind to travel back to the kiss, whereby his lips had met those of his wife in the purest of touches and he memorised the moment when he had run his fingers through her hair as he had always done when the two of them had been intimately involved. He recalled that when he made the trio of promises to her years before he had never realised that the vow not to allow a drop of alcohol to pass his lips again would be the easiest of the three, especially when his long medical career had demonstrated to him time and again how hard it was to break an addiction such as his own. However the idea of letting go of the woman he had just held in his arms in their Clinical Lead's office filled him with desolation, even though he remembered with a wry smile how she had remarked it felt as if they had broken an unwritten rule by making out on her father figure's desk both reddening with embarrassment at the thought they could have been caught in the middle of a passionate embrace.

Dylan finally took a slurp of his drink and winced as the cold liquid slid down his throat. He was reminded of the horrendous hospital coffee that had become his diet when he had remained by her bedside for almost a week, missing his exams in the process. Samantha had looked so young and small in the surgical bed that he would have promised her the earth to give her a future to focus on regardless of how hard he would then find it to keep some of those oaths he had made.

He remembered how she had told him when they had pulled apart from each other from their final position locked together on the chair in Jordan's office that she truthfully wished she was not going back to Afghanistan anymore, but before he had been able to make his protestations known that she could withdraw or decommission her posting if she felt that strongly, he had heard her utter the immortal words that he needed to accept that her leaving Holby permanently was the best thing for them both in the long-term. The fact that she was physically leaving, as well as emotionally withdrawing from him in every way that counted, had burned so hard that he had been close to tears and he could only hope he had managed to maintain his outward display of stoic decorum and that she had not been able to see the feeling in his eyes.

Dylan dragged himself out of his thoughts and after tipping the freezing liquid from his cup down the kitchen sink, he placed the mug on the draining board and made to depart the staffroom to return to the busy department. He found himself pausing in the open doorway before leaving for CDU and watched Zoe and Jordan across the space from him talking avidly out of earshot. Both of his colleagues fleetingly glanced over his direction upon recognising his presence, before averting their gaze almost instantaneously and their behaviour caused him to consider that it may well be his recent discussion with his wife that was the topic of their conversation, especially as he had established from the woman herself that their boss, Zoe and Tom had somehow confusingly come to know about her plans before she had felt the need to inform him.

He watched as Mr Jordan reached out to momentarily touch Zoe's arm and a small part of him considered that Dr Hanna herself may well be a little confused by the recent turn of events, but he knew she was an intelligent woman and capable of understanding the complexities of relationships far better than he ever could. He did hope that one day they could possibly re-establish their once firm friendship, but in the short term he was not prepared to prioritise that over spending time with his wife before her imminent departure. That was not to say that he did not feel a sense of guilt over his treatment of the woman he had begun to consider a friend, because even he was able to see how badly he had treated her but he curtly considered that Zoe was strong enough to deal with the situation she found herself in, however unreasonable other people may have seen that assumption. The fact that his wife had sought out the other woman's support for him in case he needed her to talk to on hearing the recent news had been quite a demonstration of how far he and Samantha had travelled from each other in recent months, because until he had said the words aloud he did not think she had actually realised it would always be her he chose to speak to, if he chose to speak to anyone at all.

Dylan saw the familiar figure of his wife appear from the corner of the department and watched her move as if a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders. He immediately recognised that she was keeping herself busy and blanking out everyone around her which had always been her stock response to dealing with anything vaguely emotional, but despite his own usual desire to act in a similar manner he realised he had unexpectedly felt the need to take time out from the E.D. to process the information he had been given and his much needed period of reflection in the staffroom had given him the time he required to gather his thoughts. Sam looked up and he met her wry smile with one of his own in return and enjoyed the slightly uplifting feeling he got on seeing her in a more positive frame of mind, knowing that despite her going off to war and the pain of the divorce, the past hour or so had brought them closer than he recalled them ever being in the last couple of years.

He remembered the bewildered look that had crossed Samantha's face when he had met her statement the kiss had been wrong because of his on-going entanglement with Zoe with the response that he had not actually been in a relationship with the other woman and that their hands had met in a gesture of understanding as he had explained to her that he would never regret that one tender moment of togetherness. She had questioned what was going on, a look of disbelief etched across her features, and he had truthfully informed her that he had never seen Dr Hanna as more than a friend. He had felt uneasy when Samantha had pushed him into confirming that there had never been anything more between them before she had apologised for feeling that she had the right to even ask the question in the first place.

The look on her face forced his hand to deny that anything had ever occurred because he could not see how telling her the events of the previous night would help given her upcoming departure date, but the weight of guilt he felt over his treatment of Zoe and the implications of this for his relationship with both her and his wife were still playing on his mind. He had always thought he was an honest person, his time under the influence of alcohol aside, but his definition of honesty was that a person should never lie and therefore it felt wrong to hide from Samantha that he had actually been with someone else, although he had to believe he was acting with the best of intentions, despite recognising in himself that these may well have been misguided. He was determined that she would never know he had broken that third and final promise to her, because it would destroy whatever closeness they had left. He had always believed that honesty was always the best policy, even when it was as blunt as he tended to be, but he recalled with bitter experience how hurtful it could be when someone you loved told you they had strayed, just as he had felt when his own wife had told him about her fling. He could not quite understand why being with Zoe had felt like straying when it was clear that his marriage had been over for some time, so he considered that Samantha must well have felt similarly to his current demeanour when she had confessed to him and it jarred that he was not affording her the same candour now that it was his turn to have betrayed her.

Dylan remembered that moment when they had exited Mr Jordan's office making a mutual agreement that they never wanted to be strangers from each other and agreeing that despite his usual reluctance to talk about anything vaguely bordering on emotional, they would need to take some time out to talk through everything before she left. He recalled that she had joked they both likely had more than enough leave to take a day off to spend together and how she had beamed on hearing his suggestion that they take Dervla for a long walk in the country before he cooked them dinner aboard the boat to afford them the luxury of time alone to work things through together.

He looked back across at her now as she walked across the room from the desk studying a patient file intently and came to a stop before she exited towards reception; turning slightly back around so he was able to see the level of concentration she was giving the paperwork in her hands. He had missed being able to watch her so freely in this manner without fear of her noticing and he reminded himself how beautiful the woman was that he would always refer to as his Samantha.

Suddenly she looked up as if distracted by something and Dylan registered the bewildered look etched across her face as she stared at him intently and once again he tried to reassure her with the smallest of half-smiles. Almost immediately a horrified expression descended down through her features and whilst Dylan was not close enough to her to understand why, the honesty of her expression cut through him like a knife, before she turned and fled from the department in sheer devastation. In the subsequent confusion every part of him wanted to follow but in truth he couldn't help but feel that it was something about him that caused her to bolt leaving him to pin his hopes on the thought that she had someone on the other side of those doors to offer her arms to run into, because in the state she appeared to have left in he wouldn't have wanted her to be alone.

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><p><strong>Yeah, I really had to leave it there didn't I? <strong>

**Thank you so much for reading and I hope you liked the update. This chapter is a bit of a turning point, because you might start to get some answers from next time as to what exactly is going on.**

**Reviews would always be welcome and the next update is likely to come in the middle of next week I think. Callie x**


	15. The definition of helpless

**Sorry this took a bit longer than anticipated to put up, but that is mainly because work has been like a manic yo-yo of highs and lows this week, oh and then I damaged my arm in an accident so yeah, the update nearly didn't get finished for a lot longer than this.**

**Thank you to everyone for your reviews of the last chapters, because you really do say some lovely things and it makes me smile each and every time I get a notification someone else has commented. This chapter is specifically for Anny, Meggi and Ficmouse - with a little extra note of thanks to Anny for titling the chapter for me when my thesaurus did not want to choose a suitable word. Oh and also a little mention to Rachel, who is sick this week (hope you feel better soon) for sending me a message and really convincing me to finish writing.**

**So here we go, the next update. I warn you its nearly 8000 words so brace yourselves! Callie xx**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of helpless**

_Helpless: adjective; unable to defend oneself or to act without help_

Sam Nicholls

Sam placed her hand on the handle of the staffroom door and took a deep breath before daring to venture inside. Despite the fact her shift had yet to officially start she was already exhausted both from the last few hours she had spent at work and the manner of her unexpectedly traumatic early morning wake-up call. In truth the last thing she wanted was to face the crowds of people that she knew would be the other side of this particular door, especially her ex-husband if he hadn't already scurried off to conceal himself for the day in CDU, but she knew that her complete disappearance from the E.D. for the last seven days would have done nothing to dampen the gossips' interest in her circumstances and for that turn of events alone she had to take sole responsibility.

She took a further deep breath to steady her nerves before purposefully opening the door and striding into the room without making eye contact and instead made directly for the kitchen to commence coffee making duties as she had promised her grateful colleague she would. Sam was not surprised at how full the staffroom was of fellow medics, but she found herself disappointed nonetheless that she had to face quite so many of them all at once. She caught Dylan's gaze momentarily before averting her stare from him instantly, knowing full well that he was one person she was not yet ready to deal with following what had occurred after their emotionally intense conversation the previous week.

Sam reached the kettle without incident and realised from the mixture of confusion and concern she had seen written across her colleagues' features that her presence that day had been every bit as unexpected to them as it had been to her. In her time away she had calculated that she actually had more than enough leave left to ensure she did not have to return to the department prior to her deployment but on this particular day it seemed as if fate had conspired against her on that score. She couldn't help but wonder though that given how stressful her morning had been thus far what that would mean for the likelihood of her getting through the remainder of the shift unscathed and had decided that unfortunately she would not have put bets on that being the case.

Sam found herself instinctively turning her back on the room as she put the kettle on and reached into the cupboards around the kitchen area for the various accoutrements she required to make the two hot drinks, but despite this she could still feel the eyes of the team upon her and could just make out the hushed chit-chat of a Scottish and Liverpudlian accent by the stools, realising immediately from the few snatched words she could hear that she was very much the focus of their quiet conversation.

"Are you alright?" a recognisable voice spoke from beside her and she looked around to see Tom standing next to her leaning back on the sideboard and studying her with earnest concentration. "I was worried about you," he added, his eyes filled with concern.

"I'm fine," Sam responded without hesitation or thought, reeling off her usual curt answer to such a question and turning her attention away from Dr Kent and back to her coffee making duties.

"I came round you know," Tom started, reaching out to touch her arm to bring her back into the conversation. She found herself turning back to look at him before staring at where his fingers lay on the bare skin above the scar on her arm, but before she could respond to his statement she caught sight of her husband glowering at her from the corner of the room and therefore again looked away, wondering whether her absence had caused Dylan to reconsider how truthful her indication of lack of interest in the other man had been when they last spoke. "I knocked a few times actually," Tom continued on receiving no response, but moving his hand away regardless. "I wasn't sure if you'd gone away or something," he added shyly.

"No," Sam answered brusquely. "I was in. I just chose not to answer the door," she elaborated and deliberately refused to meet the gaze of the man who was expressing such interest in her life. The week off had been as unanticipated to her as it had been to the entire department, but once she had been free of their unwelcome intrusion into her life she had found it easiest to turn off her phone, keep the door firmly locked and to determinedly ignore the efforts to contact her that a frightening amount of her colleagues had actually attempted. In the intervening week she had only made one daily departure from her flat, notably to go for a run to regain her pre-assault fitness levels before she flew out to Helmand in a matter of a fortnight's time, but it had not actually come as a surprise to her that on returning home on each occasion she found that a familiar person had gained entry to her place of residence and provided her with much required essential supplies, him knowing full well that she would not have bothered to shop herself when she was feeling quite this bad.

In spite of the palpable anger she felt towards him, it had made her smile regardless when she had seen the instantly recognisable form of him and his dog as they walked away from her flat on one specific day, but it had been the knowledge that he had possibly been the one person who realised she had not actually gone on holiday rather stayed at home alone that saddened her, as she knew any chance they had once had at even sustaining such a closeness and developing a friendship had now been irreparably destroyed. Much to her disappointment in spite of everything that had occurred Dylan had not stuck around on any of the occasions he had popped in whilst she was out and she wondered whether perhaps he had understood quite why she had fled from him the previous week, despite her having left without offering him such an explanation. Sam recalled that with the exception of phoning Mr Jordan to advise him of her intention to take leave and dealing with the army and her solicitor, she had barely spoken aloud all week until opening her door that morning. Even in bringing that memory to mind however she promptly pushed away thoughts of her solicitor, desperate not to remember the horrendous meeting when she had been forced to relive the numerous misdemeanours that had led to the conception and subsequent breakdown of her marriage.

Sam was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of a commotion behind her and she heard the distinctive tones of her Clinical Lead as he entered the room and berated Dr Lyons for his sloppy attire and dishevelled look, a comment which had caused her to cock her head instantly in his direction to check out the state of her much maligned colleague who it transpired was sitting on a stool with Linda almost implanted onto his lap in spite of the indication from their boss moments before that the situation looked highly unprofessional.

"Ah, Dr Nicholls," Mr Jordan stated from the doorway. "How nice of you to join us today. I was beginning to wonder if you'd left us already," he continued and Sam winced at the sarcasm evident in his tone but proffered no blame in his direction for that given her recent unannounced absence.

"Actually some of us have been at work for hours," she responded, matching his acerbic attitude with her own and turning round to glare at him defiantly. "I didn't exactly get much choice in the matter," she added more sulkily, remembering her own earlier argument with those who had arrived on her doorstep that morning. "Paul Ellis was released from custody last night," she added by way of elaboration, seeing the look of confusion that crossed her colleagues' faces on hearing her words.

"Paul Ellis?" Nick queried from where he had stood motionless since gaining her attention. "The man who attacked you and his wife?" he asked, immediately causing the entire staff group to stare at her in concern.

"The very same," she replied simply. "He went to the Crown Court yesterday and got released on bail pending the outcome of his court case," she clarified for the benefit of those who were not as familiar with what was occurring in relation to her assault. "Before promptly going round and attacking his wife again," she continued and received a gasp from some of those present in response. "Apparently he beat her around the head with a saucepan and then gave her a good kicking. Paramedics brought her in at about 3am, she's still through in resus at the moment, but it isn't looking that good for her right now. She's in a pretty bad way," she finished, her voice trailing off.

"What about the boy?" Tom questioned, breaking the silence that had descended across the room as Sam tried to bury herself back in her thoughts to avoid thinking about the horror the woman would have endured at the hands of the man who had similarly assaulted her and their colleagues undoubtedly started to process the implications of her words.

"He's alright," Sam stated with little emotion. "He's in paed's resus waiting for a social worker to pick him up. He's not got anyone else apparently, poor little bugger," she explained and cast a sympathetic look in the direction of Dr Kent, remembering the time immediately before her own attack when Tom had been the doctor in charge of monitoring the small child. The look of devastation in his eyes at the thought of the little boy being left all alone in the world got to her, in spite of her determination to push this case out of her mind, and she felt the need to offer him an apologetic look for her earlier harsh words.

"And are you okay?" Nick probed from across the room, piercing through the mumblings she could hear about the lack of justice people could see in the situation. "It must have come as quite a shock to you after what happened," he elaborated, but making a point that she instinctively refused to acknowledge.

"What came as a shock was being woken up at 4:30 this morning by the police practically battering down my door to check that I was alright," Sam responded pointedly, eliciting a horrified reaction from her colleagues in reply. "Apparently the delightful Mr Ellis decided to tell the world he was out to get everyone involved in the case, which given he then half killed his wife the police think might be a viable threat," she added as a statement of fact and tried to ignore the hellish throbbing pain that filled her side from the still healing rib fractures the violent man had already inflicted on her once before.

"Well that means we are on high alert then," Nick Jordan stated confidently, as if trying to assert some authority back over the situation. "What with you and Mrs Ellis both in the department I would assume that makes this place a likely target for him," he expanded, looking to her to offer him confirmation she did not feel able to give. "And obviously given the circumstances you can't have anything to do with the woman or her treatment," he continued and she rolled her eyes without thinking in reply.

"She," Sam snapped back at him, gesturing towards the female who was hovering behind the Clinical Lead in the doorway. "She has been making that quite clear to me for the last few hours."

"I couldn't sleep again," Dr Hanna said softly in Nick's direction as she fully entered the room in a statement Sam could only assume related to Zoe's own early presence in the department that morning. She wondered if the cause of the woman's insomnia had anything to do with Dylan and contemplated whether Dr Hanna had stayed true to her word to offer Dr Keogh some comfort after she had delivered the news about her impending departure and the divorce. That thought had been one that had remained swirling through her mind in the past seven days, but in truth she had decided that it would be easier not to allow herself to care, especially as she still could not comprehend quite how dramatically the ground had shifted from underneath her right at the point when she had thought she had started to make headway in resolving her outstanding issues with her husband.

"The police have advised they will remain present in the department today," Zoe explained and Sam realised that she had not listened to any of the spiel the older woman had been spouting to bring their colleagues up to speed with the situation as she saw it.

"Does this affect anyone else except Sam?" Lenny questioned from his position behind Linda, causing the entire room's attention to swing towards the two of them and the nurse to finally remove herself from her seated position on his lap. "I was just thinking, wasn't it Tom who chased after him and treated his kid last time?" he added as an additional point and from the corner of her eye Sam saw the realisation of this dawn across Dr Kent's face.

"And Scarlett," Lloyd butted in, startling Sam with his slightly panicked tone. "She said she was listed as a witness in the case," he added hastily to demonstrate the importance of the fact that Nurse Conway was not yet present in the room. Sam opened her mouth to respond to him, but could not find the appropriate words and on seeing that Zoe was about to speak she decided to allow her the opportunity to clarify things and instead busied herself finishing the two mugs of coffee that had remained half prepared.

"She's in cubicles and she's fine," Dr Hanna answered him certainly. "Sam brought her in with her this morning and I assure you she is just a little shaken," she confirmed.

"And you were at the gym," Sam chipped in quietly; barely audible to anyone bar Tom she was sure. "The police said they would keep an eye on you there because it was so close to the hospital." She glanced in his direction briefly and he met her gaze with a slight smile of thanks before she refocused on stirring the steaming liquid she had poured into the mugs in front of her.

Sam recalled the moment she had knocked on Scarlett's door accompanied by the four police officers who had almost broken into her own home a matter of half an hour earlier. Scarlett had looked nearly scared to death on seeing them all standing there when she had opened the door in very sweet baby pink pyjamas, but it had only been the thought of using the police to establish the young nurse's address that had caused Sam to agree to stay under their protection in the first place. She still couldn't quite comprehend why Scarlett's safety had been the only coherent thought she had been able to consider until the girl was securely with them, but it had been at that moment she recalled her attention had turned to Tom and the police convoy had taken them to his address where a neighbour had informed them he had left for an early morning gym session shortly before. She remembered the sense of relief she had felt on seeing her male colleague working up a sweat on the running machine and how she had stood there watching him flirt with the woman working out beside him, amusement etched across her face at his attempts at physical humour as he fooled around, before pointing him out to the police officer and then leaving them to it as she and Scarlett were driven into work still two hours ahead of their scheduled arrival time.

Sam took a sip from the steaming liquid in her cup before she was distracted by the appearance in the room of the young woman from her thoughts.

"Coffee as promised," she said kindly to the anxious looking girl who smiled reassuringly in response as she gratefully took the second drink from her hands. "I'm warning you it's quite sugary though," she added. "Very good for shock apparently," she elaborated with a slight smile of her own, as she caught sight of Mr Jordan preparing to recommence the daily staff briefing from the other side of the room.

"I'm frightened," Scarlett whispered, so quietly that Sam could barely make out the words, but she found herself instinctively propelling the vulnerable woman towards where Lloyd was seated, catching his eye and gesturing that he should move up so his fellow nurse could sit beside him.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you," Sam found herself whispering back. "And neither is he," she added, directing her eyes at the man who she had long since realised had a bit of a crush on the worried female. "I'm not telling you to let him take over," she justified, leaning in to be sure that only Nurse Conway would be able to hear her. "But let him be there for you, he was really worried about you when he thought you might have been in danger," she finished and as she leant back she was pleased to see Scarlett nod in acknowledgement before leaning in slightly to Lloyd's arm and allowing him to offer her a degree of comfort.

Sensing that her work there was done, Sam headed towards the exit of the room and went to squeeze between where the two senior doctors stood talking in the doorway.

"Dr Nicholls, where exactly do you think you're going?" Nick questioned disapprovingly.

"I have patients," she replied dismissively and continued to attempt to leave the room, ignoring his attempts to prevent her departure.

"I know you and Dr Keogh seem to have an aversion to attending these briefings," Mr Jordan almost hissed in her direction, causing Zoe to all but jump at his tone from beside them. "But given this one is most likely to be taken up by discussing your safety I would appreciate it if you at least tried to pretend you were interested," he added with irritation.

"I'm fine," she found herself snapping back in response, feeling a sudden need to be defensive and put herself back in control of the situation.

"To be fair Sam, you've already been assaulted by him once and I know what a state you were in after that," Zoe chimed in and despite not wanting to lose her cool, Sam found the anger rising inside of her at the implication that she couldn't take care of herself despite the realisation deep within her that actually that appeared closer to the truth than she had ever allowed it be since that fateful day many years before.

"You know what," she started with a shout; almost scaring herself with the volume of her own voice and knowing that the entire staff group would now be staring in her direction. "If you think I'm going to stand here being scared of him then you obviously don't know me at all," she argued, desperately trying to cover how defenceless she felt in that very moment. "And just so you know, I never let anyone get the better of me twice, ask him if you don't believe me," she stated pointedly, gesturing in the direction of Dylan on the other side of the room. "So if Mr Ellis does decide to come back and haunt me this time I'll be ready for him" she added defiantly, almost willing her words to be a provocation for Nick.

There was a loud noise from the other side of the room as Dylan pushed his chair back and it scraped along the floor as he stood up. At the moment he had the attention of the entire team whether he wanted it or not he simply stared her straight in the eye before turning and exiting without a word or expression. The anger she had felt towards him until that moment was immediately replaced with disappointment on seeing him walk away when all she wanted was for him to hold her and tell her this nightmare situation would soon be over, given that she was certain he must have known from her words quite what memories she had been unable to quell since her assault some ten days before.

She was distracted from her thoughts once again, but this time by the touch of Nick Jordan placing his hand on her arm similarly to how Tom had done just minutes before and she looked up at him, trying to push her emotions down inside her and remain composed, outwardly at least.

"I don't know what is going on with you right now," Nick murmured in her direction. "You've been gone all week without so much as a reason and I've tried to be understanding and give you space to sort out whatever it is that is going on, but I can't have you shooting your mouth off like that in this hospital," he explained. "It's not professional and I can't just stand here and let you kick off like this," he added, berating her for her attitude.

"Do you know what," Sam started but was cut off before she could get any further.

"My office now Dr Nicholls," Mr Jordan ordered, finally appearing tired of her insolence.

"And if I don't comply?" Sam queried, the merest hint of sarcasm in her tone and knowing full well that she was pushing the boundaries as far as she was able. "What are you going to do? Suspend me? Sack me?" she asked emphatically. "I mean, I'm guessing they all know I'm leaving anyway," she added, gesticulating wildly into the room and catching sight of the worried looks across her colleagues' faces once again. "Five more shifts," she stated simply. "Five more shifts in this poxy E.D. and then I am out of here, so you know what? You can do what you like because it won't make the damn little bit of difference."

"Five more shifts?" Tom questioned from his position back over by the kitchen area, confusion apparent as to where her newfound deadline had come from.

"Yeah," Sam replied confidently, staring out her colleagues in the room with defiance. "The Trust have agreed to let me go a week early for pre-deployment training so soon enough I'll be out of here," she explained.

"My office now Dr Nicholls and I'm not taking no for an answer," her boss shouted from beside her and she rolled her eyes at him again in response, pretending not to be the slightest bit bothered by the worsening slanging match she had initiated but wishing like hell she could just run away. She really had not had any intention of returning to work before the newly brought forward leaving date until the police had knocked on her door and she had known that if she had failed to follow their instructions not only was it likely that Scarlett and Tom would have remained unprotected, but she also would have had either Nick, Tom or worse still Dylan on her doorstep refusing to leave within a matter of hours.

She stormed out of the room without looking back and found herself walking straight towards the Clinical Lead's office in spite of what she had just said and wondered quite what her colleagues had made of her incredibly erratic behaviour. She knew that she had gone from the depressive withdrawal of a week ago to the angry irrational and confrontational person she had just become almost without warning and to say she was counting down the days until her departure with increasing welcome was an understatement. Coming back to work had felt alien to her, the suffocating pressure of the police presence was overwhelming and the memories of her past the whole mess was invoking was stirring up feelings she had thought were long since buried, but despite all of that it was seeing her husband and watching him walk out of the door that had been just that bit too hard for her to bear.

Sam had always prided herself on being the strong one, the one who could take care of herself and others in a crisis situation, but despite that she remembered exactly what it felt like to be completely helpless, vulnerable to both physical pain and emotional stress simultaneously and reliant on someone else to protect you from further harm. In all of her last few years with Dylan she had promised she would never allow herself to feel quite that helpless ever again and for that reason she was scared beyond words by quite how frightened she felt even at the thought of him no longer being by her side.

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><p><span>Nick Jordan<span>

Nick sat staring at the vulnerable young woman in front of him feeling incredibly grateful that she had finally calmed down enough to remain seated following their earlier confrontation in the staffroom, but worried about her regardless. Even before she had come close to losing it in front of everyone he had realised that there was something very wrong with the girl, her messy, unkempt hair and ridiculously pale complexion would have given that away even if her demeanour had not later done the same. He could not help but think that it was beyond belief quite how many times the two of them had sat in silence in the same position over recent weeks and in truth he became more and more anxious about her every single time.

There had been that one moment in the staffroom which had given him hope, when he had grabbed hold of her arm to try and anchor her back into the room but instead had his attention taken by the sight of the nearly healed scar on her lower arm, which appeared to have been well cared for and despite the sutures being removed it was clear that this had been done in a managed fashion rather than Sam's erratic previous attempts to cause herself intentional harm.

Nonetheless he recalled the confusion he had felt the previous week on being informed that the young woman he had seen emerge happily from his office fresh from a conversation with her husband had run out of his department in tears less than an hour later, but that initial bewilderment had quickly spread to concern when she had phoned in the following day and advised him that she intended to take leave until further notice. Her dismissive tone on hearing his questions had only increased his levels of anxiety, especially as he had been far from sure that it had just been his treatment of Tom that had caused her to withdraw from him so visibly.

If he allowed himself to reflect on the situation he found himself feeling fairly certain that Sam had not intended to cause himself or her worried colleague's such stress in her absence from work, because he was sure that she actually would never have considered she would cause such an impact on those around her. Nick deliberated that the girl seemed to have a complete inability to understand how to relate to people around her for any period of time, but he could not be sure whether her lack of comprehension of the consternation she had caused was due to the strange innocence she had about her or that due to her lack of ability to trust anyone enough to let them in, she perceived people's thoughts about her through similarly jaded eyes.

He himself had attended her flat on more than one occasion in the past seven days after obtaining her home address from her emergency file and whilst he had been certain that she was in on most of those times, short of breaking down her door there had been very little he thought he could do to ensure her safety. He recalled that on one of his visits he had seen Dr Keogh and his ever faithful canine companion entering the building that housed Sam's flat with a number of shopping bags and he remembered how he had awkwardly remained in his vehicle across the road to witness Dylan's hasty departure some minutes later minus the items he had arrived with bar the dog. Nick had thought back to that moment several times since and due to the lack of time the visit had taken he had come to the conclusion that Dr Nicholls had not been present in her apartment when her husband had visited, so therefore Dylan had purely been providing a grocery delivery service. The complexities of the Keogh marriage were lost on him though, as even despite Sam's disclosures in recent weeks Nick was no further forward to establishing exactly where the two of them stood and nor would he have wanted to be that involved. Yet he found there to be something as hopeful as it was intriguing in Sam's ex-husband even having a key to a place he had never resided in and how he was continuing to look out for her even though it appeared she had already turned her back on the man.

At work Nick had found it increasingly difficult to deal with Dylan as his mood's deteriorated and his cantankerous demeanour had worsened on an almost hourly basis. If it had been anything other than worry for Sam that had caused his behaviour Nick would have been unsympathetic to the man who had caused Zoe so much heartache, but he had found himself wanting to empathise with the one person he knew missed Sam's presence in the department even more acutely than he did himself.

Nick allowed his thoughts to turn to Dr Hanna and how he had started to build bridges with her despite their recent earthshattering argument. He had taken her for a drink almost every day after work and they had drowned their sorrows over the mess that was Sam and Dylan's marriage, whilst he had also enjoyed just spending some one on one time with her, just as they had always done so frequently in the past. He was still far from certain that their relationship was anywhere near being in a state of repair, but he guessed that for her he provided the reassurance of a non-judgemental friendly shoulder to cry on in the face of the blatant disregard Dylan had chosen to show her in the past week. Nick remembered listening to her talk about how she felt about the sorry state of affairs and had grown more certain by the day that Zoe would be able to shake herself out of her own withdrawn mood once she had gotten her recent foray into romantic liaisons with her colleague out of her system.

It was a measure of how much things had changed in Sam's absence that he had allowed himself to be momentarily distracted from thoughts of his wounded daughter-figure by the consideration that one day he and Zoe may well be able to rebuild a future of their own, but even on allowing that thought to cross his mind he had dismissed it as being something they could not even begin to consider at that moment, not least because Zoe had been so incredibly worried about her missing colleague in spite of their recent poor relationship.

Nick recalled that it had in fact been Dr Hanna who had followed him out of the staffroom as soon as he had finished briefing his staff on the upcoming shift and she had tried to calm him down before he had made it to his office to confront Dr Nicholls. There had been one point she had made, in that it seemed to her as if Sam did not care what happened to herself and that the girl was not particularly bothered by the risk of being viciously attacked for the second time in two weeks, but it had been enough to cause him to pause and think. He had felt genuinely frightened at Sam's behaviour in the staffroom, not because she posed a physical threat to him but due to her being so incredibly withdrawn and shut down. He accepted without question that the girl he knew would be quite likely to lash out verbally when faced with a situation that provoked an emotion in her, but it had been the lack of coherence and abject rudeness she had demonstrated in her arguments that had caused him to realise something drastic had changed within her.

The girl's announcement that she was leaving his team for good in a matter of five shifts had been greeted with astonishment by the remainder of the team, although if Nick was honest with himself he had been more surprised by her presence in the first place. However given her state that morning he doubted the army was the best place for her to be in the near future, as although he could see her physical fitness appeared to be returning and she was now walking without the obvious restraints of someone who had been recently assaulted, her mental health had deteriorated and the erratic rollercoaster of behaviour he himself had witnessed was all the proof he needed that something was still very wrong. The fact that she had totally shut him out had just added to the general sense of helplessness he felt about the entire situation, but that had not prevented him trying to establish quite how best he could go about helping her.

Nick recalled that when he had made it up to his office some minutes after she had stormed out of the staffroom it had pleased him to see that despite her annoyance she had done as asked and was waiting for him. Nonetheless Sam had been far from settled and had been pacing back and forth across the carpet in front of her usual seat as if her life depended on it and had glowered at him darkly when he had stepped over the threshold of his own office doorway.

Her initial lack of speech had worried him given the anger she had directed towards him only a short time before, but he remembered that when he tried to reason with her she had seemed entirely untouched by his words, almost as if his communication with her had gone straight over her head. He knew that he had resorted to shouting at her harshly purely to get her to listen to him and had grabbed her arm quite loosely in an attempt to shake her back into listening, but the regret he had felt for his actions on seeing her visibly flinch away from him in fright had almost broken his heart as it would never have been his intention to cause her pain or distress.

Despite that however, it had been this piercing of her consciousness that had finally woken her up to his presence at her side and caused her to acknowledge him, even if that had then led to her turning a tirade of abuse to him in response. He recalled that it had not actually been her anger that had thrown him, more the words that had tumbled from her mouth at such speed he had barely been able to keep up. He knew that she had come close to lashing out at him as she screamed at him that she would never be able to forgive him for what he had done, a concept which had seemed to inexplicably perplexing that he had barely had the chance to process it before the seething resentment the girl herself had been emitting disintegrated into a distressing silence as he watched her tip over into an all-consuming sadness. The tears that he had watched silently stream down her face would haunt him for the longest time, of that he was certain, but he remembered how deeply uncomfortable he had felt in watching her collapse into her usual chair looking every inch the vulnerable daughter and much less the army medic that he knew she needed to be within the matter of a fortnight.

The incomprehensible behaviour he had witnessed over the short time he had been with Dr Nicholls that morning had finally started to make sense to him though when through the tears Sam had stated with a level of devastation Nick could barely recognise that she knew about Zoe and Dylan's night together, despite his own adamant stance that no-one bar himself and the two parties concerned were aware of the circumstances of that particular liaison. His heart had broken on hearing her directly inform him that she could not forgive him for trying to cover it up and that she would never be able to trust his word again. The absolute certainty in her tone had upset him at the thought he might really have lost her confidence for good and therefore isolated her even further than she had been before and he had found himself instinctively squatting down in front of her, taking her hand in his own as he tried to offer her even the most minimal degree of comfort.

He remembered the feeling of relief that had flooded through him when she had not immediately shaken him off and had instead felt her fingers flicker ever so slightly to grasp at his own, as he witnessed her shut her eyes to close out the room around her and nervously bite at her bottom lip with a saddened frown spreading across her face. The two of them had stayed motionless for quite some time with him gently squeezing her hand and considering all his available options for trying to get the girl to open up.

"Lean on me Sam," he whispered to her as his thoughts finally dissipated and he attempted to pull her back into the room. Her eyes snapped open and it hurt him to see quite how empty they appeared to be, never having seen her look quite so disconnected from the world around her until that moment. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on, but I was trying to protect you," he explained as softly as he could, hoping desperately not to alarm her further. "I thought it was for the best," he added sadly.

"I leaned on Dylan once," Sam responded reluctantly, staring over his head to the opposite wall with her eyes appearing unseeing. "I let him rescue me," she added much to Nick's surprise as he pondered what could possibly have occurred in the young doctor's past that had required her husband to save her. "But everything has been a mess ever since and I can't do that again, not even with you," she elaborated despondently, finally returning her gaze to him. "I have to do it on my own this time. I don't need you to look out for me," she insisted.

"You are allowed to need people you know," Nick interjected with more force than he had originally intended, causing the tears that had stemmed to reappear in Sam's eyes. "You have a lot of people here who want to help you if you'd just let them in."

"No," she responded confidently, her tone belying the expression she was displaying.

"Is this about Mr Ellis?" Nick questioned, changing his technique slightly, but receiving no more than a glare in response. "Are you frightened? Because I won't let him hurt you, you know."

"I'm not scared," Sam snapped back at him, finally loosening her grasp on his fingers and shaking his hand away. "You really don't get it do you?" she asked pointedly, wiping her eyes and fixing her earlier defiant look back across her face. "Dylan lied to me," she added as if that should explain everything, before shrugging her shoulders at him in exasperation. "I hate that he lied to me," she continued, the level of her voice rising dramatically. "I don't trust people, hell I don't even like people most of the time," she shouted, "but he promised me that he would always tell me the truth and he lied to me." There was a momentary pause as Nick watched Sam steady her nerves with a deep breath and concern rapidly grew in him as he sensed she was near to disclosing something important.

"I trusted someone once," she started, taking him almost off guard with the quietness of her tone. "As well as Dylan I mean," she continued in clarification and Nick could tell from the look in her eyes that she was remembering a time from her past with fearful distress. "And Ash, well this person, well things didn't go so well and Dylan promised me that he would always be honest with me so I knew where I stood," she explained, obviously struggling with the weight of the memory. "He was always the only person I ever trusted and he's blown it completely," she finished without really saying anything at all.

"Maybe he was trying to protect you, did you think of that?" Nick questioned, trying to push from his mind the thought of this Ash, whoever he or she was, from Sam's past betraying her trust and hurting her so deeply that she was struggling with it and close to the edge of tears in front of him right now.

"We spent our whole marriage avoiding having a proper conversation because neither one of us wanted to tell the truth and admit that we were far from fine, but he never lied to me," Sam stated simply. "I confessed to him that I had an affair because I couldn't bear to look him in the eye even though I knew I would destroy everything I love, but he just lied to me like it was the easiest thing in the world. I know I have no right to expect anything from him but I never thought he'd go back on his word, especially when he knows how much it meant to me."

"Sam," Nick said breaking the hushed silence that had descended on the room following her words moments before. "I really don't think he meant to hurt you," he attempted to justify the other man's apparent lack of insight into the situation.

"I never said he hurt me," she responded, shutting down in front of his eyes once again. It had begun to concern him more and more throughout their conversation that her attitude and emotional state yo-yoed up and down seemingly at will. "You know what?" Sam asked aloud, standing up suddenly and almost knocking him over in the process. "I don't care anymore, I don't care about any of it. You can all go to hell," she argued sharply.

"I know that isn't true Sam," Nick responded instantly, forcing himself to stand up as well despite the pain shooting through his knees from being in a squatting position for so long. "No, listen to me," he continued, preventing her from speaking before he could explain. "If you really didn't care you wouldn't have shot round to Scarlett's this morning because you were worried about her, would you?" he asked, eliciting a shrug from her in response. "You really looked out for her this morning, why won't you let me do the same for you?"

"Because I can't," Sam replied with sadness evident in both her tone and features and Nick felt tears prickling at the back of his own eyes at just how useless he felt in front of the vulnerable woman's despair.

"What happened to you eh?" Nick queried, reaching out and touching the underside of her chin with his fingers, drawing her gaze back onto him. "Why won't you let me help you?"

Sam brought her own hand up to his, grasping it tightly before removing it from where it had laid on her skin. The two of them stood locked together by their fingers for a matter of seconds, before Sam dropped him from her touch and backed away.

"I'm sorry," she stated as a statement of fact rather than with any real emotion. "Five more shifts and then I'm out of here," she continued with increasing defiance. "I don't need you anymore," she ended with a shout before moving to walk past him, bumping into his side slightly as she headed out and exited the room.

Nick continued to stand motionless in the middle of his office staring at the space where the young woman had just stood and realised he had never felt quite so helpless in the face of such despondency. There had been the briefest of moments where he had been convinced she would let him in and tell him something of what this Ash had done to her in the past that had caused her to shut down her emotions so tightly, but as quick as that expectation had arisen Sam had closed it off just as suddenly. The fact that he had gotten so close to her confiding in him but then had somehow blown his chance weighed down so heavily on him he thought he might actually crumble under the pressure.

It was only at that moment when he felt a drop of water land on his finger tip that he recognised that he was crying, tears silently falling from his eyes just as they had done Sam's a short time before. Nick knew his affection for the broken girl went far beyond that of a normal working relationship, but quite when he had begun to love her as a father would his daughter he would never know. All he did know for definite was that there was one other person who would be able to help him understand, but despite that person's outward demeanour Nick was certain that they felt just as helpless as he himself did right now.

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><p><strong>Okay, so there you go. Another update done and dusted, I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews would be very welcome, because they make me smile alot. I should have the next update of both this and my other fic with you in a few days, but yeah, thanks for reading. It does mean so much.<strong>

**Callie x**


	16. The definition of vulnerable

**Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed, tweeted or PM'd me about the last chapter. Sorry the updates aren't coming up as fast as hoped, but what with working full time and juggling two fics I seem to have taken on quite a lot at the moment. Anyway, your support for this fic and my writing never fails to make me smile - especially because some of you have been really lovely!**

**This update is dedicated to all of you who have messaged me this week (you know who you are), with extra special mentions going to Ficmouse, Meggi and of course Anny - who has kept me company online this week through many a 3/4am work session. This one is for you!**

**So here we go, the next chapter.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of vulnerable**

_Vulnerable: adjective; exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally_

Zoe Hanna

Zoe stubbed out her second cigarette in matter of minutes and went to take out a third from the packet that had remained in her hand throughout her break. However as she opened the box and started to remove yet another white stick she cursed herself silently for smoking too much and instead shoved the packet back into the pocket of the blue cardigan she was wearing over the top of her scrubs. Zoe had never really taken any notice of criticism over the amount of nicotine and tobacco that she used to get herself through a difficult shift, but in the last ten days or so since Dr Nicholls had been assaulted even she had realised that she was smoking far too much these days, a fact she was sure was directly linked to the stress of the circumstances she found herself in with Sam, Dylan and Nick.

Zoe leant back against the wall next to the entrance of the E.D. and wondered with despondency quite how it had all come to this. Until that morning she had been reasonably certain that when and if Sam returned to the department from her self-imposed isolation things would begin to return to a semblance of normality, but having witnessed the young woman's erratic behaviour upon them both making an early arrival at work that day her hope of that had diminished substantially.

She recalled how difficult that first encounter between the newly returned Dr Nicholls and her colleagues had been in the staffroom that morning as the girl had appeared to literally lose the plot in front of their very eyes whilst also seeming to make every effort possible to provoke an irate reaction from their Clinical Lead. It had been crystal clear to her, especially in light of the young woman's apparent apathy towards the reaction to her sudden disappearance, that Nick had been livid about Sam's attitude towards everything that was occurring and Zoe remembered exiting the staffroom in his wake to prevent him from giving the other female doctor both barrels of his anger, especially as she had known he would regret it almost instantaneously if he did.

It wasn't as if Sam's defiance in the face of colleagues showing her care had not grated on Zoe as well she considered, more to the fact that it seemed to her that despite the real and present danger the young woman was in she had shown little care or interest in the risk Mr Ellis posed to her and it had almost seemed an irrelevance that she may likely be subject to a second vicious assault. She had found Sam's complete lack of comprehension of the situation mind-blowing, as although she felt she knew the girl well enough to hazard a guess that she would hate to feel vulnerable, her reckless indifference to her own safety was alarming and Zoe knew instinctively from the way the woman had presented and the small snippet of conversation she had heard her direct towards Dylan that there had been something in her past that had caused her to act so irrationally when faced with such a threat.

Zoe allowed herself to bring to mind Dr Keogh on remembering his hasty exit from the staffroom when Sam had referenced something he may recall from their time together and sighed at the apparent awkwardness of the situation between herself and the man she had once considered a potential partner, to the point where she now felt unable to question him directly over how he was coping with the current set of circumstances. She was certain that Dylan had actually been avoiding her over the last week, despite their agreement that they both valued the close friendship they had come to share and whilst she was also sure she was not emotionally equipped as yet to take on the baggage that came with resolving the issues between him and his wife she also knew that she was not prepared to stand on the sidelines and continue to let everything fall apart.

She recalled the moment that herself and Nick had seen Dylan and Sam return to the department following an apparently intense, and long overdue, conversation in the Clinical Lead's office seven days previously and the relief at clearing the air that was evident on both party's features had been so apparent as to be obvious to the waiting doctors. Despite Zoe knowing that the topic of the couple's discussion must have been serious and heated at best, she thought back to how Sam's eyes had been lit up and the genuine smile she had shot back in the direction of Dylan as they broke apart on their return to work. However it had only been a short time later, not long in fact after Nick Jordan had attempted to offer Zoe herself some comfort over the recent turn of events, that she had been made aware that Sam had inexplicably fled from the department in tears. Dylan had been unreachable ever since that particular moment, his demeanour coloured by an increasingly bad temper and the young girl had failed to reappear at work for an entire week as a direct result, meaning that whilst to date Zoe remained unsure exactly what had occurred between husband and wife that afternoon it appeared that any chance of them happily reconciling and Sam remaining present in Holby for the foreseeable future had been destroyed.

Zoe felt her stomach rumble as she stood lost in thought against the wall of the E.D. and wondered with disinterest quite why she had chosen not to eat lunch that day, before reminding herself that she had come outside under the pretence of needing a cigarette mainly to avoid the endless questions and gossip that were littering the staffroom since Dr Nicholls' earlier meltdown. Her only other option for a lunch venue had been the office, but somehow sitting down to eat at Nick's desk had not seemed appropriate, despite how many times she had grabbed a sandwich there in the past as she wrote up notes. She knew that she should be endlessly pleased that her and Nick were once again back on positive terms, but she couldn't help but feel a strange sense of disappointment that they had moved on from the argument as if it had never occurred in the first place, in much the same way they had handled their break up some years before. If her experiences in watching how Dylan and Sam interacted and failed to deal with the issues left outstanding from their marriage had taught her anything it was that nothing significant should be left to linger unsaid and for that reason she knew that one day soon she would need to confront her ex-partner over the breakdown of their own relationship. Nonetheless Zoe recognised that she had much appreciated his support in the last seven days since she had confessed how used she felt at Dylan's actions and despite the past she had grown used to having him around over the last week, in a way that was reminiscent of the old days when a drink never used to mean just a drink with the two of them.

However Zoe recalled that despite the longed-for presence of Nick Jordan by her side for the majority of the time, it had been the long lonely nights that had been most difficult for her to cope with. She had barely managed to see sleep before 3am on any day since she had seen Sam struggle into work after her assault, but it was that memory of seeing Dylan scoop up the battered woman accompanied by the thought of the same man's hands on her own bare skin a few days later as he sought out comfort in her embrace that swirled through her head repeatedly and prevented her from drifting off into a much welcome slumber. That each night she had to lay in the same bed he had followed her to hurt more than she had ever anticipated it would and it was the unexpected anguish she still felt on even thinking about the moment he had silently walked away and she had realised quite how much he still loved his wife that burned through her mind more and more with each passing moment in the darkness. Zoe had not even tried to explain this particular feeling to Nick, knowing full well that he was aware enough of her past indiscretions to be surprised she had allowed so much resentment to build up over what essentially was a one-night stand with a man she should have known better than to touch, but she was sure that no one could berate her harder than she was herself for being so incredibly foolish in the first place.

She was certain that she was actually feeling worse now one week on from her stupid mistake than she had been immediately after its occurrence and she doubted that this wasn't in some small part due to the subsequent withdrawal from any kind of life of the woman Dylan had been so adamant the event remained hidden from, despite the girl not actually knowing the true circumstances of what had happened between the two of them. In the last week she had watched with interest as the men in Sam's life had all traipsed around to her flat on their way to or from work, but from the little feedback she had received it was clear that the girl in question had steadfastly avoided all of them. Things had gotten so desperate the day before, with a bereft Clinical Lead, grouchy consultant, saddened doctor and concerned looking paramedic, never mind the impact on the other members of the team, that Zoe had approached Dixie with a view to the two of them tackling Sam themselves, knowing that the female paramedic also cared deeply about the troubled young woman and that she would also have known her address from dropping her home. She had therefore been incredibly stunned to see Sam standing in cubicles the very morning that this intervention was due to be staged, having agreed to meet Dixie outside the E.D. some two hours before work to give them the element of surprise when they approached the woman's apartment.

"You've escaped too?" a male voice asked from beside her dragging her from her thoughts and causing her to turn to face Tom who had just appeared beside her from the department, consternation written across her face at his words. "From the gossip I mean," he added for clarity and waved his small Tupperware container of lunch in her direction. "Eating in there would be an absolute nightmare today," he added with a hint of regret. "It seems Sam is yet again the hot topic of conversation and that is the last thing I want to listen to right now."

Zoe offered him the smallest smile in acknowledgement of her agreement with his words, but even as she did she could not help but check out the food he was holding as her own stomach practically did somersaults at the lack of subsistence it had received recently. However any thoughts she had at asking her colleague for a share of his lunch were quickly dismissed when she saw the too healthy for words salad the small box contained and instead she settled her thoughts on scrounging some chocolate from Linda later on, as the nurse didn't appear to eat any healthier at lunchtime than she did herself.

"She's all over the place isn't she?" Tom questioned, hovering uncomfortably in front of Zoe and she realised that he obviously felt the need to talk to someone about Dr Nicholls and her behaviour that day. "I mean, you know how crazy things got between me and her that night," he continued and she was sure that she could see his mind recalling the night he had spent at Sam's flat a mere week before. "But even so, I've never seen her like this. She was almost spiteful this morning," he elaborated before pausing. "It looked like she was losing it and now she is going through the motions treating patients, but you can see her heart isn't in it," he added earnestly. "I'm really worried about her Zoe."

She leant her head back against the wall and screwed her eyes up momentarily in thought. She remembered how incredibly quiet Tom had been that week, tormented by his feelings of guilt over allowing the situation between himself and Sam to escalate to the point of pushing Nick into assaulting him, despite the fact that he had actually been both the injured and the innocent party in that event. Zoe had not spent much time with Dr Kent before the last week, well no more than she would with any colleague and given how short a time he had been working at Holby City E.D. she had barely felt she knew him before this blew up in all of their faces. Nonetheless in recent days she had become aware that she had stuck up a friendship of sorts with the affable man and instantly came to appreciate quite how calming and positive an influence Sam would have found him to be on her when she had allowed him close. She had been pleased to see as well that Tom had kept Sam's counsel and refused to respond to requests for information about the truth behind his liaison with the girl, even to Zoe herself initially, and it had only been when she had confided in him that she was certain nothing untoward had occurred between them and her reasons for believing this that he had finally opened up. Therefore whilst the rest of the department may well have considered that the two of them had gossiped just as much as they all did about the recent turn of events, Zoe definitely considered her conversations with Dr Kent friendly exchanges of information rather than fuelling the fire of speculation that was prevalent in the E.D. about Dr Nicholls.

Zoe had also found her own growing fondness of Tom had given her enough insight into the mess that she had been able to start plastering over the huge cracks that had appeared in the younger doctor's working relationship with Nick Jordan since the unwarranted tirade of abuse the older man had unleashed on his unsuspecting member of staff. She was unsure quite when or how she had taken up the role of peacemaker in the team, but she recalled that on more than one occasion she had sought solace in Tess and Charlie's office and the three of them had made plans to heal the many and various rifts that had grown to exist within their team in recent weeks, in spite of the fact that the most major of those continued to be present around the soon to depart Sam.

"I have to say it wasn't a great start to the day," Zoe finally responded, opening her eyes once again and staring directly at Tom. "But I think even if the pressure of everything else hadn't taken its toll, this added issue with Mr Ellis would push anyone to snapping," she offered as way of an explanation for Sam's earlier erratic behaviour, even though she knew that her words were far too simplistic to comprehend the severity of the situation.

"I really thought I'd gotten somewhere with her last week," Tom interjected sadly. "After that crazy moment," he continued pointedly, in reference Zoe assumed to his make out session with the girl, "we had a long talk about her and Dylan, and the army thing. Then it all got complicated and she just shut me out, like I hadn't even been there in the first place."

Zoe could appreciate her colleague's confusion on that score, having felt similarly on more than one occasion at the hands of a certain Dr Keogh herself recently, but tried to consider what words of comfort she could offer the man stood in front of her who clearly needed some reassurance that the blame for the day's events did not lie at his door.

"To be honest Tom, I don't think it is anything you've done," Zoe responded, choosing her words carefully. "Sam was angry from the moment she got here this morning," she explained, remembering back to the earlier altercation in the staffroom briefing session. "And I don't think she has spoken more than a few words to anyone since Nick finished dealing with her in his office," she justified, recollecting vividly the sight of the disconnected woman rattling through patients in cubicles with such an unnerving focus that it almost appeared as if her life depended on it. "Besides," she continued, more to remind herself that for any other reason. "You saw Dylan walk out when she spoke to him and I'd say that whatever is going on with them, that is far more likely to be the cause of her attitude today than anything you've done," she added with as much comfort in her tone as she could muster.

Almost immediately as the words left her mouth Zoe became aware of the presence of a second person beside her and as she turned she was horrified to see that it was the very same Dr Nicholls she had been discussing only seconds earlier. She met her gaze for the briefest of seconds, before Sam averted her eyes and strode past her and Tom without so much as a backward glance. Zoe had felt herself redden instantaneously at the thought of being caught out gossiping by the subject of the conversation, but berated herself for feeling guilty at expressing concern over the welfare of a colleague to someone who shared an equally valid interest in the girl's state of mind.

"She shouldn't be out here," Tom stated as a matter of fact and Zoe followed his stare to where Sam had taken up residence on a bench within the peace garden, a place that seemed to have become a familiar security blanket for her in times of emotional distress.

"Should you?" Zoe shot back without thinking, referencing that Dr Kent too was considered in danger from Mr Ellis' all-encompassing threat.

"Touché," Tom retorted, finally meeting her gaze with a smile. "But at least I am aware enough of my surroundings to notice him approaching," he added, with the implication being that his female colleague was not able to act in an equivalent fashion and Zoe again brought to mind the fact that the woman in front of her did not actually seem to have an interest in her own fate nor appear to be frightened at the prospect of her safety being compromised in any way. As the two of them made their way over to where Sam had chosen to remain Zoe found it equally disconcerting though that even without that particular thought Sam looked every inch the loneliest girl in the world sitting with her knees pulled up in front of her on one of the seats.

"Should you be out here?" she questioned as they reached the girl and sat down on either side of her. "I mean with Mr Ellis and everything, didn't the police tell you to remain inside under their protection?" Zoe did not find herself particularly surprised at the complete lack of reaction from the woman at those words with the exception of a scowl, but she knew that somehow the two of them would need to engage her if they wanted to break down the barriers she appeared expert at putting up in front of herself.

"I'm sorry," Sam stated simply, her voice incredibly quiet in comparison to her earlier shouts in the staffroom.

"Sorry?" Tom queried with disbelief, meeting Zoe's eyes over where the sullen woman sat and shaking his head to indicate his distinct lack of knowledge as to what she was even talking about. "What have you got to be sorry about?"

"For using you," Sam answered without any emotion evident in her tone, surprising Zoe once again at how totally withdrawn she was from those around her whose interest in her well-being was so apparent. "I used you to make myself feel better and I should never have done that."

"You didn't," Tom countered, but was cut off before he could continue.

"I was there and I know what was going on inside my head," Sam responded dismissively, before cocking her head slightly in Zoe's own direction.

"And I'm sorry that you got dragged into everything and for the fact that you got hurt because of the mess Dylan and I created," she explained and Zoe looked back at her in astonishment.

"I don't know what you are talking about," she finally replied after gathering her thoughts.

"I know that he used you too," Sam started, causing a wave of horror to sweep through Dr Hanna as she realised from the girl's tone that it was abundantly clear she was well aware of the ramifications of her night with Dylan.

"How?" Zoe probed, trying not to meet Tom's eyes over Dr Nicholls' head for fear of him realising the extent of the issue that had occurred between herself and Dr Keogh the same night he had managed to successfully control his own urges and rebuff troubled Sam.

"Walls have ears Zoe," Sam replied sharply. "I was standing watching Dylan out in the department and I knew you and Jordan were close by," she explained, closing her eyes as she remembered the moment Zoe didn't doubt. "I heard you tell him that it was just a meaningless fumble and that my husband, the man who had just come close to convincing me we should get back together, the man who at that very moment was smiling at me like nothing was wrong, had spent the night with you purely to make himself feel better."

Zoe took a deep breath as she felt her face flush, both in embarrassment at her personal baggage being laid out so openly in front of the woman she had once considered a rival and also Tom, but additionally because she felt an overwhelming sense of sadness at the realisation of quite how close a reconciliation between the warring husband and wife had been before this had been totally wrecked by an ill-timed and ill thought out remark in such a public environment as their workplace.

"I just hope you have more sense that I did and that you walk away," Sam spoke with the fiery passion Zoe had missed from her in recent weeks and as the woman's eyes snapped open she found herself being drawn into the intensity of her gaze. "Because I never could and to have someone marry you out of duty and responsibility rather than love is a difficult thing to bear," she stated matter-of-factly, before rebuffing the attempt Zoe made to intervene in the conversation. "You weren't there to witness my marriage," Sam added honestly. "So please don't pass comment on something you know nothing about."

"Sam," she began in response. "I'm sorry you found out like you did, but you need to know that I am alright and things are okay between me and Dylan now. Don't worry about how I'm feeling," she continued by way of reassurance, but already realising that the girl had stopped listening to her a long time before. "I just want to get this whole situation sorted out."

"There is nothing to sort out," Sam answered shortly. "I'm leaving here in a week and I won't be coming back," she finished, standing up and striding purposefully back into the department before either Zoe or her companion on the bench could speak.

"Zoe," Tom said from his position across from her, but she stuck her hand up to silence him, knowing that the last thing she needed in that moment was his pity. In those last few exchanges with Sam she had recognised a great deal of Dylan in her, from the blatant and blunt way of expressing what had occurred to the complete dismissal of any suggestion of help being on offer. However the key issue for her in that moment had been how incredibly defenceless the young woman had looked as she had apologised for the behaviour of a man that she obviously still felt a complete sense of attachment to and responsibility for, despite the ascertain that they were long since over.

Zoe had already known in her heart that Dr Nicholls was unlikely to listen to reason, but that did not stop her from wanting to resolve the mess that she was at least partially responsible for creating. Unfortunately that knowledge of the situation had led her to realise that there was only one realistic conclusion to the current state of play; she would need to confront Dylan with the idea that Sam had come to learn the truth about what had occurred and hopefully force his hand to talk to his vulnerable wife, only this time be completely honest with her about where they all stood.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam brought the coffee mug to her lips and took a gulp of the steaming liquid, ignoring the burning sensation she felt as the boiling water streamed down her throat. She looked up the clock and was grateful to see that there was less than an hour to go until the end of this hellishly long shift, knowing all too well that the familiar feeling of exhaustion that she had grown used to creeping up over her in recent weeks was weighing down heavily upon her mind. She could barely recall the last time she had slept for more than a fitful few hours and consequently felt horrendous, so she could only begin to imagine what a state she looked to her colleagues and patients. There was a definite sense of irony in the fact that she had just spent seven days basically sitting staring at the four walls of her front room, barely leaving the safety of her residence, but still felt beyond tired on her first day back at work, yet despite this Sam could not bring herself to find it at all amusing.

She knew that she had been working almost robotically since she arrived in the department that morning, moving from one patient to the next as if they were medical case studies to be solved rather than real people to be dealt with and whilst she remembered that this was how she had always coped out in Afghanistan she was certain that she had spent most of her NHS secondment learning to have a bedside manner and actually recognise the care and compassion required to get past the barriers patients put up. That she now appeared to have erected even more around herself than anyone who had crossed her path was not lost on her, neither was the fact that her clinical skills that day had been more akin to the cool, impersonal touch of her ex-husband than her own style.

Sam was well aware that she had actively changed how she behaved and acted around other people, but she couldn't even be sure anymore whether that was her just being defiant, a reaction to the palpable sense of fear that had flooded through her since learning Mr Ellis was out for revenge or just simple self-preservation from the emotional minefield that was the E.D. ever since her assault. In the brief moment she had allowed herself to care about the impact she was having she had felt a wave of devastation and regret wash over her on realising how incredibly rude and dismissive she had been to everyone so far that shift, never mind those who had actually made the effort to knock on her door in the last seven days, but no matter how much her mind insisted she should block it all out, her heart kept threatening to break every time she caught someone's eye.

She recalled that Mr Jordan had definitely been the worst person to face, purely because the man had offered her nothing but friendship and protection ever since she had arrived in town, but especially since he had come to learn of her impending departure. The look of complete bewilderment that had crossed his expression as she had ranted at him in his office would stay with her forever she was sure, as would the simple touch of his fingers on her chin as he had reached out to her emotionally and physically in what she could see was a desperate attempt to get her to open her heart to him again. Sam tried not to make the easy comparison between her boss and her own father, but found sadness in the truth that the Clinical Lead had shown her more love in the short time he had known her than the man whose responsibility that should have been her entire life. Her relationship with her father had never been the easiest, not even after her mum had died and they had been left alone together, but it hurt that he had never held out his hand to her the way Nick Jordan had done and it was killing her to push away the only real parent who was there for her, tears stinging the back of her eyes even as she thought of how she had walked out on her father figure earlier on that day as if he barely mattered to her at all.

She thought back to how little she had spoken to her colleagues ever since, except to request someone carry out a patient related task for her, but shutting them all out had been more difficult than she had first considered it would be and she regretted that moment of weakness the previous week when she had allowed herself to cross the line from colleagues to friends with her team. It had been disquieting enough to have Mr Jordan watching her every move with interest, but she would have been able to avoid him successfully enough if he had been her only concern. However almost immediately on her return to the E.D. from his office that morning she remembered that she had been pounced upon by the smiling face of Big Mac, questioning her about the promise she had made to go for a drink with him to discuss her army days. It was with remorse that she recalled snapping so harshly at him and Noel, but being prompted to think of her upcoming tour of duty and knowing full well that socialising with any of them was not even an option for her anymore had forced her to dismiss even the idea of such a welcome distraction from her current state out of hand. She recalled that it had been only minutes later that she encountered the usually welcome sight of Jeff and Dixie arriving in the corridor with their first patient of the day and whilst she had tried to remain professional with them, she had seen the silent wince they both gave when she failed to react to their usual banter. Hearing Jeff sadly wish that his "Princess" had a good first day back as they headed out for another shout had almost caused the tears that seemed ever present in her eyes to begin to fall, but she had managed to force them to subside by gripping the bars on the patient's bed and turning her head away so the two wouldn't see her cry as they departed.

She knew that by the time lunchtime had approached some hours since even Linda and Lenny had stopped spying on her for gossip and instead had taken to offer her a supportive hand with her cases, eyeing her with a mixture of concern and suspicion as they did so. She also brought to mind how much of a hard time she had given both Tess and Charlie as she berated them and their nursing team for failing to keep up with the speed of the tests, treatments and procedures she had been mechanically throwing at the patients unlucky enough to be landed with her. Sam was unsure quite why the senior nurses had not done more than just offer her a disapproving glare at her harsh tone with them, but they had continued to spend the rest of the day running around after her regardless.

Sam reflected how incredibly grateful she was to them for that, as it had only been keeping busy and distracted from the thoughts inside her head that had kept her on her feet for the rest of the shift. She had even taken on board Charlie's advice to take a few minutes out for a lunch break, despite yet again not being the slightest bit hungry, but had known almost immediately what a mistake that had been when the staffroom had hushed instantly on her entrance. She recalled how she had slammed the door before heading outside instead, trying to escape the suffocating presence of police and colleagues in the department, but walking straight into Zoe and Tom who had been animatedly discussing her and Dylan as she crashed into their conversation.

She knew that she had not been able to face them in that moment, unsure of what exactly she could say to take away the pain they would both have been in because of her own actions, but strangely she had felt comforted that they had followed her regardless. In the last few weeks she had been grateful to have someone like Tom by her side, as he had shown her nothing but kindness and respect even in the face of her anger, something that men in her life had never been pre-disposed to do and she was saddened that she had this need to throw him away like he didn't even matter to her when in reality he had been one of the few people to keep her upright since her assault.

Sam remembered the overwhelming need she had felt to apologise to both him and Zoe for the distressing set of circumstances her and Dylan had placed them in, but even she had not expected to be quite as honest with them both as to the reasons behind her and Dylan's one-sided marriage. Nonetheless she recalled feeling the need to be that frank with Zoe, even if just to warn her of the possible consequences of falling in love with Dylan if he was prepared to treat her that cruelly. She had spent most of the past months hating Zoe for her closeness to that same man, despite always wondering if the two of them could actually have made great friends. However the fact that she was now able to see Zoe as the injured party in the situation, yet witness the woman's primary concern still seem to be Sam's own welfare, made her respect for Dr Hanna increase ten-fold and her own feelings of unease rise by the same margins.

Her brief moment of sincerity in advising Zoe had drained the limited emotional resources she had kept back and when Sam had returned to the department she knew she had been all but sapped of any energy and enthusiasm that had remained for her job. She thought back to how her spirits had been lifted slightly by the appearance of Scarlett, possibly the one person she had strangely failed to shut out completely, who had advised her that Mrs Ellis had finally been admitted to a ward and that the overpowering police presence had been scaled back accordingly.

Even as she stood drinking her cooling coffee in the staffroom Sam wondered quite why Nurse Conway seemed to have broken through the hard outer shell she had been hiding behind, but as she reflected on vulnerable look of the girl she felt frightened by how easily her innocence could be taken away. She considered perhaps that maybe she recognised something of a younger version of herself in Scarlett, back in the days before she had met the man who changed her life forever and she silently prayed that Lloyd would somehow keep her safe when she left the following week.

Sam finished her drink and placed her cup on the side, before heading to the doorway eager to busy herself once again but reluctant to face the world. However as she opened the door and looked out into the chaos of the department she caught sight of a familiar figure making his way across the room, bold as brass and appearing without a care in the world. Within a second Sam was listening to the pounding of her heart loudly within her ears and her mouth went dry as fear coursed through her veins, yet without warning or conscious thought she found herself following him through the double doors and towards resus. As he opened the next set of doors, glancing back and seeing her behind him, Sam was able to spy Scarlett and Dylan around the beside of a patient over his shoulder and instinctively broke into a run, her feet speeding across the floor before she had time to think about any consequences.

As Mr Ellis reacted by heading back towards her in an effort to exit before he was caught, Sam dived towards him and tackled him to the ground, feeling the force of the impact on her own old injuries as they landed with a thud. The once hatred filled expression that had covered his face seconds before disappeared within moments, but Sam couldn't prevent herself from pummelling him repeatedly as she allowed all the rage and desperation that had built up inside of her since his attack ten days before to come flooding out as she finally let herself go.

She felt strong arms latch onto her own limbs and upper body as she was lifted from her position atop of her assailant and was physically restrained by Nick Jordan and Tom, despite her continuous attempts to lash out. It was only in that moment that she realised the awful screams she could hear were coming from her own mouth and as she heard voices from around her yelling for security and the police it hit her that there were hundreds of anxious, frightened eyes upon the scene she had created. Jeff, Big Mac and Lenny appeared from nowhere to pin Mr Ellis to the floor, before very quickly security and the police intervened and the man was placed under arrest for the attempted murder of his wife before being forcibly removed from her view. Sam caught sight of the senior policewoman's glare in their direction as he was taken away and she finally realised quite how much trouble she could be in for her rash actions.

She looked up to see Dylan standing expressionless at the doorway to resus, with a frightened Scarlett standing behind him and she struggled once again against the grasp the two men had on her upper arms. She watched with interest as her husband gestured for them to release her from their restraint before he moved quickly to bundle her back into the staffroom. His intervention had been as unwelcome as it had been unexpected, as from Sam's memory she could not recall a time since they had been together when he had ever publicly stepped in to calm her down, preferring instead to only acknowledge their understanding in private moments.

"Do you want to get yourself fired?" Dylan asked bitterly as he let her go once the door was firmly closed behind them and they were alone in the room. Sam pointedly chose to ignore that remark, choosing instead to open her locker and frantically start removing her possessions. She knew full well that following her violent outburst she would not be working out the remaining half hour of this shift, considering it quite likely that she would be lucky to be allowed to report in on any of her last few days either unless Mr Jordan found a way of bypassing the hospital disciplinary procedure. Sam's need to get as far away from the E.D. pressed down on her so hard she could barely focus on anything around her, but she was aware of the unspeaking presence of her husband and his continuing focus on her.

"I know you're scared Samantha," he began from behind her. "Understandably so I grant you, but you are a good doctor and you do not need to throw that all away over that man or anyone else for that matter," he continued, in a statement that had so much emotional weight behind it that she almost broke.

"I know," she responded simply, ceasing her rummaging in the open locker.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself," Dylan answered sadly, as if remembering all those moments of pain in the past.

"I didn't want to do anything," Sam argued, turning around to face him and finally finding her voice. "I never wanted to divorce you. I never wanted to go back to the army. You know that," she explained sharply. "I still love you and when we talked last week you gave me the tiniest bit of hope that things might one day be alright and that you might just forgive me for throwing it all away," she clarified. "I came out of that room and just for a few minutes I thought that I was making a mistake in leaving you, but then it all got snatched away. I can't trust you anymore Dylan and if you forget everything else that is going on for a minute, you know why that matters to me."

"Sam, just listen to me," her husband interjected, but she shook her head in response.

"No," she replied sadly. "Because you can't take this away Dylan," she justified, her voice cracking with emotion in spite of her wish to remain coherent enough to say what was on her mind. "You can't get inside my head and make it stop." The tears that had been threatening to fall all shift finally started to escape from her eyes and she made no move to wipe them away, instead allowing Dylan to draw her into an embrace. Sam allowed herself to bend into his shape for a fleeting moment, gaining comfort from his warm and secure arms, before shrugging him off almost as quickly.

"You lied to me," she hissed as she stepped back. "You lied to me and you can't take that back." Sam recognised the distraught expression on Dylan's face from that day he had sat beside her after hearing the truth so many years before and it hurt her so much to see him finally ready to discuss how off track things had gone at the very point in time that all she could do was bring herself to shoot him down.

She was distracted by movement from behind her husband as the staffroom door opened and Nick Jordan walked in, his features filled with nervous trepidation. Sam grabbed at the coat and bag in her locker before slamming it closed and defiantly squaring up to the two men who she hated to see in such distress.

"I resign," she stated simply, but with the weight of the world lying behind the words. "I resign."

Sam headed for the exit to the room and pushed past them both so fast that neither had a chance to react, before heading out towards the main entrance to the department as quickly as she could manage with the tears still streaming down her cheeks. She heard shouts from Tom and Scarlett from behind her, but failed to stop or acknowledge their concern. As she reached the doorway she literally ran straight into Dixie and Jeff, almost sending them both flying, but instead somehow found herself caught in the male paramedics grasp before being bundled into him, as he brought his arms around her.

"Hey princess, it's alright," he whispered soothingly into her hair and she found herself sobbing into his uniformed shoulder as the enormity of the events of the past few minutes swept over her like a tidal wave. There was a distinct reassurance at being locked into the safe grip of someone who could protect her, but just like four years before when Dylan had held her similarly she wondered if she would ever stop running away from feeling defenceless. As a child she had always been afraid of being physically hurt, but from the moment that line had been crossed she had been well aware that it was the emotional scars that took time to heal and whilst she was no longer fearful of pain, she was terrified of being vulnerable to harm.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading and if you liked it, please review it and let me know - reviews make me very happy!<strong>

**The next part should be up over the weekend (fingers crossed). Callie x**


	17. The definition of courage

**Thank you once again to all of you who are reading, reviewing and tweeting me about this fic. The fact that some of you are actively telling me you are waiting for each update is really making me want to write this for you! Extra special thanks to Elly & Tilda, Jessie and Rachel for your reviews of the last update, for all my lovely tweeters (you know who you are - especially Megan and Melissa this week) and the lovely Meggi and Ficmouse for their support. However this chapter is definitely dedicated to Anny for all the 3am ramblings of the last few weeks and for asking questions that I had even forgotten to answer, plus for writing me a review that was almost fanfic length in itself! It makes me happy to get reviews, it really does :)**

**Just a health warning for this update - there are some bits that may feel a bit close to the mark for some of you, mainly implied history as to what has happened in Sam's past. Please bear that in mind, and don't say I didn't warn you. Same will apply for the next update but for different reasons entirely.**

**Anyway, here we go with this update - "courage"**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of courage**

_Courage: noun; the ability to do something that frightens one, bravery, strength in the face of pain or grief_

Dylan Keogh

Dylan recalled with horror how abruptly his shift had concluded in the wake of Samantha's sudden withdrawal from the department. He had turned around to watch his wife storm from the room after her gut-wrenchingly honest admission that the past was still as real to her today as it had been to her in that awful moment and had come face to face with Nick Jordan, standing still as a statue and with a devastation written across his face that Dylan had realised he would recognise in himself in an instant.

He looked around the unfamiliar and alien setting of the room he was now sitting in with interest, as although he was certain he had only spent minimal time in the Clinical Lead's office since his arrival at Holby City Hospital, in fact the only time he could recall was with Samantha the previous week, he had become aware over the past month that Dr Nicholls had been spending an increasing amount of time here with the man sitting across from him. Dylan was certain that Mr Jordan had never really managed him, not in a traditional sense anyway, more that the man had tolerated his moods and dealt with any issues that had arisen because of them and his brusque attitude towards his patients and colleagues.

Dylan brought to mind the seconds after Samantha had fled the staffroom when he had stood there in a near stony silence with the man who had flown to the apparent defence of his wife's honour a week before and had realised that the soft noise he could hear was the sound of his own cries. The awkwardness of the situation had been worsened by the lack of coherent response that had come from the other person in the room, but Dylan remembered that even that had been exacerbated by Zoe bursting in mere moments later demanding to know what on earth was going on. She had taken one look at them standing there and immediately ordered both of them to the Clinical Lead's office and out of the main department. He knew that he had initially tried to protest, but when she had approached him and he had felt the gentle touch of her warm fingers brushing away the tear marks from his cheeks before she dragged him from the room even he had had to accept that he may not have been in a fit and proper state to treat patients, regardless of his ability to stay emotionally detached from them on any normal day.

It was because of Dr Hanna that he found himself uncomfortably seated in a vaguely unnerving hush with Samantha's apparent confidante, as she had made sure the two of them were safely ensconced in the room with coffee and orders to discuss what the required steps would be to deal with what had just occurred before she had abandoned them to their thoughts under the guise of her returning to the E.D. to attempt to regain control of the department and the bewildered staff group.

Dylan studied the face of the man across the desk from him and found himself drawn in slightly by the saddened expression fixed across his unblinking eyes. He had never understood why people had a need to confide their deepest feelings to another human being, especially where that other person was a work associate yet he was sure that his colleagues, most notably the female ones, spent the majority of their shifts doing just that. Samantha had always been the exception to that rule in his eyes as she had been as closed off emotionally as he had always been, publicly at least, but since her assault he was certain her expertise in hiding her true self from the world around her had diminished dramatically. He briefly allowed himself to contemplate whether she had always been as withdrawn from the world as she was in the time he had known her but he had forced himself not to think about the damage her connection to him and the trauma that had been caused because of it had done to the woman he had adored.

Samantha's words had stung him, but through their honesty rather that their harsh tone, as she had been right to state that he had managed to destroy the mutual understanding they had come to share with one simple lie. He had attempted to dress this up in his own mind as a way of protecting her from further distress given how close to the edge she had appeared in recent weeks, but he was well aware that in reality he had lied purely to spare himself from having to see the disappointment in her eyes when she realised that he had not in fact changed despite all that they had been through. He also finally acknowledged the wave of nausea that had come over him ever since she had tearfully informed him of the truth that there was nothing he could do to get inside her head and take away the pain of the last four years, piercing through his usually strong anti-emotion barricades and forcing him to remember the day he had found her so alone.

If Dylan thought through his current circumstances he was adamant that the last thing he wanted to do was to open up to his boss over such an emotive topic, but if nothing else Samantha's outburst half an hour before had proved to him that he was no longer the right person to comfort her, as much as it pained him to admit it. It was time for him to acknowledge that no matter how much it was killing him to see her so scared, there was nothing he could do to take away what had happened and try as he might, he had so far failed to protect her from harm.

"She was never really mine," he surprisingly found himself saying aloud and watching with interest as Mr Jordan's eyes flickered in his direction with a sense of confusion evident across his features. "She was my student and I knew that my feelings for her were, well shall we say inappropriate," he continued, remembering the vicious comments that had been made about his relationship with the young girl when their liaison had finally been made known. "She needed someone by her side to fight her corner, so we were thrown together by circumstances and then she felt indebted enough to me that she thought she had to stay," he elaborated sadly. "She always believed I was only there because I felt sorry for her; she never understood that I had wanted to be there all along."

Dylan watched as Nick opened his mouth to speak before closing it again wordlessly, appearing momentarily like a goldfish in a bowl. He realised that he was fairly relieved that the man had nothing to add to his own words, as he did not know how he could possibly respond to any questions Mr Jordan had without betraying Samantha's trust even further than he already had. He had never enjoyed communicating and the truth was that his marriage had only survived for as long as it had because his wife seemed to appreciate the simple pleasures of a comfortable silence as much as he had. He could barely remember another occasion on which he had considered opening up to someone emotionally in such a fashion as he was now, but if there was ever going to be a reason it was always going to be about his ex-wife.

"She loves you," Mr Jordan stated simply, appearing finally able to conjure up the power of speech from across the room.

"I know," Dylan responded emphatically, finally having come to accept that this fact may well be correct. "She isn't good with people or dealing with emotions, she never has been," he started to explain. "I've only seen her like this once before though, back when I first knew her and her behaviour was every bit as erratic and incomprehensible then as it is now," he justified. "I was her mentor, but that was never going to be enough to manage her out of the circumstances she was in," he continued. "She needed to have someone close that she could talk to and for some reason she chose me, but I can't be that person for her any longer because there is too much water under that particular bridge," he added with regret. "She needs someone though," he said slowly. "And I am hoping that someone will be you."

There was a moment of silence that descended across the room as Nick Jordan stared at him with a mixture of dismay and expectation, caused mainly Dylan decided due to the weight of the pressure he had just placed upon the man's shoulders from the indication the desperation in his tone had demonstrated how he felt about the situation.

"Of course," Mr Jordan replied more confidently than Dylan anticipated it was likely he was feeling. "If Sam will let me that is, because she can be stubborn as hell. Although I guess you probably know that better than I do," he added reflectively. "What worries me the most is how little she seems to care about what happens to her," he continued. "And how quickly she swings from being emotionally withdrawn to lashing out in anger without anyone being able to keep up."

"Samantha was hurt badly in the past," Dylan answered curtly, knowing that he could not elaborate further without breaking the unspoken bond of trust that he had so prized between them for the duration of their connection. He knew that he needed the man in front of him to be aware of some of their shared past in order for him to offer help and guidance, but it was the probable outcome of today's events that were most pertinent to that cause not what had happened to his wife before.

"Is this something to do with Ash?" Nick queried and instantly Dylan was dragged from his thoughts in sheer horror at the thought of her having mentioned his name aloud. He knew from personal experience that she only discussed that aspect of their past life together when her head was in a really bad place and that she was in that space now frightened him.

"She told you about Ashley?" he questioned in response, gulping slightly and feeling beads of sweat appear on his palms as he even spoke that name.

"She just mentioned something had happened," Nick replied and Dylan picked up the intrigue in his tone at the reaction the comment had received. "She didn't tell me anything else," he added, shrugging his shoulders non-committedly.

"My wife isn't afraid of getting hurt," Dylan explained, recognising his need to place possession over her in using that term of description in the face of Ashley's name. "She already knows what it is like to feel pain and she isn't scared of that," he clarified. "She just lashes out when she doesn't know what else to do or if something gets inside the barriers she has put up to protect herself." Dylan recalled that it was those very same emotional defences that Ashley had all but destroyed when he had hurt her so badly, but his behaviour had just caused the woman to build them up twice as strong this time around. That they were now cracking again was a worrying development in his eyes, because whilst she may not be afraid of getting hurt, Dylan most definitely was on her behalf and he was now terrified for her safety. Nonetheless he allowed that statement to go left unsaid, as from the expression on the other man's face he was sure he already felt similarly.

"If I know Samantha at all, and believe me I no longer consider that a certainty," Dylan stated earnestly and with a weight of feeling that until today would have felt unfamiliar to him. "Then right now her head is in a very dark place and when she gets like that leaving her on her own can be quite a dangerous thing." The moment after the words left his mouth it dawned on him from the realisation that crossed Mr Jordan's face that Dr Nicholls' past history of posing a risk to herself was as real to her now as it had been then.

"She has a cut on her arm," Nick said quietly, his voice barely audible over the ticking of the clock and Dylan's own heart beating heavily in his chest. "She sustained it in the assault but on at least one occasion she has pulled the stitches out herself," he added. "Does she have a history of self-injuring behaviour? Is that what you are trying to tell me? Is that why you're worried about her?" The intense look the two of them shared gave Dylan the encouragement he needed to confirm the truth to someone outside of his marriage after four years of keeping it hidden behind the closed doors of their home.

"There were some bad times before and Samantha got herself in a bit of a state, a bit like today actually," he started, allowing his mind to wonder back to their past. "She had this new car that she had been saving up for and she'd only had it a few weeks," he continued sadly. "The next thing I knew she was being brought back into the E.D. from the back of an ambulance strapped to a bed and only semi-conscious. She was in an altered state and as she roused, she was screaming and shouting and kicking out as people tried to help her," he described, remembering the terror that had taken over him that day as he had stood motionless and unable to prevent her fear.

"Just like she did when she was assaulted," Nick interjected, appearing to finally understand. "That's why you left resus, you were thinking about what had happened before?" he questioned and Dylan found himself nodding instinctively.

"We hadn't cleared her spine and there was a query over a head injury so I had to pin her down to the bed and attempt to reason with her," he recalled, barely able to say the words out loud. "She just looked at me like I was the most evil person in the world but eventually she stopped struggling. I was so relieved at first, but then I realised it looked as if she had given up," he elaborated. "Everyone else, they all knew her as the fiery, determined Dr Nicholls and they had never seen her like I had, not really. They all just accepted it was an accident and never once questioned it, but I had to ask her, because I needed to know."

"And what did she tell you?" Nick asked, staring at him intently.

"That she couldn't tell me what happened, because she didn't want to lie to me," Dylan responded with a shrug. "It was clear to me that she had driven into the tree on purpose," he said without any real consideration for the power those words may have on the other man present, but then felt a twinge of guilt at seeing the devastation fill his face. "I made her several promises that day and I successfully kept all of them until last week, but she found out I had lied to her about what occurred between Dr Hanna and I," he clarified. "I had never intended that this be the consequence of that, but seemingly that is irrelevant given the severity of the impact on her."

He paused momentarily after finally finding the nerve to put into a coherent sentence exactly why he felt so guilty about how events had transpired and felt grateful immediately for the lack of judgement that came from across the desk.

"Dylan I think that Mr Ellis turning up like that and the fact Sam was assaulted in the first place may also have had something to do with her meltdown," Nick interposed. "And it can't have helped to have me stumble in with only half the facts and make everything worse by giving her reason to feel guilty about being friends with Tom," he finished dejectedly. "I did think I was trying to protect her, but I think I was trying to protect her from the wrong thing."

"Samantha is the bravest woman I have ever met," Dylan interrupted, finding his voice once again. "She has shown her courage every single day by just getting up and facing the world after everything that has gone on, but in reality she is not that tough," he continued. "I know she is in the army but when she is out there she can put on her soldier mask and face the nightmare as someone else, someone stronger. When she is here she can only use that skill so far," he explained with conviction. "We both know she can hit the self-destruct button when that mask slips and she is forced to feel something she doesn't like."

"You are worried she is going to do something stupid, aren't you?" Nick asked with hesitation in his tone and Dylan was certain that he did not want to hear the answer any more than he wanted to give it.

"She always used to want her father to be there to comfort her back then," Dylan justified. "But he didn't really want to know and in the end he shut her out completely. I was the one that used to be there to hold her hand, but she needs someone who isn't her husband to break her fall first," he elaborated. "The fact that she only ever had me by her side left her isolated, when what she really needs is someone to be her parent and to tell her that things are going to be alright," he explained. "That means she needs you."

Dylan watched as Nick Jordan took in the enormity of the words he had just put out into the room and hoped that the man would realise what an honour it would be to be considered as Samantha's surrogate father in absence of the biologically related equivalent. With every passing second he felt his fright over the fate of his wife potentially home alone after an incredibly traumatic day increase tenfold, but he felt certain now that the man his wife had come to trust when he had been unable to fill that role himself would be able to reach her in time to prevent her falling. Dylan focused instead on hoping against hope that the courage he had seen Samantha demonstrate in the simple act of facing the world with the smallest of smiles and staying strong in the face of continuing pain would keep her sustained until she would allow herself to be rescued once again, only hopefully more successfully this time around.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam splashed her face with cold water from the bathroom sink and rubbed her eyes to wash away the now dried tears that had mottled her usually unblemished skin. She glanced up at her reflection in the mirror of the cabinet on the wall in front of her and sighed at how utterly exhausted she both looked and felt after the incredibly long and emotionally draining day. It seemed like longer ago than just that morning that she had been woken up by the police banging down her door to tell her that Mr Ellis may pose a risk to her and all that had happened since the last occasion she had stood in the same position at her bathroom sink almost felt as if it had happened to someone else given how detached she was feeling from the world around her.

She ran her hand through the messy mane of hair that had long since fallen out of the loose tie she had bound it with in her hurry to leave the house and reflected back on how completely disastrous her one shift back in the E.D. had turned out to be. Sam recalled how adamant she had been on being faced with the police at her door that she was not going to return to work before her posting date and wondered quite why she had allowed herself to be coerced into going in against her wishes, even if it had been under the premise of helping to protect Scarlett and Tom from harm as well. However she now realised that even thinking about work was somewhat irrelevant as she was pretty certain that her parting shot to Dylan and Nick Jordan was that she resigned with immediate effect, not that she wouldn't have been sacked, or at minimum suspended, regardless for her violent conduct towards the same Mr Ellis who had put her through hell ten days before.

She remembered sadly how she had totally fallen apart into Jeff's arms as she stormed out of the department in an attempt to escape, but instead had found herself caught in the comforting embrace of the two paramedics who had always shown her nothing but care and affectionate banter. Sam knew that they had tried to establish what exactly was going on with her, but once they had offered her a tissue to dry her crying eyes she had withdrawn further into herself and found herself shutting back down again. She recalled that the police had made themselves known and had tried to convince her into making a statement, but that had been when Tom had appeared from inside the department and told them in no uncertain terms that if they weren't arresting her for assault then they needed to just leave her alone before berating them for putting her, Scarlett and himself at risk in the first place. She could not imagine that his forceful tone would ever have been the man's usual demeanour, so had shot him a grateful glance of thanks for his unexpected but welcome intervention.

If she remembered correctly they had been quickly joined by Scarlett outside the department doors and she had listened with a sense of dread as the nurse informed her that Mr Jordan, Dr Keogh and Dr Hanna were hauled up in the Clinical Lead's office having what appeared to be crisis talk. Resultantly the five of them had sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes in the back of the awaiting ambulance as Sam had tried to allow her disengaged brain to catch up on processing all the events that had occurred.

She brought to mind how shocked they all had been when she had quietly admitted that she had just resigned and when she watched them start to leap to her defence, apparently believing without question that she had been pushed rather than had jumped, she had argued back to make her point, railing at them all for their interference in her life despite their attempts to reason with her. She knew that her attitude towards them had been more than a little irrational, but if she was honest she had not been able to shut out the memory of Dylan wrapping his arms around her as he tried to take her pain away just minutes before. She remembered how she had insisted that she was going home and had roughly shaken off the strong grip of Jeff's hand on her wrist as he had attempted to prevent her departure. They had argued momentarily before she had managed to get her own way and the paramedics had relented on the proviso that she allowed them to drive her home and accompany her in. She had gone through the motions in allowing both Scarlett and Tom to pull her into an embrace, although she was sure that she had stood motionless and failed to respond to their touch, but eventually she had freed herself to clamber into the back of the ambulance where she seated herself with her arms tightly wrapped around her chest and her bag stuffed onto her lap in an act that was as much for protection and self-comfort as it was fear.

She recollected the moment the vehicle had come to a halt outside her flat and she had sprung out of her seat before Dixie could react ignoring the dull aching pain that had flown through her since she had tackled Mr Ellis to the ground. She had managed to race to her front door, rummaging for her keys as she had done so and somehow had gained entry to her flat before either of the two who had accompanied her got close enough to prevent her from slamming the door in their faces. She had stood leaning against the wall of her hallway breathing deeply for a few moments before the hammering had started as Jeff and Dixie made their displeasure at her escape from their supervision known to the entire street. Sam remembered how she had stood her ground and ordered the two of them to leave her alone, but it had only been when they had finally given up and left that she had allowed herself to slide down the wall into a sobbing mess on the floor as the tears yet again started to fall, but this time through self-imposed loneliness rather than fear.

Sam looked down beside her to the shelf next to the bathroom sink and spied the open bag of medical items that had been left there from her earlier attempts at treating her own wounds. She had managed to bring back a significant haul of emergency medical kit when she had left base after her last tour of duty, items that had come in more than useful on her first day out with the paramedics if her memory served her right. However since her assault it had been her own injuries that she had yet again come used to treating. Her fingers flicked to the scar on her arm that had strained slightly as she fell to the ground with her assailant earlier on, but she was pleased to see that it had remained closed and did not require redressing.

She looked down to study the now healed laceration with interest, reminding herself of all the times that she had treated her own injuries in the past much to the consternation of herself, and Dylan too when he had been present. Sam knew that she was supressing the urge she had to add to her collection of scars, but that was mainly out of fear of failing to pass her final fitness check on arrival at the army base. Her overwhelming desire to escape from the confines of Holby and back to the relative normality of her army routine was overriding any compulsion she had to do herself physical harm, even in the face of new bruises and aching ribs from the thud with which she had landed atop Mr Ellis.

She thought back to how she had come to sustain the various other injuries that littered her body, some of which were easily visible she noted as she stood in a strappy top studying her own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Sam reflected that she was fortunate that the ones that had not been caused by her own fair hand were usually just as hidden from the outside world by the oversized green scrubs she wore for the majority of her waking hours and therefore it had always been reasonably easy for her to hide the extent of her past traumas from those around her that had come close enough to be considered friends.

As she assessed the extent of the damage her new altercation had caused her battered skin, she could easily pick out the red raw and darkly bruised patches that were indicative of recently sustained injuries and despite her best efforts not to do so she found herself instantly recalling the paralysing fear that had overtaken her when Mr Ellis had begun assaulting her the previous week. The other marks that spread across her body were like a thousand little memories written out on her skin, each with its own individual story as to how it was received, but so barely visible that no one except those who knew to look would have ever even have known they existed.

The old abrasions and cuts that doused her upper body brought back vivid recollections of the field of war with each a reminder of time spent pinned to the ground in the midst of a fire fight en route to rescue casualties fresh from the battle with one particular scrape to her shoulder being instantly recognisable as where an insurgent bullet had grazed across her as she had dived for cover. She remembered how horrified Dylan had been to spy how close she had come to death out in Afghanistan, as he held her close when they basked in the glory of their reunion in a hotel room after her first tour of duty and how disbelieving he had been when she had insisted that being shot at had not actually pained her more.

Further marks she could see as she pulled up her top and examined the skin of her stomach reminded her of the fateful car crash and the after effects of broken glass tearing at her skin and piercing through, with her hand instinctively rising to the right side of her head were a slight raised bump remained hidden by her hairline from where she had slammed against the interior of the vehicle she had crashed without thought for the consequences for either herself or the man she had grown to love.

It was with hesitation that she allowed herself to run her fingers across some of the more self-inflicted injuries, scars that had appeared on her upper arms and abdomen overnight following momentously overwhelming days in her life. She recalled the night after her mum's funeral when her father had packed his bags to return to base, leaving her totally alone in the family home and failing to even phone her to confirm his safe arrival. Those few weeks as she packed up all of their possessions into crates before heading off to university as if nothing untoward had occurred had been some of the loneliest of her life and she had only grown to cope by finding increasingly secretive methods to punish herself for the mess she had allowed her life to spiral into. She knew that it had been Ash's presence at her side that had saved her from falling further into a pit of despair, but she hated even having to admit that to herself given all that had happened subsequently.

The aftermath of that fateful day years later when she had finally drunk Dylan into bed with her and set off a chain reaction she had been unable to prevent had definitely been the darkest days of her life thus far but it had been her inability to manage her emotions without the crutch of Dylan's strength by her side that had led her to take risks with her own safety. That this had culminated in a near fatal road accident left her with an unnerving sense of guilt over her actions that had kept her behaviour under control even throughout her split with her husband a year before, her remembering Dylan's insistence that he would have to report her erratic behaviour for her own safety if he had the merest hint of recurrence, an act which left her burying herself in the army once again.

It had left her scared that since her assault she had allowed herself in fleeting moments to reiterate some of her past history and take out her deafening fear on her own physical self, but in truth she was well aware that it was not what had happened recently but the memories it had dragged up that was causing her to act in such a manner. Seeing Mr Ellis walking through the E.D. as if it was perfectly rational for him to be gate-crashing her world once more had caused something in her to snap and she had relished taking the opportunity to inflict pain on a man who had forced her to face the horrors of her past and who represented everything that had gone wrong in her life. The fact that she hurt herself in the process, tearing at the injuries deep inside from his own assault on her, had given her a present day focus and enabled her to channel everything she was feeling into a strangely disconcerting physical manifestation rather than an emotional one. That she would have kept pummelling the man until she killed him if she had not been dragged off only showed her quite how far removed from the realities of her life in England she had allowed herself to become.

She thought back to her childhood spent on army bases around the UK, moving frequently at the behest of her high ranking father. Sam knew that the lack of consistency in schooling had led her to keep isolated from her peers but this had been mitigated by how outgoing her mum had always been. She remembered how her mum had always been the life and soul of every party and how this had allowed her to grow in confidence at her side, leaving her able to enjoy a good night out with friends and the student life when she had finally settled in to university. It had been when her mum had died that summer after her A-Level exams that she had realised how lonely her life had truly become, having never really taken into consideration as she turned from child to adolescent to young adult that her father had never really taken to the role of husband or parent to either of them in any useful way. His cold dismissal of her tears and his ease in walking away to return to work within days of his wife's death had taught Sam all she had ever needed to know about love and relationships amongst adults, something she had always held onto deep inside to protect herself from coming to harm in the face of people leaving her in the future.

Sam rubbed at her wrist with irritation at how obvious the healing deep laceration would outwardly remain for the foreseeable future, despite knowing that she had a valid explanation for its appearance on her skin. She tried to divert her mind's attention elsewhere but her head was awash with the tormented memories of her screwed up and confusing history of connections with people she had allowed herself to love over the passing of years. She knew that she had been right to tell Dylan he could not get inside her head and make it stop, but she was certain that it had been unfair of her to expect him to be able to do so in the first place. She recalled that he had once promised her so much, even when she had no right to ask and was nowhere near worthy of his presence at her side, and that he had stood by her throughout it all right up until one moment of weakness when he had lied, most likely to protect her from further heartache and spare her the pain of his own fallibility.

Sam remembered how she had no right to be angry at him for his night with Zoe, given how she had lashed out at him by having the fling that had ended her marriage, but she knew deep down that that night had been an act of self-punishment on her part by forcing him to be the one that walked away. Her real issue over his entanglement with Dr Hanna had not actually been that it occurred, more that he had behaved towards Zoe the same way he had with her their very first time and the results of that on Sam had been so devastating that she knew she would never recover from them. That Dylan knew that and still treated the other woman so similarly left her feeling a deep sense of unease at how badly things could have turned out, but also gave her a reason to stop and consider how differently her life could have been if she had not acted so provocatively as she had done when Dylan had hurt her back then.

She was certain that she would never forgive him for lying to her, but she had never anticipated that four years on the promises he had made to her when she had been critically injured in a hospital bed would still be valid anyway. He had given up alcohol for her, he had allowed her to leave when she had needed to go and for the duration of their marriage he had avoided lying to her by giving her no reason to ask him for the truth, but regardless of how he had kept the promises she knew that he had managed to stay faithful to them in a way she had never managed to do with her own to him, especially her marital vows.

Sam found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror once again and whilst all she wanted was to see the tough army medic, brave as hell and determined, staring back, instead she saw the watery mess of a crying young woman who had allowed herself to silently sob as she buried herself deep in thoughts of the past. She recalled how Dylan had once held her close and told her he admired her courage, before she had laughed him off and told him that the army made it her job to be brave. She knew that the moment he had profoundly told her that he meant she was courageous every single day was one of those that would live with her forever as she remembered the stunned silence that had followed in the wake of that remark, with Sam still struggling to this day to comprehend just how much that had meant to her.

She rubbed her head slightly as she realised how bad a headache had now developed deep within her mind and as she shook herself to throw off her depressing mood, she had to acknowledge quite how tensed up her muscles were, seemingly from the effort of earlier tackling Mr Ellis to the ground and the subsequent thud of bones as they landed. Sam grabbed for the door of the cabinet in front of her and stared at the unopened box of painkillers Zoe had provided her with ten days before. She had never wanted them and she would never have taken them, preferring to cope with the physical pain rather than consider any emotional impact the events would have had on her. Nevertheless her head was now thumping so hard she could barely think straight and she knew that these would be strong enough to take that hurt away.

She removed the packet from the small cupboard before closing the door and exiting the bathroom, heading into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water from the taps. Absentmindedly she removed the plastic packaging from the box and stared straight out of her kitchen window, as she allowed herself to consider that she did not feel brave anymore. Sam looked down at the sideboard and realised that rather than just removing one pill, she had popped out at least eight from the sealed pods and as she stared at them intently she wondered quite why her unconscious mind had this habit of placing temptation directly in her path.

Sam picked up the first pill from the line she had placed in front of her and put it in her mouth, bringing the glass of water to her lips and allowing the cool liquid to swirl around in her mouth as she swallowed the painkiller whole. She poured a second glass of water from the taps and found herself studying the remaining selection of pills on the side as she hesitated momentarily. Sam let her thoughts travel fleetingly to her husband, imagining the strength of his warm arms wrapped around her to give her hope, and considered that Dylan would be so disappointed in her from this point on because she was not his courageous girl right now and she no longer could be.

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><p><strong>Sorry for leaving it there, but it had to be done. I promise you that next update will give you the answers you have been waiting for and I will be interested to know if any of you have got a handle on where this fic is about to go.<strong>

**The next chapter will be up in a few days and I hope it is worth the wait. Thank you for reading as ever and I would be so grateful for reviews - a few more and I hit 100, which will make me smile more than you will ever know!**

**Love to you all. Callie x**


	18. The definition of broken

**Firstly thank you all for getting me over 100 reviews for this fic and counting, that news alone made me smile (and extra special thanks to AngelRays95 and Rachel for simultaneously giving me reviews and taking me from 99 to 101 between them). Additionally this chapter is especially dedicated to the lovely Meggi (for making me smile), Ficmouse (for becoming my medical advisor in both this fic and my other) and for Anny (for every single 3am we've seen in together and keeping me going the last few days). **

****This update is shorter than others, but I've decided it will work better split up from the next part. It just needs to stand on its own. ****

**Okay, I gave this a health warning last time and same rule applies for this chapter and the next. Just saying, but need to point that out because I want people to know the subject matter is going to be a little dark for a while.**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of broken**

_Broken: adjective; having been broken, having given up all hope, despairing_

Nick Jordan

Nick stood watching Sam start busying herself by making the two of them a coffee and found himself eyeing her up and down for a physical sign that would demonstrate the scale of how badly affected she was by the emotional state she was obviously in. He recalled his desperation to leave the hospital, barely completing any handover to the next shift's Clinical Lead, before running to his car and speeding off in the direction of Dr Nicholls' abode. He knew that he had almost battered the door down in his haste to gain access to her flat, continually shouting through the letterbox and insisting to the girl inside that he was not going anywhere until she let him in and whilst he remembered the immediate wave of relief that had washed over him when she had opened the door apparently in one piece, he recollected that this had been replaced almost as quickly as it had arrived with an unsettling fear that had still refused to leave his mind on seeing the air of devastation that hung over her like a cloud on a stormy day.

He studied her features as she now stood motionless waiting for the kettle to boil and had to acknowledge how pale she looked, her hair hanging messily down her back and tear stains run dry across her cheeks. If he had asked anyone outside of their immediate circle he knew that none of them would have ever guessed that this woman was a highly skilled and competent medic, because in that one moment she looked more like a frightened young patient than the authoritative doctor he knew she was.

"I just need to use your toilet," he stated simply, breaking the silence but receiving no response from his companion in return. He left the kitchen without further comment and headed towards the other side of the flat where he presumed that he would find her bathroom but hesitated on seeing the open door to her bedroom instead. He looked back down the hall to check that she was not following him before entering the room with more than a hint of trepidation at the unknown awfulness that may await him inside.

Nick had to admit to himself that he had absolutely no idea what he was actually looking for but from his earlier conversation with Dylan he was frightened for Sam's safety in her own company and had this overwhelming need to put his own mind at rest by rummaging through her belongings, no matter how great an invasion of privacy she may view this as if she caught him out. He opened the doors of her cupboards one by one, before turning his attention to the chest of drawers and was aghast to see how little any of the units contained. From his own veritable history with women he was well aware that they tended to own more clothes, accessories and pairs of shoes than any normal human being could possibly ever wear and whilst he considered that Sam was not like the majority of the women he had dated, it shocked him nonetheless to see the minimal possessions that she seemed to own. The fact that he was certain that this was not because she had put most of her items in storage already before her departure for a warzone, more that what was present was the sum total of everything she had ever had, gave him an overwhelming sense of sadness at how little roots she seemed to have put down in the world. To him it felt as if her room was devoid of all personality, almost to the point that an outsider would have assumed that it was a show house rather than someone's actual home and he wondered with despair whether Sam had always been quite this detached from the life going on outside her own front door or if this was a worrying new development.

Nick forced himself to exit the bedroom so that he could continue his investigations of her flat before she realised that he was still missing from beside her. He headed directly for the only door in the place that could have been for the bathroom and as he pushed it open he gasped without conscious thought at the macabre scene of medical equipment left out on the shelf as if someone had been interrupted mid procedure. He picked up a few of the items and from their markings recognised them as being army issue, so had to assume that she had kept these from her last tour of duty and therefore made a mental note to confront her before he left that night as to exactly why she had retained them and the potentially horrifying reason as to why the implements had been so recently in use.

He spied the bathroom cabinet with a slightly ajar door and allowed curiosity to get the better of him as he pulled it open and stared inside. The empty bottom shelf was as worrying as it was unexpected, but he noted that there was nothing of interest in the remainder of the cupboard so closed the door with a heavy heart before heading back towards the kitchen.

Nick found himself pausing in the living area and scanned the room before his eyes came to settle on the bag Sam had earlier snatched from her locker lying by the sofa. He glanced back in the direction of the kitchen and could see that despite the kettle being long since boiled in his absence, the woman making the drinks appeared lost in thought and completely unaware of his presence behind her. He cautiously approached the bag before undoing the zip and reaching inside, pulling out the small number of items that were present in its contents. He quickly replaced the purse, keys, comb and small make up bag without further examination and instead found himself staring at a crumpled photo of Sam, Dylan and their dog in happier times, apparently walking somewhere remote together on a holiday or similar he guessed. He brought the picture closer up to his face and studied the girl's expression intently, allowing himself to consider whether there had always been such a despondent sadness evident in her eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?" Sam's voice shouted angrily from behind him and Nick found himself spinning round to come face to face with the annoyed looking woman, who moved towards him at speed and snatched the photo possessively from his grasp before he could react, storming back into the kitchen without further word.

"Sam," he called out after her, knowing that he would need to apologise for his apparent breach of her trust in order to rectify the situation and padded after her back towards her kitchen area. "Will you let me explain please?" he added pleadingly.

"Are you looking for these?" she retorted accusingly, throwing him a box of hospital issue painkillers bearing her name. Nick hastily opened the packet and was dismayed and sickened in equal measure to see that it was empty. He looked up at her pale, slightly tepid looking complexion and dulled expression with horror as he realised the possible consequences of such an event having taken place.

"They're down there," Sam stated pointedly, as if reading his mind and gesturing at the sink as she did so. He headed in that direction and peered towards where a cloudy watery residue filled with crushed pill remains littered the plug hole. "I managed to get eight of them down before I could hear Dylan's voice inside my head," she continued forlornly, as if regretting that she had ceased taking them but causing Nick to reflect on whether Sam had actually brought the pills back up through choice or because of the vomit inducing emetic this particular drug contained. However he hoped with all his strength that she had more than enough medical knowledge to be aware that taking so many would have forced her to be violently ill in the first place so therefore perhaps had not intentionally been trying to take her own life.

"Whatever else has gone on I know he feels awful about how it's all turned out and I couldn't have him feeling guilty forever for something that wasn't his fault," Sam added, explaining her actions and snapping Nick out of his thoughts. "I can either face up to everything that is going on or I can run away back to Afghanistan, isn't that what you've been trying to tell me all along?" she asked directly. "I know Dylan would have told you how much of a risk I pose to myself," she said as if this was a normal factual statement rather than one to frighten him senseless. "But as well as he thinks he knows me, I know me better and I like to think I'm stronger than that. A few years ago I might well have gone through with it, but not anymore."

"Let me in Sam," Nick interjected, trying to bring the focus back away from her apparent history of suicidal thoughts but feeling a slight weight lift from his shoulders on hearing that she had made a conscious choice not to go through with her plan even if that decision had occurred after she had first swallowed the potentially fatal dose. "Don't keep pushing me away, I just want to help you," he added, wanting to make her see that he was not going to walk away from her without putting up a fight.

"Why?" she argued, her eyes flashing with fire as she stared him down. "I'm not your problem anymore remember," she continued with a rawness in her tone that sliced through him like a knife. "I resigned didn't I?"

"Whatever you might think, there are people out there in the world that actually care about what happens to you," Nick responded firmly. "I happen to be one of them and right now all I can see is a scared young girl who is pushing everyone away for fear of getting hurt," he elaborated, matching her earlier bluntness with his own attempt at straight talking honesty.

"I'm not scared," Sam countered instantly as Nick watched her hand tighten around the photo she was still clutching. "And I don't need any of you."

"Since when was it a crime to show a bit of emotion?" he found himself asking without pausing to think through her possible answers. "Since when was it wrong to need a bit of help and support sometimes?" he continued, but not getting any response other than a stubborn look from Sam in reply. "Dylan is every bit as worried about you as I am," he explained, trying to show that he was not the only one wanting to be by her side but wishing that the girl's husband had had the courage to say to her all the things he had confided in Nick himself not long before as he doubted that this situation would have escalated so far if Sam had been able to take well-needed comfort from Dylan's unquestioning love for her. "In fact he was the one that suggested you might appreciate a bit of, um," he added, hesitating momentarily to find the right words. "Parental guidance to talk things through with someone."

"You're not my dad and you never will be, no matter what you think," Sam hissed at him, failing to suppress a bitter laugh as she did so. "But good luck with that, because the last thing I need is another useless parent. I mean you don't even have any kids of your own, so why the hell would I listen to your attempts at fatherly advice?" she questioned with venom, practically spitting the words at him and wounding him deeply with her remark instantaneously. Nick recalled that he had called his own paternal relationship with Dr Nicholls into question on many occasions in the last few weeks, trying time and again to establish quite why it was she that he had become so very attached to but other than her reminding him of a younger version of himself he had not yet managed to come up with a coherent theory that answered his unspoken question. Nonetheless he knew that his emotional investment in Sam was unlikely to diminish any time soon, especially in light of her husband's earlier indication that he was entrusting responsibility for the girl's safety and care to him as her surrogate father figure.

"I'm not trying to be your dad Sam, but I do want to help you," Nick responded cautiously, supressing his own hurt at her dismissal of him as it would not help his cause at that moment. "But I do care about what happens to you and from what Dylan told me, I have every reason to be worried," he added to prove his point, but thinking nevertheless that if there was one thing he was sure of it was that the woman in front of him definitely needed someone standing with her in her corner, fighting away demons and loneliness on her behalf, whether that be a parent, a husband or even just someone she could really trust.

"I don't know why," she answered almost silently and he watched as she chewed on her bottom lip, obviously struggling with the thoughts swirling through her mind. "I'm damaged and broken beyond repair and there is nothing you or Dylan can do to fix that and take this all away," she sadly elaborated. "Surely he would have told you that much as well?" she added simply. "I was broken long before he ever loved me," she continued with a vivid despondency that brought tears to prickle the back of Nick's eyes. "I was just better at papering over the cracks back then, that's all. And you should be grateful you aren't my dad, because I'm not his perfect little girl anymore, not his or Dylan's, and eventually all the men in my life come to realise that. I'm sure you won't be any different."

Nick spied the tears that were in the back of her deep absorbing eyes but before he could give any further comment she turned away and returned to making the coffee she had started when he had first entered her flat, despite being hindered by the picture still firmly in her grasp. Within seconds he noticed the now familiar sight of her shoulders shaking as she began to descend into silent sobs, a reaction it scared him to realise that she was a near expert in despite her apparent wish to appear an emotional blank canvas. He reached out to touch her back reassuringly but she flinched from his touch apparently instinctively and gripped the work surface with her free hand so tightly that Nick witnessed her knuckles go white. His trail of thought immediately jumped to the upcoming army medical that he was now certain she would not pass and whilst he could not help but feel relieved that she was unlikely to be going anywhere any time soon, it concerned him that the very reason for that could be that she was heading straight for the psychiatric ward instead.

He slowly replaced his hand on her lower back and moved closer towards her, trying to offer her a physical presence of comfort as if he somehow believed that would deal with her emotional torment. Sam stretched her hand out to the delicate looking porcelain cup of sugar that appeared to be at odds with the rest of the practical crockery in her kitchen and again Nick witnessed her grasp it tightly in her fingers, almost as if she was trying to gain some strength from its presence in her hand he didn't wonder.

However as he observed her tiny movement he was distracted by the photograph that had once been forcefully held in her grip dropping to the floor but now crumpled into a tight screwed up ball as if the happy image it contained had done something to warrant its destruction. Within moments there was the piercing sound of shattering glass as the cup smashed under the weight of pressure Sam's other hand was sustaining upon it and an accompanying shout from the girl herself as the porcelain cut deeply into her skin. Nick found himself automatically moving forwards at speed to yank her away from the fractured crockery but as he grabbed out for that hand he was unable to prevent her from throwing one of the two coffee mugs at the wall across the room from where they stood. The loud smash as it broke apart on impact stunned them both fleetingly into submission but as Nick found himself momentarily distracted by that noise he felt Sam struggle against his grip before she freed herself and frantically swept the remainder of the mugs, pots, broken sugar cups and cutlery from the work surface on to the floor as she let out the most ear piercing scream, finally allowing herself to release the full force of her anger and tears onto the inanimate objects in front of her.

Nick failed to move for a second; unable to process the devastating escalation in pure emotion that he was witnessing in the crazed behaviour of the girl he had long since learned to love. However on coming to his senses and realising the real risk she now posed to herself surrounded by the jagged points of the broken crockery on the floor, especially in light of the crimson red blood streaming from the deep gash in her hand, he made another grab out for Sam and dragged her back towards him away from the scene of the disaster.

He pulled her back into him and restrained her, trying to shut out the dismay he felt at the frightened expression that was fixed across the girl's face as he held her tightly into him. He winced as she lashed out at him repeatedly, in much the same way as she had done to Mr Ellis no more than two hours before, but whilst he managed to keep her held safely in his embrace it took all his strength to hold onto her as he was certain her abject fear had made her stronger than she would ever normally be. After what felt like a lifetime, but must have been no longer than thirty seconds, of Sam continuing to berate him physically for his restraint she finally dissolved into a mess of distressing sobs and streaming tears in his arms and went completely limp and lifeless in his embrace.

"It's okay Sam," Nick said reassuringly, whispering into the tousled mane of hair that was thrust under his chin as her head buried itself into his chest and warm salty tears began to soak into his shirt. "It's okay, let it all out. I'm right here." As he spoke her being a dead weight in his arms took its toll and he found himself collapsing to the floor with her still wrapped tightly in his arms, scooping her up and pulling her closer to him as they hit the ground. He could hear her heart beating rapidly against his own as she continued to cry, but as her tears escalated further once again he felt her tense up in his arms in a demonstration of fear he did not doubt.

"I was raped," she whispered from somewhere in the messy bundle on his lap. "I was raped," she said again, louder this time and he was certain he had now heard her correctly, forcing a wave of horror to build up inside of him and threaten to escape. "I was raped," she screamed, piercing the unspoken tension in the room with louder words than Nick had ever heard her speak. "I was raped," she screamed again one final time before the enormity of the words caused her to howl out a yell that he was fairly sure was close to inhuman in its depth and intensity.

He felt her sobbing stop from underneath his chin but as Sam's words began to sink into his consciousness and he realised with devastation the unspeakable experience that had once triggered the girl's descent into despair and isolation he heard her elicit the smallest of whimpers, almost cat like in noise, and it was that tiny sound representing everything that was young and vulnerable about her that finally caused him to break for the broken woman stuck in the horrors of her terrifying past.

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><p><strong>Thank you very much for reading and I hope that you now feel you may have some answers to questions you've been asking me all along, and I promise the next chapter will further that cause. <strong>

**Reviews would obviously be very welcome, because they make me smile as ever. And the next update will be up in a couple of days. Callie x**


	19. The definition of pain

**Sorry for the delay in posting this up, but this is a bit of a mammoth update and the emotive nature of the subject matter took me a long time to get right. I was not prepared to post this up half heartedly, it had to feel right and I'm sure you will understand that as you read. This update will finally give you some of the answers you have been asking for, in fact it is the focus I have been heading to the entire fic and therefore I am hoping it does not disappoint.**

**Thank you to everyone for reading, reviewing and tweeting about the last update and to all of those who have shared writing with me in the last few weeks (new writers and ones I have been reading myself for months), I've really enjoyed all the discussions about the process and love of fanfic writing. Extra special mentions go to my girlie Megan for being brave enough to post up her fic, for the tweeting fangirls I've been obsessing with on Twitter over Casualty clips (you know who you are), to Meggi for being a star, for Ficmouse for being my sounding board and for Anny, for just being you and for sharing 4am with me on too many occasions this week, especially my traumatised mood over this update. Plus lastly this update is dedicated to a lady called Alison who left me the most amazing review which almost made me cry - if you read this, please find a way to get in touch with me. I'd love to talk to you. **

**Right, so here we go with the next update. Please note: This chapter is about pain, it references rape, self harm and all the unpleasant things I've spoken about before in this fic, only in more detail. Just be aware of that. Please. Love you all. Callie x**

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of pain**

_Pain: noun; highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury, mental suffering or distress_

Sam Nicholls

Sam wondered back into the living room fresh from the shower she had desperately needed to feel clean following thoughts of the past dominating her mind and allowed herself to consider the unnerving strangeness of the situation she now faced. She could hear the man that primarily was her boss, but was also someone that she both cared deeply for yet had just ranted at before breaking down in his arms, banging about in her kitchen and she felt a sense of guilt at the mess and destruction she had left him to clear up. She stood in the centre of her living space, dressed simply in her checked pyjama bottoms and an oversized hooded top, with her still damp hair hanging limply down her back and surveyed the scene in front of her before clambering into the midst of her duvet that inexplicably had come to find itself on the floor by her sofa and drew it around her for warmth and comfort.

"How are you feeling?" Nick's voice came from behind her and she turned to see him entering the room with two steaming mugs and a plate balanced carefully in his hands. "Sorry daft question," he added with a slight shake of the head as if he wanted to take back what he had just said and Sam instinctively found herself thinking that even doctors could struggle to find the words when their patient was someone they knew well. She shot him back a small smile in an act of reassurance before she took the mug and plate she was being offered. "It's hot chocolate," Nick interjected on seeing her bemused expression. "It was in the cupboard so I assumed you liked it and I thought it might be more, um, soothing than just coffee," he continued with apparent uncertainty.

"Thank you," Sam responded simply, appreciative of his efforts to take care of her despite her usual dismissal of such acts of kindness before she gratefully took a sip of the sweet liquid and then a mouthful of the crispy toast that adorned the plate, remembering that it had been quite a while since she had allowed sustenance of any sort to pass her lips with the exception of highly caffeinated drinks. She looked back up at the man standing awkwardly in front of her before shuffling sideways in her cocoon so that he could start to sit down and as she nibbled on the food she couldn't help but note how stressed out and tired Nick Jordan appeared to be, with his shirt sleeves rolled up in work mode but with the unusual sight of water stains evident from her complete disintegration in his arms just earlier on.

"Let me take a look at that," Nick stated, reaching over to place her mug down on the floor the other side of her and taking hold of the badly gashed hand that she had roughly strapped up before entering the shower. "Your first aid kit is rather interesting by the way," he elaborated with a slightly pointed tone, causing Sam to look away from his gaze as she realised he appeared to have sourced several items from her army medical supply stash at some point since she had sliced herself on the broken crockery a short time before.

She watched with interest as the man she had definitely come to think of as the only father she had that counted, regardless of her earlier words to the contrary, begun re-dressing the deep wound across her palm and felt an odd sense of calm settle across her for the first time in ten days, which she realised with a tinge of sadness was because she finally felt safe for the first time since Mr Ellis, and her belief of Dylan's relationship with Zoe, had knocked her sideways.

"I owe you an explanation about Ash," she started, realising that for the first time since the awful events of four years ago had occurred she was willing to speak aloud about them to someone other than the husband who had stood by her throughout it all.

"You don't owe me anything Sam," Nick replied with such a sympathetic tone that she felt the tears prickle the back of eyes once more before she furiously blinked them away. If there was only one thing that she was certain of it was that if she was going to speak about Ash's part in her life back then she would not give him the satisfaction of crying over his role in her downfall as she did so. "But if you want to tell me, I'm right here and ready to listen, and I would consider it an honour that you trusted me enough to confide in me," Nick stated without any force and she looked down at him gently squeezing her arm to indicate he was very much present by her side.

"Dylan always felt it was his fault you know?" she started, gaining the full attention of her companion as she did so. "But it wasn't, it was never his fault. Not even a little bit," she continued with sadness as she remembered. "He was our mentor though so had been charged with our care and I think he just couldn't get past feeling like he failed me when actually he was the one thing that saved my life," she concluded with despair.

"Ashley worked with you both then?" Nick questioned, still busying himself dressing her hand and Sam found herself grateful that she would be spared the indignity of seeing the empathy in his eyes as she spoke.

"Yeah," she began slowly, carefully allowing the memories to come flooding back as she took deep breaths to steady her nerves. "We started our placements at the same time and we were both allocated to work under Dylan for reasons I never quite understood," she explained. "I'd been to med school with Ash you see and over the years we had become really good friends," she continued, remembering all the term breaks when their fellow students had returned home to their families and the two of them had been left alone in halls without another person in the world to turn to except each other having no real family of their own to speak of. "We both liked a good night out, drinking everyone else under the table and living it up. You know what med students are like I'm sure?" she queried and met Nick's brief gaze with a wry smile as they somehow managed in spite of the seriousness of the conversation to share a brief moment of amusement at the drunken antics young doctors were renowned for.

"So Ash was a friend of yours before all this then?" Nick asked and Sam was sure that she could hear a horrified reluctance in his tone on this fact becoming apparent to him for the first time.

"The only one I had ever really had," Sam answered quietly. "I did have people around me at university, don't get me wrong, but there was no one who understood quite like he seemed to and we just clicked," she justified, despite feeling nauseous at her own defence of her previous friendship with the man that had caused her so much harm. "But everything changed the day I met Dylan, it really did," she continued, reminiscing immediately about that first meeting with the man she had loved in a heartbeat. "He walked straight through the department as if the two of us weren't there and I don't think I could decide if he was a mad scientific genius or the Sherlock Holmes of medicine, but I knew that being around him was addictive and I was hooked from day one," she described, closing her eyes to picture in her mind how those first few weeks together had played out as she had fallen more and more deeply for her mentor regardless of knowing how wrong those feelings were. "He only ever called me 'you' or 'thingy' for ages and it almost felt like a challenge he was setting down, like I had to prove I was good enough for him to remember my name."

"How long did it take him to notice you then?" Nick interrupted, prompting Sam's memories to skip forward a month or so from that first meeting.

"Ash and I made different calls in resus and Dylan gave me the go ahead to proceed with mine even though it sounded riskier," she found herself explaining. "When it came good against all the odds he just nodded at me and called me 'Samantha', and even though it sounds so insignificant now you know what he is like and hearing him just say my name like that nearly caused me to fall over," she added softly, recalling without hesitation how carefully he had defined her name that very first time he had uttered it as if the syllables were alien to his tongue. "I'd already fallen for him long before that, but after I couldn't get him out of my head," she admitted sheepishly. "He was gruff and grumpy and he demanded excellence in every single diagnosis even if it meant him standing there staring at me until I eventually came up with the right answer but all that meant was I spent every spare moment of time I had pouring over text books he had mentioned or staying up all night researching techniques most E.D. docs would never have even heard of," she clarified, before wincing slightly as Mr Jordan tightened the newly wrapped bandage around her hand and shot her a small apologetic look as he did so.

"You were obviously very close," he stated without any pointed slant on his words she noted, unlike the tone others had used in the past when talking about her relationship with her husband. "Was Ash jealous of all this time you were spending together?" he asked, causing Sam to take a deep breath and chew down hard on her lip as she recollected the turn of events.

"Ash didn't understand my fascination with Dylan," she stated in reply. "And he was always so angry with him for being hard on me, even though I never asked him to keep jumping to my defence," she continued before pausing slightly. "I don't know if he was jealous," she acknowledged. "All I do know is that Dylan was in a bad way back then, he was erratic and all over the place because of his drinking but I was too close to see any of that. I covered for him once or twice when he seemed completely out of it, but I just assumed it was the pressure of work getting to him not that he actually had a problem with alcohol," she recalled with a sense of regret. Sam still could not believe how she had not spotted the alcohol fuelled chaos that had blighted Dr Keogh's life back then, but a lifetime of watching drunken squaddies falling about on the various army bases her father had dragged her to live on as a child had definitely coloured her view of what constituted an alcohol problem before she had actually been confronted with one. "Ash was far more detached from it all than I was so maybe he could see that more clearly, but he used to get really annoyed when I protected Dylan and because I was working night and day to make an impression Ash and I started drifting apart even though we worked together all the time."

"So, what happened next?" Nick enquired, prompting Sam to realise that she had trailed off deep into thought and she snapped her head round to look at him in surprise at the interruption to the words swirling inside her head. "If you're still alright to keep telling me that is?" he asked with an air of insecurity.

"There was an awful accident and Dylan and I got dragged out to the scene to help," she remembered aloud, thinking back to the horror of the crash site she had seen that day, a memory that had never left her despite her fondness for being in the thick of things on call outside the E.D. in recent years. "It was the first time I had been out on site and when my patient died in my arms it was all I could do not to go to pieces," she confessed, more to herself than the other person in the room who was now staring at her intently. "As soon as we got back to the hospital I clocked off shift and headed straight for the pub and that's where Dylan found me a few hours later trying to drink away the pain inside my head," she disclosed frankly. "He walked me home back to where loads of us lived in student digs at the back of the hospital and he came in to sober me up a bit so we could have a debrief," she continued, scrunching up her eyes as she buried herself back in the memory of that particularly awful day. She thought back to the moment he had ordered her into the shower to wake her up and how she had exited wrapped in no more than a towel to find him sitting uncomfortably perched on the edge of her bed, as she had no real seating area to speak of, coffee mugs in both hands before they sat in silence for a while drinking their mutually favoured drink. She recalled how embarrassed she had been as she watched him spy all the medical text books and research papers that littered her room, each one selected purely because of his penchant for mentioning it to her in the preceding few weeks.

"I made an awkward pass at him," she added, recollecting the moment she had stood up quickly to remove herself from the awkwardness of the situation only to have him join her just as fast, with the two of them coming to pause only centimetres apart facing each other before she instinctively tipped her head upwards and clumsily kissed his cheek. "I wasn't drunk, no matter what he thought," she chipped in, as a defence of the man who she knew had always believed against her protestations had taken advantage despite the fact that they both were well aware she had been the one to instigate that first passionate encounter. She drifted back to thoughts of how strong his hands had felt around the back of her head as his fingers intertwined with her wet hair and his mouth met hers in a deep caress until he had dropped them down to remove her towel and how she had gasped at how exposed she felt under his gaze with her battery of old scars evident across her body. "He told me I was beautiful," she remembered fondly but with heartbreak at the same time, as she recalled the moment he had lain her back on the bed and made her feel invincible under his tender touch.

"But the next day it was as if it hadn't even happened," she said, pushing down the wave of emotion that threatened to engulf her. "He just laughed it off like nothing had happened and whilst I know now that it was because he was scared of opening up to me when he was in such a mess, back then I just thought he'd used me to get what he wanted," she continued to explain, still refusing to meet her companion's eye as she heard the cruel laugh Dylan had elicited that morning play out in her head as if it were mocking her once again. "He'd told me I was beautiful," she echoed her earlier words, remembering the anger she had felt at feeling betrayed by him lying just to get her into bed, especially as she had always believed that sex should mean more than a drunken fumble. "And I was so embarrassed at how easily I'd let him get what he wanted," she concluded. "But I couldn't go back and change what happened, so I just went to work as if nothing was wrong even though it stung so badly. Ash stuck by my side that shift and I remember thinking how lovely he was, what a good friend he was, how much I should never have pushed him away," she added. "That night there was due to be a charity event at the hospital for the new cancer wing and we'd all had our arms twisted into going, but I really wasn't in the mood after what had happened. Ash persuaded me to go; he even borrowed me a killer black dress from one of the nurses so I looked the part," she continued. "We walked in together arm in arm and I spent the night getting drunk by his side," she ended, remembering how she had spent most of the evening focused on Dylan's stoic form across the room in spite of her best efforts as she had watched him being as socially inept as she now knew him to be and stand away from everyone else as he suffered his forced imprisonment in the party atmosphere.

"Was it that night that Ash, um, that he, you know?" Nick prompted, but obviously struggled to find the appropriate words.

"That he raped me?" Sam responded bluntly, before nodding. "Yes, yes it was. We walked back to the flats together, Ash lived just down the corridor to me you see," she clarified. "I'd had a bit to drink so he said he'd see me indoors and the next thing I know he had followed me into the room," she continued, hearing her heart pound in her chest at the weight of the memory that was bearing down on her. "He kissed me, but I laughed him off. He was more like a brother to me than anything else you know?" she stated expectantly and felt relief to see Nick nod in an acknowledgment of understanding. "I had never once thought about him like that, but he suddenly got all serious and started telling me about all the times I led him on," she recalled, thinking back to him citing his witnessing her one night stand on her 21st birthday as an example of how she was quite prepared to sleep around with other people. "He had seen Dylan come home with me the night before and he said after all the times he stood by me, it was only right I finally gave him what he wanted," she explained, pushing from her mind the best she could the awful words Ash had whispered in her ear about her reckless fling with their mentor as he had shoved her back towards the bed she had shared with the man she loved only twenty four hours before. "I always thought I was strong, physically I mean, but that night I'd been drinking and I was so confused," she added, trying to make the point that she had never expected not to be safe in Ash's company and therefore her defences had already been down when he made his aggressive move. "I fought him off the best I could, but he kept kissing me and pulling at my clothes, and he was pushing me backwards until he fell on top of me," she recollected with horror, instinctively squeezing her fingers into her palms as she did so and grimacing in pain as she pushed straight into the bandaged laceration across her palm as she remembered how she had tried to fight him off her and had struggled in his grasp as she turned her head away from his tirade of violent kisses. "I kept saying no and I told him to stop, but he had hold of my wrists, he wouldn't let go and there was nothing I could do, there was nothing I could do," she finished sadly, gulping down the bile that had risen in her throat and forcing her fingers further into the wound until she found Nick's hand grasped around her own and his touch stroking her skin in comfort and preventing her from causing herself further harm.

"You did everything you could Sam," Mr Jordan stated from beside her, his tone reassuring but it sounded as if he was close to tears on hearing her words. "This wasn't your fault."

"I didn't fight him off though, not really," Sam admitted desolately as she reflected back on the moment she had frozen underneath his weight in spite of her fear as he had released her wrists and had turned his attention to pushing the tight material of her uncomfortable borrowed black dress up around her thighs, tearing both it and her tights as he did so, before turning his attention to removing his own clothing. "I should have been strong enough to push him away, but I didn't do anything," she added. "I just lay there and let him rape me," she concluded, choking on the words.

"You were scared, you had every right to be," Nick replied with compassion, squeezing her hand tightly with his own. "You trusted him and he totally betrayed the friendship the two of you had. He violated you," he furthered, pausing before continuing. "He had no right to do what he did to you, none at all."

"I was so frightened," she found herself replying with an honesty she wasn't used to giving herself let alone another human being, even Dylan. "It was as if everything I thought I knew just got turned upside down and there was nothing I could do. I just wanted to run but I had nowhere to go."

"Can I be frank with you?" Nick asked her earnestly and as she met his eyes to give him a silent permission to continue she recognised a sadness that she had once seen in her husband every time he had held her as she cried herself to sleep locked in the nightmares of that fateful night. "As I've got to know you I couldn't help but wonder what it was that stopped you from trusting us. I thought perhaps you were just guarded after what happened with Dylan, but somehow I knew there was more to it than that," he continued. "I didn't realise he was your husband at first but let's just say I wasn't as surprised as some of the others to find out that this was indeed the case. There was something about the way you instinctively trusted him and his judgement, which given what Dr Keogh is like with most people I didn't understand," he elaborated, clearly trying to explain his point to her. "I guess what I'm saying is that whilst I knew things were difficult between the two of you it wasn't him you were running from and all I've been able to hope ever since, was that one day you would realise I wasn't going anywhere and you could trust me too," he concluded, closing his eyes briefly and causing Sam to bite down a sob that threatened to escape her on her recognition of quite how much this man cared for her.

"I'm sorry for not trusting you until now," she responded hoarsely, emotion coursing through her veins and filling her heart more rapidly than she felt able to deal with but finding herself coming once again under the compassionate gaze of her father figure.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he answered with a simplicity that made her want to cry as he allowed his hand to release its tight grip on her and she found herself watching as their fingers flicked together until they were securely intertwined. "I understand," he added, "I just wish there was something I could do to take it all away."

"You're here aren't you?" Sam interjected. "I've never had enough faith in anyone else except Dylan to even start telling them any of this, believe me," she explained. "I guess I never needed anyone else until I realised I was losing him too, but by then I thought I was better off dealing with it on my own," she concluded, knowing that she had thought she had long since dealt with the trauma by wrapping it up tightly and burying it deeply inside, but recognised now that by failing to face it she had only caused the pain to engulf her and Ash's actions had been allowed to control her thoughts and colour her view of the world around her far more than she would ever before have accepted they had done. "I thought if I distanced myself from it then it would go away, that it would be easier that way," she admitted for the first time. "I hated that I had allowed him to make me feel so fragile."

"Did you ever get any help?" Nick questioned, looking to her for an answer but one she felt unable to give him without offering further explanation. "Did you report it to the police?"

"I didn't go to work the next day," she started, remembering how she had sat motionless on her bed with her duvet wrapped around her after she had bolted the door as soon as he left. "I never even called in; I just couldn't face dealing with anyone or anything. The next thing I knew it was lunchtime and Dylan was kicking my door down," she explained, as the memory of him walking in on her hysterical with fright at the sudden disturbance and still in a state of undress from where Ash had forcibly removed her clothes threatened to overwhelm her. "I don't know how he knew something was wrong, but somehow he didn't need me to tell him," she continued, thinking back to how Dylan had drawn her into his arms and held her close in his warm embrace for hours as she cried. She knew that it had been fear rather than love that had allowed her to let him be so close, remembering how she had tried to push the thoughts of how damaged she was out of her mind as he had rocked her gently and whispered into her hair as Nick Jordan had done when she broke down not long ago. "He took me to the police station and they took a statement, but it was pretty obvious that they weren't going to pursue it," she added, before acknowledging her companions surprise. "What? Within the space of a day I had 'slept' with two men," she described, adding emphasis on the word slept as she knew that this was not how she would want Ash's actions towards her explained away. "I'd been under the influence of alcohol on both occasions and they had both been colleagues, yet one was consensual and one was rape. If you were the one charged with looking into that case what chances of conviction do you think you would have?" she queried pointedly, knowing that Nick would have no satisfactory answer for her. Sam allowed herself to bring to mind the moment she had realised that the police would not be going after Ash for his assault and how she knew she had lost any chance she had of mentally gaining the upper hand with him instantaneously. However she recalled that it had been Dylan's reaction that had shocked her the most, as she had watched the man argue viciously with the allocated detective about his lack of professionalism and had tried to dispute the difference between his own liaison with her and Ash's subsequent attack. His defence that their own night together had been 'an intensely personal experience that he did not wish to discuss but meant far more too him than a one night stand' had only confused her further though, as if anything at that point in time she had been clearer on where she stood with her rapist, in recognising their intimacy for the assault that it was, than she had been about her connection with the man she actually loved who had brushed her aside the morning before.

"So if the police didn't pursue the case, did you have to continue working with him?" Nick asked with revulsion, stroking the back of her hand with his fingers almost absentmindedly and causing her to nod.

"Don't get me wrong, I really didn't want to but what choice did I have?" Sam responded. "I had to pass my initial placement and Dylan was adamant that I shouldn't let Ash take that away from me too," she continued, remembering the argument that had occurred when she had been resolute to just walking away even though they had both known she had nowhere else to go. "I couldn't bear to stay back at my digs with him just down the corridor so Dylan made the decision that I was better off in his spare room where he could supervise me," she explained. "I hated that I needed him so much but I think he knew that I was lying when I said I was coping to be fair," she added, recalling the nights when inexplicably the dog she had come to love as her own had appeared on her bed despite her bedroom door apparently having remained closed in her absence and she had known Dylan realised how much comfort she drew from having Dervla sleeping by her side as she cried herself to sleep. "But me being there just gave him something else to worry about and every day when we got home he used to get steadily more drunk even though he knew it was freaking me out," she described, remembering with regret the nights she had been forced to leave him to sleep off yet another drinking binge after covering his sleeping form on the couch with a blanket. "I kept telling him he couldn't go on like this, but I wasn't strong enough to keep my own head above the water let alone his as well."

"Was that when the complaint was made against him?" Nick questioned, causing Sam to look at him in alarm. "It was in his file," he explained simply and she found herself acknowledging that point with a dip of the head.

"Everyone found out I was living with him which just made the situation worse, because of course they all assumed that he had taken advantage and suddenly I wasn't allowed to be his student anymore," she stated dismissively. "Dylan tried to argue with them but I was determined they wouldn't find out what had happened so we just had to accept the decision. He hated that suddenly we were on different shifts and I knew he was finding it difficult to work with Ash, but he had always seemed so strong that I just thought he could cope," she admitted reluctantly, not wanting to recollect her own failure to spot how quickly the situation had deteriorated when she wasn't looking in his direction. "He got drunk before a night shift and when Ash made a mistake he was quick to drop him in it so the next thing I knew Dylan was threatened with suspension," she recalled, breathing deeply as she remembered the awful row that had occurred between them when she had tried to apologise for her part in what had happened against Dr Keogh's insistence that none of it had been her fault.

"The GMC found in his favour in the end though," Nick interjected, pulling her from her thoughts.

"Not before his reputation was completely destroyed though," Sam snapped back, instantly feeling awful for her harsh tone. "He would never tell you that it mattered to him, but in those last few weeks whilst they investigated I watched him get pushed so close to the edge under everyone's gaze," she continued. "It made me sick that Ash was getting a kick out of punishing Dylan because of me but then he made a point of telling everyone me and him had had a one night stand and they all just believed him. Everyone was talking about me and I couldn't take the pressure anymore," she explained. "I knew things were disintegrating around me, but I just couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted the pain to stop."

"Dylan said you crashed your car," Nick stated without a pause and Sam wondered quite how much of their past her husband had thought to disclose to this man without her consent, but found it oddly comforting he had been able to finally open up to someone after all of these years of silence.

"I'd only had the car a few months," she recalled, thinking back to the beautiful light blue mini that had briefly been her pride and joy. "It was the first thing I had ever saved up for and bought myself, so it meant the world to me," she clarified, knowing that she had deliberately made the decision not to own another vehicle since the accident to prevent any chance of a recurrence of the events of that night. "I don't remember much about what happened after that but I do know they had to put me in restraints when I got to the hospital," she said with embarrassment, as she brought to mind how she had lashed out at those around her who had tried to help as the memories of the rape had threatened to overwhelm her semi-conscious mind.

"You were scared, which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances," Nick responded cautiously.

"I guess," Sam admitted after considering the possibility of such a suggestion. "The first thing I really remember is Dylan holding me down on the hospital bed and asking me to trust him," she recalled. "It was the first time anyone had grabbed hold of me since that night, but somehow I wasn't frightened," she explained and thought back to how gentle Dylan's touch had felt against her wrists despite his actions directly echoing the violence perpetrated against her by Ash a mere matter of weeks beforehand. "He knew it wasn't an accident without me saying anything," she disclosed. "I don't know whether I was actually trying to harm myself or whether I just decided not to take any action to save myself," she confessed, remembering the initial disappointment she had felt on coming to in the E.D. and recalled letting go of the steering wheel as her car headed into the trees. "I just wanted to be someone else, someone stronger."

"I'm sure you gave Dylan quite a fright," Nick responded. "You've already given me a scare with those pills Sam, you can't keep doing this to yourself," he added, reminding her of how just hours ago she had been determined to take an overdose to end the torment inside her mind before the indescribably awful taste of the painkillers as she had struggled to get them down had forced her to reconsider what she was doing. Her gag reflex had luckily been instantaneous but she knew that the tears that had streamed down her cheeks had been more from fear at the act she had just tried to commit than they had been about the nausea that had overtaken her as she vomited into the kitchen sink.

"Dylan told me I was beautiful again that day in the hospital," Sam replied, ignoring the words the man by her side had just spoken because she could not admit to him yet how true they were. "I got so annoyed with him for lying to me just like he'd done before after everything we'd been through, but he said he wasn't," she added and remembered how sad her closest confidante at the time had looked when she admitted that despite it all she had not been able to trust his honesty and how he looked wounded on hearing her cite that declaration as something that had led to her being vulnerable to Ash's actions. "He said he would make me three promises and no matter what else happened, he would always stick to them even if everything changed," she added. "He promised he would never lie to me. He promised he would never drink again. He promised that he would never leave my side until I was ready to walk away," she listed, recalling the moment Dylan had made it clear to her despite her assertions to the contrary that he knew one day she would want her freedom back and he would never prevent her from going, just that he would always hope she would one day return to his side. "He told me I was beautiful again," she added, remembering how somehow it had made sense for her to accept that compliment from him given the intensity of the look he had given her. "And he told me he loved me," she concluded, knowing that this had been when he had drawn her into the softest of kisses and had held her tightly in his embrace for what had felt like forever whilst carefully avoiding aggravating the injuries from the accident that covered her from head to toe.

"So much had happened that we couldn't stay where we were," Sam mused, breaking the silence that had settled across the room. "He had missed his exams whilst I was in hospital and there was no way we could stay working with Ash," she remembered aloud. "Dylan decided that he needed to get away from the pressure of the E.D. to sort himself out and the next thing I knew he was whisking us off to his new GP position not far from here," she stated. "He pulled a few strings and got me a new placement without even running it past me first," she continued, as she thought back to how she had tried so hard to be annoyed at him for not even consulting her on the massive upheaval he was putting them both through but failing because she had been ever so slightly stunned that he was taking her with him without question and for the fact that he had continually looked out for her ever since that date she was eternally grateful. That they had subsequently ended up married had been an unexpected development on her part at least she was sure, but whilst she had never been anything other than happy in his arms she had always had the niggling doubt at the back of her mind that her husband had only taken on the role of her protector because of a misguided sense of responsibility and guilt induced duty to guard her from further harm.

"That reminds me, I managed to rescue this by the way," she heard Nick speak from beside her and she found herself staring at the photograph that she had earlier crumpled in her hand which now appeared to be flattened out as best as her boss could manage. Sam found herself reaching out to take the picture that had massive sentimental value to her, having been taken on the day Dylan had proposed after she had successfully passed her army medic interview and he had declared himself the proudest man alive despite having previously derided her career choice as utter insanity. She had never been quite sure whether this was due to his lack of respect for the armed forces or because her other half had certainly not anticipated that his time investment in her career development would be apparently wasted in a recklessly dangerous environment with limited options for progression.

"Thank you," she finally responded. "It's one of the only photos I kept from back then," she added, remembering how neither her and Dylan had been big on sentiment and the necessity to take photographs had only occurred to them on momentous days such as that one for the reason Sam was sure they both intended to purely capture precious memories of a life together they both had known would be short lived.

"I couldn't save the crockery though," Nick stated with what she felt may have been a hint of regret. "I binned the broken mugs and a few other things, but I salvaged as much of the sugar cup as I could," he continued, forcing Sam to look at him with intrigue at why he would have made such an effort to pick those delicate pieces out of the terrible mess she had strewn across the floor in her rage. "It just looked like it might have mattered, that's all. I thought it might mean something to you."

"It was my mum's," she responded feeling her voice crackle with sadness as she did so in memory of the woman she had loved more than any other who had been cruelly snatched away long before she would have been ready to lose her if she had ever been given the choice. "It was part of a set my parents were given for their wedding, it was the only bit that was left unbroken after he walked out," she added to clarify the situation as her mind forced her to relive the awful row that occurred when her mum had finally confessed far too late that she was dying from cancer and had mere weeks to live. That she had kept it secret from the world to give her only child the best chance of passing her exams and getting into medical school and in doing so had also failed to call her own husband back from war to support her had been the final nail in Sam's parents' marriage, of that she was fully aware, but it had been the vicious anger her dad had demonstrated in trashing every symbol of their unhappy union as he had left them both behind that had broken her heart for the very first time. She recalled how that night after she had held her mum as she cried herself to sleep she had snuck back downstairs to clear up the damage left behind and cut her palm so badly on broken crockery she had almost needed to call for an ambulance but had instead decided the physical pain had been a reasonable replacement for the devastation inside her head. She recollected that she had just about coped with managing her emotions until she went to dump some of the smashed dinner set into a cardboard box and had found the undamaged sugar pot hidden underneath some other items. She thought back to how small and vulnerable it was and how it had felt somehow familiar in her hands before its very survival against the odds had finally caused her to break and she had allowed herself to dissolve into uncontrollable, silent sobs over the mum she had been about to lose. The little piece of crockery had been one of the only things she had kept safe from her past in storage with the bare essentials she required to restart life wherever it chose to take her and that it was now as destroyed as everything else she had ever come to touch broke her heart once again, just as it had been that very day.

"He never believed me you know," Sam said, startling herself as much as Nick that she had allowed her trail of thought to drop long enough for her to speak. "My dad I mean," she added to ensure her statement made sense. "Dylan called his base from the police station and he just said he couldn't deal with my issues at that moment. The next time we called back he'd been sent to Baghdad to negotiate with the American's about handover schedules," she justified, feeling sick as she remembered the look on Dylan's face as he had tried to break that piece of news to her without it hitting her too hard.

"What about since then?" Nick asked, apparently interested in her troubled relationship with the man she barely considered more than a biological parent rather than her dad. "Have you talked it through with him?"

"No," she replied truthfully, recalling the many times she had attempted to call him or even write him a letter to inform him of her situation but had changed her mind before pursuing it further. "He sends me a Christmas card, struggles to remember my birthday and somehow forgot to mention how proud he was that I finally achieved my ambition of following him to war," she continued, failing to supress the bitterness in her tone as she did so. "He was never any good at emotions or feelings, we just didn't do that type of thing much in my house I guess," she stated. "I used to joke that in falling for Dylan I had gone for someone just like my dad, but Dylan was never cruel and he never just abandoned me when I needed him, no matter how many times I gave him reason to. Even now."

"I think Dylan still wants to be there and look out for you Sam, but I genuinely think that he doesn't know what to do for the best," Nick pointed out, with his words making sense to her despite the confusion running through her mind. "Your eyes light up when you see him, you know?" he stated, nudging her slightly and causing her to giggle at that thought. "I think he feels he has to fix it all and we both know it isn't that simple, but he really seems to be struggling to see you like this," he added more seriously.

"He always thought he had to save me," she explained, suddenly unsure as to how she felt about the circumstances she was in. "I clung onto him so tightly and I don't think I ever really thought about how unfair it was of me to put him under so much pressure, but I was just so grateful to him for giving me back my life when I honestly didn't think I had one that was worth living," she elaborated, realising how incredibly angry she was at herself. "All I've done ever since is take away his life and his independence, and you know what, he never complained and he stuck to his word when I had no right to ask him to," she concluded sadly. "Why would he do that?"

"Because he loves you," Nick responded simply as if it was the most obvious explanation in the world to give her at that moment and Sam found herself reassured by the immediacy with which he had offered it as a reason, feeling that this may somehow make it more likely to be based in reality.

"I think I know that," she answered uncertainly. "I think I always did. I know I never stopped loving him," she added determinedly.

"Perhaps you should tell him that then?" her companion queried, squeezing her fingers and causing her to realise that their hands had remained locked together for the duration of the conversation despite her usual wish to remain physically isolated from people around her.

"I know," she replied before loosening her fingers from his grasp and instead settling herself down against Nick's side, allowing him to bring his arm around her shoulders and draw her close in a tight embrace. "I wish you were my dad," she continued sleepily, finding herself yawning as the events of the long day overtook her. "I'm sorry for what I said before; it's just when I get scared I find it easier to push people away but there is no excuse for some of the things I said to you," she added without pausing to think about how much she was opening up to him. "I just wanted to be like my dad, but he never really stopped for long enough to see I was standing right behind him. You've been more of a father to me in the last few months than he has managed in twenty six years," she justified slowly, finding herself thinking back to the day she had felt the disappointment in her Clinical Lead's eyes when he had learnt of her imminent departure for the first time. "I never thought I deserved his love, that I was never good enough for him no matter what I did and after Ash hurt me so much all I wanted was for him to put his arms round me and tell me it was all going to be okay, but he never came," she finished, feeling the tears streaming down her face silently. "If my own father didn't want to know, then why would I ever believe that Dylan would stick around long term?" she continued, finding the anger buried inside her once again and trying not to lose her temper, knowing the two men she was angry at weren't worth her rage. "I sabotaged my own marriage, I cheated on Dylan and I destroyed everything I had left and all because my dad and Ash made me feel like I wasn't worthy of love. How is that right? I trusted them," she shouted, feeling her chest tighten as the sobs started to wrack through her body and her muscles start to spasm. "I just wanted to feel pain, anything other than how numb I felt when I was so lonely but all I've done is let them control me and I've let them just take it all away," she yelled, finally breaking into hysterical tears and dissolving into Nick's arms.

"No you haven't, it's all still here and it's going to be okay," he said gingerly, pulling her tighter into his side. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. Dylan and I are going to look out for you; you have my promise on that. You just need to trust us, you've just got to believe," he continued, drawing her in further with the soothing nature of his tone.

"I know," Sam replied through the blur of sobs and tears. "I do," she answered, burying her face into the chest of the man she had come to love as her dad a long time before. "Thank you."

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading and as ever reviews are very welcome. I am seriously interested to hear what you think, especially on this part. I will try and get the next part up as quickly as I am able, but thank you again for your support.<strong>

**Love Callie x**


	20. The definition of devastation

**Hello all. Thank you so much to everyone who has read and reviewed the last update, especially as I know it was quite an emotive topic to read and your comments, tweets and emails have been very much appreciated. This chapter is as ever dedicated to the lovely Ficmouse for her constant support and for always being on the end of a tweet or email when I need it, for the amazing Meggi for being pretty much the one person I can guarantee will make me smile even when she is having a bad day, and for Anny, for still being awake with me pretty much every night into the small hours and sharing millions of fic ideas with me! This is also for Alison for getting in touch, and for all the fangirlies who have been sharing excited tweets with me this week - because I love having people to share Sam and Dylan love with.**

**Anyway, so here we go. Update time. I hope you like it. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of devastation**

_Devastation: noun; great destruction or damage, severe or overwhelming shock or grief_

Zoe Hanna

Zoe splashed her face with cold water before staring at her crumpled reflection in the mirror of the toilets as the cool sensation of the icy liquid tingled against her skin. For that one moment she would have given almost anything in the world to head back out into the pub and get completely wasted on cheap wine with the others, but she knew that drinking was one thing that wouldn't help her maintain any semblance of control over the current situation and if there was one thing she was certain of it was that when other people were relying on her to stay strong she was not prepared to let them down.

She reached into the handbag she had slammed onto the sink surround and pulled out her make up bag and hairbrush with a view to attempting the impossible by trying to make herself much more presentable than her current dishevelled state of appearance. She thought back over the incredibly long and difficult shift with a sense of despair at how quickly things seemed able to spiral out of control these days whenever Sam was at the heart of them, although in this particular instance Zoe felt sure that no responsibility for the day's events laid at the younger doctor's door. She knew that her and Dr Nicholls were very diverse specimens of people and their individual personalities meant that she was sure she would react very differently to Sam when faced with something that scared her, but despite that she was adamant that the girl should not face punishment for her assault on Mr Ellis given all he had put her through the previous week.

Zoe dragged her brush through the straggly mess that topped her head and appeared to have replaced her normally neatly straightened style at some point through the traumatic shift as she considered the breakdown she had witnessed Sam have as she threw blow after blow in her assailant's direction before she was dragged off by two men who obviously cared more deeply about her than Zoe thought was perhaps healthy or appropriate. The actions of Dr Nicholls had been more akin to a wild animal freed from its cage temporarily than they had been that of a rational sane and sensible medical practitioner but strangely Zoe had drawn some comfort from the fact that Sam had finally managed to let go of some of the anger and confusion that seemed to have been bubbling away under the surface of her usually composed and expressionless exterior ever since she had known her, despite the violent manner in which these had exploded out of her earlier on.

She shook her head slightly to shake out her newly detangled hair before shoving the brush back in her bag with more strength than she had expected to use and knocking it onto the floor in the process. She bent down in front of the sink to pick up the keys and hospital ID that had slid out onto the tiles but even as she did the image of Sam filled her mind and she felt the tears prickle at the back of her eyes. She stood up sharply and stuffed her possessions back into her handbag blinking furiously to minimise any likelihood that tears might start to fall and she would be caught by a junior colleague crying in the ladies toilets, because that was an indignation she was not prepared to bear on top of everything else that had already occurred that day. It wasn't as if she did not know why the girl's situation was getting to her so much that evening, but it had been Nick's inconsolable tone of voice on the phone ten minutes beforehand when he had confirmed Sam had cried herself to sleep on his shoulder after attempting an overdose that had gotten to her like nothing else ever had.

She reflected back on her relationship with the rather damaged young woman she had reluctantly begun to accept would never be more than just a colleague, with them both having irreparably pushed any chance of friendship out of the equation in a rather ugly scramble to be in Dylan's world regardless of the consequences. Zoe had long since recognised that Sam was a highly talented doctor, in fact she doubted that Dylan would have invested so much time and effort in her professionally, or personally, if she had not had the skill level and intelligence to match his own and yet there was something about her occasionally irrational and reckless behaviour that just seemed to undermine that almost every time they had to spend any significant time together.

Zoe unzipped her make up bag and pulled out her mascara, determined to repair the ravages she appeared to have made in rubbing her eyes earlier on with tiredness. She found herself wondering quite what Dylan had said to Nick when she had left the two of them alone in the Clinical Lead's office but knew with disheartenment that from the speed Nick had left the department and the fear she had recognised had been etched across his face that it had been serious, something news of Sam's attempted act of self-harming had confirmed to her had indeed been the case. In the entire time she had known Dylan he had barely opened up about anything to do with his relationship with his ex-wife other than to comment with a resigned acceptance that she sometimes acted to spite him and their past. For him to have disclosed something significant to Nick Jordan gave her hope that Dr Keogh had finally seen that other people's interest in his wife was a positive, but she was also certain that he had only gone this far because he realised quite how desperate the situation now was. If nothing else the earlier tears she had gently brushed away from his cheeks had indicated to her that he was feeling as devastated by events as Sam appeared to be, because if she was honest with herself she had very much doubted before then that Dylan really knew how to cry.

Zoe stood back and looked herself up and down in the dirty mirror cursing the dimly lit toilets for giving her no real concept of whether she would now deem herself fit to face the world again. Her mind was still buzzing from Nick's revelation to her about the full horror of Sam's past and the immense betrayal she had suffered at the hands of her old friend, before finally considering whether the woman in question would have been aware that she had now been informed of the basic facts about what had occurred. She suspected that Sam would never actually have suggested Nick apprise her of such intimate and personal details, but she hoped that he would make the vulnerable woman aware he had told her what had gone on because now that she knew Zoe was certain she would be unable to prevent her own feelings on the situation from being played out across her face, despite knowing that the last thing someone as supposedly tough as Sam would want would be the pity of someone she could barely stand the sight of.

She pushed her make up back inside her bag before snatching it up and heading back towards the door, knowing that she could only remain hidden in the toilets for so long before once again having to put on a brave face and pretend to the crowd of colleagues that things were nowhere near as bad as they all seemed to fear, although she was now certain that they were indeed worse than any of them had anticipated. Zoe reached her hand out for the handle but instead of pulling it open she grasped it tightly and found herself instinctively moving forwards to lean against the door, her forehead pressing heavily against the solid wood frame as she breathed deeply. She thought back to the many rape victims she had treated in the past and the varying states of both physical and mental torture they had been through and she considered the strength of character Dr Nicholls must have to not only bring herself through that time, but to fulfil a deep held ambition to become an army medic regardless of her past. Zoe wondered whether the girl's complete disintegration now had always been inevitable or whether there was some clue she could have spotted in the last few months that would have prevented this and her mind briefly went back to the rape victim, Tracey, that she had worked on with Sam not that long before as she reflected on quite how over-invested Dr Nicholls had become with getting the woman justice, which now seemed even more understandable given the context of her own history.

Zoe finally removed her weight from the door and pulled it open slowly, grateful that no one had attempted to drunkenly barge in on her when she was collapsed against the frame. She entered the corridor back to the main bar slowly, hearing the familiar tones of a Scot and a Liverpudlian from just up ahead. She crept forward with trepidation, unsure of quite what sight would await her as she came across them but as she rounded the corner she spied the two of them wrapped together tightly in an embrace with Lenny running his fingers absentmindedly through Linda's hair as the nurse buried her face in his chest.

"I just want to feel something, anything," she was certain she heard the female voice mutter before the male responded with something akin to "She'll be okay you know, Sam is a pretty tough cookie," as he kissed her hair. Zoe watched as the blonde nurse pulled herself back from the man she had been very indiscreetly seeing over the past week before she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a passionate kiss before pushing him backwards in the direction of the disabled toilets. Zoe found herself shaking her head in despair at the behaviour of her friend, but recognised from her own past indiscretions that sometimes all a person really did need was the close comfort of someone else's warm body exploring their own. She had been there herself many times in the past and had gained varying levels of comfort from these experiences, but was adamant that if it had been anyone other than Dr Lyons who had just been bundled into the toilets with Nurse Andrews she would have called a halt to proceedings to stop the woman making such a deliberately desperate attempt to draw strength from someone else. In truth Zoe couldn't help but think that despite their individual faults Lenny and Linda actually made quite a coherently complimentary couple and therefore she found herself smiling at the giggles coming from down the corridor as she walked in the direction of the bar, tutting in disbelief at quite how blatant Linda could be sometimes.

As she re-entered the main pub she immediately spotted her colleagues, most notably because of all of those present the E.D. group definitely appeared the most subdued with each individual or pair seeming off in their own little world. She recalled how she had gathered them all together in the staffroom at the end of the shift after she had left Nick and Dylan to talk before coercing them all into accompanying her to the pub, not that most of them had needed much persuasion. It was on days like this that she knew being part of a team was important, as it was the support of colleagues over a couple of drinks that had always been her usual mechanism for dealing with the traumas of a difficult shift. That was something Zoe was certain most E.D. staff learnt soon enough on having to face the horror of death and destruction they witnessed day in, day out and whilst she was certain they were usually united over the fate of some hapless victims of a horrendous accident than the darkness of the situation a colleague faced, the coping strategy of bonding together seemed to work regardless.

She remembered that she had first gotten Tess and Charlie on board to attempt to establish some order to proceedings, despite it being sometime since either of the two senior nurses had joined the team on an evening of drinks. The pair had seemed as keen as she had been to try and restore some normality to the team in response to the complete and utter breakdown triggered in Sam and she had been pleased to see them convincing everyone else that drinks across the road were a positive step all round. Zoe knew that they had both been around for long enough to be party to the ups and downs of E.D. life on more than one occasion, but she also could tell that they both liked and respected Sam irrespective of her sometimes dismissive attitude and it couldn't have been easy on them either to feel completely helpless in the face of such distress.

Zoe approached the crowd of people sitting around the table and sat back in her usual seat, attempting to throw a smile in Dixie's direction as she did. The female paramedic had her arm around the shoulders of her depressed male colleague who was leaning forward clutching his pint and staring into it as if alcohol would somehow have the answers to take away his painful thoughts. She knew that it must have been gutting for them both, but Jeff especially, to have Sam slam her door in their faces when they had dropped her home earlier, especially given she was aware how close a relationship the two of them had always had with the young doctor ever since that first fateful day they had all spent in an ambulance together. If Zoe called their emotions correctly she would have assessed them as being the distraught parents of a frightened young girl and she suddenly found herself glancing away from them, as the enormity of Sam's situation threatened to overwhelm her once again. She could not begin to imagine quite how devastated these two would be to learn of what pain Dr Nicholls had once suffered and found herself selfishly feeling relieved that it would never have to be her decision to inform them of that particular piece of news, as in honesty she doubted that she would be able to form the words.

As she looked away Zoe found herself staring in the direction of Big Mac and Noel who appeared engrossed in a conversation about something vaguely nonsensical, but even though they seemed more animated than others around the table she could tell that their usually happy demeanour and comedy double act was tempered by the sadness than seemed to run through them all that night. If anything she felt certain that after hearing from Big Mac himself a week ago quite how excited he was at the prospect of sharing military stories with the army medic, Sam's incomprehensible disappearance and subsequent erratic behaviour must have come as a shock to him. However even as she considered that she wondered if through his own experiences in the armed forces and undoubtedly witnessing the irretrievable breakdown of some of his comrades that the porter may well have some useful ideas as to how to enable Sam to eventually move forward with her army career post this particular mess and she made a mental note to talk this through with Nick when the immediate sense of danger had been removed. Nonetheless Zoe felt certain that there was something in the humour the two men could usually be called upon to provide at a moment's notice, no matter how infantile, that she may well be able to use to her advantage in the coming days as she attempted to restore some order and normality back to such a fractured group of staff.

Zoe glanced back to her left hand side where the youngest member of the team and possibly one of the most affected by the events of the day sat silently staring into space, seemingly not noticing that Lloyd's hand was firmly gripped around her own in a gesture that screamed both of protection and adoration to Zoe in equal measure. She knew that from the moment Sam had arrived that morning with Scarlett in tow that the nurse appeared to respond very positively to being by Dr Nicholls' side, even though the two of them were very different in character. That Sam could once have been as innocent and naïve as Nurse Conway sometimes appeared and had that snatched away from her horrified Zoe so much, but it explained a great deal to her about why even in the face of everything that had been going on Sam had taken time to extend a hand of friendship and offer protection in Scarlett's direction and she could not bring herself to comprehend how confused the girl would be feeling on witnessing such a traumatic breakdown of a woman she obviously appeared slightly in awe of. Zoe found herself almost quietly congratulating Scarlett on her choice of role model as she knew the young woman could do far worse than model herself on Sam's attributes, but she also had the strange hope that perhaps the relationship could be mutually beneficial as she was sure that Sam could well do with some friends closer to her own age to have a bit of fun with in the future. She did wonder if Scarlett had actually noticed Lloyd's ever present ability to be by her side but knew from the scene she had witnessed in the staffroom that morning when Sam had all but handed her into his arms, that Dr Nicholls had also identified quite how much this sometimes unnecessarily argumentative and stubborn man had a soft spot for his female colleague. Zoe could barely recall him leaving her side since they had crossed the car park towards the pub, but furthermore she had also seen him struggling to control his emotions in the immediate aftermath of Sam's apocalyptic meltdown on top of Mr Ellis as it must have become apparent to Lloyd the imminent danger Scarlett had been in if Dr Nicholls had not intervened. Zoe considered whether Dylan must have felt similarly on learning what had happened to Sam all those years before and she wondered quite how many times in a day he held himself accountable for the destruction that had been caused when his back had been turned.

"I'm going to head off," Zoe said aloud to no one in particular and received very little in response except a well-meaning smile from Tess. "I've left some money behind the bar so please stay and just take some time out together ok?" she asked, acknowledging that very few people seemed to have heard her words. "I'd stay, but…" she trailed off.

"You need to see Dr Keogh," Charlie spoke as a statement of fact, rather than offering any judgement on her departure and causing her just to nod simply in return. "However perhaps someone else might need a quick word in his ear first," Charlie finished, gesturing towards the bar and Zoe shot him a thankful glance for bringing it to her attention, before she scooped up her bag and jacket from the floor and headed in the direction of her male colleague sitting alone, pausing only briefly to place a sympathetic hand on Scarlett's shoulder as she passed.

"Blaming yourself won't help her you know," she said calmly as she approached Tom, trying to offer some gentle reassurance to the man who was steadily drinking himself into oblivion and was leaning heavily on the bar, apparently unable to hold himself upright on the stool any longer.

"Yeah, well I have done so much to help her this last week haven't I?" Tom retorted, his eyes seeming unfocused as they stared back at her before he took another swig from his drink. "Tried to get her into bed, messed up things with her and her other half and I couldn't protect her from that man, just like before," he ranted so fast and incoherently that Zoe nearly misunderstood his words.

"It isn't your fault, I promise you of that," she countered. "You think you made a mess of this? I'm the one that actually jumped into bed with her husband despite knowing he was still in love with her, so what does that make me?" she continued, grimacing slightly at her own reference to her night with Dylan and trying to ignore the embarrassment she had felt upon Sam informing Tom of quite how used she had been that night. "Nick's with Sam now and she is finally beginning to open up to him and whilst I can't tell you what is going on," she added, shaking her head when he looked at her expectantly. "I can tell you that if anything you not taking advantage of her that night has probably helped her more than you could ever know," she elaborated, feeling that Dr Kent's actions had probably demonstrated to Sam that all men were not self-serving enough to disregard her wishes. "You've been a really good friend to that girl, she knows that as well as I do Tom, and I don't think she is going to forget easily how selfless you've been, I really don't," she concluded, finding herself instinctively pulling the unfamiliar shape of her young male colleague into a hug, knowing full well that in any other circumstance the chance to have such a good looking guy in her arms would be considered a positive end to a decent night out.

She was distracted from her thoughts by a chuckle from behind her and she turned to find Lenny and Linda standing gazing at the scene in front of them with interest and Nurse Andrews giving her a wry smile.

"That was quick," Zoe found herself quipping in their direction, triggering a bemused look from Linda in response as the nurse continued to readjust her clothes. "I'll see you tomorrow Tom," she added back in his direction before turning to the newly returned colleagues. "Keep an eye on him and make sure he gets home safe, okay?" she asked pointedly. "He's taken all of this very hard, you know," she justified, glancing back at where Dr Kent was now ordering yet another large drink. "Oh and Linda," she stated with a mock innocence. "Your blouse is on inside out," she ended, rolling her eyes at Dr Lyons and his partner as they blushed before walking past them and out into the darkness of the night, heading back into the hospital car park to fetch her car. As she strolled towards her vehicle she was torn between remembering with every ounce of her being how grateful she was that she was not too drunk to drive that night, but also how much it would both hurt and destroy those who had been sitting around that table to know the truth about what had happened to Sam in the past, and hoping against hope that there was never any reason for them to find out, for she knew how much her young colleague would hate to be even more exposed than she already was.

Zoe drove in the direction of Dylan's boat on autopilot without any real thoughts as to what she was going to say when she finally caught up with him. She remembered that he had left the hospital without so much as a word in the wake of Nick's rapid departure but somehow she had been certain that he wouldn't also be heading to Sam's flat, which she had been proved right on when Nick had called her to inform her that having spoken to Dr Keogh over the phone he was actually quite worried about him. She could count on one hand the number of times she had ever had cause to head towards the boat and most of those had been for practical reasons, such as the sharing of a lift for work and she realised with some regret once again that whilst she had been busy planning a future with this man he had barely even acknowledged her existence outside of a work environment. It was quite obvious to her now that Dylan still loved Sam, in fact she was unsure how this hadn't been more apparent to her all along if she was honest with herself, but she couldn't help but wonder if it hadn't been for the terrible events that had unfolded in the past whether the Keogh's would ever have come close to being married. Despite her overriding wish that love prevailed Zoe did find herself questioning that momentarily, as she recalled all the times in the past few months since learning of the relationship of her two colleagues she had wondered how crotchety Dr Keogh and argumentative Dr Nicholls had gotten close enough to get it together in the first place. All she could assume was that in this instance, some things did not require words.

She parked her car up behind Dylan's battered old one, sighing slightly as she remembered his slightly flirtatious banter with her way back when he had first arrived in Holby before she exited her vehicle and headed down the darkened path to where the boat was moored. The first thing she noticed was the lack of lights aboard the vessel he had made his home and she briefly considered that perhaps he had gone elsewhere for the evening, although she was certain he had nowhere else particular to go and hoped with all her heart that it wasn't a pub he had ended up in. However her eyes soon accustomed better to the lack of light and she spied the sight of a hunched figure sitting on the steps, with what appeared to be his dog lying with its head in his lap.

"Dylan?" she questioned quietly as she approached, unsure if he had seen her and not wanting to alarm him or his canine companion. He looked up as if puzzled that she was there and in the moonlight she could see the glisten of moisture beneath his eyes, with obvious tear tracks apparent down his cheeks giving him the impression of someone who had been crying for longer than she could conceive imaginable. Even his dog looked forlorn, as if she was aware of how unusual it was for her master to show such real emotion and as the dog looked up towards Dylan, Zoe watched as his hand absentmindedly ruffled its head, as if he was taking some comfort from the presence of his companion at his feet. "Nick called me," she continued, unsure he was aware that she had been informed of the circumstances that had led to his tears. "He told me what happened to Sam."

"I failed her Zoe," Dylan stated with a weight of guilt and disappointment behind the words that she found both disconcerting and unexpected and she found herself moving to sit beside him on the steps, bringing her own hand up to stroke the head of the dog who looked as devastated as its owner. "I should have known she would break, that it would all get too much, but I didn't see it until it was almost too late," he said angrily. "She could have killed herself; she could have killed herself and then what would I have done? How could I have gone on without her?" he ended, his voice crackling with emotion and breaking as he finally spilled out those last few painful words in a rush of horror.

Without stopping to consider what his reaction might be Zoe wrapped her arms around Dylan's shoulders and pulled him into an embrace, feeling a suddenly overwhelming need to hold him close and offer him some small measure of comfort, although she very much doubted it was her that he really wanted by his side. She felt his rigid form began to crumble into her as the enormity of the situation overtook him and he began to sob uncontrollably into her chest. Zoe took in the uncharacteristic display of emotion from the usually stoic man and recognised that despite the awful experience Sam had been through, Dylan too was very much an innocent in these circumstances as she was. From the little she had gleaned of his past and from how she had seen him interact with others since his arrival in town she had a suspicion that Dr Keogh's relationship history was limited and clumsy at best, so to have the woman he loved be torn apart in front of his eyes and for him to then fail to live up to her expectations must have been shattering for him.

So for what felt like the longest time Zoe sat there beside him, tightly grasping the weeping form of a man she would always consider her friend as she cried into his hair at the terror that had befallen poor, innocent Sam and led them to this day and as she heard the dog whimper from by their feet she recognised that some situations were too devastating to comprehend.

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><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam woke up and uncurled herself, wincing slightly at the pain from her tense and stiffened muscles that had been aggravated hours earlier in her assault on Mr Ellis. She had not given herself credit for quite how overwhelmingly tired and edgy she had been until she found herself collapsing into sleep some time before against the side of the man who meant more to her than just a boss. She blinked her eyes a number of times to readjust to her surroundings and realised that she was no longer seated on the floor in front of her sofa, more that she was lying sprawled across it with her quilt placed carefully over her, as if a father had just tucked up his little girl in bed for the night. She couldn't quite be sure how she had ended up where she was but decided that the most likely option was that at some point as she drifted off Nick had moved her to make her more comfortable and somewhere within the warm recesses of her mind she could vaguely recall the feeling of finally being safe that had overtaken her as she floated off into slumber held in his arms.

Sam rolled herself up into a seated position, stretching out her arms as she did so and as she removed herself from the quilt she caught sight of a familiar canine-shaped bundle on the floor. She was certain that she had never been more pleased to see that dog than in that particular moment and she reminisced briefly about all the times when Dervla's presence had been the only soothing comfort she had needed to sleep well after a day of difficult memories. She reached down and stroked her companion's head, noticing how incredibly cute Dervla appeared when she slept with one paw by her face like a small child, like her small child. That this dog had stayed curled up beneath her just as she always had done in the past, despite having not seen Sam for some considerable time, made her smile in spite of the circumstances and she found herself silently agreeing with Dylan's assessment that this dog was far more intelligent than most other canines.

Sam realised if she listened intently she could just make out voices coming from her kitchen, where she assumed that her husband would be given that his dog was currently asleep in her flat and most likely his conversation partners would be Nick and Zoe as her best guess. She was pretty sure that none of them would have been likely to invite anyone else into her home whilst she was sleeping; especially given how much of a mess they all knew she was in and of all the people that could be there these three were the best placed to stand by her side. She had to admit to herself that it felt disconcerting to have Zoe in her flat, notwithstanding the fact that the woman who had long since appeared to be her rival now knew her darkest secrets, but despite the mortification she was experiencing at the thought of Dr Hanna seeing her weak and potentially offering her pity, she knew it had been the right call to permit Nick to let her in on what was going on.

Sam recalled how crystal clear it had been to her that Mr Jordan was struggling to cope under the weight of the disclosures she had made to him earlier on, with the sadness ever present in his eyes as she spoke being testament to that like nothing else. She knew from her past experiences watching Dylan attempt to keep his head above water on hearing what had occurred that it would be utterly selfish of her to ask Nick never to discuss it with anyone else and whilst she could have advised him to go to her husband, she very much doubted that he would have had any more joy than she ever had at talking through emotional matters with the emotionally closed off man. The truth of the matter was that both of these men in her life seemed to trust Zoe implicitly even in spite of all that had occurred and therefore she was sure they would feel able to confide in the woman if things became too hard, a safety net Sam felt happier knowing they had available to them should it ever be required.

She carefully stood up, gingerly picking her way across the floor around the sleeping dog and feeling the tickly sensation of the carpet beneath her bare feet as she walked. She could scarcely hear the hushed conversation from across her flat, but just from its tone she could tell that it was intense and she didn't feel any need to fight her urge to attempt to listen in, reflecting that after all they were most likely discussing her circumstances whilst standing in her flat.

A small snuffle from behind her caught her by surprise and she felt her heart instantly pound against the confines of her chest as her breathing quickened in fright, before she was able to place the noise as the sniffling of her much loved dog. She realised that it had been such a long time since she had last had real company in her flat, Tom's night on her sofa aside, that she had grown used to the eerie silence that usually seemed to hover when she was locked away on her own. She stood in the middle of her living room like a statue focusing only on her breathing like her army counsellor had once instructed her to do before bringing herself back under control and reminding herself that she was safe, in fact more safe than on any normal day given the three people standing mere feet away from her in the other room.

Sam padded across the remainder of the carpet and stood near the entrance to the kitchen, close by but knowing she would be out of sight of the people in contained unless they had cause to deliberately stare in her direction. She briefly glanced down at her attire of pyjamas and a hoody, with her messy limp hair that she had done nothing with since her shower and absolutely no make-up on and wondered whether Dylan would even notice the state she was in. He had always had this uncanny knack of seeming to look straight past her outward appearance since he twice called her beautiful, whether she looked awful from a rough shift or had made an attempt to dress up for some formal event and to this day she was still not certain whether this was because he genuinely didn't notice or he just chose not to pass comment any longer for fear of reminding her of the past.

She peered round the door and spied Dylan leaning against the sideboard she recalled smashing things up on earlier, before noticing quite how pale and withdrawn he looked with sadness at the impact she had managed to have on him once again. From her vantage point she could just see Zoe and Nick standing further across the room, with evident worry etched over her female colleague's face as she looked earnestly between the two men who it was clear she cared about a great deal. The three of them had obviously been deep in conversation for some time and seemed totally oblivious to her presence in the doorway so she stood motionless, almost unable to move in fear of not hearing how their discussion about her, and most likely her past, present and future, was evolving.

"I just can't get it out of my head what that man, that monster, did to her," Nick stated sharply, causing Sam to wince inwardly for her friend at how pained he seemed. "I don't know how you didn't kill him, I really don't," he concluded angrily. "I don't think I would have been able to stop myself," he shouted, banging his fist down on the kitchen table in fury and forcing her to gasp in response, before she instinctively felt her hand fly to her mouth as she realised the others would have heard her listening in, even if they had not before seen her appear.

"Sam?" the female doctor stated questioningly and she found herself staring into the eyes of three worn out and drained looking individuals. "We didn't see you there."

"I gathered," she responded slowly, chewing down on her lip uncomfortably as she did so as she took in that she was now standing in her own kitchen surrounded by people who had more reason to ask her questions and want emotional commitment from her than anyone else, which was beyond what she felt able to offer them or even herself in that moment.

"We were just talking," Nick chipped in; meeting her gaze with a look she was sure was meant to give her reassurance.

"About Ash? I heard," Sam answered without hesitation. "For the record, Ash isn't a monster," she continued, disapproving of how thick with emotion her voice came across as being. "Monsters are stories kids tell themselves when they are afraid of the dark. I should know, I had enough of my own, you know that," she stated simply, gesturing in the direction of her silent husband. "But Ash isn't a monster, he's far too real and he doesn't run away when I turn the light back on. He is in my head all of the time, every single day, every minute and he never goes away," she elaborated, her voice cracking as she closed her eyes momentarily to push away the tears. "I can still see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his touch," she added, biting back the wave of nausea she felt on saying those words aloud and drawing her arms around herself in an act she could only assume was meant to protect her from being hurt further. "He's just there, he's always there and that is never going to change. Mr Ellis, well he hurt his wife and he betrayed her trust, but all I could see was Ash, just like it was four years ago all over again and his hands were on my skin forcing me back onto the bed," she explained, her mind filling with images that she had grown used to dismissing as nothing more than a bad dream. "I always relied on you to take it all away," she disclosed dejectedly, turning once again to Dylan's hushed form. "And for years you just being there made it all okay but I can't ask you to do that anymore, I know that I can't expect you to save me every time I fall. I just can't get him out of my head and I don't know if this will ever stop. Tell me it will stop," she ended pleadingly and feeling her eyes fill with the warmth of salty tears.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself Sam," Dylan stated hoarsely and once again she saw an honesty in his emotion that had been a rarity to her until today since those first few weeks when she had grown to love this man. "We can't keep doing this to ourselves," he added emphatically. "Things have to change. We have to change," he concluded and Sam found her fingers somewhat automatically extending out to lock in with his as he squeezed her hand tightly in a comforting hold.

"I know," Sam replied sadly, before physically shaking herself free of the intensity of her husband's touch and the depth of feeling it conveyed. "I'd offer you all a coffee," she continued, turning back towards the two others present in the room and changing the subject pointedly. "But I am not sure whether I have enough cups left that I've not smashed up tonight," she finished and she was pleased to see a small smile being elicited from both Nick Jordan and Zoe Hanna in reply.

"There will be a set of mugs in there," Dylan said plainly, pointing towards a box that Sam was certain had remained under the kitchen counter since she had first moved in. "I very much doubt you ever unpacked all the things I left for you in storage but I recall giving you a complete set of all you would need in that box."

Sam considered the irony of the fact that in her short time in their marital home she had managed to accumulate enough of everything that Dylan had divided their possessions between them for storage and yet since she had returned to pick up the goods she had barely even sneaked a peek to see what the small number of boxes contained. There had been something about keeping house for him, regardless of her lack of domestic skill, that had pleased her greatly and she knew she had taken great pleasure in sourcing appropriate items to fill what she had always hoped would become their family home, a skill she was sure she had learned from her own mother. The act of homemaking had been something she had barely considered even keeping up a pretence of since their separation and she was certain in the last year or so she had grown accustomed to living on microwavable meals for one and comfort eating to suit her mood.

"Maybe I should go?" Zoe spoke from the other side of the room, causing Sam to break from her trail of thought as she stood and watched Nick wordlessly make an attempt to open the still sealed cardboard box which had been helpfully marked with the word "kitchen" a long time before. "Give you all a chance to talk?" she added, seemingly as a suggestion.

"Whatever you think of me Zoe, whether you hate me or whatever, I know that he needs you," Sam responded instantly, tipping her head in the direction of the once again silent and expressionless Dr Keogh. "They both need you," she added as she watched Nick finally prise open the lid of the box and remove a number of mugs just as had been suggested to him there would be. "And if after everything that has happened between you all you can find it in you to be friends, then I applaud you for that, I really do," she continued earnestly, reflecting on quite how strong she felt this woman was for the support she had managed to supply to both Nick and Dylan despite the hurt she must herself be feeling. "I've turned everything upside down all over again and as usual I get to be the one that walks away, leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. I know that it isn't fair, but if I am expecting you to stay behind to sort everything out then the least I can do is tell you what is going on right?" she queried.

"You're still planning on going back to Afghanistan?" Nick interjected with horror. "After everything you've been through the last few weeks, you still want to go back?"

"Of course," Sam replied simply. "What have I got to stay for?" she asked bitterly, turning her head so she did not have to see Dylan's reaction to her harsh words. "I don't have a job anymore and if I stay then I'm almost guaranteed to get arrested," she continued, putting her hand up to halt the comments she knew her companions were about to throw in her direction. "Don't tell me I won't, because it will be a lie. I kept hitting him, over and over. I just kept hitting him and I know I wouldn't have ever stopped if I hadn't been dragged off," she described, remembering the strange sense of calm that had descended over her mind as she had reined blows down on the man who had triggered so many memories for her. "So no, Zoe, you don't have to go," she continued, referring back to the female's earlier question. "I haven't got any secrets anymore; I've got nothing else left to hide."

The room descended into silence as Sam saw the other people present begin to comprehend her words before she was distracted from her thoughts by a sudden movement from her husband standing next to her as he strode past as if to exit the kitchen. She felt her heart sink momentarily on realising that Dylan was about to walk out on her without so much as a conversation but she recognised that she had no right any longer to ask him not to leave.

"Are you coming?" he questioned from beside her, gesturing out into the living area and she saw instantly that his eyes were filled with a sorrow she knew she had only ever seen matched with her own. "If you're going to leave me all over again, if you really are going back this time, we at least need to talk first," he continued. "Alone. About us, about Ashley, about what happens next," he explained, emphasising each individual word as if to stress its importance. "About whether you would consider coming back to Holby after you've finished finding yourself out there again," he elaborated. "About whether you would consider coming back to me," he concluded with a raw emotion that hit Sam like a steam train and caused the devastation she had been feeling ever since she had awoken that morning to be replaced with a sense of shock that she knew would be palpable to all of those in the room. "I don't want a divorce Sam, I don't want us to be over. I want to start again; I want us to start again."

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><p><strong>As usual, thank you so much for reading and reviews as ever make me very happy. The next part should be up over the weekend, well that is the plan anyway. There is not too much more of this fic to go, maybe 3 or 4 more chapters so I am grateful to you all for sticking with it so far.<strong>

**Love Callie x**


	21. The definition of release

**Right so this was never meant to take so long to update so please accept my apologies on that score. When I last wrote this Dylan had just declared that he wanted to get back together with Sam, so we do pick up from that point in this chapter and I promise you will not have to wait over a month for the next one!  
>Thank you to everyone who did read and review the last part, it always means a lot. However extra special thanks as ever to Meggi (for just being so lovely!), Ficmouse (for sharing my endless debates over storylines, writing and for all your support over the last difficult month) and especially Anny (who kept me company until the early hours of the morning on so many occasions as I struggled to write this it has been untrue, besides who else would I turn to for random fic ideas at 3am?).<strong>

**Anyway, I really hope this is worth the wait. **

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><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of release**

_Release: verb; allow or enable escape from confinement, physically real or otherwise, set free, allow to move, act or flow freely_

Dylan Keogh

Dylan found the silence of the room overwhelming as he sat perched on the edge of his ex-wife's bed staring out of the window into the darkness of the night, knowing that at so many other times in the last few weeks he had been stood just metres away at the foot of the path that led to Samantha's flat studying this very same pane of glass but from the outside looking in. He knew he should be drawing comfort from the fact that he was now permitted to be on the inside of these four walls instead able to look out, but his wife's actions in the half hour since he had uttered those all-important words to her had significantly dented his confidence in their current situation reaching a satisfactory outcome for either of them.

He had been aware that her mind was made up about returning to Afghanistan and it likely had been since before she had even come to Holby in the first place, but whilst he was never going to stand in the way of her achieving her ambitions by preventing her departure he was also certain that he was going to spend the entirety of the six to nine months she was posted to a warzone sitting by the phone on tenterhooks for news, just as he had on both her previous tours, even though on the second he had always doubted whether she would have ever asked for him to be called if the worst had actually occurred. Dylan recalled the day he had proposed to the young woman he loved, so euphoric on her behalf that she had been accepted as an army medic and yet beside himself with fear for her safety all at once. There had been something about the intensity of her happiness in that one moment when she opened the letter, the first time she had really shown that she was aware a future existed since Ashley's attack on her, which had proved to him without question that he wanted nothing more from his life than to marry this woman.

He remembered the sound of Samantha squealing with surprise and delight when he had gotten down on one knee as they walked Dervla through the countryside and formally asked her the question he had wanted to for months beforehand but had felt unable to do so in fear of putting further pressure on her when she seemed vulnerable and scared. In spite of the knowledge that his then future wife had just landed herself a job that was guaranteed to tear her from his arms for months at a time that moment had possibly been the happiest of his life, in that it was just the two of them and Dervla and they were able to bask in the glory of being a happy family unit without any of the complications of their shared past. Dylan thought back to how it had been that evening when rather than just slope into bed next to him for a cuddle, the woman he loved had initiated something further and for the first time since the fateful nights when he had taken advantage of her and then she had been wounded so deeply by Ashley's assault, she had allowed him to make love to her as if neither of them had ever done so before. The beautiful fragility of how they came together that night was seared into Dylan's memory and still took his breath away as he recalled how the ever-present uncertainty in his wife's expression had morphed under his touch and they had become one with an intensity he had not experienced with anyone else before nor would ever achieve other than in her embrace.

"Nick and Zoe have gone to pick up some food," Samantha's voice came from behind him and Dylan cocked his head to turn to face her as she stood motionless in the doorway, fresh from speaking to the others who had been present in the living room. "I think they wanted to talk," she continued and he recognised the sadness in her eyes as she spoke. "About me, about them, I don't know anymore. I think they wanted to give us some space too," she added quietly before pausing. "You do know this is never going to work right," she elaborated, glancing down at the floor in a way that Dylan figured implied she was struggling to say the words aloud. "You and me I mean; us. We can't go back."

"You're running away," Dylan answered indignantly, cursing himself for his tone and snapping his head around to look away from his wife's hurt expression to stare back out of the window.

"It's not that you and know it isn't," she responded slowly, refusing it seemed to match his own angry tone with her voice in reply he considered. "Because you think I'm ignoring what you said? I've thought about nothing else but it doesn't change anything. I've spent my entire life relying on someone else to be strong for me, my mum, Ash even for a while and then you, but I can't just stand here waiting for someone to make it better, it doesn't work like that," she explained, walking round the bed and positioning herself to stand in front of Dylan leaning against the window frame, her warm breath steaming up the glass as he watched.

"I'm not asking you to stay," he replied, closing his eyes to shut out the image of the crumpled, sleepy looking woman in front of him, something he knew was familiar to her from the memory she had once told him about how she would wait for her father to return by her bedroom window as a small child and how heartbroken she had been when he repeatedly disappointed her by failing to arrive for weeks at a time. "I'm not asking you to stay," he reiterated, reopening his eyes and trying to sound more confident than he felt inside. "I'm just asking that you consider coming back here afterwards. Whatever else happens I'm still your husband and I, well, if nothing else I would like us to be able to sort things out so perhaps one day we could be friends."

"You want to be my friend?" she questioned in surprise a few moments later, the reflection of the wry smile that crossed her face on hearing those words making Dylan consider his statement more carefully. "I don't think we ever did friends, not really, and to be honest I don't think either of us are particularly good at being friends. Look at you and Zoe, me and Tom, I mean can you really see the two of us just seeing each other for a chat over a coffee every once in a while, because I can't."

"I'd rather have that than nothing at all," Dylan stated simply, studying the impact his words were having on the expression of the girl staring back at him in the glass. "I know how much the army means to you, I know how much this tour means to you," he continued, stumbling on the words. "And even though every part of me is saying I should stop you from going, I would never stand in your way because that isn't my place, but that doesn't change how I feel about you leaving," he elaborated, watching Sam remaining expressionless throughout. "It doesn't change how I feel about you, yet for some reason you keep stubbornly insisting that we should get divorced."

"I saw my solicitor last week," his wife interjected, cutting through his emotional state like a knife. "They'll write to you. I'll be gone by then, but still…."

"I don't understand why, after everything we've been through, you still want to do this," Dylan snapped back without thinking. "Why won't you even do me the courtesy of talking it through?"

"We never talked things through though, did we?" Sam questioned, turning her head slightly and allowing Dylan to see her skin was fast becoming tear-stained before she returned her focus to the darkness outside her window. "If you think I'm doing this because I don't love you then you're wrong," she continued, pressing her forehead harder against the pane. "I guess to start with I thought I was doing this because you wanted to be with Zoe, but even knowing that isn't the case doesn't change the facts. I'm doing it because I love you and I know that sounds utterly mad, but it's because I love you that I know I have to let you go," she justified quickly.

"Can you give me one good reason for that? Can you Sam?" Dylan probed sternly, finding himself angry that in spite of all that had gone on his wife was still determined to make a decision that affected both their futures equally against his express wishes. "Because right now all I can see is that you've scared yourself senseless with all this Mr Ellis stuff and you're letting memories of what Ashley did to you cloud your judgement all over again."

"You think I am saying this because I'm not thinking straight?" she argued, spinning round to face Dylan and he found himself standing up instinctively in front of her, closing the gap between them within a heartbeat.

"That is exactly what I am saying," he replied tersely. "Four years ago you let him get inside your head and you drove into a tree, today it was pills but the intended outcome was the same. If you were a patient I would be advising you not to make any significant life decisions at this moment."

"But I'm not your patient," she shouted back at him, causing Dylan to reach down and grab hold of both her hands.

"No, you're my wife," he answered her. "And I know you think that doesn't mean anything to me, but it does and I am not about to just stand here and let you throw everything away because of him."

"Why can't you see that this is what we both need?" Sam screamed out, her face contorted with anguish. "I need to set you free Dylan; you deserve a proper life, one without me in it. You never got a choice over what happened, you got caught up with my life spiralling out of control and I just wouldn't let go."

"You still think that I didn't choose to be here?" Dylan replied sharply, shaking her hands with his own. "That I wouldn't still choose to be here?"

"I never said that," she answered meekly. "I know that you love me, but it isn't enough. It was never enough," she continued, refusing to look up and meet his gaze. "I have to set you free."

"I'm not a bird in a cage Samantha," Dylan retorted. "I don't need to be released."

"No, you're the man who has spent the last four years practically handcuffed to my side," she countered, her voice cracking as she did so, forcing Dylan to bite down hard on his lower lip to stop himself from breaking too. "You saved my life and you stuck around to stick me back together. I can't do much to repay you for that, but I can do this."

"Even if I don't want you to?" he questioned as he dropped his grasp on her hands and collapsed back down onto the bed, knowing full well that he was being obstinate now but refusing to care given how much her words were tearing through him.

"I told you before, this isn't about what we want, it's about what we need," Sam countered sharply, apparently now annoyed at his badgering.

"But I don't need this, I need you," Dylan all but shouted at her from his seated position. "I don't doubt for a second that you think you are doing the right thing by me, your motives have never been anything but honourable but if I can level any criticism at you it would be that your intentions are very much misplaced."

"I cheated on you and you still don't question my motives?" his wife sarcastically responded. "You should hate me. You said you hated me," she added accusingly.

"Samantha we were both hurting and we both lashed out," Dylan acknowledged, remembering the bitter exchange of words that had once brought his marriage crashing down around them. "I might hate what you do sometimes and how you make me feel, but I could never hate you. I won't even pretend I comprehend the complexities of the female mind, especially yours, yet I am certain you wounded yourself more than me that night. You were the one who ended up having meaningless sex with a man you didn't love because you hated yourself so much you wanted me to leave," he explained, trying hard to keep the emotion that was building like a volcano inside him from exploding as he spoke. "And I'm sorry, because I did exactly what you wanted me to."

"Don't apologise," Sam whispered in response before moving away from the window to sit alongside him on the bed, albeit Dylan noted facing slightly away from him and instinctively he found himself placing his hand on the small of her back to offer some basic reassurance that he was still prepared to listen. "I was giving you an out, a get out clause to walk out on our marriage," she described coldly. "I knew you'd promised me you would never walk away unless I wanted you to, that I was ready. I couldn't tell you to go because I didn't want you to leave, but I knew that it wasn't fair on you to force you to stay," she continued in a voice that was so low Dylan found it barely audible. "So I did the one thing I knew would mean that you would leave, I made you believe I wanted to be with someone else and I'm sorry," she concluded, her voice cracking once more and even though he could not see her face this time around, Dylan immediately knew from how Samantha's shoulders were hunched over that she was struggling not to cry.

"Why have we never been able to have the conversations that really counted?" Dylan found himself asking her intently with the sudden realisation dawning on him that they had both spoken more to other people that night about their past than they had ever really done to each other and he pondered momentarily if things would have been different if they had been able to talk things through more openly, like he was aware other couples always seemed to be able to.

"Words were never important, not really," Samantha responded, reaching up to wipe her eyes before spinning round to look at him.

"That's not true is it though?" Dylan questioned, although in reality he knew what he was about to say next was a topic he had steadfastly chosen to avoid raising for four long years. "I told you that you were beautiful and you never believed me, and everything else happened as a result of that one word. If I hadn't walked out on you like I did or if I had at least tried to explain why I couldn't stay," he added before trailing off.

"That if you hadn't left me the way you did, Ash would never have been able to hurt me you mean?" his wife asked pointedly, her watery eyes so wide Dylan felt like he could drown in them instantaneously.

"You were young, vulnerable perhaps even then," he explained in response. "I used you and then I didn't even stick around long enough to tell you that the reason I was walking away was because I wasn't good enough for you," Dylan continued, reaching down to take Samantha's hand as he spoke. "I used you then, I used Zoe just the other day and then lied to you about it. I'm still the same person I was back then, drinking or no drinking, this is me," he finished despondently, considering to himself as he did so that the responsibility he felt over not protecting her was now matched by an odd sense of guilt in that despite it all, he had not changed.

"You aren't the same person Dylan," his wife replied, staring down at where his hand was squeezing her own. "And neither am I, because back then you would drink yourself into oblivion to forget about what was happening and I drove into a tree to try and make it stop," she added thoughtfully. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if things had been different," she continued and he watched as she chewed down on her lip in an apparent struggle to stay on top of her feelings.

"There's no point in thinking about what might have been, that doesn't get you anywhere," Dylan interjected quickly, sensing that this conversation was about to take a turn that he did not much appreciate.

"Are you too scared to hear this Dylan?" Samantha asked him directly, finally meeting his gaze. "That if Ash hadn't raped me then we would never have ended up together, because it's true isn't it? Being with you was the best thing that ever happened to me and I only ever got to have it because of what he did and even now I really can't get my head around that."

"You're wrong," Dylan countered sternly, determined to make his point. "That night we slept together may have been an error on my part because I hurt you but that doesn't equate to it being meaningless," he elaborated. "Before that night it had been years since there had been anyone and there has been no one since, except that one night with Zoe. I can't tell you precisely when I fell in love with you because I don't work like that, I have never been one for relationships and feelings but I do know for certain that it was before we spent that night together and I promise you that when I watched you across the room at that charity event the next day I made the decision that I needed to straighten myself out, if only to be worthy of regaining your trust," he described, remembering the moment when he had spied the beautiful creature he had grown to love getting slowly drunk by her apparent friend's side and had known she would be worth the effort it would take in getting himself sorted out. "I was so worried when you didn't come to work the next day I battered your door down and when I saw you there looking so distraught, it was all I could do not to fall apart. How could I tell you then how I felt? I could scarcely even put into words myself and you were so alone," he added reflectively.

"You barely even knew my name," she responded, her eyes full of regret it seemed to him. "There was this moment, just for a second, when Ash kissed me that I considered it," she added and Dylan found himself staring at her in confusion at not understanding her words. "That I considered sleeping with him, even if just to try and make you jealous," she explained hastily before looking down once more. "It was only for a moment I swear but I did think about it, even though I knew I already loved you," she concluded sadly. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Samantha," Dylan said quietly, reaching out his hand under her chin and tilting her head back up towards his gaze. "That doesn't make any of this your fault," he stated gently but firmly, hating that she could have spent the last years feeling somehow responsible for what had happened or that she had let him down. "Do you remember when you came back from your first tour and we went to that hotel?" he continued and watched her nod against his touch. "You showed me that scar on your shoulder, from the bullet wound," Dylan remembered aloud, picturing the scene vividly in his head. "And you told me that in that moment you thought of me," he added before pausing. "So four years ago before we were even together properly you thought about being with someone else for a single second? That doesn't mean anything and it definitely doesn't mean you deserved any of what happened after that. It doesn't change how I feel about you and it never would."

"Even though when I wanted to hurt you, the first thing I thought of doing was sleeping with someone else?" she questioned, still holding his gaze. "And then with Tom? I seem to be making a habit of this."

"You're wrong," Dylan responded at once. "Our marriage was in trouble long before you did what you did and as for Tom, I can hardly hold that against you given the circumstances. It still doesn't change anything for me," he justified before pressing his finger to his wife's lips to prevent her from responding. "I know you don't believe me, I don't think you ever really believed that I loved you the way you loved me but I assure you there was far more to this marriage than just duty on my part," he continued. "You know that there have only ever been two women in my life, three if you now include Zoe," he continued with a serious tone, knowing that of those women only one encounter could truly be called a relationship. "But you are the only one I have ever been in love with and I can't imagine ever being in a position to feel that way about anyone else other than you," he concluded honestly.

He saw the recognition flash across his wife's eyes as she identified the truth in what he was saying and Dylan found himself feeling grateful that despite the horrors they had been through in recent days and weeks, never mind years, they had finally been able to say some of these long overdue words aloud. He dropped his hand from its position against Samantha's cheek and pushed her hair behind her ear from where it had fallen across her face, realising as he did so that in that moment with her messy, damp hair she looked every inch the girl he had once unwrapped from a towel fresh from a shower in her room back on that very first night he had taken her into his arms. He followed her gaze out into the darkness through the window pane before turning back to face her as pulled herself round to look directly at him. Without thought he leant forward and kissed her cheek, allowing her to then rest her forehead against his own as their hands grappled together between them and locked in a comfortingly firm hold.

Dylan felt his ex-wife's weight shift underneath his and without warning he found her head moving slightly so that her lips captured his own and he unconsciously released her fingers from his grasp before pulling his arms tightly around her and drawing her close into his body as Samantha deepened the kiss with a desperation he had not experienced since their last night together, back when they had already known it was over but had both been too afraid to say so. He could feel his wife's fingers working between them undoing the buttons of his shirt frantically and then tugging the material out from the confines of his belt, before she freed the fabric and slipped her hands underneath, her nails scraping at the skin of his lower back as she helped him out of the clothing. Dylan impulsively used his own weight to manoeuvre her backwards onto the solid form of the bed, lying her down before she wrapped her legs around him to bring him crashing down atop her form. He took in every inch of how it felt to once again be so intimately involved with his Samantha as he breathed in her scent and revelled in the touch of her hand against his bare back, with her fingers clawing against him more with each passing moment of passion. However as much as it pleased him that they were locked together so fervently, Dylan pulled his mouth away from hers and studied her expression tentatively before rebelling at the sadness in her eyes.

"You don't need to do this," he whispered, acknowledging the moment as he drew himself up to be propped up on his outstretched arms above her. "We don't need to do this."

"Yes we do, I need this Dylan," Samantha responded firmly but with an urgency evident in her tone that felt uncomfortable to him as she once again pulled him back down towards her. "I need you; I need to be with you. I need to make this right again," she continued breathlessly, but as he allowed himself to be drawn back into her embrace he could feel the dampness of her cheeks as she buried herself in kissing his neck, observing that silent tears were sliding from her eyes.

"It shouldn't be about what you need, it should be about what you want," Dylan answered, turning her earlier words back around on her and once again releasing himself from her grasp, an act which took almost all of his self-control given the feeling that was stirring deep inside him. "Believe me, I want this more than you can imagine. In fact most nights, I barely think about anything else," he explained truthfully. "But we can't do this just to fix things, because we both know it doesn't work like that and tomorrow I guarantee that you will regret this. You never wanted our relationship to be characterised by a one night stand from way back then, so the last thing I want is for us to repeat that now before you up and leave next week," he continued. "I don't want you to have any more reason to hate either of us."

"Get off me," Samantha stated loudly, with anger evidently seething through her as Dylan found himself knocked sideways as she pulled herself from underneath him. "Just get the hell off me and get out."

"I'm not going anywhere," he countered simply and calmly, despite his own emotional turmoil, but clutching hold of her arm regardless to stop her from fleeing the room as he considered how desperate her craving to be with him once more to put the past behind them appeared to be. "I made that mistake twice before, once at the start and once when you strayed, and I let us just fall apart. It doesn't matter how many different ways you try and self-destruct I am not going to walk away, not this time," he justified, recalling with horror the look on her face when she had informed him of her fling just before she announced her imminent departure to Afghanistan the last time around. "The night I proposed to you, when we first spent the night together properly as a couple, you told me that you would only ever have sex for love, never if it was meaningless or based on anger or sadness alone. It's why it hurt so much when you cheated on me and why I couldn't find the words to tell you about Zoe," Dylan added earnestly, inwardly noting how grateful he was to Tom for not escalating things with Samantha when he had been given the chance to and the significant amount of respect he had for the man for his extreme self-control, something Dylan himself was struggling with given the physical effect being so close to his wife had always had on him. "You can't lash out at me by sleeping with me; you can't make me hate you."

"Stop it, just stop it," Samantha shouted at him and attempted to wriggled free from his grasp to remove herself from the bed, but in spite of his wish not to frighten her Dylan found himself wrestling her back into his arms, albeit this time facing away from him as they sat intertwined on the now ruffled bedclothes. "Stop it," she screamed once more, before he felt her go limp and he watched as his wife collapsed into hysterical sobs in his embrace.

"Ssssshhhh, it's alright," Dylan whispered in her ear as he laid her back down only this time purely with care and tenderness as he drew the duvet around the two of them and held her close into him, feeling her shake as she cried uncontrollably. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here," he added comfortingly, stroking her hair and rocking her gently.

The familiar bark of his canine drew Dylan's attention towards the doorway and as he looked up Nick Jordan and Zoe both barrelled into the room accompanied by the dog, obviously drawn there by the terrified scream that Samantha had exhibited only seconds beforehand. The expression on Zoe's face said all that Dylan needed to know about how this situation could be perceived to an outsider, in fact as he looked down even Dervla looked vaguely frightened by the circumstances in the room. However it was the face of Samantha's new paternal figure, and Dylan's own boss and earlier confidante, that concerned him the most. Nick Jordan's face was filled with a thunder that Dylan could only describe as intimidating and as he considered the scene the man had just walked in on, having apparently come back from fetching food to find his already devastated daughter substitute in panic-stricken tears under the bedcovers with her semi-dressed ex-husband, he could well understand why. Dylan's only main thought though was that of everyone he knew, it would be Nick who understood more than any other that what Samantha needed was to confront and deal with her demons once and for all, and he could only hope that the cathartic nature of the frankest discussion of their entire marriage would give her, and himself, the release from the shackles of the past they both needed to allow themselves to start over afresh.

* * *

><p><span>Sam Nicholls<span>

Sam pounded the pavement that ran alongside the shops before turning sharply to enter the park and started to run across the uneven surface of the grassy field. The early morning light had always been her favourite time to be out, even when she had been living with Dylan, as it was bright enough to make running alone seem a viably safe option but was early enough that the streets, paths and parks that made up any town were close to deserted. She recalled momentarily how some days she had struggled to drag herself from the warmth of her marital bed in the past, preferring instead to stay cosily tucked up in her husband's arms, but how on the occasions where her sense of duty towards her physical fitness had overridden her desire to stay by his side, she had always run a great deal faster to be back before Dylan awoke from his slumber. She brought a fleeting smile to her face as she briefly reflected back on the cold winter mornings when she had ventured outside only to jump back under the duvet almost as soon as she returned, having peeled off her running gear immediately on entering the bedroom, and had woken up her husband with her freezing presence beside him. Those had been the days that they had both always gone to work with a smile on their face, having spent the subsequent hour after her return finding increasingly inventive ways to warm each other up, an act which they had almost perfected into an art form over the years.

Sam knew that she never planned her daily runs usually but today she was aware of her mind consciously choosing to take a longer than normal route around the Holby area. Pounding the pavements of this town had been one of her only regular pastimes since she had arrived several months before and the few days she was medically incapable of running recently notwithstanding, she had been out at least every second day and until her assault had been averaging over twenty miles a week. Ever since she was a little girl she had been interested in being outdoors and her physical fitness, something she assumed she drew from her childhood on army bases and wanting to impress her father with her prowess. However it had only been since her mother's death that she had learned to take comfort in the freedom and space she achieved as she pushed herself to the limits of her capabilities and close to the point of exhaustion. She considered that she had never been one to take things lightly and a gentle jog around the scenic parts of whatever town she had lived in had never been her idea of a good time, but instead it was more her style to take what should be casual exercise to excess, giving her the ability to focus on nothing more than the ground beneath her feet and shut out the problems in her life for a while.

The music in her ears was loud enough to drown out the sounds of the world around her but despite this she had yet to find the strength to force thoughts of her behaviour the previous day and night from her mind. She recalled every second of the horror in the aftermath of her assault on Mr Ellis, her failed suicide attempt, her absolute breakdown in Nick Jordan's arms and the shame she felt at how she had so recklessly thrown herself into Dylan's embrace despite his protestations to the contrary. In the cold light of morning when she had woken up sprawled across her ex-husband and almost mummified in her duvet her initial thoughts had been on how mortified she was at not only having cried so hysterically in front of others, more than once she noted uneasily, but at the scene she could just about recall Nick and Zoe witnessing as they had entered the room on hearing her screams. To be caught out in bed with her husband by those two would have been an odd enough situation for her to deal with at the best of times, given Nick's fatherly influence over her and Dylan's own recent liaison with Dr Hanna, but that was before she considered that she had been in hysterical floods and a half dressed Dylan had practically been pinning her down as she unravelled for the second time in a matter of hours.

However despite her displeasure at how badly the events of the previous day had ended for her, she felt a strange sense of relief that she had finally broken through the emotional barrier that she had erected when she had chosen to throw her marriage away and she was oddly encouraged that she had been able to elucidate some of her darkest thoughts to either Nick or Dylan over the course of the evening. In fact if she was honest with herself, in a way that she would never admit to another living soul, there was only one thing that she regretted about the previous day and unsurprisingly to her it was not beating Mr Ellis as hard as she could nor downing the pills, as both of these had actions had provoked her into thinking things through in a way she had not been able to before. Less predictably to her, the thing she regretted was also not opening up to Nick Jordan so candidly about her relationship with Dylan, her mother's death or Ash's assault on her, as she had found being able to say the words aloud an odd sort of comfort.

In truth the only act of the day she actually had cause to lament was how she had once more destabilised her relationship with her husband, only this time she had waited until not only they had reached a mutual understanding but also when he was at his most emotionally vulnerable. That she had chosen that very moment to seek a physical comfort from him and had therefore destroyed the very fragile acceptance of circumstances they had achieved with one desperate desire to feel close to him was unforgivable in her eyes. She also couldn't help but reflect that it had been her usually emotionally incompetent ex-husband who had spotted what she was doing before she had even thought it through herself and had questioned why she was attempting to have sex with him when on all previous occasions their connection had been wholeheartedly about the act of making love.

Despite all her longstanding issues over the circumstances surrounding their first night together Sam was well aware that this connection had been more than just meaningless sex, even if at the time it had felt like just that and following their engagement she had waited until after their first proper night together to explain to Dylan the difference between meaningless fling or emotional sex and the connection between two people in love. She knew she had acted hastily to break up her marriage in the past by deliberately seeking out something Dylan would know she never would have wanted if she had been happy and whilst that had been bad enough, she had never thought before that she would come close to jeopardising the intensity of her connection with Dylan by using him as an emotional crutch when what she really needed was for him to just hold her. She recalled how long it had taken her to convince him that the cuddles they had shared before she had been ready to do more than just fall asleep beside him had meant far more than any of her intimate encounters with former boyfriends, but that had been mainly due to his own inexperience of anything other than a physical relationship with his former partner, who in Sam's own opinion had used Dylan for nothing more than casual one night stands on an on-going basis but dressed up as a relationship when that was far from the case. It made Sam feel nauseous that after investing so much time whilst married to Dylan in being close to him that she would risk the meaning behind everything in their past just to get some comfort but all she could hope for was that his halting of proceedings, just as Tom had done only recently also, meant that Dylan had understood not only that she was behaving in a certain way for the wrong reasons but that actually it wasn't that she wanted at all.

Sam headed out of the park exit and crossed the quiet street as she ran back towards her flat but with her mind still very much focused on her husband. When she put her own actions to one side for a moment and thought about how things had appeared from his perspective it still shocked her that Dylan had done the unexpected and laid his heart on the line quite so forcefully, especially as she considered his opening declaration to her had been in front of two of their colleagues. She recalled all the times in the privacy of their own home that the man she loved had dropped his guard but even in their closest of moments Dylan had always been reluctant to discuss how he actually felt and had preferred to focus on the practicalities of dealing with the situation they were in at the time. She knew that her eyes had filled with tears on numerous occasions as they had spoken and that would have happened regardless of his reaction to her words given the emotive nature of their conversation, but it had been seeing her husband's eyes fill with tears and the anguished expression he had tried to keep from his face when she had been looking in his direction that had broken her completely.

Sam considered that although she had grown to accept over the past four years Dylan had actually loved her, she knew that it had only been in her conversation with Nick and then her husband's declarations that had finally forced her to recognise that as much as she knew Dylan was the only man she would ever love, he genuinely appeared to hold her in the same esteem. Despite the shock of finding herself sobbing into his embrace wrapped up under the duvet after her ill-advised attempt to make out with him, as she had finally fallen asleep she had comprehended that even though she had spent the entirety of the last few weeks pushing Dylan away from her, he had remained adamant that he was not going to leave and not only did he appear to mean this, she could see that it came from a place of love rather than responsibility. Sam knew that her husband was doing everything he could to make things better and had proven beyond belief that it mattered to him that she was still hurting. Nonetheless their marital status still remained unresolved and despite it all she couldn't help but consider whether with her return to Afghanistan imminent, it would be better for all concerned if she stayed true to her initial thoughts and walked away for good.

Sam reached the end of the path to her flat and looked up to the window of her room where her sleeping husband was likely to still remain with his ever faithful canine companion at the foot of the bed. She switched off her iPod and pulled her earphones out, taking in the quietness of the street around her in the early morning light. She was certain that whatever happened next she would be fulfilling her commitments to the army and returning for her tour of duty as arranged but was aware that this left her at something of an impasse with the people currently in her life. Given all that had occurred in the previous days she had no job to return to and had burnt more bridges with those she had come to consider friends than she dared to allow herself to remember despite their persistent attempts to look out for her at every possible opportunity.

Nevertheless the concept of returning to Holby after her upcoming departure felt more enticing than she had wanted it to, especially with the likes of Nick, Tom, Scarlett and the paramedics apparently seeming supportive of her regardless of the circumstances she found herself in. It was as if after years of hiding her true feelings from everyone around her she now felt able to be herself once more and finally had been able to draw strength from the support of Dylan and her newfound companions to confront the fears that had remained locked deep inside her for so long. However whilst the freedom she felt at her eventual ability to break free from her self-imposed prison was very real to her, it still felt tarnished by the unresolved issue of her relationship with Dylan.

Sam slowly walked down the path and unlocked the door to her flat as silently as she was able to, not wanting to wake any of the sleeping inhabitants inside with her return. However as she spied Dylan's coat flung across the banister wrapped up with Dervla's lead, seemingly abandoned there in a hurry on their entry the night before, she made the decision that the only way she would be able to return to Holby was if her and Dylan were able to come through on his suggestion to start over again as husband and wife. Sam's fingers flickered out to the familiar jacket and as she touched the material momentarily she wondered whether the cathartic sense of release she felt would give her the strength she needed to finally tell Dylan the one piece of their complicated jigsaw puzzle that she had been keeping from him for so long.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay so there we go and I promsise the next update will not be so long this time around. This fic is now heading towards a conclusion although there are a few little twists still to come, which I hope you will enjoy.<strong>

**Anyway, thank you for reading and if you liked it (or even if you didn't!) I would welcome your comments and reviews.**

**Thank you. Callie x**


	22. The definition of honour

**Right, first of all my apologies for the significant delays in updating my current fics. Unfortunately real life and a full time job seems to get in the way, but I've finally knuckled down and decided to get writing. This story has just a couple more updates to go so I am going to prioritise finishing this before I start working on updating For Better, For Worse - so please just bear with me for a little while longer on that one.**

**Anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter but especially Helen, as that particular review meant a lot to me. **

**Also thank you to Anny and Ficmouse for spending far too many nights debating our stories and Casualty with me well past what should be considered an acceptable bedtime and to Meggi, for just being so very lovely. **

**So here we go, the next update. Hope you enjoy. **

* * *

><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of honour**

_Honour: noun; high respect, great esteem, something regarded as a rare opportunity and bringing pride and pleasure, a privilege _

Sam Nicholls

Sam found herself smiling in vague amusement at the topic of conversation around the table as she leant back in the comfortable leather couch and surveyed the antics of those in her vicinity. She had noted with some surprise on her arrival several hours earlier quite how full the pub had been, having not recalled anyone previously mentioning it was such a hot spot, only to discover that the overwhelming majority of those present had turned out to specifically celebrate her now imminent departure date. In those first few moments Sam recalled that she had found herself uncertain how to deal with quite such a significant amount of attention, especially when it appeared that the guest list had included staff from other E.D. shifts and colleagues whose path she crossed purely to handover patients who were being admitted to wards. Yet there had been the smallest part of her that had been instantly transported back to her slightly more hedonistic days as a medical student, back when spending evenings with hundreds of people she barely knew in various student union bars had been the activity of choice to get her through the difficult times.

Sam knew that despite her outward display of confidence when she walked in through the pub doors with Tom that she had briefly stepped backwards on feeling the wave of noise that came from her cheering hospital compatriots but as his hand had apparently instinctively come to rest on the small of her back she had found herself being propelled through the crowd to the prized circle of decent seating in the corner of the room where she had resided almost continuously since. She reflected that perhaps to those outside of the E.D. she may have seemed anti-social in not circulating but not only had she never been one for pointless small talk with people she barely knew, given the events of the past few weeks she had not wanted to be subject to interrogation from people who had heard half the story and felt they had the right to pry.

It had been with interest that she had watched Lenny practically gag Linda on numerous occasions thus far as the nurse had allowed her gentle probing to stray closer to dangerous territory and Sam could only begin to imagine how what had occurred mere days previously had morphed into a wild tale of a distraught doctor rugby tackling an abusive husband to the ground and beating him senseless, a story that was no doubt doing the rounds of every ward at the hospital if the gossip in each department had gotten their way. She couldn't actually be sure though whether what concerned her more was that she was likely to be being openly discussed by most people in attendance, which was probably for a substantial number of them possibly the main reason for them being at her party at all, or that what they were undoubtedly saying was close enough to the truth to make her have to question quite why she had allowed things to get so drastically out of control in the first place.

Sam physically shook that thought out of her head and made the decision to instead focus on what so far had been an excellent party, making eye contact with Jeff across the table as she did so and returning his worried gaze with a smile. She thought back to moments after her arrival when her favourite paramedics had first caught up with her and how Jeff had kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear as he did so that it was good to see his princess out once more. He had subsequently managed to surprise her by clasping his hands over her eyes, which she was aware should have frightened her more than it did yet somehow she had felt safe with him so close by her side. On being spun around twice by him and Dixie Sam recalled warning them that she felt vaguely sick before finding her eyes uncovered and coming face to face with a huge banner that dictated "We'll miss you Sam" in such a way that brought tears to her eyes.

Once more she found herself glancing back up at the brightly coloured farewell that was strung up across the wall behind where they were seated and considered that the photographs of herself that appeared to have been haphazardly taped to the slightly lopsided homemade hanging must have been sourced from someone, as they included pictures of her in her full army uniform and one she felt certain had been taken on her honeymoon given the background surroundings. It bemused her greatly that despite his adamant rejection of an invitation to the event itself, Dylan must have had at least minimal input into arrangements. She stole a brief squint back towards the table and instantly cursed herself for not recognising earlier on that it could only have been her husband that chose some of the foodstuffs present, given that she knew categorically no one else was actually aware of her fondness for strawberry laces, Rolos and Hershey's kisses, which always reminded her of the weekend she and her mum had spent in New York City back before her mother's illness had taken over their lives.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Dixie's voice came from beside her and Sam looked around to see the friendly face of a woman she had long since come to trust.

"I don't think they are worth that much," she joked in response, before gesturing towards the table. "Dylan?" she questioned with what she identified as hope in her tone.

"Apparently so," the female replied knowingly. "I don't think he was that keen on the idea of the actual party but he has been quite helpful in organising it from what Tom has said," she continued. "According to my sources the two of them appear to work quite well together when they aren't bickering over you," she added quickly as they were interrupted by the arrival of Big Mac and Noel back at the table with a fresh round of drinks.

Sam watched the playful banter between her colleagues, especially the Collier's, as the selection of alcoholic beverages was quickly dispatched to the relevant waiting drinker. She reflected that after her behaviour towards the paramedics when she had fled their ambulance earlier in the week and left them standing worried on the other side of her hastily locked and bolted door she would not have been surprised if they were no longer on speaking terms with her. However to her astonishment they had been an incredible distraction, given that she had stayed true to her word and not returned to work prior to her official leaving date. On those first few days following her revelations and complete breakdown Sam had known she had been feeling at her most vulnerable but the unexpected arrival of Jeff and Dixie on her doorstep whilst on their coffee break had been a welcome one in spite of her still being attired in pyjamas and with her hair bedraggled from yet another disrupted night's sleep. Though this visit had been the first of many, it had actually been their actions the previous day when they had come close to forcibly removing her from the flat and had sneakily whisked her off to ride shotgun in the ambulance with them for a shift that had brought a beaming grin to her face.

Sam had known that she was not technically suspended, having convinced Nick to fight this the best he could on her behalf in order to prevent there being any barriers to her return to an army role but from what he had fed back to her the Trust had instructed that she was not to return to work pending her secondment ending, with an implication being that she should not set foot on hospital property other than to collect her possessions, which in itself was a task that she had asked Scarlett to complete on her behalf before she had met the girl for coffee earlier that day. However in spite of her ban Sam recalled spending a great shift out with the paramedics, enjoying their easy going banter and chipper attitude whilst also getting to reminisce about her very first day in Holby so many months beforehand. On their return to the E.D. on each occasion with a new patient she had helped with the handover whilst in the back of the ambulance, much to the amusement of the various doctors and nurses who had crossed her path but whilst she had not seen Nick directly, it had been apparent to her from comments made that he was aware of her actions but had chosen not to notice officially. Sam warmly recalled that although people like Tess and Charlie usually did things by the book when it came to staffing issues, even they had raised a smile in her direction on seeing her in the back of the ambulance with Tess patting her reassuringly on the arm and informing her that she had been missed.

"Isn't that right Sam?" queried Big Mac, causing Sam to glance up at the sound of her name in time to see him wink in her direction.

"Isn't what right?" she questioned in response, having completely missed the topic that was being discussed due to the constant stream of thought that had been barrelling through her head until that point.

"That when the forces are out on active duty you have to sleep outdoors," Big Mac stated categorically in her direction with the straightest of expressions on his face. "No tents, no beds, no bathrooms. Service personnel don't need any of those comforts, you have to be tough to get through it," he added with a conspiratorial glance sideways, which prompted her to turn her head to see Noel staring at her in open-mouthed astonishment at the prospect.

"That's absolutely right," Sam retorted instantly, making a determined effort to keep an innocent poker face as she spoke. "When I was on my last tour we didn't even have a kitchen area so we could only eat raw food and as for the toilet arrangements, well I won't even go there," she followed up, eliciting a gasp from the receptionist as he heard her response.

"Really?" he asked intently, his eyes so wide that Sam felt she could almost see him processing the implications of the information he had just received. She glanced back towards Big Mac where she caught the older man going red in the face and struggling to contain himself, before she joined him in a simultaneous burst of laughter as she heard Charlie telling her colleague that they may well have been pulling his leg. Sam had no clue quite how the conversation had come around to telling tall tales about Afghanistan and the war but on catching the slightly confused expression on Noel's face she was giggling regardless.

"See you won't get that high level of conversation where you're going," Jeff chipped in with a smile.

"No, where I'm going I'll get ribbed a lot worse than that, believe me," she answered authoritatively with a grin, reaching out to pat Noel's knee in apology as she did so. "However I wasn't joking about the toilet situation," she added mischievously but with an awful memory springing to mind. "I mean, you try living on a base with a few thousand men. Just imagine how horrendous the toilets could get after a while and even I wouldn't answer back once I knew toilet cleaning duty was one of the optional punishments from my CO," she concluded, recognising that the disgusted look on Noel's face was most likely matched by her own facial expression as she saw the shadow of someone move behind her and Tom clambered over the back of the sofa, landing fairly clumsily on the cushion beside her with little warning.

"What are you chattering about?" he asked, his eyes wide and bright enough for Sam to establish that his unseemly entrance had been brought about at least in part by the influence of a high blood alcohol level in his system. "Are you going to be boring and sit here all night or are you coming to dance?"

"Dance?" Sam replied in horror as Tom reached out his hand as if to drag her to her feet. "I don't dance, I never dance," she continued persistently.

"What never?" he countered incredulously. "Not even at your own wedding?"

"That would surely have implied that Dylan liked to dance and I can't see that being the case, can you?" Sam reasoned, hearing a stifled chuckle from Jeff and Dixie as she did so. "Besides it was enough of a big deal for us to have the wedding in public, never mind putting ourselves through the humiliation of the whole first dance debacle," she added, remembering instantly what activities they had found to amuse themselves with instead and feeling her face flush with the memory.

"I'm sure I can get you up and dancing before the night is over," Tom insisted with a degree of certainty that Sam found alarming. "I mean you were a child who grew up in the nineties, like me," he added, sounding proud of himself for having calculated this and causing her to smile in spite of herself at how adorable her friend was when he had crossed the line towards tipsy. "The nineties was the decade of girl power and dance routines, I mean didn't every girl know the routine to Steps songs or the words to the Spice Girls?" he continued confidently. "I'm sure if I get something cheesy on later you'll be up dancing with us. I mean who didn't dance to the Macarena and Saturday Night at a holiday camp right?"

"I think that says a lot more about you than her mate," Jeff broke in from across the table with amusement spread across his face at the consternation evident in Dr Kent's eyes. Sam studied Tom with interest as he fell into a thoughtful expression with the reality of his admittance to enjoying bad nineties music apparently sinking in. She recalled that he had arrived on her doorstep the day after her breakdown in the department, and subsequently his arms outside, with a jar of strong coffee in his hands and a concerned look plastered across his face. He had lightened the mood considerably by referencing that the last time he had been present in her flat had been when she had invited him in for coffee, so this time had brought his own to ensure there was no misunderstandings.

She thought back to how she had felt on seeing him standing there and remembered the moment she had stepped forward to give him the briefest of hugs, before removing the coffee from his hands and giving him the opportunity to follow her inside to talk. They had slipped into the easy conversation that seemed to characterise the friendship she had with him, even given all that had occurred both between them and in their vicinity over the past weeks, yet Sam had felt that she at least owed him even the attempt of an explanation of her behaviour over the time they had grown closer, if only to satisfy her own need to apologise for her erratic attitude towards him.

Sam reflected back to how she had started to speak but had been cut off almost immediately by a man who had shown her nothing but kindness. His utterance that although he would always be prepared to be her shoulder to cry on, he had no necessity to know the details unless she chose to disclose them had stunned her and she had not realised she had watered up until Tom himself reached out to wipe away a stray tear that had rolled down her cheek. She appreciated his unquestioning attitude immensely in that whilst she had been willing to provide him with a potted history of recent and more historic events, this would have opened her up further to feeling vulnerable in front of those around her. That he was quite willing to remain in the dark whilst she got her head together and just act as the supportive friend he had always been felt quite selfless to her, especially as she had heard from Scarlett subsequently that he had taken her trauma quite badly to the point of ending up sobbing over a young barmaid about her the night before he had been round to hers.

Tom had stayed for several hours that day and had twisted her arm to get agreement on the leaving party, something which she was grateful to him for co-opting her into now that it was upon her. He had stuck to his word that there would be drinks before she departed and Sam couldn't help but consider that whilst he was not the right man for her, one day some woman was going to be lucky to have him as her husband and she made a mental note to tell him of this thought when he was slightly more sober. She recalled that in one of their conversations Tom had made it clear to her that he was not a fan of commitment and how it had fascinated him that she must have married so very young, a talking point that had culminated in her confessing that she had actually separated from Dylan due to her having owned up to cheating on him, a revelation that had drawn a deep intake of breath and raised eyebrows from her friend. She had acknowledged that even she knew it didn't sound much like her but had countered that sometimes people do irrational things, which he had reluctantly accepted as being the case.

Sam heard the music pick up once more and turned in her seat to cast her gaze in the direction of the area that had been commandeered as a dance floor for the evening. The earlier crowds had thinned out considerably since her arrival with Sam contemplating that the overwhelming majority of people had been supportive and accepting of her, hospital gossip notwithstanding and that this had meant that despite the nosiness of the minority she had not felt the need to hide and pretend everything was perfectly fine, relaxing instead to concentrate on just being herself and having a good time with her colleagues.

The only person who had really pried Sam reflected had been Linda and since her earlier tactless comments she had been removed to be surgically attached to Lenny's side on the dance floor where Sam was now able to witness them doing what she could only describe as their own unique interpretation of a song she vaguely identified as being current in the charts. She was amused that in spite of them dancing separately they appeared to have a desire to reach out to grab at each other with every second move, in a manner which made them appear as one fluid creature rather than two individual beings. As she turned further in her seat she also spied Scarlett and Lloyd standing slightly off from centre of the floor but talking intensely rather than dancing themselves. From Lloyd's facial expression it was clear to Sam that he was disdainful of his colleagues attempts at following the rhythm of this particular song but Scarlett appeared more than happy to be chatting with him and as she watched she saw the young nurse reach her hand down to slip it into his, biting her lip nervously as she did so.

Sam found her attention being snatched away from the rather sweet scene she was watching unfold in front of her by the arrival of first Tess, then swiftly behind her both Zoe and Nick, all three of whom had come straight from a late budget meeting. Whilst she was aware that none of them had been keen to attend this, especially as it resulted in them missing the earlier part of the party, she did not begrudge them their lateness, especially as she was aware her replacement was an agenda item in terms of a budget commitment that needed to be made.

Sam raised her arm and waved in the direction of her arriving colleagues, meeting their gaze and eliciting smiles from all three in response. She watched as Nick gestured to the two women to give him their drinks order before they approached the table and he the bar and as she stood up to greet the newcomers Sam found herself staring over Zoe's shoulder to the man who had become such an important part of her life in recent weeks. In the preceding days she had watched him come to accept her upcoming departure, despite knowing that he could have chosen to prevent it if he had wished to do so, but rather than focus on this he had instead discussed with her the possibility of recruiting only a temporary replacement to give her the opportunity to return at the end of her tour of duty.

Although Sam knew she had considered this option as a possibility, Jordan actually vocalising it as an option that both he, Zoe and the Trust were open to had thrown her more than she had cared to admit. She had long since accepted that without a resolution to her situation with Dylan a return to Holby was not an option, as she was not prepared to put him through watching her move on with her life when it was undoubtedly not what either of them wanted but she also had come to realise that to walk away from Dylan and Holby when actually both appeared to want her to stay would be utterly mad.

She settled herself back down into the chair and waited for Nick to join the group, reflecting as she did that in her role as a seconded army medic she must have been held in reasonably high professional esteem to be expected to return to this hospital. However as the man who had acted as so much more than a boss to her since her arrival in Holby finally joined them and passed drinks out to his fellow recent entrants she found herself understanding that whilst her employment status was important to her, it was that she was privileged enough to have this man appear to view her as a daughter that personally felt like the most incredible honour.

* * *

><p><span>Nick Jordan<span>

Nick drained the remainder of his glass and momentarily wished he had asked the barmaid for the entire bottle to get him through the rest of the evening. He was fully prepared to accept that Tom had done an exceptional job of getting this party off the ground in such a short space of time, although most of the staff would never have taken much persuading to go out for drinks regardless and most definitely not where this particular night was in honour of a colleague as popular as Sam. However it was not the actual party that was causing him difficulty, more that its arrival had crystallised for him that Dr Nicholls' departure was now so imminent that he could only describe it as unavoidable.

He glanced over to where the young woman concerned was busy chattering animatedly away with the group seated around a table beside him and reflected that she never failed to surprise him with her determination. Her show of vulnerability a few days previously had been tinged with him recognising within her the immense strength of character it must have taken for her to survive the events of the past and whilst he knew with certainty that she had not escaped unscathed, that she could smile and relax in the company of people he believed she had come to accept as friends was beyond anything he could comprehend.

It was with interest that he had spent the duration of the party so far observing the girl and how his team interacted with her, finding it fascinating that whilst the likes of Tom and Scarlett appeared to be able to see past the events of the last few weeks and treat her purely as a friend, those in a similar position to he were apparently struggling with the concept of her managing to cope when she left them in a matter of forty-eight hours. Nick recalled the hushed discussion he had witnessed between Dixie and Jeff at the bar when it had become clear to him that the female paramedic was having difficulty in keeping her composure and subsequently it had seemed to him that the two of them were only managing to keep their emotions in check by resorting to the playful banter that was characteristic of how they dealt with horrors they witnessed out in the field on a daily basis. He thought back to his discovery that they had spent the previous day driving Sam around, much like she had wangled from them on her very first shift, even in spite of her being absent from work and whilst he knew he should have been concerned by this act of defiance he had found himself waiting for updates from Dr Hanna as to how much happier Dr Nicholls had looked to be back stuck into things with the paramedics, even if only in an unofficial capacity.

"I thought you might need this," Zoe stated from beside him as she slipped the bottle of whiskey onto the table and manoeuvred herself skilfully onto the stool next to his own balancing a large glass of wine in one hand and an open bottle of red in the other before placing both on the table. "I'll get a cab with you later," she added as an afterthought, greeting his raised eyebrows at her statement with her own at the possibility of the innuendo she had just hinted towards. "It's going to be hard to watch her leave, isn't it?" she continued after a pause, causing Nick to study how she was now staring at the younger doctor intently. "Especially as they still haven't sorted things out," she concluded, turning to face him with a sadness in her eyes that he recognised instantly.

"Believe me I've tried to get her to talk to him," Nick responded softly. "And I know you've spoken to Dylan," he acknowledged before Zoe had the chance to interrupt him. "But I guess this is just something they have to work out for themselves. I thought after the other day we would have made some progress," he added, remembering the moment he and Zoe had charged into Sam's room on hearing her screaming to find her bundled up in her quilt with Dylan practically pinning her into his arms as she tried to fight him off. Nick recalled that the tension caused by his displeasure towards the other man on finding Sam in such a distressed state had been palpable, especially given the only reason he had agreed to leave them alone in the first place had been because of Dr Keogh's reassurances that he just needed to talk to his wife. However it had been Zoe who had reacted first in reaching the younger woman and holding her as she froze, apparently lost in her own world for quite some time. The frank exchange of views between himself and Dylan in the kitchen in the immediate aftermath had been both heated but necessary and by the time they had returned a few minutes later Sam had calmed enough to be drifting off into sleep, exhausted still from the intensity of the day. Nick thought back to how Zoe had stood to greet them, squeezing Dylan's arm and giving him permission to stay with his wife as she slept before she had forced Nick himself to exit the room with her and subsequently spent the remainder of the night asleep on the sofa beside him with her legs tucked up underneath her as she relaxed into his chest.

"You look like the kind of woman who likes to dance," Tom called as he removed himself from his seat beside Sam with the girl hot on his heels and purposefully made his way towards Zoe. Nick found himself laughing at the alarmed expression that crossed his ex's face as Dr Hanna was dragged from her stool and off into the centre of the floor to dance with her younger colleague despite her noisy protestations to the contrary.

"He's been trying to convince someone to dance with him all night," Sam joked as she reached Nick's table and slipped into the seat that until moments previously had been occupied by Zoe and the two of them slipped into a comfortable silence as they both watched the hysterical scene of their colleague trying to retain her dignity as Tom swung her about all over the place. Nick scanned the remainder of the room as he poured himself another glass of whiskey and drained it, his eyes falling upon the various groups of staff who were congregated in different areas of the pub. He spied Big Mac and Noel attempting unsuccessfully to impress a few girls by the bar, whilst the Colliers', Tess and Charlie chatted over drinks in the corner and then turned to see Lenny being dragged back up to dance by an apparently drunkenly amorous Linda, given where her hands appeared to be roaming which was a sight that almost caused Nick to choke on the liquid he had just swallowed. He followed Sam's gaze back towards the table she had come from and found himself watching as Lloyd leant forward to kiss Scarlett, eliciting both a smile from the nurse herself and his own companion at the public nature of this declaration. Nick reflected that whilst he had realised the entire department would miss Sam, he had witnessed that certain individuals had grown far closer to her than others and made a mental note to ask Charlie to keep a special eye on the youngest member of the team after Dr Nicholls' departure.

"Dylan isn't coming you know," Sam spoke reticently, her eyes breaking away from the happy scene in front of them. "He decided it would be best if he just stayed away," she added with some uncertainty evident in her tone.

"This isn't easy for him you know," Nick countered sympathetically. "After everything that happened the other day I don't think it unreasonable for him to find this all quite difficult."

"I know," Sam answered simply, looking down at her hands which Nick noticed were clasped together tightly on the table. "He wants to know where he stands but it isn't that simple is it?" she questioned, her big blue eyes gazing up at him brimming with emotion.

"Listen," he finally responded after a pause, putting down his glass and reaching out to take her hands in his own, pulling her round to face him. "I wish I had seen what was coming and that I could have stopped you from going through hell the past few weeks, but I couldn't," he explained, still regretful that he had not spotted the full extent of Sam's emotional problems until she had reached crisis point and knowing that if she had actually gone through with her attempted suicide he would never have been able to forgive himself for as long as he lived for his failure to protect her. "I also wish I could stand here and tell you I've suspended you so that the army would refuse to whisk you off to a warzone where I can't guarantee you'll be safe," he added with a crack in his voice as he reluctantly spoke those words aloud. "I could have made it difficult for you, we both know that but I also know that I would just have made it worse for you and I would never want to do that," he elaborated. "If I could stop you from leaving and have you stay here in Holby with us all forever then I would, but I know that won't make you happy and if I'm honest that is all I want for you," he concluded.

"I know," Sam responded instantly, chewing on her lip and looking downwards. "And you will never know quite how much you've done for me. Thank you just doesn't seem enough."

"You don't need to thank me Sam," Nick replied quietly, releasing her hands and reaching out to push her chin back upwards so he could once again see her face. "When you confided in me the other day I was so angry and horrified, but most of all I felt helpless that there was nothing I could do to help you. I don't know where you found the strength from to relive everything with me that night but you gave me this sense that I was privileged that you felt able to trust me enough to let me in," he justified earnestly, watching her reaction closely as he spoke. He was more than capable now of reading the vulnerability in her eyes, even though Sam seemed to have made attempting to hide any such weakness an art form she had been forced to become scarily skilful at. "All I can hope is that before you go, you sort things out with Dylan and whatever it is you are keeping from him you give him the same degree of faith you put in me that he will be able to deal with it."

"How?" Sam started to question, as if puzzled as to how Nick could know that she was hiding something further from her husband.

"You and I are more alike that you know," Nick countered with a wry smile. "You've obviously got something on your mind and you of all people know that you can't run away from your problems. Unless you are intending on never speaking to him again I doubt whatever this is will be resolved whilst you are away," he continued slowly, feeling very much as if he was giving fatherly advice as he did so. "And I am pretty certain I'm not the only one who cares for you unconditionally," he finished, noticing Sam blush slightly as he did.

"When you join the army you become part of a unit, something akin to family I guess," Sam explained. "There is this sense of belonging to them that I always thought you just didn't get with anything else, mainly because you have to trust that your men have your back at all times," she continued. "After my mum's funeral my father told me that he had never felt he belonged with us, not really, and even though he is no longer on active service, his entire life is still dominated by the army."

"But yours isn't?" Nick queried hopefully, wondering if the young woman was reconsidering her decision to depart.

"No," she answered slowly, as a look of realisation crossed her face. "Because I guess these days I know that it is possible to belong somewhere other than with them. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision to go back to Afghanistan but I know I don't want to do this forever," she added hastily. "I guess what I am saying is that I would quite like to come back home afterwards and to be able to say that I am back for good."

"We do something akin to family here in Holby too," Nick interjected. "Believe me, there have been times when all I have wanted to do was to escape this place but actually there is something about being here that does feel like being home," he elaborated. "And whilst we're being truthful here, there is nothing I would like more than to have you come back home to our slightly odd little family unit when you return," he concluded, gesturing to their colleagues and eliciting a beaming smile from his young doctor in response before he witnessed that expression drop from her face incredibly quickly.

"Real family was never a strong point for me. My parents never had the best marriage," Sam stated unexpectedly in a rush, catching Nick off guard somewhat. "My mum had her problems, even before she got sick," she continued shyly. "When I was really small I remember us going on holidays and doing all the things normal families did, but then my father got called away to Iraq, the Balkans, Northern Ireland and Kosovo and he was barely there," she confessed as if disclosing a shameful family secret. "He would always be away for a lot longer than everyone else's dad and I used to think I'd done something naughty that meant he didn't want to come home," she continued slowly with a look in her eyes that prompted Nick to consider quite how much damage the men in her life had done to this girl over the years. "I was a teenager before I realised that he considered us a burden but by then I was used to dealing with mum and her behaviour on my own anyway. I don't know if I was more angry at him for staying away because he couldn't cope or for marrying her in the first place knowing that one day it was inevitable he would end up leaving," she blurted out before reaching for Zoe's half full wine glass and gulping down the liquid. "After she died it was like he could barely bring himself to acknowledge my existence. I'd hear he was back in the country and I'd get in touch to let him know what was happening in my life and then the moment there was something significant, he'd be gone back to Iraq or Afghanistan," she added dejectedly. "He missed my graduation so he never saw me come top of my class; he never walked me down the aisle or danced with me at my wedding either."

"You wanted something different for yourself after your mum died, didn't you?" Nick questioned, removing the wine bottle from her reach before she could drink any further. "And you found yourself wondering if you were becoming the same person for Dylan as your mum was to your dad?" he continued carefully and received a nod in response. "Then you need to tell him that, because if nothing else he at least deserves an explanation doesn't he?"

"How did you get to be so wise eh?" Sam replied with a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "You would make a great dad you know, did you ever consider having kids?" she questioned before her eyes filled with alarm. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that," she added hastily.

"It's fine Sam," Nick responded. "My ex-wife and I, well children didn't happen for us," he recalled remembering back to the difficulties that outcome had caused between him and Karen all those years before. "And since then, it never really worked out with anyone else like that," he added, his mind travelling back to his relationship with Zoe and how what had happened between them had torn them apart so viciously for a while. "If I had been lucky enough to have a child, I'd like to think she would have grown up like you," he added with a grin. "I mean, as I said before we're more alike that you might think and I would have been proud to have someone like you as my daughter," he explained. "So if ever you and Dylan get your acts together and decide to have children, please keep me in mind to fill a grandfather role if you happen to have a vacancy."

"I doubt that is going to happen anytime soon," Sam retorted. "We always said we would never even discuss having children until I resigned my commission and then we didn't even make it that far anyway. However I will keep you in mind for grandfatherly duties if that situation ever arises," she elaborated for him. "In the meantime though, I do happen to have a parental vacancy right now so if you want to continue to take the "Daddy Nick" role you've been filling very successfully the past few months that would be fine by me," she concluded, leaving him stunned and speechless that she had just vocalised the place he had been craving to take in her life since he had first gotten to really know the girl.

Nick found himself settling back into a comfortable silence with the woman who seemed to have adopted him as her dad with no hesitation and glanced back towards the dance floor where he found his team dealing with a change in gear of music down to a slower song. The hilarity of watching Zoe coaxing Tom into behaving himself as they danced and Big Mac and Noel standing awkwardly with each other, was counterbalanced perfectly by the dancing partnerships of Tess and Charlie, Jeff and Dixie, Scarlett and Lloyd and finally Linda and Lenny, albeit with Linda apparently half asleep on her partner's shoulder.

Nick glanced back in the direction of Sam before pushing his stool back, wincing slightly at the scraping noise as the feet dragged across the floor before he walked around and gave the young doctor who had been seated beside him no choice but to join him on the dance floor in spite of her horrified facial expression. However as he felt her settle into his arms as they swayed together on the floor he felt her relax into the music and found himself pressing a kiss onto her forehead as his heart swelled with pride at the absolute honour of dancing with his daughter, a brave and strong young woman who was going off to serve her country and put to bed some of her own demons at the same time.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading and if you would leave me a review, this would make me so very happy!<strong>

**I'm already working on the next update, so fingers crossed it will be up this week. Callie x**


	23. The definition of acknowledgement

**So, first of all can I apologise about the ridiculous delay in posting this update. It turns out that both work and being ill really get in the way of writing, which is a shame because I would much rather have been writing than either of those two things. There are two more chapters and an epilogue to go after this and my primary focus now is to get this fic finished before the end of September, so to those of you who talk to me in PMs or on Twitter, please feel free to give me a motivating kick to help me on my way to fulfilling this target.**

**I would like to dedicate this chapter first and foremost to Brooke-Marie for being a little legend and for the brilliant conversations we have on email and on twitter.**

**Secondly I would like to dedicate it to everyone who reviewed my last few updates over the past months, but especially to Anny and Ficmouse because without the two of them I am pretty sure I would have lost my mind in recent weeks – having said that I am not sure that bonkers discussions about Casualty and fanfic in the middle of the night when we should all be asleep is not just as likely to send me crazy!**

**Anyway, here we go. I hope you like it (especially after such a long wait). **

* * *

><p><strong>To look out for you<strong>

**The definition of acknowledgement**

_Acknowledgement: noun; the acceptance of the truth or existence of something, recognition of the importance of something, the action of showing that one has noticed_

Sam Nicholls

Sam stared at her somewhat dishevelled reflection through the blur of watery eyes and felt a slight sense of disappointment wash over her that she had allowed herself to crack so publically in front of her former colleagues once again. She had tried to blame her state on a mixture of exhaustion and alcohol but in truth she was sure it was just as apparent to those she was currently hiding out from in the toilets that the teary mess she had disintegrated into had been more to do with the imminence of the goodbyes she was having to make than tiredness.

She recalled that it had really hit home for her quite how much she was about to walk away from when her colleagues had reacted so positively to the sight of her dancing in Nick's arms, causing him to hold her even closer and remind her just how she safe she felt standing beside him. They appeared to have come to an understanding on his role in her life moving forwards but Sam knew that one of the reasons she had found it easier to walk away before was because she could focus her entire efforts on trying not to miss her husband. With her now identifying the number of people she was likely to have on her mind when she boarded her flight the following week she was struggling to keep a lid on quite how badly it was going to hurt to leave.

It was for that reason, and that she had needed to escape following hearing a rumour that Nick would soon be attempting to make a speech, that she had resorted to hiding out temporarily in the toilets. Sam considered that she had always been a fairly confident person but she had never been keen on being the complete centre of attention for anything, especially where public speaking was concerned. She was certain that the main reason her and Dylan had escaped their own wedding reception had been to get away from the focus being primarily on them and their relationship for longer than was necessary and whist she had identified that not having had the formalities of father of the bride and best man to make speeches had made that part of the celebrations irrelevant anyway, she knew it had always amused her that Dylan had made no secret of the fact that far from being disappointed by this he had instead been more than happy to spend the remainder of their special day in the honeymoon suite with his new wife rather than downstairs with the crowd enjoying the continuing party.

"Are you ok?" asked Scarlett and Sam glanced back up into the mirror to see the young nurse appearing from the cubicle behind her, running her hands through her hair as she did so. Sam nodded in response but found herself unable to speak momentarily as the enormity of the situation hit home once more. "It won't be the same without you, you know that right?" Scarlett continued shyly, as she stepped forward and ran the tap and focused on washing her hands rather than meeting Sam's gaze. "Everyone is really going to miss you. I'm going to miss you," she concluded with a subdued tone.

Sam gripped her hands tightly on the side of the sink as she listened and despaired when tears slid silently down her cheeks as she reacted involuntarily to the girl's words.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Scarlett responded quickly, moving to pass her a tissue and causing Sam to imbalance herself slightly by releasing her grip on the sink with just one hand. "I just meant that we're all really sorry to see you go, but that doesn't mean I don't think you're doing the right thing," she added hastily. "I don't think it really hit me you were actually leaving until just now when I saw you dancing with Mr Jordan," she concluded, forcing Sam's mind back to the moment she had heard the older man's voice crack as he whispered in her ear about her wonderful contribution to the department. She had to consider that given the circumstances he was more than a little biased but that had not stopped her feeling a sense of pride in his sentiments, especially when she reflected that with the exception of her commitment to the army she had not settled anywhere for long enough since medical school to have built up such a strong relationship with her colleagues, nor would she have chosen to do so anywhere other than Holby.

"Thank you," Sam responded finally, having gathered her thoughts. "I don't just mean for coming tonight, more for everything you've done over the last few weeks," she continued more forcefully. "I've always spent most of my time around men, in the army and everything, so I've never really had many girly friends," she added in explanation. "I'm not really one for talking about how I feel or relationships and stuff like that, but with you I can just tell you things. Things I can't tell someone like Tom for example," she furthered with a smile. "And there have been some days when seeing your friendly face has been one of the only things that has kept me going."

"I do enjoy our chats," Scarlett answered shyly. "I really admire you, all that you've achieved and how strong you are, especially with everything that has gone on. I wish I could be more like you," she added earnestly and Sam momentarily wondered how much the girl had been drinking that evening.

"I'd rather you stayed more like you," she replied hastily. "I don't think this department could cope with two of me and actually, I quite like you just the way you are," Sam concluded honestly.

"Does that mean you're definitely coming back?" Scarlett questioned brightly, obviously having taken an inference from Sam's own words that she now felt unable to confirm.

"We'll see," she uttered, but with a hopeful tone. Sam was certain that the only prevention in her return to Holby was now her ex-husband and therefore what vetoed her from coming back to a job and a department she loved following her deployment was one final honest conversation with him. The irony of the fact she was staying tipsy to give her the courage to actually confront him with the realities she had kept hidden for so long given that he was now, thankfully, tee-total was not lost on her but in that moment she could not see another option that would work.

"Are you ready?" Scarlett chipped in and Sam glanced up to see the girl staring at her, obviously ready for some time to have exited the bathroom but apparently having decided to wait for her instead. Sam looked at her reflection in the mirror, harshly scrubbing the tears from around her eyes with the tissue she still had clutched in her hand as she did so, before running her fingers back through the hair that no longer appeared to be tied as tightly as she had originally intended. She sighed at the state she had allowed herself to get into before nodding in Scarlett's direction and moving to follow her from the room, considering briefly that there was little point in attempting to uphold any pretence with those outside in the pub that she was dealing with the situation any better than in reality she essentially was.

The wall of music that hit them when the door opened was nearly deafening and Sam was sure that if the young nurse had not been beside her she would most likely have retreated back into the eerily quiet sanctuary of the toilets once more but almost as soon as she reacted to the noise, Scarlett took hold of her arm with a smile and guided her back towards the main bar area where they emerged to their astonishment to the sight of the majority of their colleagues rocking out to "Living on a Prayer" which was blaring from the speakers surrounding the area that had been commandeered as a makeshift dance floor.

Sam giggled impulsively at the image in front of her eyes as she watched Scarlett cross the room to join Lloyd who was sneering somewhat at the concept of his colleagues behaving in such a way before she dragged him reluctantly onto the floor. Sam reflected momentarily that back before she met Dylan nights like this were a regular occurrence for her in med school and whilst it was not her connection to him that had prevented them from continuing, as she was certain the blame for that lay with another man's actions alone, she knew that this would never have been his idea of a fun night out. It was a disparity between the two of them that had never sat comfortably with her that before knowing him she had once been happy with friends whereas before connecting with her she was aware that Dylan had never really spent time socialising, preferring his own company and that of his books rather than nights spent on the town. The difference between them in that respect had been lost for the most part given that her last close friend before moving to Holby had been Ash and the damage he had done to her ability to trust people instinctively had for a long time prevented her from socialising with anyone, army comrades to a certain extent aside. Yet that her only attempts at friendship at all before her arrival at her current hospital had all failed due to her own inability to keep her professional and personal life separate as her marriage fell apart just proved to her that she was little better than Dylan at this friends thing regardless of what she liked to think.

"You look miles away Princess," Jeff's voice came from beside her, pulling Sam from her thoughts as she felt her friend's arm drape over her shoulder and she instinctively turned her head towards him with a smile. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I doubt they are worth that much," she answered with a giggle.

"You're gonna miss this aren't you?" Jeff stated knowingly and continued to speak despite Sam's best efforts to cut him off. "No listen to me, I know you keep saying it doesn't bother you but we both know that isn't true. There are a lot of people here who are going to miss you as well," he continued before squeezing her shoulders. "Me included."

"I know," Sam responded hoarsely, dropping her gaze from Jeff's face to the ground as she blinked back the water that had filled her eyes. "You do know that I have to do this though?" she asked, glancing back up at him with trepidation.

"Of course I do, I know you remember. From that very first day you wangled your way into my ambulance and nearly got yourself killed I was pretty certain you wouldn't be staying forever," the paramedic continued wistfully and Sam allowed her own mind to travel back to one of her oddest days of her time at Holby. "But," Jeff started with a change of tone to his voice. "You have to realise that things won't change just because you aren't here with him every day. I could get in that ambulance and go to work on the other side of the country, but it wouldn't change how I feel about things."

"Dixie wouldn't be happy if you stole her ambulance," Sam replied hastily, before considering her thoughts. "She wouldn't be happy if you left either, especially if you didn't say goodbye. She loves you, whatever that actually means," she continued slowly, knowing that the situation between the Colliers' was almost as far from her own as possible and yet somehow the sentiment felt similar to her. Sam found herself allowing Jeff to pull her into his arms and press a kiss to her forehead without protestation. "We're hopeless aren't we?" she spoke into his neck.

"Who is hopeless?" Dixie spoke from beside the pair, causing them to spring apart and make the briefest of eye contact in agreement that their conversation would not be disclosed.

"That lot," Jeff said without hesitation, gesturing as he did to their colleagues dancing across the floor. "No wonder this one here wants to get out of Holby if this is what it does to you," he exclaimed in disbelief. "Now do my two favourite ladies fancy a drink?"

"Ladies," Dixie scoffed in amusement, as did Sam at being described in such a formal way. "However, yes Jeffrey I think we could do with another round over here. Some of us are getting rather parched."

Jeff rolled his eyes in reaction to how he was spoken to by his wife before he wandered off towards the bar area. Sam glanced after him as he departed, still thinking about their earlier conversation.

"Action Sam," Dixie said gleefully from beside her, causing Sam to stare at her in puzzlement at the use of that term. "I have decided to re-christen you my little Action Sam, it just seems to fit. Wherever you are there always seems to be some sort of action going on and with you going back to the army, I can just picture you running around like Action Man," she elaborated with such sincerity that Sam had to bring herself not to laugh.

"Action Sam?" she said aloud, testing out the words for herself. "I quite like it," she added, feeling somehow that her nickname made her belong that little bit more. "I don't think I'll be mentioning it to anyone back at base though. I can imagine Action Sam would stick and I'm not sure I could handle that every day for the next nine months," she ended with a smile at the many and varied ways she knew her predominately male colleagues could torment her with that name for the duration of her tour. "Dix," she started, trying to summon up the words she wanted to say.

"Listen you," the female paramedic started, pulling Sam into a tight bear hug and holding her tightly. "You will be just fine, you know you will," she continued before releasing her but keeping Sam in her grasp. "And if you're not or you ever have a wobble, well Jeff and I will only ever be at the end of the phone ok?" she explained emotionally, brushing Sam's cheek with her fingers briefly. "We're not going anywhere."

"I know," Sam responded with a nod before reflecting on the situation the paramedics were in with their own marriage. "You are happy aren't you?" she asked, as unexpectedly to herself as Dixie. "You and Jeff I mean," she clarified.

"Happy?" she replied with a laugh. "Well as happy as anyone, don't you worry about us. We might not be the most, um, conventional of married couples but we're doing just fine," she justified quietly. "And," she continued more pointedly. "Some would say you and Dylan aren't the most conventional of couples either, but that doesn't mean you can't make it work."

"Thanks Dix," Sam responded. "I could do with you out in Helmand with me, keeping my spirits up."

"As much as that sounds like a great opportunity, I don't think my figure would suit the uniform," Dixie answered with a wry smile as Jeff reappeared and joined the pair of them. "Thank you Jeffrey," she added and Sam watched with interest as the paramedics seemed to speak an entire conversation without words in much the same way her and Dylan used to do.

"I'm going to speak to a few of the others," Sam interjected as Jeff passed her the glass filled with what she hoped was enough alcohol to keep her going without tears for just long enough to finish saying her goodbyes. She strode quickly across the dance floor, refusing to look back in case the sight of her friends made her start to cry earlier than she would have anticipated.

"Sam," Tom called over to her as she approached and she watched with bemusement as Zoe took both the distraction of her approach and the change in music to extricate herself from Dr Kent's arms and head past her in the direction of the bar, pausing momentarily to make eye contact with Sam, who found herself unable to resist expressing her delight at the sight of Tom and Zoe dancing so closely together by grinning idiotically at her older female colleague.

"Sam," Tom reiterated as she approached his side, slurring his words slightly as she assessed that he might be more than a little bit drunk. "Are you ready to dance yet?" he asked expectantly.

"I don't dance, I already told you that," Sam responded firmly, but moved to stand next to him and leant against his shoulder. "Thank you for helping pull this off, I would never have organised anything like this without you," she elaborated for his benefit.

"You danced with Nick," Tom answered indignantly, seemingly taking longer to process the words she was speaking through the haze of alcohol. "And I didn't do that much. Your husband on the other hand…."

"I know," Sam retorted, recognising that she would need to speak to the man concerned about that very fact before this night was over and wondering if she would get the opportunity to see him before he left for work the following morning. "Tom, in another life you and me would have been a good match you know."

"In another life where you weren't married to Dr Grumpy and I wasn't having a ball playing the field," he spluttered in response before putting down the glass he had been about to drink from and taking Sam's hand instead. "I do want you to know something though," he started intensely, swaying slightly as he spoke. "If you hadn't been married and you didn't have a whole load of other things going on in your head, then I wouldn't have wanted to stop that night, well cos you're a gorgeous girl you really are."

"I bet you say that to all the girls," Sam answered with a blush, her face reddening in spite of herself.

"Perhaps," Tom replied, nudging her side slightly in jest. "But most of the girls are not people I would stay in touch with, never mind being someone I would consider my closest friend," he explained with a sincerity Sam knew was commonplace when alcohol had been consumed, before he turned to face her slightly still not releasing his grasp on her hand. "I know I've probably had a bit to drink so I might be speaking out of turn, but you need to stop worrying quite so much about whether you are good enough for Mr Grumpy and remember that he should consider himself very lucky to have you as well," he concluded tipsily, studying her face intently. "Very, very lucky."

"Thank you," Sam started, initiating a hug with her much taller male colleague and burying her head in his chest. "You weren't speaking out of turn, I promise," she continued, realising as she spoke that her words must be muffled by his clothes. "Just promise me that one day you will settle down and find yourself a nice girl, someone who will make you happy."

"Tom, put that girl down and get yourself over to the bar. The barmaid is totally giving you the eye," the Scottish tones of Lenny said from behind Sam and she felt Tom release his grip on her.

"One day I promise," he whispered so close that only she would be able to hear. "When you get back you can help me draw up a shortlist of all the decent ones whose numbers I still have in my phone," he added with a grin, mocking the fake annoyance that covered Sam's face by dabbing her on the nose with his finger. "In the meantime, I've got a barmaid to talk to," he added slightly more loudly. "And don't think for a second that this is conversation over, if you think I'm letting you leave the country without me and you having one last chat you don't know me very well at all," he ended, pressing a brief kiss to her forehead before hurrying across the room towards the bar area once again.

"That boy is on heat," Linda stated as she glanced after him before she moved to take his place next to Sam, who stared at her with a perplexed expression. "And I know that you could say the same about me and Lenny," she continued, pulling him to stand beside her. "But there is a difference," she concluded with certainty.

"Yeah, I mean I'm pretty sure Tom usually makes it further than the toilets with his dates," Sam answered innocently, casting a sideways glance towards Lenny and Linda who appeared just the tiniest bit embarrassed at her knowledge of their behaviour a few days previously.

"How do you even know about that?" Lenny asked. "Zoe," he continued, answering his own question and Sam didn't have the heart to tell him that she had actually heard from Scarlett, as the entire department had been made aware of the events thanks to Linda's mouth being akin to a foghorn. Sam had to admit that whilst she could see that the couple were well suited and seemed able to make each other happy, she could not bring herself to understand Nurse Andrews' own gossip hungry behaviour either about her own or others personal circumstances. Sam reflected momentarily that she did not hold Linda responsible in any way for the issues that had unfolded in the past few weeks, but with the same sentiment she did consider that having the attention of an entire department drawn back constantly to her had not helped her resolve the situation either.

"How are you feeling about leaving?" Linda asked, stroking Sam's arm with her hand and drawing her back from her thoughts. "I do think you're incredibly brave you know, I don't know if I've told you that before but I know I couldn't do what you are about to do," she said, justifying her initial question. "You're definitely a lot tougher than you look."

"Thanks, I think," Sam answered, sure there was perhaps a slight insult buried in the complimentary words somewhere, but before she could reflect on that statement further the three of them were joined by Big Mac and Noel. "Are you boys still enjoying yourselves?" she asked keenly, grateful of a distraction from Linda beside her.

"Of course," Noel responded quickly, tipping his drink slightly and nearly spilling it over himself in his enthusiasm to join in the conversation. "Big Mac keeps telling me more stories about war though. I'm not sure how much of it is true but it sounds like you're going to be very busy out there," he added meaningfully. "You take care of yourself okay?" he ended, nodding slightly at her in a mark that Sam took as one of respect to her for what she was about to go and do in Afghanistan.

"Don't believe anything Big Mac says," Lenny replied with a laugh. "He is probably just trying to make his own role in the war sound more important than it was. Sam, were you even born when Big Mac served out there?" he added, causing everyone except the man himself to giggle.

"I take offence at that," Big Mac answered, but with a wry smile turning up the corner of his lips. "At both of those things actually. How old do you think I am?" he queried perturbed at such a thought. "Anyway, all I was actually saying was how I have a greater appreciation of what Sam will be going through out there, having been there myself like," he continued. "And I think she is very brave for signing up, it's a different sort of war these days and it takes a lot of guts to go back out there. Especially with all you see on the telly every day."

"Thanks," Sam stated with the sincerity and deference she knew was both necessary and required from one service person to another. "Actually, you know you could all do me a real favour if you're up for it?" she questioned slightly conspiratorially, pulling the group into her as she spoke. "We're allowed to get parcels out there, sort of care packages, you know?" she continued and sought nods from those standing around her. "If I get you my address out there, could you sort me something out. Send me over some supplies," she suggested. "Dylan," she started before pausing and taking a deep breath. "Dylan was always brilliant at sending me things, but his idea of a parcel usually involved some medical journals and a few other practical bits and pieces. I mean, if you guys could send me some decent toiletries, something mindless to read, little games and things like that. Plus sweets, you can never go wrong with sweets, even Dylan used to send me those," she rattled off like a shopping list.

"Consider it done," Lenny answered for the group, with the rest of them stepping back and silently acknowledging their agreement also. "And if you know of any other girls out there with you, you know who'd like a package through the post we'd be more than happy to oblige for them too," he continued with a smirk before Sam witnessed Linda elbowing him sharply. "I didn't mean for me," he clarified hurriedly. "I meant for these two, or even him," he stated, pointing over at Noel and Big Mac before nodding in the direction of Tom still deep in conversation with a barmaid, leaning across the bar towards her quite obviously now.

Sam leant back and allowed the others to continue to talk, barely listening to them planning the assortment of items she would receive in the first parcel. She momentarily considered that perhaps permitting them to do this had not been the best plan and she couldn't help but cringe at the thought of what Tom and Lenny, let alone Linda, would put in this box if they had the chance to, albeit with either the best or most humorous of intentions. As she drifted into thought, she spied Nick, Charlie and Tess in the corner of the room, the three of them having quickly regained their professional composure after their earlier forays onto the dance floor. In fact she considered that if it wasn't for Nick's top button now being undone, Charlie's too casual shirt and Tess holding her glass of wine tightly, she would not have considered that they were at a party at all. Sam knew that holding a management position was unlikely to ever appeal to her in the NHS, as outside of the army she was unsure how she would deal with the staff politics without wanting to bark orders and instructions at subordinates. However it fascinated her that these three, and Zoe to an extent, managed to hold the position of friend, confidante, colleague and manager all at once to the entire staff group and whilst she had always had the utmost respect for her commanding officers in the other world she resided in, she also knew the same applied for those who fulfilled that position in the civilian element of her life.

Sam silently excused herself from her current group and headed towards the senior staff, cursing inwardly as Nick departed before she reached them as she was well aware she needed to get on with saying her goodbyes soon enough if she stood any chance of getting home that night.

"Are you having a good time?" Charlie asked her kindly as she approached, and she gratefully smiled at the older man for starting the conversation.

"Yes, it's been fun," she replied truthfully. "But I'm going to have to get out of here in a little while, so I need to start saying my goodbyes," she started to explain.

"I don't think so," Tess interrupted before she could continue. "There haven't been any speeches yet," she elaborated and Sam was aware the look pasted across her own face might well be described as appalled at that particular prospect now becoming a reality, although she did have to accept that speeches would be usual at such a gathering even though she could count the number of such events she herself had been to on one hand.

"Speeches first and then I'm gone," Sam countered as her way of bargaining with what would soon be taking place. "So I should probably still start making my way around to say goodbye," she continued, stepping forward to awkwardly hug Tess, knowing that even just days ago having this much physical contact with so many people would have felt incredibly alien to her.

"We'll talk Nick out of making you give your own speech as well, if you'd rather," Tess spoke into her hair before they broke apart and Sam nodded furiously at that statement.

"This must be quite overwhelming," Charlie said quietly as he also drew her into a brief embrace. "Take care of yourself out there, you hear?" he ordered lightly, with a definite hint of emotion in his tone, reminding Sam that it wasn't just the most obvious of people who were going to miss her presence as much as she had protested to the contrary mere weeks ago.

"Ah, there you are," Nick said as he appeared beside her and slung his arm gently around her shoulders as he pulled her into his side whilst taking a gulp of the liquid in his glass. "I was just talking to Zoe and we remembered that there still hasn't been a speech," he continued, causing Tess to give Sam a knowing look. "There has to be a speech," Nick concluded somewhat sadly, before he downed the remainder of the alcoholic beverage in his hand, put down the glass and used his now free fingers to tip Sam's head up towards him. "We must give you a decent send off, I must," he trailed off, appearing choked by his own thoughts.

Sam took a deep breath and made every attempt to bite back her own tears, knowing full well that if Nick actually attempted a speech in his current state she was doomed to fall apart completely once more. She glanced around the room, picking out the people who meant so much to her each engaged in their own conversations and appearing at ease with their surroundings. She witnessed Dixie and Jeff dancing together, comfortable it seemed in each other's arms and further on from them Scarlett and Lloyd also swaying together, in perhaps Sam considered the most public display of togetherness she had seen them make. She realised that she was smiling inanely at the sight of them appearing so romantically entangled as Lloyd finally took the opportunity to lean forward and kiss Scarlett, before furtively looking around to see if he had been caught out. Sam recognised the need for privacy that the couple appeared to have, it was a similarity to her own past with Dylan in many respects even though the circumstances were far removed and yet as they moved slowly around and Sam caught Scarlett's eye the brightness in the young girl's eyes was enough to make Sam feel slightly soppy, in spite of her own feelings at that type of behaviour.

Across from where she was, she could see the group of Big Mac, Noel, Lenny and Linda still debating frantically and dramatically, but with Linda now having her head tiredly come to rest on Lenny's chest. Sam turned slightly and noticed that Tom was still at the bar, only by now talking once more to Zoe who seemed lost in thought and whilst Sam was not crazy enough to think the two of them were anything more than friends, she did hope they would be able to provide the other with some degree of support given how much they had all been through together in recent weeks. Behind her she could hear Tess and Charlie prompting Nick over things to say in his speech and whilst she did feel as if she might be about to explode with embarrassment, she felt proud that she had become a person that such a fuss was required over.

Nick moved to stand directly beside her and started to call the room to attention, with Sam witnessing how gradually everyone's attention came to lie on her and him alone, side by side. She shifted slightly and slipped her small hand into Nick's larger one, both to anchor herself in reality and to offer him some support as she looked out on the room with a smile. Sam had to concede to herself that this one moment meant far more to her than many other significant ones in her past, mainly because those still present were there because of her. There was only one person of importance missing, understandably so in her opinion and whilst in truth his absence did hurt, Sam acknowledged that saying goodbye to Dylan was far too important to be conducted in public, in fact it mattered so much now that she was unsure if she would actually be able to say the words at all.

* * *

><p><span>Zoe Hanna<span>

Zoe took a deep breath of the cool late evening air to steady her emotions before returning to take a long drag of her cigarette, recollecting as she did so that in recent weeks the amount she was smoking seemed inextricably linked to the situation Sam was in at that present moment and wondered if this would lessen or increase when the girl herself was posted to a warzone. Zoe considered that she had been fairly restrained that night, having only escaped to the relative safety of outside the pub on three occasions so far and given that the previous occurrences had been after she had ended up unexpectedly dancing wrapped around Tom and then after Nick's attempt at a speech she was certain she should congratulate herself.

She recalled that she would most likely regret dancing with Dr Kent come the following morning as she would have to face him when he was more sober and likely to be full of embarrassment but she was certain that he had not attempted to seek her agreement before he had dragged her off into the middle of the floor. Zoe knew she had spent the last hour wondering if she should be flattered by his continued attention, but had decided instead to accept it as nothing more than the drunken actions of a junior colleague and was slightly pleased that it would be him and not her that would have to apologise for slightly straying hands next time they crossed paths, even though she was perhaps equally as tipsy. She reflected that although she had not acted as a nun since her break up with Nick, her dalliance with Dylan an ill-fated example of that fact, it had been a while since she had just been able to have a laugh with someone and whilst Tom Kent was definitely a good looking guy, she had realised like never before when she was dancing with him that all she actually wanted was for the man who had been dancing mere feet away from her to be the one spinning her around in his arms.

Zoe took a long drag of her cigarette as she inwardly berated herself for her self-centred attitude. She was well aware that Nick was struggling to cope with losing Sam to the army, especially given the events of the last few weeks and instead of being supportive she had barely spoken to him since she had watched him take Sam in his embrace. It wasn't, she reflected, that she was jealous of his relationship with the girl, especially now she had established from him quite how paternal that connection was on his part. Strangely enough it had actually been being confronted with listening to Nick praise the girl as any proud father would that had caused her to flee back outside for this final time, both in fear of her colleagues witnessing the tears streaming down her cheeks and of having to comfort the man himself. Zoe looked skyward to stare at the glow of lights that lit up the ominous darkness around Holby and considered that Nick was already making a great father to Sam, which made it ever harder for her to contemplate re-establishing a relationship that she would never be able to fulfil completely on her part.

She allowed her mind to wonder momentarily back to that night not long ago when she had felt so certain that it was Dylan who she should be involved with, not her Clinical Lead and almost laughed aloud to herself at the very prospect. Despite their having spent a night, well a short part of one at least, in a very intimate encounter Zoe knew without question that whatever her intentions had been mere weeks before her and Dr Keogh had never been destined to have a relationship of that kind. It was quite clear to her now just how in love with his ex-wife he still was and whilst she would never want to begrudge the girl that, especially with all that she had been through, it had made her wonder whether there would ever be anyone else in her own life that would look at her in such a way.

The idea of reconnecting with Nick so intensely was as appealing as it was daunting she reflected, not least because of the nearly irreparable damage that had been done to their working relationship on each occasion they had butted heads over something personal. Yet despite this she felt the overwhelming desire to at least try to work through the unresolved issues that remained with him, if only to give her a conclusion to their past and allow her to move forward knowing that it was no longer an option. Realistically she considered that it would be unfair of her to ask Nick to forgo the option to have children, regardless of his views on their situation and she was aware that left with her very few options for her own future that didn't result in her ending up feeling alone and bitter about not having all that she wanted from her life.

Zoe shivered at the cold, the heavy air of a seemingly upcoming storm feeling like a pressure bearing down on her, and shook herself angrily, pulling her jacket tighter around her with her free hand as she did. She was aware that she was annoyed at herself both for her slightly tipsy emotional state that evening but also for allowing herself to descend towards self-pity. She did not feel that she had any right to wallow in her own misery and knew that whilst Sam had been falling apart recently Zoe had tried to do her best to keep both Dylan and Nick's heads above water so that they could offer the girl support. In truth she knew that she was strong enough to cope with her own failings and issues on her own but as pleased as she was that everyone had rallied around Sam so successfully in the past few days, she couldn't help but feel a tiny bit of resentment at how little notice anyone had taken of how she was coping with things.

"I thought you'd gone," Sam called out from the door to the pub causing Zoe to glance sideways as her trail of thought was broken and she guiltily offered a silent apology for her selfish thoughts. "I'm sorry I took so long, everyone just took their time in saying goodbye," Sam added hastily, as if she felt the need to justify herself.

"I'm getting a taxi with Nick," Zoe responded without hesitation before noticing the younger doctor's eyebrows raise at her words as she joined her a few metres away from the door itself.

"I thought Tom was more your type these days," Sam innocently countered, bringing a grin to Zoe's face instantly.

"I'm still your senior for now at least, I could reprimand you for that," she retorted good-humouredly. "Besides I think I will get payback tomorrow. He is going to be mortified at quite how flirty he was tonight I'm sure," she added in anticipation.

"I'm almost sad I'm going to miss that," Sam answered wistfully. "I can't imagine Linda or Lenny will give him an easy time of it either poor guy," she continued with more of a grin.

"Indeed! Anyway, what did you want me to wait for? You said there was something you needed to give me?" Zoe questioned, meeting Sam's gaze properly for the first time since the girl had exited the pub and recognising the conflicted look immediately as the other doctor fidgeted awkwardly.

"I need you to do me a favour," Sam started slowly, taking several deep breaths as she spoke before reaching into her handbag. "I need you to hold onto these for me," she continued and Zoe looked down to study the items that had been thrust in her direction. There was the briefest of moments where she felt as if time stood still before she reached her hand out to take the envelopes and her stare shot back up towards the young woman, with their eyes simultaneously flickering in mutual understanding. "Just in case, you know," Sam concluded, letting go of the documents after a pause.

"I'll give them back to you when you get home," Zoe answered dismissively, hoping she had disguised the choking emotion that had a hold of her at being asked to keep possession of such important letters and also the vivid image she had in her head of her having to actually hand these over to people if the necessity ever came. She counted five envelopes in her fingertips but managed to resist the temptation to look at who they were addressed to.

"I know it is a lot to ask and if it's too much then please say," Sam explained and Zoe noted she was now stubbornly refusing to meet her gaze, instead busying herself with chewing on her bottom lip. "It's just you are probably one of the only people I trust to do this."

"It's fine Sam, seriously," Zoe responded quietly, struggling to keep a grip on her own emotions but knowing full well that falling apart would not help the desolate young woman. "It's an honour," she concluded as she opened her own bag and carefully placed the documents inside, taking care not to crumple them as she put them safely away.

Zoe watched Sam fidget as she moved from one foot to another before the girl appeared to give up trying to keep still and quickly moved away from her towards a low wall which she seated herself upon, with Zoe following instinctively behind her after she had taken one final drag of her cigarette and stubbed it out with her high heeled shoes. She joined Sam so that they sat facing back towards the pub listening to the muffled music that still blared inside but in spite of this the silence between the two of them was deafening.

"Did you sort things out with Dylan at all?" Zoe questioned, knowing that she could be stepping onto dangerous ground given her and Sam's shared history where discussing Dr Keogh was concerned. She studied her former colleague momentarily as she seemed unable to formulate an answer before providing Zoe with a simple shake of a head as her response. "Don't you think you should try to talk to him?" she continued, wondering how far Sam would allow her to push her boundaries before she snapped.

"He still seems to think we can go back to the way things were before," Sam started, but with Zoe unsure whether she was trying to explain events or to get them straight in her own mind. "But I don't know if we can," she continued slowly. "What I went through, what we went through, it just took over our lives and even though Dylan gave up everything to be with me I started to hate what we had become," she added hoarsely as Zoe reached out to squeeze her hand whilst she spoke. "I know it hurt him to see me in so much pain and all I wanted was to be able to take care of myself so that he didn't have to. I didn't want to need him anymore but that doesn't mean that I didn't want him," she concluded in a rush. "That probably doesn't even make sense," she added with a wry smile. "Nothing seems to these days."

"You wanted him to want to be with you, not feel that he had to be because you needed him," Zoe elucidated, making an attempt to clarify Sam's words, successfully she assumed given the wide-eyed look the woman gave her in response. "That makes perfect sense to me," she continued, remembering back to how desperate Nick had been to avoid having her care for him when he was sick and wondering if similar thought processes would be present even if the situations were far from the same in any sense. "I can't say I understand because I've never been there, but that doesn't mean I can't comprehend what you are saying," she added before reflecting on her words. "There is however one thing that doesn't quite make sense to me though."

"Tracey," Sam responded knowingly, causing Zoe to briefly consider how easy it was to read someone else's mind. "The patient who was raped, I know what you're thinking."

"I gathered," Zoe retorted hastily before trying to formulate her thoughts into a coherent sentence. "I guess I see now that you recognised the hell she was in far more than I did and you really fought for her that day, I know you did," she elaborated. "But you pushed her and pushed her to open up to her husband and let him take the strain, yet when Dylan tries to do that for you it feels like you've pushed him away."

"He loves you, he'll hurt for you and my god he'll want to protect you but together you will get through it," Sam uttered so quietly Zoe could barely hear the words. "That's what I said to her that day, someone who mattered a lot said it to me not long after what Ash did and they just assumed Dylan and I were together," she continued in justification. "At the time it made no sense to me because I truly didn't think he thought of me like that but the longer we were together I started to realise it may well be true. I just didn't want Tracey to make the same mistakes I did in throwing away her relationship over someone else's actions," she explained, with Zoe recognising a hint of guilt in her tone.

"Did you ever think that it wasn't just about whether you needed Dylan and that maybe, just maybe he needed you too?" Zoe asked cautiously.

"He didn't need me before though did he?" Sam answered immediately and appearing to dismiss the statement without thought. Zoe looked at her colleague in confusion, unsure whether the alcohol they had consumed was clouding her own thought processes or Sam's.

"No, because he didn't know you before," Zoe said slowly, carefully pronouncing each word to ensure there was no misunderstanding. "And you didn't know him. What I meant was that you keep saying you needed him but perhaps he needed you too. Whatever you think about why, Dylan fell in love with you and maybe he wouldn't have known it at the time but when you left, things would have been different for him. He wouldn't have necessarily known he needed you too until you were gone."

"I don't know," Sam answered with a shrug. "All I know for certain is that I never wanted him to need me either. I just wanted him to love me," she continued and as Zoe studied her she realised quite how young Sam could appear when she was feeling vulnerable. "But I wanted him to love me, not the me who was left afterwards."

"If you don't want to talk about it that's fine but am I allowed to ask what happened to Ashley?" Zoe questioned with curiosity burning deep inside her. "Nick said the police didn't prosecute him."

"No they didn't," Sam answered quickly, throwing her head back to stare up at the now cloudy sky. "He is married now, has kids and everything," she continued without hesitation, before glancing back in Zoe's direction. "I looked him up on Facebook before you ask, I didn't meet up with him or anything, I'm not that stupid. I just needed to know what he was doing and where he was, and there was this picture of him with his wife and their little boys smiling and all I could think was if someone wrote a book about my life his actions and the impact of them would take up chapters and chapters, but I bet in his book I'd only warrant a few sentences. Just some silly little girl he used to know who cried rape and no one believed her," she ranted, her eyes obviously filling with tears. "I wouldn't matter to him at all."

Zoe considered that concept momentarily and briefly reflected on her own life and history. In her past she was sure there were people who would think she counted, to a point at least, but there were also far too many who would count her as no more than a foot note she was sure, those such as Sean she considered. She allowed herself to wonder how much space she would take up in Nick's book, given that he would definitely be counted as the defining character in the last few chapters of hers and tried not to permit her mind to think that given all he had been through that her role would be much more of a supporting character than a main event. As she dragged her thoughts back to the task in hand she deliberated before deciding that in Dylan's life story there would only ever be one other character that mattered, that of his soon to be departed wife, as Zoe was certain there had never been anyone else in his life he had cared about quite so emphatically. However what saddened her was that whilst Sam would probably choose similarly, she so far had seemed unable to break the inextricable number of links that existed between Dylan's role in her life and the awful events in her past and would therefore be unable to define the two separately if called to do so.

"That doesn't seem fair," Zoe responded indignantly without thinking as she relinquished her thoughts before realising her mistake. "I mean, you know that already, obviously, but it doesn't seem right that he can move on with his life and you haven't been able to."

"No, it doesn't," Sam answered bluntly. "But what would I rather? I can't make him never do this again; I can't even get him prosecuted for what he did. All I can do is hope that if he is living a decent enough life then, oh I don't know. It isn't exactly a comfort and it doesn't help me sleep any better at night but I can't fix things any other way."

"It isn't your responsibility to fix things Sam, you didn't do anything wrong," Zoe argued, determined not to see her newfound friend continually beat herself up for something that was beyond her control.

"I am not responsible for what Ash did to me, I know that even if the police and my dad never really believed me on that score," Sam countered causing Zoe to wince at the harsh nature of her words. "But even though I knew Dylan would stand by me and help me deal with everything I was so angry at him for needing to be there that I pushed him away and for that, I have to take full responsibility. No one else can."

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to be strong enough on your own but everyone needs someone, even you," Zoe sympathised, realising that as much as Sam and Dylan needed each other in a crisis, when her and Nick had both had difficult times they had pushed the other away quicker than anything. "I've never been where you are but I do know that trying to deal with things on your own never helps," she concluded insistently.

"I wasn't on my own," Sam snapped before studying Zoe's face intently and allowing her to see the fire in her eyes. "I cheated on Dylan, did he tell you that?" she questioned and Zoe nodded after a pause, knowing that lying over this would not help resolve the tense situation. "He made me happy and he reminded me what it felt like to just be Sam again, not Dylan's wife, not Ash's victim or anything else other than just Sam," she commented, as if remembering moments in time Zoe had not been present for.

"Did you love him?" Zoe asked, risking the wrath of her colleague once more.

"He was a distraction," Sam acknowledged. "He didn't know my past, he didn't care where I had come from and when he used to hold me in his arms he didn't see her," she said, pausing before she continued. "Her, Sam the rape victim, he saw me and you have no idea how much that meant," Sam blurted out. "The reason I came to Holby in the first place was because I finally felt strong enough to face Dylan in my own right, as Sam, and all I wanted to do was to come to a resolution with him so that we could both move on, together or apart. I needed to write the conclusion to Ash's part in my life somehow. I never wanted to hurt Dylan, I wouldn't."

"For the record Sam, I would definitely not describe you as a victim. Not of Ash or anyone else, the only person I have ever seen get the better of you is yourself and if you would just quit beating yourself up for a while you might realise that you are a lot tougher than you look," Zoe explained, finding herself once again squeezing her colleague's hand. "Do you remember what you said to me in your room the other night?" she questioned, her own mind recollecting the confusing scene her and Nick had walked in on and the evident tension between him and Dylan in the aftermath. "Give him a chance Sam, you owe yourself that much at least. If you don't tell him, how will he ever know?"

"I wish I had given you a chance," Sam countered quickly, appearing to relish the opportunity to change the topic of conversation. "The first time I saw you two together I was jealous of how he was with you, I'd never seen him like that with anyone but me and I knew from then you were my rival," she admitted guiltily. "I tried not to take it out on you but I shouldn't have given you so much attitude from the start, I know that now," she continued shamefaced. "You're one of the best doctors I've ever worked with, I've learnt so much from you but I would never have told you that a few weeks ago," she added. "If Dylan did have to move on with someone else, I would have chosen you for him but I am glad that he didn't, not because of me and him, although that is part of it but because I don't think Nick would have been able to bear it either."

"Sam," Zoe started with a warning tone in her voice as she signalled to her colleague that this was a topic she was not prepared to discuss.

"I'm not going to pry, believe me I don't think I want to know all the gory details of what went on between you and Nick," Sam responded quickly. "But you both keep telling me that I don't know what is going on inside Dylan's head and I need to talk to him, yet the two of you seem to avoid having any kind of serious conversation about your own relationship at all," she elaborated pointedly. "He loves you Zoe, even you must be able to see that. I don't know all the history and I don't know if you should be together or not, that is your business frankly, but I hate to see you both so lonely and wondering what the other wants when all you need to do is speak to each other."

"You know we would have been a formidable team if we had actually worked together earlier on rather than all that sniping," Zoe acknowledged as a statement of fact, triggering a smile from the other woman. "It's bloody typical with this place that the moment I find someone I can trust to talk to," she continued, nudging Sam to indicate she meant her. "They end up disappearing on me with almost no warning whatsoever," she concluded as they watched Nick Jordan exit the pub with a face full of concern until he spied them. "I think that means my taxi is on its way," Zoe muttered as she turned back to the girl sitting beside her. "Will I see you again before you go?" she asked reluctantly.

"I'm not sure," Sam answered honestly as the two of them jumped down from the wall. "Nick was rambling on about something to do with dinner earlier," she started before Zoe shut her down.

"Just one step at a time please," Zoe chastised her. "I said I will talk to him, nothing else right now. Don't be signing me up for dinner dates."

"Who said anything about dates?" Sam replied with a mock innocence once more before her face changed. "If I don't see you before I go," she began before Zoe pulled her into a hug.

"I don't think I can do words right now unless you want me to end up sobbing over Nick in the taxi," she started, feeling the girl bend into her arms as she did. "Just take care of yourself Sam," she whispered in her ear. "And I promise you I will look out for him for you," she added, releasing her grasp and facing the younger woman straight on. Zoe identified that it appeared Sam wanted to say something, as her mouth attempted to form words, but before the girl spoke Zoe was distracted by the sight of a welcome arrival over the young doctor's shoulder which caused her to smile. Sam turned her head, apparently noticing that Dr Hanna's focus was no longer upon her, and as Zoe witnessed her colleague stuff her hands in her pockets and shuffle her feet slightly, seemingly unable to decide how to handle her husband's arrival, she found herself recognising a vulnerability in Dylan's eyes that she had not before seen with the exception of when he broke down in her arms at the boat mere days before.

She watched the two parties fail to interact apart from the smallest of glances in each other's direction until Dylan appeared to drop his grasp on the dog lead in his hand, permitting his canine companion to come barrelling towards them and nearly send them both sideways. Zoe stepped back to allow Sam room to squat down and bury her head in the dog's fur, seemingly more at ease with the mutt to fuss over rather than dealing with the wider situation. In that moment Zoe pondered whether Dylan's purchase of a dog was in fact for that very reason alone, finding it yet another similarity between him and his estranged wife. She watched as Sam stood up, glanced back at her, and perhaps Nick behind her, with a nervous smile before she strode purposefully towards her where her husband stood.

Zoe felt the light pressure of Nick's hand on her back as he silently joined her and together they watched with interest as wordlessly the married couple appeared to resolve that Dylan was indeed walking Sam home and they departed side by side, so closely together that Zoe could not see air between them and with their dog running around at their feet apparently pleased by the presence of them both in the same place once more. Zoe momentarily reflected on her own thoughts earlier and realised that whilst her and Dr Nicholls were very different characters, she did see a little of herself in Sam in that they shared the same determination and desperation to succeed on their own terms. However in dealing with Sam's problems in recent weeks it had become apparent to Zoe that as much as she liked to insist she was happy enough on her own, everyone needed someone and as she heard the sound of a taxi pulling up behind her she acknowledged that for Sam that person was certainly Dylan, and for her there was no possibility that it was anyone other than the man who was now leading her into the cab.

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><p><strong>There you go, one more chapter down and only two more to go. Please let me know what you think by hitting that review button and if we cross paths in the next ten days remind me of my pledge to finish this by the end of September. All motivation much appreciated.<strong>

**Also, have you guessed how it will end yet?**

**Callie x**


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